by Holly Martin
The train rattled to a stop at another underground station.
A letter from Jack. Jules had found it amongst his things. There had been one for her and one for Bella too. She hadn’t opened it, of course, she gave it to me to read at the end of the night. She obviously wanted me to read it then and there but I wanted to be alone for that. I promised to tell her what it said after I’d read it.
Now my hands were itching to tear it open, but not here, not with the late night Friday drunks and party goers. I just wanted to get back home as quick as I could to my little flat to be alone with Jack’s words.
What had he wanted to say to me all those months before? Why didn’t he say it in the last few days? Everything had happened so quickly. From the time he was diagnosed with leukaemia until the day he’d died had been just six months. But he had been fit, strong and laughing almost to the very end. He had never let it get him down. The last week had been awful, where he had deteriorated before our very eyes, but even then, even in the last few days he had still kept his humour. We had been with him at the end, all of us. Mum and Dad had flown over from New Zealand, me, Jules, Harry, Badger and a huge number of his friends had stayed with him as he just went to sleep and never woke up.
And now, here was a message from him.
My train arrived at my stop and I hurried up the steps and along the streets. It was quiet in this part of town, even though we were very central. The old Victorian style street lights lit the way ahead with sporadic puddles of light. The green was deserted but I habitually looked over to Harry’s house as I walked down the opposite side. The downstairs light was still on, but then he was always a night owl. I ran up the steps to my front door and then up the stairs to my top floor flat, whipping out the letter as I closed the door behind me.
I stared at the letter in my hand. I wanted to open it and devour the words inside that Jack had written eight months before. But I was scared as well. I started pacing the lounge. Suddenly I didn’t want to do this alone. I grabbed the phone and dialled Harry’s number. It was late but he was still clearly awake.
It rang several times before he answered. He sounded croaky.
‘Hey.’
‘Hi, are you busy?’
He paused for a moment before he spoke. ‘Are you ok?’
I was silent. It was pathetic really, needing Harry to hold my hand as I read the message from beyond the grave. But I knew that opening this letter would unleash a whole heap of emotions, and I didn’t want to be alone when that happened. But Harry had been there for me so many times over the last few months – at the funeral and afterwards – just holding me when I would suddenly burst into tears, and the lovely day out he took me on the day before just to cheer me up. I was suddenly hesitant about asking him again.
Though my silence spoke volumes.
‘I’ll be round in two minutes.’
I tried to protest but it was quite clear Harry was no longer there.
There was a muffled noise and Harry obviously hadn’t realised he hadn’t hung up properly.
‘Don’t look at me like that. I know you were warm and cosy but Suzie needs me,’ Harry said to someone, probably Sexy Samantha. I winced.
I didn’t know if she said something to him or was just giving him the evil eye but Harry carried on talking, clearly as he was getting dressed.
‘I know, I know! I’m sorry. You know you’re the most important woman in my life, heck the world. I know I need to get my priorities sorted, but Suzie is pretty damned important too.’
I smiled, hugely flattered, although that wasn’t going to go down well with Sexy Samantha.
‘Look, just make yourself comfortable and I’ll be back real soon.’
I heard him give her a quick kiss, then another muffled noise as he no doubt picked up his phone.
I heard his footsteps run down the stairs and his front door slam and the phone went dead.
Crap. The last thing I wanted was to come between him and his girlfriends. He would be pissed off when he got over here to find the only thing that he had left his hot girlfriend for was a stupid little letter.
I heard the key in the lock and then his footsteps as he ran up the stairs towards me. Crap, crap, crap.
He appeared in the lounge, took in my worried face and in a second was across the room and holding me in his arms.
‘Oh Harry, I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have called,’ my voice was muffled as my face was pressed into his wonderful hard chest.
‘Yes you should. You always should.’
‘I didn’t realise I was interrupting a night of passion.’
He pulled back a bit to look at me in confusion.
‘I heard you on the phone, talking to Samantha.’
He laughed. ‘I was talking to Jemima.’
For a second I wondered if he had moved on already from Samantha to a new woman – it wouldn’t be the first time – then I remembered his beloved cat.
‘I was asleep, she was lying on my chest. She wasn’t impressed about being moved.’
I laughed. ‘Well, please send her my sincerest apologies. And I’m sorry to you too, I didn’t mean to wake you.’
‘Oh, don’t worry about it.’ He shrugged.
‘It’s nothing though, nothing serious.’
He was going to hate me.
‘It’s obviously something or you wouldn’t be calling me.’
I sighed and pulled away completely. I picked up the letter and showed it to him. ‘It’s from Jack.’
Harry’s eyes widened. ‘Now that does sound like something serious.’
Oh God, I loved this man.
‘Have you read it?’
‘No, I wanted you to be with me when I did.’
He smiled. ‘I’m honoured you would think of me. Where did you get it?’
‘I had dinner with Jules tonight, she found it amongst his things.’
He pulled me down next to him on the sofa.
‘How’s your gorgeous niece?’
He was delaying, trying to distract me, and I let him as I curled up at his side, the letter in my hand.
