I don’t know how to live a life without him. He was the glue in our family. The perfect middle kid who helped make sure everyone got along. I’m devastated that he is going to miss seeing his little girl grow up and I’m pissed that he’s gone. My eyes focus on one of the two of us I don’t remember ever being taken. I have my arm around his shoulders and I’m pulling him close, kissing the side of his head. His smile is wide and one of his hands is wrapped around my arm, holding me to him.
Our parents taught us from birth not to be afraid of showing our affection toward each other. My dad still kisses our cheeks and hugs us tightly, telling us he loves us. “It doesn’t mean you’re not a man to show and tell people what you’re feeling,” he’d always say. Words we’ve lived by and now more than ever I’m grateful he taught us that lesson. I never missed a chance to tell Chris I loved him or give him a hug, even while I was upset over him getting Addy pregnant.
Before I realize it, tears are once again sliding down my cheeks and I wipe them away, turn away from the wall of memories, and come face-to-face with Addy.
“He loved you so much.”
I nod, wiping away another tear, and swallow down the emotion clogging my throat.
“I know. I loved him, too.”
She walks over and takes my cup out of my hand, setting it on the end table next to the couch then wraps her arms around me. Addy’s always been a physically affectionate person. That’s how she feels and shows love. We hug each other tightly, neither of us wanting to let go. I need the comfort having her in my arms is bringing me now more than ever before. Addy’s tiny in comparison to me but it always felt right to hold her.
“We’ll be okay, right?” she asks.
“Eventually, I hope.”
“It’s so unbelievable.”
“I talked to him about coaching Zoey’s team just a few days ago. It makes no sense to me that he’s gone.”
She angles her head to look up at me, keeping her eyes on mine. “Is that why you couldn’t go to your parents’ last night?”
“Part of it, yeah. As soon as I go there, it’ll be real. The point of no return, you know?”
“Yeah.”
“And I needed this,” I tell her, my arms flexing around her small frame.
“Yeah,” she repeats and rests her cheek on my chest and I hold her against me with my hand on the back of her head.
“Mommy?” Zoey’s sleepy voice interrupts us. She wedges herself between us. “I want hugs, too.”
I pull us all to the floor and Zoey climbs into my lap as Addy sits next to us. The three of us hold each other while sniffling through our sadness.
“I have to go potty,” Zoey announces, making us laugh. We stand up from our place on the floor and I can’t help but think how perfect it felt to have them both in my arms, which makes me feel like a giant dick for thinking of that during this time.
“Okay, baby. I’ll get some breakfast started for us while you do that then we’ll go to Papa and Nana’s house after we’re ready, okay?”
“Beau?” Zoey turns her sad little eyes up to me, pleading with me to tell her I’m not going anywhere. I get it, though. She needs to know the people she loves aren’t going to keep disappearing on her.
“I’ll wait here with you guys and we can go over together.”
“Kay.”
We watch her go and I lean over and kiss Addy on the temple after pulling her close. “She’ll be okay, Addy. She’s got all of us. My parents. My brother. Me. And so do you. I’m not going to lie… the hurt won’t ever go away completely and we’ll feel the sting of it for a while, but we’ll stand by you both and help her through it. I promise.”
She looks up at me through wet lashes. “I believe you.”
Damn if that doesn’t make me feel like I could conquer anything life throws at us even through the shit we’re dealing with.
I release Addy and we get to work on getting some breakfast. While Addy toasts some bagels, I cut up a few apples and smear peanut butter onto the slices. She pours a glass of milk for Zoey and we set everything on the table.
Zoey walks into the kitchen, dressed in shorts and a t-shirt and carrying her stuffed donkey Chris gave her. She’s loved donkeys ever since my dad took her to the fair and everyone was looking at all the horses but no one was over by the donkeys. She felt bad for them and cried right there in the middle of the barn. She’s a gentle soul and it scares me to think about what the loss of her father, her hero, is going to do to her.
“Will you help me with the white stuff?” Zoey asks, handing me half a bagel and climbing onto my lap to eat.
