by Dan Caddy
Pvt. Dumb tried his best to get the mask back on without success. So he threw the mask like a baseball at the DS and continued to cry like a baby (almost thirty seconds without a mask). At this point the DS decided to have a little fun. He told the Pvt. to ask the GOD of every religion to save him before he would help him don the mask correctly. Pvt. Dumb started screaming, “JESUS, BUDDHA, MUHAMMED, ALLAH, please help me! Save me!”
The DS was laughing his ass off and said, “You’re forgetting one, Pvt.!”
Pvt. Dumb is frantic at this point and said, “WHO?”
The DS said, “TOM CRUISE!”
PVT Dumb screamed, “SAVE ME, TOM CRUISE!!!” and just lay down and started crying.
He was snatched outside and made to go through the whole process again. Not even Tom Cruise can save you from a drill sergeant . . .
DRILL SERGEANTS LOVE TO TAKE THEIR TIME . . .
“YOU THINK
THIS IS BAD,
PRIVATES.
THIS SESSION
IS JUST THE
FOREPLAY;
THE REAL STUFF
IS LATER.”
DRILL SERGEANTS REALLY DON’T LIKE FAILURE . . .
“I SWEAR,
IF YOU
FAIL THIS,
I WILL
SLAP YOU,
THEN JESUS
WILL APPEAR
AND SLAP
YOU FOR
FAILING.”
AND DON’T THINK ABOUT TOUCHING A DRILL SERGEANT’S STUFF . . .
“IF ANY OF
YOU DIPSHITS
TOUCH MY
FUCKING HAT,
YOU WILL BURST
INTO FUCKING
FLAMES!”
Drill sergeants remain a part of a soldier’s life long after Basic Training. Everything a drill sergeant says and does during Basic is focused on preparing a recruit to succeed in the real world—both on active duty and in life after.
Sometimes the recruits do not realize a drill sergeant’s motive while they are facedown in the mud doing push-ups. But rest assured—there is a plan behind all of that yelling, cursing, and perceived abuse. Sometimes it has to be seen from a different perspective.
“How am I supposed to unfuck eighteen years in three months?” is a question you will hear often from a drill sergeant. While it is funny, it is a very accurate appraisal of the magnitude of the job they face. They have ten weeks to take a group of individuals with varied backgrounds and personalities and break them down and rebuild them as professional soldiers who operate as a team, understand the Army values, know how to shoot, move, and communicate, solve problems, and put the welfare of their fellow soldiers, Army, and ultimately the United States of America above their own before they leave for Advanced Individual Training (AIT) and begin to learn the specifics of their chosen Army Military Occupation Specialties (MOS) and then are assigned to a line unit.
For more than ten years following 9/11, it was almost a certainty that within a year privates graduating Basic Training would be deploying to Iraq or Afghanistan and find themselves in very real danger.
When graduation approaches, a lot of the things your drill sergeants said or did during your time in Basic Training, stuff that either didn’t make sense or you didn’t understand the importance of, starts to become more clear. For example, when I was in Basic I was in the chow hall and the private across from me was about to take a bite out of the banana he had just peeled and was holding in one hand. Out of nowhere a drill sergeant appeared and yelled, “BOTH HANDS ON THAT BANANA, YOU!” and then walked off, leaving the private thoroughly confused as he put his other hand on the banana before eating it. I had forgotten about the incident until later on in the cycle when, during a ruck march, up ahead I heard the same drill sergeant yell, “BOTH HANDS ON THAT WEAPON, YOU!” at a private who was apparently marching with only one hand holding his rifle. Then it clicked. There is a reason for everything your drill sergeant says . . . even if it seems crazy at the time.
And then, just like that . . . graduation. Holy shit! You made it. Where did the time go? It is a proud day as you march in review in front of your family and friends. You may even start to relax, to think it is safe to goof off or to let your guard down. That would be a mistake, as everywhere you go there is a drill sergeant there . . . and they can still scuff you up, and will.
DRILL SERGEANTS THINK YOU LEARNED QUITE A BIT IN TEN WEEKS . . .
“YOU’RE
NOTHING BUT
A ROCK
WITH LIPS.”
