by Blythe Stone
And Avery was really confusing me. Her moods and her politeness and her beauty. I was beginning to feel a little insane.
Since they announced the whole marriage thing my mind had been racing. I couldn't even read. I'd stayed up and listened to them and now I was awake again and just thinking about them again.
A knock came on my door and I shifted a little, moving up on the bed and clearing my throat.
“Come in,” I said, nervously.
We didn't get a chance to talk after everything. I really wasn't sure if I'd upset her or done something wrong.
Avery's head appeared around the door as she opened it and she looked me over, a faint smile fixed on her face. She swallowed and gave a little sigh.
“Just wanted to check on you and say that I made some breakfast if you're interested.”
“Oh,” I said, a little surprised. I clutched the cover to my body since I'd only worn my underwear last night. “Um. That, uh. That sounds great. I'll come right down.”
I probably sounded sleepy. The days had been long.
“Okay,” Avery said. She blushed and laughed, shaking her head. “Sorry if I disturbed you.”
“Oh no. You really didn't, I'm just… Thinking,” I shrugged, annoyed with myself.
“No rush, I'll leave you to get ready,” she said.
She disappeared and closed the door, leaving me alone.
I sat up and sighed before whining and pulling myself up out of bed.
“This is weird,” I whispered.
I walked to my stuff and pulled a pair of jeans out and a silky white button up.
I got dressed quickly, throwing my hair up in a messy bun and going down.
It seemed my days out here just had to be trudged through. At times, I felt safe and better than I had in months but then I'd have these moments like right now where I just felt stupid and unnecessary like I should just move to the wilderness and actually disappear.
I walked down the stairs, already smelling what Avery had made.
“Wow,” I said, not expecting her to have cooked for me. “You didn't have to do all this,” I felt guilty, like I sucked at being a friend.
“I felt like cooking and I wanted our first morning here to be special. I got up with Nat and made her something to go and then I got back in bed for a bit. I also wanted to apologize about last night. I feel so stupid that I got that worked up,” she babbled.
“I'm sure you had your reasons,” I said, not particularly understanding. “Sounded like you two were up really late. Did Nat even rest her eyes?”
I pulled a chair out at the table and sat across from her.
Staring into her eyes felt dangerous so I was trying not to do it as much.
“My reasons were just as flimsy as my behavior. I was hungry, frustrated, and Nat was messing with me. She knows she can get me to react and she likes to play. As for sleep, no, she didn't get more than fifteen minutes of rest. I reminded her that it was all her own doing before she left.”
“What does that mean,” I laughed nervously.
I knew what I heard but it was interesting to see this new side of Avery.
Before me was a bit of a healthy spread. I began to eat the eggs benedict she prepared.
“It means when she gets whiny about not getting any sleep she’ll remember why she didn't get any. If she gets me worked up she has to wind me back down. I don't think she's regretting it though” Avery smiled.
My cheeks burned and I wondered how I'd survive this full day with her.
“You're probably right.” I tried not to laugh.
There were similarities then. Their relationship and mine with Nat.
Somehow, that knowledge only made my stomach hurt.
“If you want something else I can make anything. The fridge is totally stocked now.”
“You went shopping without me,” I realized. “Right.” I let it sink in. “You should probably sleep a little more after this.”
“Na, I'll be fine. If I sleep now I won't sleep tonight and I'll miss Nat. I don't like being up when she's in bed if she's working. We don't get a lot of time when she's on set. It's still hard for me to sleep without her anyway.”
She finished the last bite of her breakfast and took the plate to the sink.
“I figured we could hang out and then go wine hunting. I want to get some good liquor for mixed drinks too. I got some things to mix with at the grocery store already.”
“I'm up for it,” I said. I'd be lying though if I said I wasn't a little bruised about certain things. Everything was always on Avery's terms. Who was I to her? What was she doing? What was this?
I ate slowly, taking my time.
I don't know why I was upset. It probably had everything to do with my own backwards jealousy. I had no one to blame but myself that Nat wouldn't even look at me.
When I finished my food, I sat a little while and drank my orange juice.
“Great. I need to change before we go anywhere. I'm a total mess.” Avery looked down at herself and then shrugged. “Oh!” Her head popped up and she found my eyes. “I always bring this really amazing coffee with me when we go away and I dug it out of my bag this morning because I saw they had a French press here so if you want some I'll make it,” she enthused.
