The Precious Secret of a Loving Governess: A Historical Regency Romance Book

by Abigail Agar

  She thought back to the previous night when she had confessed so many things to Miss Franklin. If the Earl had heard those complaints, he might not give her such credit for her willingness to accept her new position. But she was relieved that he had not seen that side of her and that she had managed not to show it.

  Victoria truly wanted to remain strong and to be braver than the circumstances that surrounded her. She wanted to be the woman that it seemed the Earl saw in her. Putting aside her insecurities and the petty jealousies, she was more determined than ever to live up to the woman that he believed her to be.

  She had been grateful for his compliments and it was truly affecting her and how she saw herself, something she knew that she deeply needed in order to continue living the way that she was. Marian was an excellent charge for a governess and she was grateful that of all the positions she might have had, this one was the placement she was in.

  She was also a blend of thankful and tortured for having so handsome and kind an employer. She wished that she had not noticed him in the ways that she did. Victoria wanted to be free of the feelings that she was having for him, but knew that she could not escape them.

  “Have I spoken too far on the subject?” the Earl asked, appearing nervous of her silence after his words of kindness.

  “Oh no, my lord. I am humbled by what you have said of me. I am grateful that you see these things in me although I cannot imagine them to be true,” she said sweetly.

  “They are true. All of it is true. Do not discount yourself when others tell you the beauty they see in you. I would not say these things lightly,” he told her.

  Victoria was astounded by his words and the conviction with which he said them. He truly believed that she was the woman he had claimed her to be and it caused her heart to soar.

  “I thank you, my lord. You have done me so much kindness and I hope to live up to the woman you believe me to be. And I hope to encourage Marian to be a woman like that as well, for what you have described is certainly someone worth striving to be,” she acknowledged.

  “I have seen how your influence is already turning her into that sort of woman. And indeed, that is the sort of woman worth striving to be. But I shall say again, you are not striving. You have already become her and that is something worth being proud of,” the Earl replied.

  Victoria smiled and looked away, unable to maintain her face towards the Earl when she could hardly believe that he felt this way towards her. His words bordered on affection which was dangerous, but he was maintaining just enough of a proper distance and just enough conviction in his words to not let the warmth drip through them.

  She wondered if Lady Ingles noted the beauty of his scar. If she understood the depth of his love for his daughter. If she cared about the things that made him happy.

  Victoria couldn’t help but ponder how the woman felt about her betrothed.

  And for a moment, brief though it was, painful though it was, she considered finishing the lie right then and there.

  In the dark of the carriage ride, just the two of them riding alone, could she tell him? Could Victoria tell the Earl the truth of what she had seen? Could she confess to him that his fiancée was faithful to him neither in soul nor body?

  It would be easy. Or it would be extremely difficult. But either way, it would be possible. She could finally be rid of the secret that plagued her and Victoria could see his heart would break, but eventually he would come around and be free of it.

  Would he be angry at her? He might be. He might be mad that she had kept the secret in the first place, or perhaps angry that she had told him and ruined his dreams of marriage and a mother for Marian.

  But it would free him of his ties to a woman who did not care for him as she did.

  Victoria thought about it, perhaps longer than she felt necessary. But ultimately, she determined that her motives would be selfish and she could not do that to a woman to whom she had promised her silence.

  It was a painful decision to make. Many times she had considered telling the Earl but had chosen not to out of fear and cowardice. Out of a misguided loyalty, even. But in this moment, she knew that her desire to tell him was entirely for her own sake and that was an impure decision to make.

  She would honour the promise. She would allow Lady Ingles to have what she wished for even if it broke Victoria’s heart to do it.

  “We are not far,” the Earl noted, glancing outside the window of the coach.

  Victoria looked out of her own, and saw only the rolling green fields of England. She wondered how much longer the ride would be. Thus far it had been filled with honesty, a strange tension unspoken between them, and the decision to maintain a terrible lie.

  She was rather desperate to be free of the ride, to breathe in the evening air and not have to think about everything that was taking place between herself and the Earl.

  Each time their eyes had locked upon one another, Victoria felt her heart squeeze and she hated knowing that she was falling in love with a man she could never have. The carriage ride had been yet another reminder of it and she still felt the print of his hand burned upon her shoulder even now.

  But she thought once more about Lady Ingles. The Earl had chosen her from amongst many. There were plenty of women he could have chosen to marry but she was the one he had committed himself to.

