The Use of Man
Page 26
August 13
I woke up happy. Yesterday I was with Egon. He was kind and sweet, but now I must leave.
A good vacation, but too brief.
Egon, your kiss on my hand burns.
You don’t deserve it but I love you.
August 16
Home again! How miserable, to be here. Alone. It’s all over. Unspeakable pain, that everything must end this way. My departure from Zagreb was bleak, my future is bleak. Almighty God, you must not abandon me. Give me the strength to forget. My hardest hours are ahead. Will Egon answer? I can hardly believe he will, because I wounded him. It was partly his fault, though. I did spend some happy hours with him, but a woman needs more. But it was my fault, too, because he was sincere—sincere in a sense. When I think of his vows, it hurts. No, I must forget.
August 25
I’ve been at home for ten days. The workmen are putting insulation in my room, so I’m practically without a place to live, which makes me nervous. But that’s not the worst of it. I have other problems. God in Heaven help me. I hope next week will bring a little relief. On Wednesday (the 21st) I received another postcard from Egon. I didn’t answer it, since he has not answered my letter. Perhaps he lost interest, not obtaining what he wanted. But that’s unimportant now. My conscience tells me he’s not the right man for me. Inconstant. It’s true that I am drawn to cheerful dispositions, but Egon is not sensitive enough for me. Disagreements would be inevitable. I must be sensible. But it’s all in God’s hands. I must be brave, I must go on. And where is Kleinchen now?
I’ve been to three lectures. Professor K. spoke wonderfully. About poetry, the indefatigable Leonardo da Vinci, and yesterday Christ and the Jews. He said the Jews are the greatest materialists, but without them it would be hard for the others to survive. They are the mortar between the bricks. Without Jews we would not be able to think logically. They are the creators of science. He went on to say that the greatest anti-Semites were themselves the greatest Jews. He spoke marvelously about Marx, Freud, Adler, Einstein. And then about judging people. His opinion is that we should judge only after we know the essence of a man. We should approach everyone with respect, for in every human being there is something noble, which must be explored.
October 1
Dear little book, how long you have lain untouched. I’ve been very busy, and was ill, a slight infection of the bladder. But I’m better now. Protect me, Almighty God, from illness.
My work helps me surmount everything. And helps me forget. Only when reading Egon’s letter do I feel a gentle pain. I cannot understand how a person can be so imperfect. It is a question of morals. I don’t want to be angry with him. Perhaps I will see him when I go to Zagreb. But I have become indifferent to him.
And Kleinchen, where is he? I won’t call him, although I would like to see him. That, too, will come.
Thank God I have a lot of pupils. Perhaps I will even make enough to go away for Christmas. That would be marvelous. I must go away more often, otherwise I will become completely cut off from people. But we shall see.
October 21
Monday. One o’clock in the garden, a splendid autumn, very hot, as if it were August. I’m weary, so weary, but reading my letters takes my mind off things. Egon has written again. His tone, after my letter, is cold. Silly little Egon. He says that he is old but his heart is young. I had to laugh out loud. Klara writes regularly and is glad that we will be seeing each other again. I, too, am glad.
October 28
Dear little book, you are my solace and my torment. When I open you, my eyes fill with tears, but sometimes, too, with a little joy. Life is so empty and sad. Yesterday I went to Dornstadter’s with two ladies. It is chaff we thresh! Is there nowhere a man who can understand me? God in Heaven, help me, bless my work, fulfill my desire.
November 1
All Saints! The bells are sad, so sad. I’ve just returned from the cemetery. I saw Kleinchen there, talked to him. God, open wounds! Only now do I realize what you meant to me.
His eyes sought mine. Ah, Kleinchen, if I could tell you my troubles! And then, today, being given notice! What will happen to me? Dear God in Heaven, do not abandon me.
November 20
New lodgings. I am once again dissatisfied. But what can I do? I must eat.
I don’t know what’s wrong with my students. I’ve already lost two. I should go back; that would be the best solution. Once again, struggle. Yesterday, a letter from Egon. Difficult for me to go away for Christmas, much as I would like to. Egon waits in vain.
