by Abigail Agar
“I am banished from a romance with an upstanding gentleman. And all of that because of the mistakes made by my father,” Victoria said. She hated the sound of complaint in her voice as she admitted these things, but it felt good to get them out, confessing them as if to a priest.
“Do we not all feel jealousy at times?” Miss Franklin acknowledged.
“Certainly, we do. But I could have had this. Not through any merit of my own, but on the basis of who my father was I first had the whole world and now I have nothing. It is unfair,” Victoria said.
“Oh, forgive me,” she continued. “I know I am whining and it is unattractive and wrong. But I cannot help what I feel. I wish I could marry a man who, unlike my father, chose to put his family over his own needs. I see that in the Earl. He does all for his daughter,” she said.
Miss Franklin nodded in agreement, knowing that it was the truth. The Earl did everything he could on behalf of Marian and it was no secret.
“Yes, Miss Jamison, the Earl is an excellent man, far better than most others I have ever known,” Miss Franklin confessed in return.
“Yes, and he puts his daughter over all of his own needs and wants. He has made her his greatest priority over all else. It is unfair,” Victoria said again.
In truth, the thing that was the most unfair was the fact that Lady Ingles was marrying him despite the fact that there was no love between them. How was it right or fair that she might be afforded a marriage to a man she did not love while Victoria could not have love?
How was it fair that an unfaithful woman should still be given the rewards of society, but she was impacted by the unfaithfulness of her father despite having done nothing improper herself? All of it was wrong. That two people who were not in love should marry was wrong. And that she should be stripped of all hope of love was wrong.
“Miss Jamison, you must know by now that you are a wonderful young woman and we all see it,” Miss Franklin began, clearly having something to say although Victoria felt quite certain that she did not want to hear it.
“I believe that you shall find happiness, truly I do,” she continued.
“Thank you, Miss Franklin. I appreciate your kindness. And perhaps one day it shall be true, but if not, I suppose that is the burden I must bear for being the daughter of my father,” Victoria conceded.
“Well, perhaps. But I think you shall not suffer so,” Miss Franklin added.
Victoria saw that there was something more that the housekeeper wished to say and she wondered if she was about to find herself in a great deal of trouble.
“Miss Jamison, forgive me for being so bold, but there is something else that I must address with you. It is something that I can sense you shall be resistant to, but I ask that you keep in mind that I am not here to judge you in any way and I believe you to be a good woman,” she said.
Victoria’s gut turned in hesitation, not wanting this conversation to move forward in any way.
“I can see in your eyes a burden. And I cannot help but wonder if that burden is born out of some sort of secret, Miss Jamison. I have known people to hold secrets in the past and I understand the toll that it can take on a woman. If you should like to get it off your chest, I am here,” Miss Franklin offered.
Victoria was deeply tempted. She could tell Miss Franklin and perhaps Miss Franklin would ensure that the Earl knew the truth about his betrothed. But she had made a promise, despite her own judgment.
Marian needed a mother. Those were the words that had kept her silent thus far and Victoria was determined that they should continue to do so. So she had made a promise and she would keep it, and all for the sake of the fact that Marian was in need of a mother.
“I do not know what you mean,” Victoria replied.
“You are keeping a secret, are you not? Can you not share it with me? Am I not able to understand it and do you feel that you must keep it to yourself always?” Miss Franklin asked, pushing to know the truth.
“I do not know of what you speak but I am sorry to have made you suspicious of me, Miss Franklin. I should ask that you understand and trust me that if I had anything to share then I would. But as it is, I’ve nothing,” Victoria insisted.
It was clear that Miss Franklin did not believe her but Victoria held her ground and refused to speak on the matter further.
“Miss Jamison, I do not mean to press you and if you wish to maintain your secret then I shall have to respect it. But I should like very much for you to share this burden with me and for us to be able to push past it. You ought not to be stuck with something that is weighing you down as this so evidently is,” she continued to push.
Victoria wanted her to leave, but couldn’t say that to her friend. Miss Franklin’s eyes bored into her, as if trying to read her mind, but Victoria kept her face neutral and was unwilling to show any form of emotion.