  No matter how Victoria told herself that it was only for the sake of Marian, she believed that there must have been more that had gone into that decision. There must have been something about the woman that he cared about enough to keep to that.

  And truly, Lady Ingles did not seem to be a bad woman. Perhaps misguided on this issue, but certainly not bad. She had been kind to Victoria, more than once. And she couldn’t believe that it was only in an attempt to keep her quiet.

  The woman was enigmatic and engaging, so evidently there was plenty to her personality that was worth enjoying and Victoria could not ignore that. She pushed her mourning aside.

  Lady Ingles was just another woman, one who was not so different from Victoria. After all, had they not both been pushed into positions they could not control? Had they not both had their places in life chosen for them?

  There was only so much that a woman could do in order to survive. There was only so much that might enable their souls to live.

  Chapter 25

  Victoria lingered along the edges of the ballroom floor. She had stood near the windows for quite some time but was drawn in, unable to escape the room. If she could have been afforded any fresh air, she might have taken it. But as it was, the room was stifling and it would have been far too noticeable if she vanished.

  The Earl had searched for her now and then with his eyes so she was sure that she could not easily escape him, or she would be questioned later on. And if she did try to hide away from the room, she would simply be discovered in another and questioned. After all, she was no longer nobility. She might as well be a servant. And no one would trust her alone in the home.

  Victoria exhaled and tried to distract her attentions away from herself.

  All along the dance floor, couples twisted this way and that in their mingled dances. Forms and figures moved as one unit. The whole floor was a buzz of humans in a birdlike form.

  Amongst them, the Earl and Lady Ingles seemed to float together, linked in arms. It was painful to watch. Deep inside, she felt an agony that it was not her indulging in the movements.

  An ache and a longing filled Victoria’s heart. She wondered what it might be like to dance with the Earl. Would it be as wonderful as she imagined? Would he so swiftly turn her as he did Lady Ingles? Would their movements be graceful and charming like this or would her skills have atrophied by now?

  She had not used her dancing in such a long time that she figured she would more than likely fall to pieces at the opportunity to actually dance. It was only one more reason that she was frightened of being at the ball. If anyone asked her for a dance, she would be useless. Of course, the
only man she wished to dance with was otherwise occupied.

  Victoria knew that she had feelings for the Earl that could never be returned. She felt foolish and rather ridiculous that there was still a part of her who could believe that something might ever come to pass between them.

  The Earl was engaged, for better or worse. So whatever feelings she had, she knew that they must be shut off as swiftly as possible.

  With that in mind, Victoria allowed her gaze to search the floor for another man to look upon. With no desire in her heart for another, a distraction was necessary. She had no intention to enjoy the music or move gracefully with him, but perhaps she could find someone with whom she could enjoy conversation.

  To her surprise, Victoria’s eyes did find another man of interest. Mr. Smith was standing in an opposite corner of the room looking back on the floor as she had been. Just as her gaze had found the Earl, the landowner could not take his eyes off Lady Ingles.

  Victoria watched him with keen interest, wondering what she might be able to read from his face. Was he bitter? Was he wounded?

  As his eyes drifted over the dance floor, it seemed as though he, too, desired to distract himself. In that moment he saw Victoria.

  With an expression that seemed to blend between guilt and relief, he slowly made his way around the perimeter of the ballroom. Coming towards her, it was as though Mr. Smith felt that he might finally have someone to speak to about his own sadness.

  “Miss Jamison,” he greeted, the despondency present in his expression.

  Victoria could not help but feel sorry for him as he also had to watch this display. Not only that, but he was coming over to sit by the woman who had caught him so recently in his shame. Truly, Mr. Smith must have felt quite desperate if he was choosing to speak with her.

  “Mr. Smith,” she replied, maintaining a distant tone that she deemed most appropriate for the situation at hand.

  “It would seem as though the ball has garnered quite the attendance,” he noted.

  “Indeed. Lady Ingles is a very popular woman,” Victoria replied before realising that her words could easily be construed as a remark against her character.

  “Oh, I didn’t mean…” she began, but saw that there was no explanation necessary.

  “I understand, Miss Jamison. And indeed, she is a woman whose dynamic character easily entrances any who come across her. You must have noted that already and I believe that you have had further interactions with her since that first evening in which you met,” he said.