November 25
Home once again!
I call this little room home. And that is what it is. My home. How glad I am to be here.
Egon sent me a photo. Good to know that he still thinks of me. That he still hopes. Perhaps, God willing, at Klara’s for Christmas. Tonight I dreamed of Kleinchen.
December 13
I always intend to write, but am so busy. Work up to my ears, thank God. Today I woke up joyful, and when I saw the gray sky, I was overcome by a real feeling of Christmas. Christmas! It’s been so long since I was a child. Again I dream of going away, how happily I would go, if it were only possible. Egon has written to me, but I know he’s not sincere. But let me go on dreaming. I’ve broken off with Madame; she was unkind to me. But if everyone hates me, God is with me.
December 25
Christmas. The word echoes in me like a cry of pain. Such an empty, sad Christmas, and for so long I was looking forward to it. Why can’t I make happiness for myself? It’s my own fault. But it’s Egon’s fault, too. In his last letter, he wrote only: Do as you like. That was all he said. When I look at the beautiful blue sky, my heart weeps. How splendid it would be to be there with him! We would take long walks, side by side, like children. Little book, my true friend, only you know my torment. Today I’ll write to Klara. If only Christmas were over.
Today, Böske’s wedding. The bride was very pretty, the Jewish ceremony very pleasant, even though it all means nothing. What are all the vows, promises worth, when people get to know each other only afterward? Still, my heart was empty and sad, especially when the groom asked me pityingly: Why are you alone here? He’s right, I am alone, alone.
Christmas—on the table are red carnations, red as blood. How I love flowers!
God in heaven, do not abandon me.
December 26
Second day of Christmas. I had a nap this afternoon. Last night I went to the cinema. Gustav Fröhlich was very good.
There was quite a scene yesterday. Hirschl saw Egon’s postcard and bellowed like a bull. Threats. I see now that he’s worthless, as coarse and vulgar as a peasant. The devil take him. But I’m not going to get myself worked up about it. Let him go.
I’ll do my work, and God is with me. But I wish I had a companion—a friend who is kind, and who understands me.
December 30
Christmas is over—thank God. It brought me no joy, but that was my own fault. It could have been different. Where did I go—to the cinema and to F.’s. Yes, to F.’s. It was enough to make one want to run away. The atmosphere was miserable. I didn’t see Kl. Christmas with no brightness, no joy, so be it. Yesterday I went to a tavern with Miss Sch., a boring Gretchen who wants to get married. May the devil carry her off to the matchmaker’s.
I ought to have worked today, but my students also seem to want to prolong the holidays.
Tomorrow I will work. Today I’m tired, lazy. And inside, emptiness.
January 4, 1936
Wonderful days, like spring. This morning I saw a beautiful rainbow. What does it mean? Let us hope for fine weather at Easter, so I can go away.
January 12
The marvelous weather is still holding.
January 19
Beautiful days, just like spring. If only it could stay that way. Nothing new with me, except that unfortunately my health is poor. I have a bladder inflammation again. I must go to the doctor. God in Heaven, do not abandon me!
The weather is still pleasant. I went to see Dr. Kerner, who said more or less what Kárpáti said. He’s treating me. I hope I’ll be all right for a while, please God.
Poor little Kárpáti, I feel sorry for him, but people should not be so greedy. Money is the root of all evil. I live alone and I will always live alone. How empty is my little room.
April 7
It’s been such a long time since I saw you, my dear little book! Why is that? I don’t know. I write, I suppose, only when I feel the need. What should I write? My health, thank God, is tolerable. Easter is almost here, but it’s cold and unpleasant. There have been so many expenses, I haven’t saved a penny. E. writes rarely, as do I. Everything has a beginning and an end.
April 26
Sunday. In the house, peace and quiet. It’s good to be by myself at last. But I’m so somber. Easter passed, joyless, and the weather is bad. Work again coming to an end. Summer holidays, how shall I spend them? In Zagreb, God willing. Egon hasn’t written since Easter. Since I wrote him that I’m no longer thinking of marriage, he has cooled off. He himself brought it up, proposed, hoping in that way to get what he wants. But he’s mistaken! Should I allow him just for that? No. Let him get it from others, from those who want only that. I seek friendship, deep and sincere. God will help me.
