“What are you…”
His hazel eyes look nearly black in the barely lit room when he stares down at me. His chest heaves with a deep inhalation of breath and his eyes flutter closed for a brief second. Right now isn’t the time to think about how obscenely sexy he is, but I can’t help it.
With one hand on his chest, the other still on his arm, I watch as he struggles against the internal battle. Whatever is going on in his head, I want him to snap out of it.
“Hey. Listen to me, Beau. You were the best big brother Chris could ask for. He never felt like he was lacking from what you gave him. He loved you. Loved. You. Do you hear me? Whatever is going on in your head right now? Tune it out. It’s not truth and if you dig deep, you’d know it.”
“He loved you.”
I jerk back. “What? What does that have to do with anything?”
“He loved you, Addy. You know it as surely as I do and I was too stuck in my own misery, in my own head to let him have you.”
I stare at him, confused and lost in his admission. “I don’t… I don’t understand.”
“He was so in love with you.”
“No. He might have been at one point, but he’d moved on. He loved me because he was infatuated with his big brother’s best friend and then because I was his daughter’s mom. We talked about it, Beau. He realized that he wasn’t in love with me.”
I know what I’m telling him sounds ridiculous. For those years after he proposed, I tried so hard to convince not only me, but him, as well, that he wasn’t in love with me. To ease my own guilt for not returning that kind of love. He told me he no longer harbored those feelings and I believed him. Whether it was because I wanted to or because he made a compelling enough argument, I don’t know.
“He was,” Beau says simply. “And it’s because of me that he never got what his heart desired, isn’t it?” His voice is so quiet. Deep. Raspy. Vulnerable.
“Yes.” I don’t know what I’m admitting to in this moment. The fact that I never loved his brother because my heart has always been lost to him?
He nods sadly as if that simple answer is enough. “I can’t bury him today, Addy. I can’t do it.”
Rather than whisper useless words, I simply wrap my arms around him and cling tight. Much like Zoey’s been doing with him since he showed up on our door step just a few nights ago, I don’t let him go. I wonder if he’s getting tired of being touched. The way his arms bind around me, I’m assuming he doesn’t mind.
“I’m not ready,” he says, his shoulders shaking slightly, just like his voice.
“I know. We never would be, though.”
We stand together, grieving over the loss of a wonderful man, until the sun pushes the moon out of its place and begins its ascent into the sky. My body aches and my eyes feel swollen and puffy from crying while the rest of our world was asleep.
“We aren’t going anywhere, Beau. Zoey and me? We’re here for you. Just like you promised to be here for us.”
“Thank you,” he whispers. “I’m sorry for interrupting your sleep.”
“It wasn’t you. I woke up and knew I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep so I came out here to make some tea.”
“That you never made.”
“No. But I got something better.”
He kisses my forehead and gives me one more squeeze.
“Let’s get this shitty ass day over with.”
“You okay?”
He looks at me and something crosses his features I can’t name before he nods. “Yeah. I’ll be okay. Not today, but eventually.”
“That’s all we can hope for.”
Chapter Six
Addy
The funeral is amazingly awful. Which, I suppose, is normal. Listening to Beau speak all the truths of his brother, leaving nothing unspoken, is beautiful. He told stories of Christopher as a young boy and as a teenager. He spoke about him as a father and vice principal. He told funny stories and even some of when Chris would cause mayhem. It’s one of the reasons he was so good at his job — he was real with the students and didn’t hide the fact that he was less than perfect.
Many of the students at his high school attended the funeral. To see nearly three hundred teenagers sitting in the church, several wiping tears from their eyes, was a testament to how loved Chris was. He bonded with the kids by letting them see that they weren’t alone and their struggles didn’t go unnoticed. He listened and led while building relationships with each of them.
I slip my arm through Beau’s as we walk across the grass to Chris’s burial plot and grip Zoey’s hand with my other. Keeping her eyes trained on the bright green grass, she shuffles along slowly, not in any hurry to get to our destination.