I stood up and walked over to her. “Okay,” I said, not sure how to be. I loved coffee but I also wanted to be near her. Her energy tore me up inside. The more I was around her the more I began to really notice that. We had this frequency that buzzed, unless it was just me feeling it.
She stepped to the counter beside the fridge and grabbed a brown bag. She brought it back and opened the top.
“Smell,” she instructed.
Our faces were close as we both bent our heads to take in the scent of the coffee in the bag.
“I got it when we were in France,” she said.
“Mmm….”
It was currently everything.
My lips twitched with how close her lips were.
I remembered that very first day we met and the memory knocked my breath away.
I wanted a reason to talk to her then. I'd been watching her, seeing her all alone.
What the fuck is wrong with me…
I swallowed guiltily.
How could it even be possible that the only other person in the world I was really attracted to just so happened to be with the only ex who shook my very foundation and made me want to come back to her?
“It's so good and I only bring it out occasionally and I felt like having some with you today,” Avery said.
“You're sweet,” I said, touching my hands to her waist and staring at her.
I turned my back to the counter and leaned against it so I could be near her and watch her.
“Thanks,” she said, holding the coffee between us for a moment before she put it on the counter behind me. That brought her body even closer to mine.
“So… Last night,” I posed, trying to be calm about my current topic change. “Does that happen a lot?”
“No, just occasionally. I don't usually get that way. It takes a perfect storm. I think it's fun for Nat though.”
“Do you think she expects it?” I wondered. I used to get pretty crazy about stupid stuff when I was with Nat. Until now I always thought it was me, all me.
“Yes, I know she sees it coming and she likes to play when it happens. Someday I'll be able to dodge her bait,” Avery said.
“Hmm…” I thought about it as I watched her perfect hands quietly move. She’d cleaned out the French press and begun to measure out the beans with a measuring spoon. “I used to think I was a little crazy when she and I were dating. I dunno. I guess I am crazy though so that doesn’t really help to explain my thoughts about this right now. I would get mad,” I explained. “All the time. I just thought I was sensitive and jealous and... I dunno, insecure. Which I still am. I don’t know why I’m comparing these things. I probably shouldn’t. Sorry.”
I turned inward a little
to be closer to her.
“What do you think of the house?” I asked, wanting to change the subject again.
“She was probably winding you up sometimes. You're not crazy. You just maybe didn't see it for what it was then. Natalie is an addictive person. That naturally makes you feel a little crazy. Then when she's gone the withdrawal is soul sucking.” Avery spoke like she knew how I felt. I watched as she went to put the kettle on. She filled it with water and put it on the stove, which was already warming up.
“The house is great,” she commented.
My mind lingered on what she had said before.
Soul-sucking.
She had no idea…
“Great like: yay, this is perfect or great like: I guess this will do. We can search for another today if it’s not exactly what you would choose.”
After last night I was worried Avery might actually be talking a lot about me behind my back, about the things that I did that bothered her or the choices I made because I was me.
The conversation about money at the table had me kicking myself.
I’d met a lot of people like that, overly nice to get you to like them but then cutthroat behind your back, using your secrets to alienate you from everyone.
My old world was trying to pierce this space.
Maybe don’t trust her, my instincts said.
She came close and put her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye.
“Great in a: this is perfect and so are you for finding it so quickly. I'm much more comfortable here than in the hotel. I love the privacy and the scenery. The house is beautiful,” she finished.
“I’m um… Glad you like it,” I said, watching her. “I kept thinking about all the different places you could find to write. I love the deck myself. When the weather isn’t terrible I’ll want to read up there. Take meals up there. But that’s me,” I said, defensive.
“You can read and I'll write and we can hang without even talking much. That sounds like a dream to me,” she said, taking her hands away.
“What, not talking to me?” I teased.
She rolled her eyes and sighed.
“Yes, that's exactly what I meant,” she deadpanned.
“Glad I know how you really feel,” I smiled, wondering how annoying I really was. “I like your hair all messy,” I said, reaching out and touching it, feeling a lock in my fingers. What I really wanted to do was feel her skin but I held back.
“Thanks. It's ridiculous really. Anytime I sleep on it and it's remotely wet the waves get wild. I'm glad you like it though. I think your hair is prettier. I'm kind of jealous,” she admitted.
“You shouldn’t be,” I defended. “You’re beautiful.”
I wondered if I was being too weird. The thought pushed me to stop touching her and leave her alone.
She grabbed the kettle and poured the water into the press, putting the top back on and leaving it to sit.
“Um, thanks. People say things like that and I'm never sure if they mean it but I can tell that you do.”