May 4
Nothing new. E. is silent. I was right. I don’t like his kind. Especially Jews. I went to the cinema, saw “The Merry Widow.” Excellent! Very amusing. There is an honest woman. She acted well. Love conquered her. I, too, would like to be loved—just a little—but all that is over. Autumn is at the gate. I don’t really want to see it.
May 30
Tomorrow, Whitsun. Nothing new. Klara wrote; her words hurt me. Last night I dreamed of L. Wearisome nights. I long for love!
Next month I go away. May God help me.
June 30
Since the 26th I’ve been here in Zagreb. But how forlorn I feel! On account of E. I see now what a liar he is. Dear God, help me! You alone see how unhappy I am. But why, why? Can no one be trusted? Never mind! He’s not worth thinking about. I won’t think about him! I want to forget and I will forget what I’ve heard.
July 13
Here I am, ill, my will broken. What have I done? Yesterday, Dr. G. I yielded to him. He overcame me. Never mind. I learned something, a good lesson for me. I don’t despise him—it’s his nature. And dear E.? I broke off with him! It’s better this way. I will remain alone. G. told me the truth, but not the whole truth.
I spent some lovely hours with him, lovely, but to what purpose? God help me, I no longer believe in anything. I would weep if I could, if I were alone—but I’m not. Only my heart is alone.
Lord, do not abandon me!
August 30
Back home three weeks already! Tomorrow, with God’s help, work begins. Deliver us from holidays without joy, without pleasure. But luckily everything can be forgotten. And I have forgotten. I love my work; all my reward is in it.
December 30
Little book, dearest friend, how long is it since I’ve seen you? And what bitter hours. The worry of earning enough to eat. What can I say? Lament my troubles? No, I have put lamenting behind me. Serbian Christmas is almost here.
January 15, 1937
Another year has passed.
The festive season is over, joyless. I received nice gifts, but nothing makes me happy. I am cold inside, my nerves are terrible, I am so tired. I don’t want to hear anything about the past. God grant that my pupils learn and get good grades. Klara writes rarely. The holidays are approaching again. Very cold today. Otherwise, nothing new. God, do not abandon me.
January 26
Blizzard. It’s impossible for me to leave my room. The elements are as angry as we are. How dismal life is! My health is not good. Lord, give me strength to get through this! The days pass without happiness; my pupils are often rude.
February 12
Extremely pleasant weather. But I’m very tired. Mila was here Sunday. That’s how it is when you have a sister but don’t really have a sister. I know that I’m an old maid and will remain one. Nothing but conniving on all sides. God, help me.
March 28
Easter! Cold, vile weather, which suits my mood. But no, sunshine would cheer me up. Many times I wanted to write and complain to you, dear little book. I had much to say. For the moment, thank God, there’s enough work, but the students are poor. I’m taking on too much; that’s why I have so little energy. Once again the school year draws to a close. A gloomy, vacant year. God grant the next one will be better. I must make a new schedule.
Klara has invited me to go to Rogaška Slatina: I’ll see. I must look for a new home. Pleasure, sunshine, happiness, where are you hiding? Come out, come to see me just once!
April 22
Rain for four whole weeks. Melancholy has taken hold of me. And my work is not going well. This year I took on too much. I mustn’t let that happen again. The results are not nearly as good. If fewer students show up in the autumn, I mustn’t forget that I swore to work less. This is beyond my strength. I can feel it. Dear, kind God, make everything end well. Sun, where are you?
August 15
The next to the last day of my stay here. I have learned something, seen the people I wanted to see, done what I wanted to do.
But with no pleasure.
October 20
What can I say? Everything is the same. My health, thank God, is all right. My work is difficult. Klara’s friendship has cooled. No matter. It’s all in the past. Wonderful weather, as in midsummer.