After the funeral, a lunch is served by members of the church Chris attended. It was meant to be a celebration with some of Chris’s favorite foods. Sloppy joes, his favorite cookies, and a few other sides. Some of Zoey’s friends from preschool came to the lunch to give her a much-needed distraction. They drew on the sidewalk with colorful chalk and sat in a circle doing something with clapping softly in what appeared to be organized chaos. I didn’t interrupt or ask questions because Zoey was smiling and enjoying time with her friends.
Most of the funeral attendees went their separate ways after the luncheon, but those who wanted to say their final goodbyes at the cemetery were invited to join the family graveside. This is what all of us have been dreading the most: watching Chris’s casket being lowered into the ground.
Beau stops walking, removes his sunglasses and folds them up, placing them in the pocket of his button down. He removed his suit coat and rolled up his sleeves when we arrived, the summer heat beating down on us and causing all of us to need to fan ourselves. He leans down and picks up Zoey, holding her in one arm on his side while taking my hand.
The family takes their designated spots under the tent, me sitting next to Bethany with Zoey on my lap. Beau stands directly behind me as the preacher speaks words of faith and love. Our eyes trained on the casket the entire time.
After the final prayer, Bethany’s sister sings “Amazing Grace”, encouraging us to join. Bethany cries softly next to me, leaning against Peter’s shoulder. When the song comes to an end, Zoey squirms on my lap so I let her go. Without hesitation, she walks over to the casket, leans over, and splays her arms across the slick surface before kissing the side. The small crowd watches in silence as she says, “I love you, Daddy.”
When she turns around, she goes directly to Peter and Bethany, climbing onto Peter’s lap when she notices him crying, shoulders shaking and head dropped so he’s looking at the ground while pinching the bridge of his nose. He wraps his arms around her and buries his head into her neck. A sixty-two-year-old man with gray hair being comforted by his granddaughter is one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen.
When he sucks in a deep breath and lifts his head, Zoey places a hand on his cheek. “It’s okay, Papa. ‘Member? He’s watching us now.”
He offers up a small smile and sniffs. “That’s right, ZoZo. He’s watching us.”
She nods and sits up straight on his lap. “Your turn. He’s watching so we have to tell him we love him.”
Peter shifts Zoey to Bethany’s lap and he repeats the actions of his granddaughter moments before. Followed by Bethany, Max, and Amelia, then Beau.
“Mommy. You’re s’posed to be there wif Unca Beau. Go on. Daddy needs to hear it.”
I stand on shaky legs and move to Christopher’s casket, stepping beside Beau. He doesn’t acknowledge me when he lays one hand on the casket and leans over.
“I love you, brother. This isn’t goodbye. This is only see you later.”
I wipe away a tear before I say my final goodbye. “Chris,” I whisper, “I love you and I promise to take care of our girl. You watch from up there, I’ll take care of her down here.” And just like Zoey did, I kiss the casket. I grip Beau’s hand and we make our way back to the chairs.
“This sucks,” Be
au mutters.
“That’s putting it mildly,” Max replies.
“Chris would hate this. He’d want us to be celebrating.”
“He’d probably rather we be cracking jokes than crying,” Amelia says, giggling.
“Screw it. Amelia’s right. He wouldn’t want all of us to be stiff.”
“Like he has room to talk,” Max murmurs. “He’s the stiff one.”
It’s enough to get us all out of our sadness, for a few moments, anyway. We laugh quietly and the family begins to move around outside of the tent, talking to the rest of the attendees.
I’m speaking with one of Peter’s brothers, Brent, when a familiar voice I haven’t heard in over ten years pierces my ears. I try my hardest to focus on whatever Brent is telling me, but I’m practically desperate to hear what Lizzy is saying to Beau right now.
The fact that she showed up here at all surprises me.