She would not be drawn into the betrayal of her word. She would keep her promise to a woman she was jealous of, a woman she could not trust. Because Lady Ingles still managed to charm her and more than anything, Marian needed her.
With all of that in mind, all the things that Victoria had been repeating to herself and forcing herself to believe time and time again, she held her ground and waited until Miss Franklin finally gave up and left the room. When she had the space to herself again, Victoria buried her face in the blankets of her bed.
She tried not to allow herself to cry, but there was a deep pain within her at the knowledge of everything that she was missing through her decision to keep the Earl happy by lying to him. She was betraying him as she had betrayed her mother.
All for the sake of a woman she hated to like. All for the sake of a child for whom she wished she could be the mother herself.
But Marian would come around eventually. She would grow to like Lady Ingles. And Lady Ingles would prove herself an excellent wife and mother.
And ultimately, Victoria would prove herself to be nothing more than an excellent governess.
Chapter 23
Reginald gave his hand to Miss Jamison in order to help her into the coach. She nodded to him in gratitude and he watched her climb in before him, appearing hesitant, yet determined.
He had agreed to be her escort for the ball at Lady Ingles’ suggestion, and had deemed it a wise idea as it would give him an opportunity to thank her for all that she had been doing at the estate and the hard work and efforts she had made.
He could not deny that he also wished to spend more time in Miss Jamison’s company. Knowing that it was not the sort of thing he ought to be feeling, that he was a man engaged to another woman who he should care deeply for, he couldn’t deny that part of his heart was curious about the governess.
“I do hope that you enjoy this evening. It should be fantastic. Lady Ingles is known for hosting wonderful events and she is quite the woman for a party,” he noted.
“I am sure it shall be splendid,” Miss Jamison replied vaguely, not commenting further on the matter.
Reginald felt somewhat downcast that she did not seem more excited. He gazed at her in the beautiful dress that she wore, wondering if it had been a relic of times past or how she might otherwise have come across the gown.
Taking a chance, he decided to ask.
“Your gown is lovely. Is it new?” he questioned cautiously.
A genuine smile came across her face and Miss Jamison turned to him, understanding the true question behind his words.
“No, my lord. This is a remainder of my past. When we lost everything, I was able to keep precious few items of my clothing as well. But I chose to keep one of my favourite gowns for a party as a memory and in case I might ever need it again one day. Certainly, at the time I never expected that I would, but it is quite a relief to be able to wear it once more,” she answered him.
Reginald nodded, wondering if her mind was racing through memories of what she had once had and what her life was previously like.
“Are you looking forward to this evening or sha
ll it be a difficult reminder for you?” he asked further, knowing that this was another question that might wound rather than heal.
But Miss Jamison seemed to be able to put her sensitivity aside and answer openly and willingly. He was reminded again that she was not the sort to complain a great deal, or certainly not that he had seen.
“I suppose it shall be a blend of the two, my lord. There is a part of me that is certainly nervous. It is difficult walking into a room filled with those who were once your peers when now they are all aware of the fact that you are no longer amongst them,” she began.
“But in truth, I am looking forward to the opportunity to experience once more the joys of an event such as this. I had precious few balls that I was able to attend as I was only nearing my debut when my father’s actions came to light and the creditors took everything from us,” Miss Jamison told him openly.
“So you were not able to truly enjoy it all while you had it…” Reginald said; a statement rather than a question.
“Precisely. And it shall be a wonderful privilege this evening to be able to indulge in the sort of event that I was stripped of three years ago,” she said.
“I can hardly believe that it was merely three years prior,” Reginald said.
Miss Jamison turned to him, surprise in her face.
“I can hardly believe that you have even thought about it at all. What is it about it that has you in surprise?” she asked.
Reginald paused for a moment, trying to choose his words carefully. He did not know Miss Jamison as well as he would have liked, but he had seen a great deal of her character already and thought that he might have some idea of her behaviour and who she was. Still, he knew that he could be entirely wrong.
But based on the conversations they had had thus far, he thought she was fine with his openness and knew that he was understanding of her situation.
“Well, to be perfectly honest, you do not behave like a woman who has only lived for three years without the luxuries of life,” he remarked.
“In what way?” she asked.
“In the way that you have accepted your lot in life with aplomb,” he laughed.