“I wouldn’t say it otherwise,” I confirmed. “Have you already looked up places to check for wine. Do they have wineries up here? I don’t think I’ve ever thought to look.”
“I picked out a few stores from online. I figured if one wasn't good then we could try another.”
“I’m excited now,” I realized. I’d been excited before but my insecurities were getting the best of me.
“Me too, it feels like a treasure hunt more than shopping. I want to pick up one expensive bottle to celebrate with when filming for this movie is over. I feel like the stress of it has taken a lot out of Nat,” she worried.
“I hope not. She’s acting different though. With me at least,” I confided.
Our hands were close to each other’s on the counter. I stared down at our fingers, flexing mine. My mind wandered back to the moaning I’d heard in the wee-hours of the morning. They’ve both made up, leaving me to my own confusion.
“Different how?” Avery asked, certainly oblivious to how close our hands were.
“Just… Distant,” I said, pulling my fingers down from the counter and feeling the distance from everyone, even Avery.
I turned my back to the counter again and hugged my stomach loosely.
“Perhaps I’m dangerous,” I said, thinking it.
I wanted the coffee to be done so we could go do something and I could stop thinking about this.
“Dangerous because of feelings you might have for one another,” she asked.
“Dangerous because of feelings she has for me,” I confirmed. “I could hurt her again. By being less or more. And I don’t know what to do. I tried doing nothing but that didn’t exactly work for me.”
“I want to drive out to a hot spring,” I said, changing the subject. “Not today. You’re probably exhausted. But someday soon. Would you like to go with me?”
I didn’t want to think about how shitty I was or how I couldn’t have the person I decided to hurt. My eyes would well up and I’d cry again for the thousandth time. That’s not why I came.
“She'll come around. She's not good with that stuff. She's been a little different with me too. It's scary to think of losing someone for a second time. If I didn't know how she feels about me I’d be scared of you too. There has to be room for both. I won't lose her,” she said.
Avery wouldn't stop looking at me.
“There doesn’t have to be,” I said, reminding her. “I’m doing this. It’s all my fault.” I moved to touch her cheek with the backs of my fingers, feeling her emotions with the little that she shared, but then I thought better of it and stopped myself. “If anyone is going to get lost it’s going to be me so don’t worry. I’d rather run away right now than ruin anything else. Especially for you.” I'd been staring too. Too close.
I cleared my throat, realizing I was being weird again. For lack of a better thing to do I looked over at the coffee and hoped it was done.
19
(Avery)
We were really talking about it. I already knew it all but it hadn't hit me in the face like this. I wanted to go somewhere alone and crumble into a mess of sobs.
“It's not going to come to that,” I reasoned.
I turned away and pressed the plunger on the French press. The coffee grounds were moved to the bottom, separating them from the dark, oily, liquid.
“Cream? Sugar?” I asked.
“Um. Yeah,” she nodded, moving to get to the fridge before I could.
“Will you grab the almond milk please,” I said.
I was a little off center and it felt easy to fall off a cliff.
She brought back the cream and almond milk. The package of sugar that I picked up was in front of me.
“Are you glad you came?” I asked.
“In some ways,” she said. “I'm just not sure what else to do with myself at this point. My life makes no sense and I'm clawing at nothing. In a cycle of nonsense. I just realized I was doing everything wrong. Just ignoring my emails and my phone out here has been so different,” she rubbed at her temple, looking down at our mugs. “I probably haven't experienced anything like this since before college. And obviously it's different but…”
She looked up at me and shrugged, kinda sad.
“Again, it’s really hard to explain,” she found a way to awkwardly smile.
“Are you going to have issues back home because of it?”
“Oh. Well, yeah,” she laughed. “Of course. And I already have. Why do you think I've never done this?”
She cleared her throat and rocked on the heels of her bare feet.
“I run a company, Avery. A company determined to remain the new standard in groundbreaking ethical innovation. It's not like a vacation fits into any of that. Sure, I can go to other countries and pretend to be enjoying myself but I'm usually emailing people nonstop, taking meetings and calls, courting potential talent and new investors, spying on the competition, and counseling every one of my own em
ployees on how to properly do their own jobs. It's really not fun. The most relaxing I get is when I decide to actually take my weekends and consider them weekends. Stay at home. Watch some TV like some normal person. Or just read and drink wine. I mean, you know more than anyone, galas and company parties aren't actually time off. Everybody still wants something from you.”
“So, you're not happy with your job. Maybe you can quit or retire early,” I suggested.