DRILL SERGEANTS CAN SHOW AFFECTION . . .
“HAVE I
TOLD YOU
I HATE YOU
TODAY?”
DRILL SERGEANTS BELIEVE IN YOUR NATURAL ABILITY . . .
“HEY THERE,
SOLDIER,
HAVE YOU
ALWAYS BEEN A
PUSSY OR DID
YOU HAVE TO
WORK TO
BECOME ONE?”
DRILL SERGEANTS KNOW HOW THE BRAIN WORKS . . .
“SON,
YOU ARE
DOWN TO ONLY
TWO BRAIN
CELLS LEFT.
ONE’S LOST AND
THE OTHER’S
LOOKING FOR IT.”
BUT DRILL SERGEANTS CARE ABOUT SPIRITUAL MATTERS . . .
“I WILL
CRAWL INTO
YOUR MOUTH
AND SHIT
ON YOUR
SOUL!”
DRILL SERGEANTS VALUE THE PRINCIPLES OF LEADERSHIP . . .
“TO BE A LEADER
YOU HAVE TO
BE A DICK,
FIRM BUT FLEXIBLE,
PRIVATES!”
DOES YOUR DADDY HATE YOU, PRIVATE . . . ?
I come from a long line of military men, all infantry types, except for me, who went 19D cavalry scout. For those of you who don’t know scout, school is sixteen weeks OSUT (One Station Unit Training). So that means sixteen weeks of the same drill sergeants. One whose name rhymed with pansy.
It was approximately week ten and so far I had managed to fly under the radar. I figured if I could keep quiet and stay out of the way, I wouldn’t be paid any “special attention.” We were on the ready line for mail call when our SDS picked up a package and looked at me and smiled the most menacing smile I had, or have to this day, ever seen. He put the package to the side, and when he had finished mail call, he told us to go form up for evening chow.
After about forty-five minutes of standing in formation, the troop’s drill sergeant came walking out of the barracks to take us to chow. I was in the last row of Third Platoon’s formation when Second Platoon’s SDS came up behind me and whispered in my ear, “I’m going to fucking enjoy this.” My blood ran cold . . .
I remember trying to think of what I had messed up or why he would say that to me. My platoon’s SDS took charge of the troop’s formation and yelled, “TROOP, ATTENTION! PRIVATE R, POST!”
I stood there for a split second, confused. Had he just called my name? What was going on?
“I SAID, ‘POST,’ GODDAMMIT!”
I was completely numb, but somehow found my way to the front of the troop.
SDS: WHY DON’T YOU TELL THE TROOP WHAT WE WERE DOING JUST BEFORE FORMATION?
ME: MAIL CALL, DRILL SERGEANT.
SDS: DID YOU GET ANY MAIL, PRIVATE?
ME: NO, DRILL SERGEANT.
SDS: WELL, I DID.
The SDS said, “Why don’t you go ahead and read this to the troop.” He handed me the package that I had seen during mail call earlier and I reached in, and while I was pulling out the letter . . . a baby blanket, a pacifier, and a teddy bear fell out.
Fuck. My. Life.
Dear Mr. Drill Sergeant,
Thank you so much for watching after my very special boy while he attends what he calls Day Camp. He says that his SDS is a pansy, what does he mean by that? He left in such a hurry that he forgot to pack properly. He left behind his binky, his blanky, and Mr. Boo Boo. Wi
ll you please make sure that he gets these items? I sure would appreciate it.
With love,
His Daddy
While I was reading the letter the privates in formation were trying their hardest not to bust up laughing, but were failing horribly. The other DS’s were making their catcalls at me.
MY SDS: DOES YOUR “DADDY” HATE YOU, PRIVATE?
I was completely mortified.
ME: N-N-NO, DRILL SERGEANT.
During the chow line and every day until graduation I had to walk around with a pacifier in my mouth, that damn blanket draped over my shoulder, and holding Mr. Boo Boo’s hand. He had become my new Battle Buddy.
A couple days later I had a chance to call my dad, and when I told him what had happened I had to listen to him laugh uncontrollably until my time on the phone was up.
All these years later I still look back on that experience and laugh my ass off, but back then I probably would have killed my own father.