Miss Jamison chuckled in reply.
“If I do not accept it, I shall live my days in misery. And at times I do allow myself to wallow for a bit,” she confessed, seeming downcast for only the briefest of moments before coming back to herself.
He looked at her again in the beautiful white gown that lay against her skin with the ribbons and lace that any young woman would admire and covet. She had once been a young woman who’d had it all, truly. She was a society woman, and she had all of the graces and beauty of one.
Her dignity and strength were something that she had been born into but she was trained to show. She understood wealth and status and was comfortable among them. All of it was evident in her posture, in her speech, and in the ways that she so comfortably made eye contact where others in her new station would not be willing to look at their employer.
The very fact of her accepting this invitation to a ball without embarrassing herself was evidence of her natural born position.
Other governesses would either faint with shock and embarrassment, or prove themselves foolish and giddy with no control.
But Miss Jamison belonged.
“Might I ask how long it has been since you made the decision to become a governess?” he asked.
“Well, for the first year after our downfall, my mother did not wish for me to work. She said that there was still a chance that we could return to our former position in society. She believed that perhaps her mother and father would have mercy on us and take us in,” Miss Jamison told him.
“But they are not so wealthy as my father’s family, and in the end it was my aunt who was gracious with us. Our life with her was comfortable, but far from luxury. My mother had been the one in the family to marry above her own station and my aunt is a spinster,” she laughed.
“But after that first year, I knew that I had little choice. We were contributing nothing to my aunt’s home and I knew that I had to choose between working as a governess and finding employment as a housekeeper, which I did not wish for. With the education I had, it would have been a shame not to be a governess and to be able to enjoy the privilege of teaching another,” she said with finality.
“So it took you only the span of a year for you to make that decision?” he asked.
“Indeed. And for the following two years, my mother still insisted that I should marry rather than work. I wished to be obedient to her so we made an agreement that I should wait and if I could not marry within that timeframe, I would find employment and contribute to the household income,” Miss Jamison said.
Reginald admired the fact that she had been so determined to help even when her mother had given her a great many reasons not to. Miss Jamison had initiative and wanted to help in the home and take care of things, something that he could truly admire and see the fruit of.
“I am rather impressed, Miss Jamison,” he confessed.
“How so?” she asked him in surprise.
“I admire the grace with which you chose this life once it was the one handed to you. You have done so without complaint. You are an excellent governess but I imagine that no young woman who had once been in your former position would have chosen this so willingly,” he noted.
“Thank you for your kindness, but I have complained often,” Miss Jamison laughed shyly.
“Perhaps in your thoughts you have, but there is no note of it in your attitude. You show yourself to be strong and committed, even to a future that you were not born to. It is admirable that you have accepted the change so willingly and with such determination to help your family. I cannot tell you how much I admire that,” he repeated.
Miss Jamison’s eyes looked up at his with wonder, and Reginald felt the same sensation of twisting in his stomach that he had been feeling a great deal of late when he looked at the beautiful woman.
She did not see her value and her worth, and she did not see the strength that lay within her. But he noted it. He valued it.
And he would not allow her to pass by without being made aware of it.
Chapter 24
The carriage hit a bump and Victoria’s body caved in towards the Earl. For a moment she felt herself pressed up against him, and he put out a hand on her shoulder to help steady her and ensure that she was not thrown forward.
The moment was a shock to her, the contact between them strong and far too familiar for a governess and her employer. But it left her with a deep sense of calm and peace.
“Forgive me, my lord,” she said, knowing it was proper to apologise.
“It is nothing. Are you alright?” he asked, once she had righted herself.
“Oh yes, yes. I am fine,” she replied with a wave of her hand.
Victoria was glad that it was just dark enough in the coach for him not to see the blush that had worked over her entire body. She couldn’t believe that she had just been so close to him and that he had touched her with such concern, disregarding propriety.
But the Earl had been so kind to her the entire carriage ride thus far. She had been able to be open with him about these matters that she had lived through each day.
He had told her how he admired her, he had praised her bravery and her strength. These were all things that she couldn’t help but wonder if she really had. How was he seeing these parts of her that she didn’t even know she had in herself? Was she truly the woman he thought her to be?