November 13
Terribly windy for three days now. This sudden change is unpleasant. I’ve had a chill since the 1st. I haven’t been out of my room. Everything is a struggle. God, just give me my health! I’ve gained weight this year, more than four kilos, I’m looking better. I have to laugh when men’s eyes linger on me—me, already in the autumn of my life. I have no regrets, but if only the sun would shine on me just once more! On the night of November 1st I dreamt of my father. He was playing the piano. He lifted me up and said: My poor unfortunate child.
January 10, 1938
Christmas, holidays, again without cheer. New Year’s Eve at F. Feith’s, but otherwise working. Yesterday to the theater, the day before to the cinema: “Der Pfarrer von Kirchfeld.” Awakens an aching longing for my native country. The people, nature, loving eyes. I know now what it is I miss. Worries, serious worries on account of my students. Almighty God, give me strength. Since December 21st, extreme cold.
January 27
St. Sava’s Day. A national holiday this year. I was working.
Sunday, I made a new acquaintance—Albin. Dark eyes. We have known of each other for a long time. He kissed my hand. A sweet memory. I spent several good days thinking about him. Small pleasures. His words, “I should like to see your beautiful eyes once again,” fill my heart.
September 11
It’s been a long time since I saw you, my good little friend. I had nothing to write. I spent the summer in Zagreb, uneventful. I’ve been back here since August 1st, and am already working. A lot of work. I rarely see A., but on the evening of September 5th I saw the one with whom I spent the best days of my life, K. He was so handsome, his eyes sought mine, our eyes met. As the national anthem was played, we looked at each other. A moment of inexpressible beauty. I feel that I love him and that he still loves me. I’d like to talk to him—I’ll call him—perhaps. Tonight I dreamt of him, we were kissing, he took me away. My dear, my dear. I love you.
I must think of the future. I’m forty-two, and when I look at myself in the mirror, I am amazed. Is this a woman on the brink of old age? My eyes shine, my cheeks are fresh. Merciful God, give me happiness just one more time!
October 23
I’ve been in my new lodgings for a few days now. Sad days. I hope I’ll soon calm down.
Father in Heaven, do not abandon me.
January
9, 1939
Christmas has come and gone, the New Year also. I stayed at home. To the cinema occasionally, good films. Otherwise, nothing. The weather is fine, a lot of snow— for our Christmas and for the Orthodox Christmas, too.
I must get back to work.
What can I say? I am unhappy, but I work.
January 27
Saint Sava, 1939.
Here I am, dear friend, with you again. But what will I write?
Mila was here. Perhaps I shall buy that house. I work. Work progresses, to quote Berberin’s messenger. But I’ve caught a chill and my head aches. Time goes so quickly, my students are lazy—today I had only four lessons. My loneliness is a curse. I must do something, I have a plan.
June 12
Ill since February. A lot of pain.
My God, God in Heaven, do not abandon me.
August 1
Still sick. The holidays are almost over. Don’t know where to begin. On Sunday I was at Vinkovci. The house is not for sale and I have lost my money, but I made an acquaintance—Rakić. I shall never forget it. The animal proposed marriage just to get what he wanted.
Dear God, I’m at the end of my strength. Be with me!
October 20
There are days when I feel better. I’ve gained 3½ kilos, thank God. But I’m still very ill. My work goes well, though I’m doing less. God preserve me.
November 1, 1940
The bells ring out sadly. All Saints. A new illness. Dear Father in Heaven, do not abandon me. Dear Father in Heaven, restore me to health.
22
The end of the war, like its beginning, long expected yet sudden when it came, was announced by gunfire: soldiers joyfully turned the muzzles of their rifles skyward and pulled the triggers.
The salvo found Sredoje in Koprivnica, and when he ran into the street and saw the red trails of the tracer bullets against the May sky, he understood their meaning, that he had been made a gift of the future. With emotion he loaded his radio equipment onto a requisitioned peasant cart, jumped on with his three assistants, and at full speed, whipping the horses and singing, in a night and a day covered the road to Celje, their new destination. They merged with a flood of soldiers and prisoners there in the streets, which were pleasantly warm in the milky sun and wild with rejoicing.