YOU MAY HAVE COME A LONG WAY, BUT DRILL SERGEANTS KNOW IT’S A LONG ROAD . . .
“YOU THINK
YOU’RE STRONG
ENOUGH TO
WHIP MY ASS?
YOU AIN’T STRONG
ENOUGH TO
WIPE MY ASS!”
YOUR DRILL SERGEANTS WANT YOU TO KNOW THEY ARE AT THE TOP OF THEIR GAME . . .
“PRIVATE,
I AM A U.S. ARMY
DRILL SERGEANT.
I WAKE UP AND PISS
EXCELLENCE.”
DRILL SERGEANTS ENCOURAGE THE USE OF PROTECTION . . .
“PRIVATES,
YOU BETTER
FIND A
CONDOM FOR
YOUR HEART,
BECAUSE I’M
ABOUT TO
FUCK YOUR
FEELINGS!”
YOUR DRILL SERGEANT WANTS YOU TO DRESS FOR SUCCESS IN LIFE . . .
“IF YOU DON’T
TIGHTEN UP
THAT BELT,
I’M GONNA TAKE
IT OFF YOUR
WAIST AND WRAP
IT AROUND
YOUR GODDAMN
NECK!”
YOUR DRILL SERGEANT STILL LIKES COMPLIMENTING YOU ON YOUR APPEARANCE . . .
“PRIVATE,
YOU LOOK
LIKE
HAMMERED
WOLF
PUSSY.”
TOP TEN THINGS YOU ARE UGLIER THAN
10.A jarful of pickled assholes.
9.Three gallons of spilled fuck.
8.A bulldog with a mouth full of mayonnaise.
7.A wart on a frog’s ball sack.
6.Mud flaps on a Ferrari.
5.Gary Busey and Roseanne’s love child.
4.A hen’s asshole in a northwest wind.
3.A painting done by Picasso on meth.
2.A stripper in West Virginia on a Wednesday afternoon.
1.A sloth that head-butted a belt sander.
DRILL SERGEANTS KNOW HOW TO DELIVER NEWS . . .
“WELL, I HAVE
GOOD NEWS
AND I HAVE
BAD NEWS.
GOOD NEWS IS
I SAVED FIFTEEN
PERCENT OR
MORE ON CAR
INSURANCE
JUST NOW.
BAD NEWS,
I’M ABOUT TO
SMOKE THE
DOG SHIT OUT
OF YOU ALL
AFTER CHOW.”
DRILL SERGEANTS CAN QUOTE SCRIPTURE ON THE FLY . . .
“JESUS H. TITTY
FUCKING CHRIST,
MARY, JOSEPH, AND
THE SHEPHERDS
JUMPING ON A
FUCKING POGO STICK,
PRIVATE!”
DRILL SERGEANTS HAVE A SPECIFIC DIET AND EXERCISE PLAN . . .
“PRIVATES,
ALL I DO
IS EAT
GUNPOWDER
AND RUN.”
DRILL SERGEANTS WANT YOU TO STAY HYDRATED . . .
“I WILL KICK
YOU IN THE ASS
SO HARD THE
WATER ON MY
KNEES WILL
QUENCH YOUR
THIRST!”
DRILL SERGEANTS LOVE TO LIVE DANGEROUSLY . . .
“PRIVATES,
I HAVE
TEA-BAGGED
BEAR TRAPS.
DO NOT PISS
ME OFF.”
DRILL SERGEANTS ALWAYS GET EVEN . . .
During Basic I had the responsibility of being a squad leader (SL) first, and eventually the platoon guide (PG). One of my squad members in a troop I won’t ever forget was named Private K. In Basic, we are all scum and referred to as “Private.”
Private K was Chinese, and did something I am still dumbfounded by today. When Private K would do some stupid shit or get into trouble, he almost always managed to get out of it. The reason being his English was fuckin’ awful! He would just confuse the shit out of the DS. For instance, we were getting ready for personal time and Private K had already hit his rack and was writing a letter.
DS came in, we called, “AT EASE!” and Private K jumped up quickly. DS saw him and made a beeline to him.
DS: PRIVATE K! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
PRIVATE K: YESH, DRIWL SHARGENT!