After Beau and I caught her and Tyson together, the friendship that she and I once shared went up in smoke. Two days later I showed up at her door. She let me in acting as if nothing had happened. When I asked her why she cheated on Beau, she shrugged and said she knew it was wrong, but she also couldn’t resist Tyson.
Turns out, what she couldn’t resist wasn’t Tyson, the person.
It was the potential that Tyson had with making baseball his career. It was the idea of being with him as he played college ball and hopefully one day the major leagues. Visions of being one of those couples that found each other in high school and stayed together against all odds because of the pull and friction that being in the spotlight can bring to a couple.
She was latching on to him thinking she’d just landed the golden ticket, so to speak. But he had other plans. The two dated until he got an offer to play for a team in Arizona, though I suspect neither did so exclusively. While she expected he’d ask her to join him, he had his eyes set on other things. The glitz and glam of stardom and wealth that drew Lizzy into his world was the same thing that he broke up with her for. He didn’t want to be saddled to one woman when he would have several throwing themselves at his feet, according to Amelia who’s good friends with Tyson’s sister.
When he left Lizzy, she didn’t let him go quietly. She made sure to make everyone aware of the reason why she was with him, and that it wasn’t because she loved him. It was disgusting and sad but not at all surprising. Not after the way she threw Beau aside without a care.
I watch as she places a well-manicured hand on Beau’s arm and press my lips together to stop myself from smiling when he looks down at the connection only to take a step back. It wouldn’t surprise me if she always assumed Beau would wait for her. Pine away for years until she was ready to come back. I have no idea how the two of us were as good of friends as we were all those years.
Maybe I’m wrong about her. I haven’t spoken a word to her since the day I confronted her about cheating on Beau. Not a peep when I announced I was pregnant or when I announced Zoey’s arrival. Nothing about my mother’s cancer or when she passed away. Nada. No words of condolence or sympathy.
But now she’s here and my guess is it’s not for any reason other than to get her hooks into Beau.
Not on my watch, though.
I may not have the right to even have an opinion about who Beau dates, but Lizzy? That’s a road he should never go back down. I won’t allow it. Her betrayal sent him packing and ruined his ability to trust people. Maybe if she’d cheated on him with anyone else, it wouldn’t have hurt him quite so much. But the fact that she was sleeping with Tyson, his best friend — other than me — is what damaged him the most. At least that’s what I think.
Beau’s eyebrows furrow as he listens to whatever she’s saying. I roll my eyes when I watch her thrust her chest in his direction and once again, touch his arm and throw her head back in laughter. Not just laughter — but incredibly loud, obnoxious laughter. And by the look on Beau’s face, he’s not even sure as to why she’s laughing. Does she not realize where we are? Who laughs like a hyena at someone’s brother’s burial?
Beau meets my eyes and I see the humor there as he notices me watching with my arms crossed over my chest and my jaw dropped. He winks and tops it off with a smirk and I narrow my eyes when I see him tip his chin up in my direction. When Lizzy turns to see what he’s pointing out, her face drops before she clears her expression and replaces the obvious disappointment with a fake toothy smile. Behind her, Beau grins as his mouth moves in what I’m sure is encouraging her to come over and talk to me.
That jerk. I have no desire to talk to her and he damn well knows it. After we discovered her cheating on him, I made the decision to choose sides. I was eighteen and in love with Beau, so I chose him.
Not only because I was in love with him, but also because he’d been my best friend for as long as I could remember. Beau was my protector, the person who never failed to be by my side. There was no way I was going to turn my back on him and not only because I was so angry with Lizzy. I had been so jealous of their relationship but pushed it down because Beau was happy. The second that happiness zipped away with the wind, I turned my back on Lizzy. Maybe it wasn’t right but like I said, I was only eighteen and felt like I could play both sides of the proverbial coin.
And then the two of them are on the move. I open my mouth to excuse myself from speaking with Beau’s uncle only to realize he already moved on to speaking with someone else. Probably because I was ignoring him while staring at Lizzy and Beau.