  “Yes, I have. And it is true, she is an engaging woman. There is something in the way that she speaks that lets one know she cares for and understands them,” Victoria agreed.

  She wished that none of this were true, but could not deny that it was. No wonder the Earl had chosen to marry her. Even if he did not love her, they would be able to engage one another easily. And she would do a great deal to enhance his reputation as she was so well known for her manner.

  “May I speak candidly?” Mr. Smith asked.

  Victoria looked at him directly, peeling her eyes from the couple on the floor. With a nod, she agreed, and then followed Mr. Smith to two chairs where they might sit and speak more comfortably.

  “First of all, I must apologise for that evening when we met. It was certainly a shock to you and I am ashamed at my cowardice. The way in which I simply ran off was a humiliation. I left Lady Ingles to explain herself and I did not. I believe, in some way, I thought I might vanish quickly enough that you would second guess what it was that you saw,” he told her.

  Victoria gave him a knowing look, as if she understood the sort of folly that accompanies such decisions. In truth, her own decision to keep Lady Ingles’ secret had been such a foolish choice born out of a sudden impulse to disappear.

  But she knew that Mr. Smith’s explanation was far more important to hear than considering her own. After all, his was a choice that could easily ruin the reputation of the woman that he seemed to care for deeply. And it was one that could bring shame upon his own family as well as that of the Earl.

  “Yes, well, we all make foolish decisions at times,” Victoria replied to him.

  She continued to watch the couple that moved together with each step. Lady Ingles glanced away from the Earl and her eyes landed on Victoria and Mr. Smith. It caused her a brief moment of faltering, so quick that Victoria figured no one else had even noticed it. But soon, Lady Ingles was back to herself, graceful and smooth as ever.

  “Might I explain to you about our past and what it was that you saw? I imagine that Lady Ingles had already done so, but I should like to add a defense if you would approve,” Mr. Smith requested in a kind and gentlemanly way.

  Victoria was surprised by his demeanour. She had expected him to be a foul man or the very sort who would love to tear a beautiful woman away from a wealthy man. But Mr. Smith was gentle in his words and sincere in his sadness. It compelled her to listen to him, even when she could not understand.

  “Please. I should like to understand what it was that has passed between the two of you,” she permitted.

  In truth, she wanted to know nothing less, but thought that perhaps this could give her an explanation and help her decide further as to whether or not she was right to remain in silence or if the Earl ought to have been told by now.

  “Thank you,” he sighed in relief.

  The song on the floor of the hall changed and Victoria noted that the Earl and Lady Ingles had separated from one another to dance with different partners. For the briefest of moments, his eyes caught Victoria’s and a perplexed expression came over him at seeing her with Mr. Smith.

  But soon he twisted away, back into the dance.

  “Lady Ingles and I,” Mr. Smith began, “were childhood sweethearts. My father managed the property of her family. We were quite lowly back then as it was before we owned any of the estates that we do now. And as a man of such humble beginnings, you can imagine that I was not seen as anything respectable by her family.”

  Victoria considered his situation as a man who rose to wealth, quite the opposite of her own status. She had been a woman from whom all wealth was stripped away.

  “I see,” she nodded.

  “Well, it was rather difficult as we grew into our positions as well as getting older. When I was a young man and Lady Ingles was nearing the time in which she would make her debut, we finally began to find moments, just the briefest of times, in which we might steal words with one another.

  “I expressed my love to her in those stolen moments. And to my utter surprise, she expressed hers in return. I had never imagined that she would love me as I loved her, but alas, she did. And with that in mind, it became easy for us to begin dreaming of a future together,” he continued.

  Then, a look of pain greyed his face. Victoria could easily predict what had occurred after that. It was no great secret how these things went. She was no fool.

  “As you can imagine, it did not go well when Lady Ingles finally confessed her love for me to her parents,” he sighed. “I was not present at the time and I think that was a great relief to the both of us. Her father would more likely have murdered me than allowed me to wed his daughter.”

  Victoria nodded, remembering what her own father had said at times about the foolishness of marrying beneath one’s station. Of course, much had changed for him, but Lady Ingles would not have had such a luxury of her mother and father growing to understand the world differently.

  “They would not agree to our match. I am a man of a humble background and she is a woman of noble parentage. So the idea of any sort of union between us would never have been acceptable by their very reasonable standards,” he said.