‘Beautiful, getting more beautiful each day. God she looks like Jack. The same dark hair, the same eyes. Even the same feet. It breaks my heart that she’ll never know him. He would have made a wonderful father.’
‘He met her though. Got to hold her. And when’s she old enough you can tell her all about him. Play all the practical jokes on her that he played on you.’
‘I’d like that.’
He looked at the letter. ‘Do you want me to read it to you?’
‘No, I want to read it.’
I stared at it. He stared at it. It would have been so much easier if the letters were like the Howlers in Harry Potter, where the envelope would simply shout the contents at you, whether you wanted to open it or not.
‘Come on love.’ Harry put his arm round me. ‘It’s a big deal, I get that. But are you not dying to see what he says. I know I am.’
I quickly slid my thumb under the flap and ripped open the envelope. The letter inside was small, so no huge reams of big brotherly advice then.
I pulled it out and opened it. Harry respectfully waited for his turn to read it. As I started to read, Harry’s fingers stroked the back of my neck.
Chapter Five
Dear Stinky,
Stinky Sue, his childhood name for me that had stuck and was subsequently shortened to Stinky, or rather childishly Stinky Poo, or even just Poo. I smiled. I loved my brother so much.
So I’m dead, that kind of sucks. And I had the best practical joke to play on you too. Took months of planning and I was just about to spring it on you when the whole leukaemia thing took over. I’ve asked Jules to finish it for me, so I’d watch your back if I were you.
My biggest regret about dying is not being able to whip your arse on Mario Kart again. You know that I was the better driver and that last time we played you won purely because I was tired from the chemotherapy. But if I thou
ght you were going to go easy on me because of my condition, I was sadly mistaken. I don’t know how you can live with yourself, beating a dying man at a video game. You could have let me win.
I laughed at this.
Know this, as revenge, I put my toe nails in your bed and hid several more around your flat. I know toe nails freak you out. Every time you find one, think of me, and know that I’m watching you. And not in a big brotherly protective way, but in an evil, stalky kind of way. If I can, I’ll rattle my chains and moan a lot now and again just to scare you. I swear, if I can come back and haunt you I will.
Ok now for the serious bit. I talked about this with Jules but with everything else that happened in the last few weeks we just never got round to talking about it with you. I want you to be Bella’s godmother. She needs a wonderful aunt and I know that you will always be there for her, with trips to the zoo and sleepovers and I know you will spoil her rotten. But also I know that if anything were to happen to Jules there is no one else in the world but you that I would want to raise my daughter.
I swallowed a lump in my throat.
I love you and I’m so very proud of you. I want you to be happy. I know you so well and I bet any money that Harry is sitting next to you whilst you read this, probably holding your hand. Tell him I said hi, and that Chelsea sucks, that will piss him off.
‘He says to say hi to you,’ I said.
‘He mentions me?’ Harry smiled proudly.
‘Yeah he says Chelsea sucks.’
The smile fell from his face at the slur on his beloved football team. ‘I’ll give him Chelsea sucks. He’s only saying that because he’s dead and he knows I can’t argue back.’
‘He loved to wind you up.’
Harry smiled, fondly. ‘What else does he say?’
‘Here.’ I leaned into him so he could read the letter too.
And one more thing I want you to do for me, my dying wish – and you can’t refuse a man his dying wish. Tell Harry you love him, that you’ve always loved him and always will be in love with him.
I gasped with horror and snatched the letter back from Harry.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘How far did you get?’
‘The bit about the toe nails, let me read the rest.’
‘NO! No way. It’s private.’
I leapt up out of his reach.
‘We don’t have secrets from each other, we tell each other everything.’ Harry stood up, his eyes dark with mischief. ‘Don’t make me take it from you.’
‘It’s nothing, just… it’s private.’
Harry leapt forward and I turned to run but he caught me around my waist, pulling me back against him. He snatched the letter from my hand and held it up high so I couldn’t reach.
‘Harry, no.’ I leapt up to get it but failed.
‘Now let’s see what little sordid secret you’re keeping from me.’
He started skim reading out loud. ‘Aw, he wants you to be Bella’s godmother, that’s sweet. And he says he loves you, that’s nice, he says hi to me, Chelsea sucks…’
‘HARRY, PLEASE!’ I screamed with such desperation that Harry stopped reading and looked at me.
‘You really don’t want me to read this do you?’
I shook my head frantically. My cheeks were burning and I could feel tears of humiliation pricking my eyes. ‘Please don’t read it, I’m begging you.’
He released me and handed me back the letter without another word. I grabbed it, nearly sagging with relief.
‘Is it something horrible?’
I moved away from him, sitting on the other side of the room, and tried to calm down my heart.
‘No, something that Jack only wanted me to know. Something private for him.’ I couldn’t look at him in case he saw the lies.
I straightened out the crumpled letter on my lap and carried on reading.