With a puzzled look on his face, DS looked around and asked, “Any of you assholes speak Chinese?” He was met with silence and heads shaking. He turns to Private K and said, “Listen, fuckhead! Push-ups, you do them. No more writing letters on my fuckin time!” He emphasized his point with hand signals and facial expressions.
Private K thundered back, “YESH, DRIWL SHARGENT!” Private K still just stood there locked at parade rest.
DS was now laughing pretty much over it, and not wanting to deal with him anymore, he told us we were “fucking morons” and we had “better figure a way to square Private K away.”
From that day on he pretty much just avoided Private K or having to deal with him due to his inability to keep a straight face when he yelled at Private K or when Private K talked.
The best part came graduation day. It turned out Private K spoke a dozen languages fluently including English! He also was an Officer Candidate School (OCS) candidate with two master’s degrees. He was talking with all of us privates in fluent English as we all busted up laughing in complete shock that this little dude just managed to go thirteen weeks and have every single one of us believe he didn’t speak much English.
Our DS heard Private K speaking fluent English as he walked by and came storming over with a look on his face that would have turned Medusa to stone. “YOU LITTLE SQUIRMY MOTHERFUCKER! YOU TRICKSTER ASS DIRTY SON OF A BITCH! GUESS WHAT, FUCKHEAD, YOU LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG TOO SOON! YOUR BUS DOESN’T LEAVE TILL 0645 TOMORROW MORNING AND I PROMISE YOU LITTLE SNAKE YOU AIN’T SLEEPING A FUCKIN’ BIT BETWEEN NOW AND THEN! YOU OWE ME A SHITLOAD OF PUSH-UPS!”
He stormed off cursing in what appeared to be nine different languages to tell the other drill sergeants about Private K’s fuckery. They all pulled CQ (Charge of Quarters) that night and we could hear Private K out on the pad all night, getting thirteen weeks of pain all in one night.
DRILL SERGEANTS ALWAYS HAVE LIFE ADVICE . . .
“HEY,
GUY!
UNFUCK
YOUR
LIFE!”
YOUR DRILL SERGEANT WILL LET YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE OUT OF PLACE . . .
“YOU STICK
OUT LIKE A
DICK ON A
WEDDING
CAKE,
PRIVATE!”
DRILL SERGEANTS LOVE HELPING YOU IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY . . .
“WHAT THE
MIND FORGETS,
THE BODY MAKES
UP FOR WITH
CONSTANT REPETITION,
PRIVATES.
FRONT LEANING
REST POSITION . . .
MOVE!”
DRILL SERGEANTS ENCOURAGE CREATIVE THINKING . . .
“NEVER HOLD
A FART
IN
BECAUSE IF
YOU DO IT GOES
UP TO YOUR
BRAIN AND
THAT’S HOW
YOU GET SHITTY
IDEAS.”
EVEN NEAR GRADUATION, DRILL SERGEANTS KNOW WHO’S IN CHARGE . . .
“YOU MAY
BE SMARTER
THAN ME,
BUT I CAN STILL
FEED YOU
YOUR TEETH.”
DON’T FALL ASLEEP . . .
It was a Sunday and everyone was in the bay. Our drill sergeants tended to be occupied with other things and would leave us alone as long as we were doing something productive (shining boots, squaring away lockers, etc.). There was only one rule: DON’T FALL ASLEEP. I was sitting on my bunk—I forget what I was doing—and I noticed that a troop two racks over had nodded off. I thought that I should wake up the offending private when I saw one of the drill sergeants from B Company (we were A Company) creeping across our bay.
This particular DS was the only one in the battalion with a ranger tab and had a look that could freeze your blood. He saw me see him, gave me a death look, and put a finger to his lips. I could only watch as he crept toward the now snoring private. Silently he produced a canteen, unscrewed it, and poured its contents on Sleepy’s head. Sleepy woke up, sputtering and swinging his arms, then DS Ranger Tab pushed him down into his rack and said something that still makes me laugh.
DS Ranger Tab got about a centimeter from Sleepy’s face and said, “Go back to sleep, Private. It was only a WET DREAM!”