I look up at Addy whose eyes are sad as she watches us. “Sure thing, Squirt.”
After putting cream cheese on her bagel, I give it back to her and she takes a big bite.
Normally Zoey doesn’t stop talking even while she’s eating but now she’s silent. I look at Addy across the table and the sadness I see in her eyes for her daughter is impossible to miss.
When Zoey announces she’s finished, I’m glad to see her plate is empty and that the loss of her father hasn’t diminished her appetite.
“Can we go see Papa and Nana now?” she asks, looking up at me.
I give her a little bounce on my knee and she rewards me with the barest of smiles. “Sure thing. Help us clean up first, though, okay?”
She nods and we put away the dirty dishes into the dishwasher.
As we’re walking outside to our cars, I tell them I’ll see them over at my parents’ house but Zoey breaks down, wondering why we can’t go together.
“Because my pickup is here, honey. If we ride together, I won’t have my vehicle at Nana and Papa’s after you and your mommy leave to come back home.”
That explanation does nothing to satisfy her and only makes her cry harder. “But you can’t go by yourself! You can’t!”
Maybe it’s wrong to give in to her so easily and quickly, but I can’t deny her what she needs. Not right now, anyway. Now’s definitely not the time for tough love. “Okay, okay. We’ll ride together. How about you climb in with me?”
Zoey nods, still sniffling. I grab her booster seat from Addy’s small SUV and after getting it situated in my back seat, we take the short trip over to my parents’ house. Only Max’s large pickup sits in the driveway so I pull in next to it. My mom rushes out of the house before I can even get Zoey’s door open and takes over, pulling her from the cab as quickly as she can and hugging her tightly.
“How’s my baby girl? Nana missed you!”
“I just saw you yesterday, Nana!” Zoey giggles when Mom buries her face in her neck and I swear my heart almost explodes from my chest at hearing her little girl laughter. Since I arrived on their doorstep last night, she’s been so sad, rightfully so, and to hear her displaying a little bit of happiness now is everything I was missing.
Addy wipes away a tear and we follow Mom and Zoey into the house.
Mom places a plastic container of cookies on the table. I’m positive she pulled them out of the freezer — she always makes extra batches of cookies and stores them in the freezer to have on hand. These just happen to be Chris’s favorite. Peanut butter cookies with a chocolate star pressed into the center. Whenever Mom made them, he’d tackle us if we tried to eat them, claiming them all for himself. He’d be able to eat a dozen in only a few minutes. Peanut butter blossoms, my mom always called them. The sight of the innocent cookies makes me pause. I stare at the container heaping full of my brother’s favorite treat, the same one that he would have for his birthday instead of cake, and all the breath leaves my lungs. Why would she put those out? Now? When the sting of losing him is still so real? I feel Addy at my back but it does nothing to calm my irrational anger over a dessert item. She places a hand on my forearm and whispers, “They’re just cookies. It’s okay.”
“They’re more than cookies,” I quietly growl.
She nods, looking at my mom who keeps hugging Zoey. “I know. But right now, they are.”
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“Have a seat, you two.”
Rather than obey, I take Zoey to the pantry and help her pick out a snack. She might have just eaten breakfast, but it’s something to occupy myself.
“Your dad has been on the phone with the funeral home this morning. We’re supposed to go over there this afternoon for the arrangements. We’d like it if you both could be there.”
“Of course,” I reply, handing Zoey a small bag of Goldfish crackers. She grins up at me.
Addy, though, isn’t so quick to agree. “What about Zoey?”
With Addy’s mom gone and her dad never in the picture, she and Zoey’s only family is ours and she doesn’t leave her with babysitters often, if ever, from what I understand. Mainly because if she needed a night away, she would do so on the nights Christopher had Zoey.
“Max’s girl is here and said she would hang out with her.”
Max has been with his girlfriend, Amelia, for a few years now and she has been really good with Zoey.
“Max doesn’t want her with him?”