“Oh my gosh, Addy! I didn’t even see you!”
Liar. How could she have not have seen me? I was sitting with the family the entire day.
I return her awkward hug. “Hi, Lizzy.”
I don’t ask her how she’s doing or say anything else. I’m not a liar and I’m not about to pretend that I care about how she’s doing or what she’s up to. I’m not callous, it’s not that I wish ill of her. I just truly don’t care what’s going on in her life.
She didn’t spare me a second thought when my mother died and over the years, she’s been only a memory. Not all bad, of course. At one point she and I were as close as sisters. I loved only a few people and she was one of them. I trusted that she wouldn’t hurt any of those people. And then she betrayed that hard-earned trust by hurting the person I loved most, aside from my mother.
“I didn’t know you’d be here.”
I look at her with raised eyebrows. “Did you think I’d not show up for the funeral of my daughter’s dad? Or my friend’s brother? Or… my family?” With every question, I feel heat rising within me. I’m irritated that she’s even standing in front of me, let alone that she just spouted off something as stupid as she just did.
“No. I guess… I mean here.”
She means with the family. Which also means that she was lying earlier, just as I suspected. She’s a real piece of work.
Rather than respond with words, I just shrug my shoulders and resist scoffing, rolling my eyes, or curling my lip.
“She’s family,” Beau explains and I wish he’d just stay out of it. I don’t need him to be explaining anything. I throw him a look that I hope tells him to shut up but it only humors him. He scrubs a hand over his smiling face. The irritatingly handsome jerk.
“Well, her daughter is,” Lizzy argues.
“Not just her daughter, Liz. Addy’s been a part of our family for longer than I can remember.”
“Oh.”
I want to say “take that!” but I don’t. Because I’m an adult and right now, arguing in the middle of a cemetery where we just buried someone we love isn’t helping anyone. Nor is it appropriate.
“Anyway, what’s up, Lizzy?” I ask, only because I want to move on from the ridiculous argument we were just having.
“Not much. Just moved back and heard about Chris. I’m so sorry, again, Beau.”
“Thanks.”
“Where did you move from?”
“Most recently I’d been living in Tampa.”
; “And now you’re back in Michigan?” I ask, skeptically, knowing that Tyson announced his early retirement from the major leagues because of a knee injury and that he would be making his home in the hills of Michigan once again. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if she decided to move back here for that very reason.
“I thought it was time. So how have you been, Addy? What’s new with you?”
“Well, we just buried my daughter’s father. My mom died a few years ago. I own the flower shop now. Other than that, not much.”
She has the decency to look marginally embarrassed by my blunt response in keeping her up to date on what’s been happening in my life since she never bothered to check in. Not that I gave her the same courtesy, however, if something major had changed in her life like one of her parents dying, I’d have at least sent her a card.
Luckily, Max interrupts us at just the right time, saving all three of us from the awkwardness.
“We’re heading back to Mom and Dad’s. They wondered if Zoey could just ride with them and we’ll meet you there?” Max asks. Then with a start, he realizes who’s standing with us. “Liz.” He nods once to acknowledge her but that’s it.
“Hey, Max. Long time no see.”
“Yeah,” he replies, dismissing her. “Anyway… so we’ll see you at the house?” he asks us. “They want some time alone as a family.”
Beau nods. “Works for us. Addy and I will take her car.”
Lizzy scrunches her eyebrows when Beau loops an arm behind my back and turns us to leave. “See ya, Lizzy.”
“Beau! Wait. Can we talk a quick second?”
He looks over his shoulder. “Can we do it another time? Kind of have a lot going on today.”
“Oh! Sure! Yeah. Sorry, I wasn’t thinking. But that would be great. Better, even! We can meet for coffee or dinner or… whatever. Here, give me your phone and we’ll exchange numbers.”
The Path To Us: A Single Parent Romance Page 6