Tell Harry you love him, that you’ve always loved him and always will be in love with him. I bet you all the money in the world that he says it right back. There has been no one for you since he came into your life and if he doesn’t feel the same way at least you’ll know, at least you’ll stop wondering and maybe, finally you can move on. Regardless of his feelings, he will always be your best friend, nothing will change that. Tell him now or I will haunt you every night, slamming doors and turning on taps and I’ll invite all my ghostly friends round to haunt you too. Tell him Suze, what have you got to lose?
Love you always
Jack
(Mario Kart World Champion)
I stared at the treacherous words. If he knew Harry would be sitting with me, why would he write that, knowing full well that Harry could read it too? And how the hell did he know? No one knew about my inappropriate crush on my best friend. I had never told anyone, least of all my indiscreet blabbermouth big brother.
I looked up at Harry, who was obviously hurt that I didn’t want to share the letter with him.
‘It’s nothing.’ I repeated.
He wasn’t convinced.
I stood up, folding the letter carefully into my pocket. I walked over to him and hugged him.
‘Thank you for coming over, everything seems easier when you’re with me.’
He reluctantly hugged me back. ‘Except anything that’s private.’
I made up my mind there and then. ‘I’ll tell you one day, I promise. I’m just not ready yet.’
This seemed to mollify him as his hug tightened. ‘Do you want me to stay for a while?’
I nodded.
‘Do you want to play Mario Kart?’
I smiled. ‘How did you guess?’
‘I’ll set it up, go and get some beers,’ he said as he crouched down by the TV.
I went into the kitchen and leaned against the fridge as I re-read the letter again. I heard the Wii spring to life in the other room.
I would tell him – if that’s what Jack wanted, then I would do it. But it was going to take a hell of a lot more than cheap Bulgarian beer to find the courage to do that. I tucked the letter back into my pocket and walked back into the lounge.
Harry passed me a remote and I swapped it for a beer.
‘I’m not going to go easy on you,’ Harry said.
‘I wouldn’t expect you to.’
‘This one’s for Jack.’
‘He’ll like that, especially if you win.’
‘I’m not going to lose.’
I took a swig of beer as I looked at my best friend. ‘We’ll see.’
*
I woke the next morning feeling like my head had exploded. It had been a long night, carrying on to the very early hours of the morning. We had drunk, played multiple games of Mario Kart and then other games that required skill and balance that neither Harry nor I could achieve after several bottles of beer. At some point I had fallen on the sofa, too tired and too drunk to move. I wasn’t really aware of anything after that.
There was a heavy weight on me and I couldn’t move at all. I opened one eye and saw Harry lying on top of me, snoring loudly. I closed my eye against the early morning sunshine that penetrated the room painfully. The feel of his snores vibrating through me was nice, like a cat purring. Harry didn’t snore so it was obviously an adverse effect of the drink. I smiled to myself. Waking up with the man I loved wasn’t a bad start to Valentine’s Day.
I lay with my eyes closed for a moment, wondering if I could go back to sleep. Suddenly my eyes snapped open as I realised where Harry’s hand was. Why hadn’t I noticed it before? I looked down and sure enough his hand was gripping my left breast like his life depended on it. God, even in sleep he was a breast man.
Seeing his hand around my breast like that did things to me, a twist of desire lancing straight through my stomach. Though he would be mortified if he woke and found his hand there. Carefully, I tried to prise one of his fingers from my breast, but he was gripping it quite hard and he was so strong even the muscles in his fingers were not something I could fight against. I trie
d to push my hand between his hand and my breast but to no avail. As I lay there trying to decide my next course of action, Harry stirred and woke up. He looked down at me and smiled sheepishly, still currently unaware of where his hand was. This could go either of two ways. He could realise where his hand was, realise he liked it there and plant the other hand on my other breast, then it could lead to the places of my deepest, darkest fantasies. Unfortunately for me, it went the other way.
Harry looked down, saw where his hand was and leapt off me with a definite ‘Urgh’. Revulsion hadn’t been high on my list of possible reactions. He glared at me.
‘Don’t look at me like that, I didn’t put my breast in your hand. You were still standing and playing on the Wii when I passed out last night. What you did after is your business.’
‘Sorry, I would never – ’
I stood up. ‘I know you would never. Never, ever, ever – right? Not in a million years.’
I flounced out the room straight into the bathroom, locked the door, quickly undressed and stepped straight into the shower.
When I came out it was quite obvious that we were never going to speak of it ever again.
‘Two hundred and three followers, Suze, that’s huge,’ Harry shouted from the office. I walked in. He didn’t look up from his screen and I could see his cheeks blush as I looked at him. ‘And some magazine called Silver Linings is going to call me on Monday with regards to featuring our blog as some sort of column.’
‘Whoa, that is huge.’
‘I know.’ He grinned up at me, obviously relieved we weren’t going to talk about ‘breastgate’. ‘Look, I better go, I’m supposed to be seeing Samantha today. I’ll see you Monday.’
Two days off from being proposed to. There was a brief oasis in the desert. And after the massive proposal the day before, he’d earned a few days off.
*
Waterfalls, emerald green rainforests, turquoise seas, koalas, kangaroos, crocodiles and white sandy beaches all assaulted me from my computer screen. Australia was a beautiful country and I wanted to devour every single part of it.