Mom fiddles with the edge of the yellow and white striped tablecloth. “He knows you need to be there and Amelia would be happy to spend a few hours with Zoey.”
Dad, Max, and Amelia walk into the kitchen and Dad swiftly lifts Zoey up, hugging her tightly. “Papa, you squishin’ me!”
“Can’t help it, Zo-Zo. I need my fix.”
“Papa,” she says, giggling again and squirming to get away.
Max snatches her up next and after he’s finished with her, Amelia takes her hand.
“You want to do my makeup?” Amelia asks Zoey. Her reply is to squeal and take off running to the bathroom. Zoey loves playing with makeup and dress up and Amelia is always happy to be her real life Barbie.
The rest of the adults settle in around the table as Mom and Dad give me a rundown of what they know from the doctors as well as the funeral home. The entire time, Addy keeps her hand in mine.
Chapter Five
Addy
“That is not all it was, Addy. You’re pregnant! With my brother’s baby!”
I jolt awake, sitting straight up in bed. Pressing a hand to my chest, I try to calm my breathing and get my racing heart under control. A sheen of sweat coats my skin and I look around my bedroom, thankful to see Zoey sound asleep next to me. Completely unaware of the fact that her mother had yet another bad dream.
The same one I have a few times a year. This year I got lucky and had the dream a third time. Darkness seeps into the room along with the breeze blowing in the cool night air. I take a deep breath, allowing the fresh scent to relax me.
As quietly as possible, I slide out of the bed so as not to wake up Zoey and slip on my navy blue hoodie over my tank top, zipping it up halfway. I move to stand next to the window, wishing I could have gotten a few more hours of sleep before the hellish day that’s coming ahead. The day we bury my daughter’s daddy. My friend. My best friend’s brother.
Christopher.
I can’t believe this is happening. The last few days have felt like a nightmare that none of us could wake from. My daughter is devastated. Our family will never be the same.
Saying goodbye to Chris — officially, anyway — is going to suck. No other way to put it. Death of a loved one sucks. It seems unfair and like the pain is never going to go away. And it won’t. Not really. It might dull and fade over time but it will never be absent.
I wipe away a tear from my cheek and swallow the lump in my throat. My heart is broken for my daughter and myself and Beau and his parents and Max. Ugh.
While Zoey is awake, I’ve been trying so hard to be strong while at the same time showing her that it’s okay to feel the pain and be sad. But in the quiet of the night, when nothing but darkness surrounds me, I can’t keep it together.
I’m beyond exhausted. Owning a flower shop in a small town means that my business is always busy for funerals. But this time, I’ve had to step back and let my employees handle most of it. It doesn’t change the fact that I wanted to be the one to put together the casket spray and make sure that the plants and bouquets that were being sent to his parents were the best there could be. I hand-picked every single flower, whether it was necessary or not. It was a way for me to cope, I assume. Something to keep my mind occupied and off the fact that the unthinkable happened.
After the initial shock wore off that I was pregnant, I felt so fortunate. Growing up without a dad because he didn’t care enough to stick around, I always swore that I would never have a baby with someone I didn’t know and trust would be a good father. And Chris wasn’t just a good father. He was great. He was present for every single milestone, talked with Zoey every day, attended her T-ball games and practices. Some might say that he was a helicopter parent of sorts. But not me. I loved how much he wanted to be such a significant part of Zoey’s life. He was everything I had ever wanted for a dad for myself and I was grateful my daughter had that. And now…
Blowing out a shaky breath, I tie the string on my blue striped cotton night pants and turn away from the window. There’s no point in going back to bed, knowing I’ll only toss and turn, so I decide to go to the kitchen and make a cup of tea, making a quick stop in the bathroom first.
The day I told Beau I was pregnant, terrified would be putting it mildly. I’d been in love with Beau since before I knew what being in love with someone meant, even though I can’t regret the night I spent with Christopher because it gave us Zoey.
But at the time? I could hardly look at myself in the mirror.
I’d spent years pining over my best friend only to fall into the arms — and bed —of his brother. The morning after I spent the night with Christopher, I couldn’t believe what I’d done. I knew that I would never be able to keep it a secret from Beau because there simply were no secrets between us. That is, of course, aside from the fact that I was in love with him. That’s something I’ve kept to myself, though Christopher knew. After I turned down his proposal countless times, he eventually demanded a reason. He loved me. I loved him, too. Just not in the way a woman should love a man she intends to marry.
Just as I opened my mouth to lie, my phone lit up with Beau’s face. Apparently Chris was really good at reading faces. I begged him not to tell Beau and he promised me he wouldn’t. To my knowledge, he kept his promise.
After I finish up in the bathroom, I walk quietly to the kitchen, not wanting to wake up Beau along the way. He moved to the spare bedroom after Zoey fell asleep and as much as I wanted to protest, I knew it was better that way. Zoey was already quickly growing attached to having Beau around.
The tile floor is cold under my feet and I wish I would have taken the time to find my slippers. I flip on the light and almost jump out of my skin when I’m greeted with the gorgeous display in front of me. Beau’s bare back. He’s always been a large man. Broad shoulders, thick arms and thighs, sinewy back. Such a contrast to my small frame. Over a foot shorter than his 6’4”, I’ve always felt tiny in comparison.
He turns to face me when he hears me enter and the look on his face almost makes me crumble to dust right here in my kitchen.
“We’re burying my baby brother today,” he says quietly, eyes focused on me.
“Yes.”
He looks back out the kitchen window which he’s leaning a shoulder against. “When Chris was born, I wouldn’t leave him alone. My mom was busy enough with a toddler and a newborn but then to add to it, I wouldn’t let him out of my sight. I don’t remember, of course, but that’s the way they tell it. I told everyone that he was my best friend. When people would come over to see him, I’d hover over them, afraid they were going to take him away from me. At least, that’s what my parents figured. When we grew up, we had moments where we fought and yelled at each other. We’d have wrestling matches and I swear I think Mom thought we’d bloody each other up sometimes. But it never went that far. And damn anyone who thought they’d mess with one of us.”
I smile a ghost of a smile, remembering th
at very well. Beau has always been a man who would stand up for someone who’s been mistreated. That’s how he and I met, after all. Standing up to someone who tried to steal my snack when I was only four. But it wasn’t lost on anyone in our town that if you messed with one of the Aikin brothers, you messed with all three of them.
It’s then that it hits me. He’s afraid that he failed watching over his brother somehow.
“It’s not your fault.”
“Isn’t it? Was I too blinded by my own worries, my own life, that I missed something major with him? How long had he been having headaches?”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask him what his worries are but now’s not the time. Right now he needs to break out of the funk he’s found himself in. The deep pit of despair that he’s fallen into, though completely understandable.
“He wasn’t.”
“What do you mean?” he murmurs, still looking out the window. The darkness of my backyard is highlighted by the full moon high in the sky above, shining down and creating a soft glow.
“He wasn’t having headaches. Not that he told anyone, anyway. What happened to him, it couldn’t have been prevented. You couldn’t have saved him.”
Beau grunts and I know he doesn’t believe me. Rather than stand ten feet away from him, I cross the cold tile and move to stand in front of him, lifting a hand to his cheek and turning his face to me.
Once I have his attention, I wrap my hand around his bicep. “Listen to me, Beau. This isn’t your fault. It isn’t Max’s or your parents’ or mine. What happened to Chris is devastating and awful. A ruptured brain aneurysm is too often fatal.”
“It shouldn’t have been this way. He died alone, Addy. Alone. Because I couldn’t pull myself out of my ass and support him the way he deserved.”
What is he talking about? Yeah, after Zoey was born, he was a little distant but Chris told me that was because Beau wanted to give us time. Besides, he didn’t even live in the same town as us. But that’s the only time I can remember him not one hundred percent supporting Chris. I mean, the last few years he hasn’t reached out quite as often as he once did but I can hardly blame him. He’s busy just as I am.
The Path To Us: A Single Parent Romance Page 5