by Blythe Stone
We got back into the car and she gave me the name.
The second store was smaller but their selection was great. When we left I knew she must be aware that I was an absolute lush. I talked too much about all the wineries I frequented in central California.
On the way home, I tried not to mention how much alcohol I actually drank when no one was watching me or how when she met me at the gala I’d been at my most normal- unfiltered- I was just really giddy and lame.
We unpacked and made polite conversation. It was enough to cheer me up from my recent dour state. Then Avery took herself away for a long bath and an overdue nap. I snuck up to the roof and took her book back up, the one filled with dirty secrets and fancy new things I could learn about her.
By the time she’d woken up and remembered about me, I’d been almost a full bottle of chardonnay in and certainly burning with my own secret desires for Nat and her. The white outdoor couch on the roof had been comfortable. I lit a fire in the pit and covered myself up with warm fuzzy blankets.
There was a fear that it might rain, since the clouds were persistent today, but I stayed up where I was. It was too great to have a secret place where no one could see or hear me or look at my face. This was such a departure from my constant work life. The covered hot tub off in the distance really tempted me, especially because I was cold. The book sucked me in so much that I actually stayed in one place, refusing to change or be distracted by heat settings or the hot tub cover.
I’d been studious instead, using a highlighter on Avery’s Old Hollywood book, dog-earing pages, even writing little notes and things into a separate journal I’d bought at that second secret store.
“Hey, what are you up to,” Avery asked.
She walked up and sat down near me.
“Oh,” I said, sitting up and fixing my clothes. “You're up,” I noticed. She’d surprised me. “I've just been reading. Debating the hot tub but too lazy to make the big move.”
I surveyed her, noticing she looked a little haggard now like the nap had just taken strength rather than lending it. She even had black circles under her eyes.
“Yeah, I thought I better get up and eat something,” she said.
“Aww,” I said, scooting close to her and looking. I moved my hand to her cheek and ran the bed of my finger tip under her eye. “You look beat,” I noted. “Did you not sleep well?”
I pushed her hair from her face, thinking about all the lotions I could use to help soothe her ailments.
“I didn't sleep much at all. My brain was too busy. I think I fell asleep a few times but it wasn't deep,” she admitted.
“I'm sorry,” I said. “Wish I'd known. I would've tried to help you. I like you enough that I'd read to you or rub some lotion on your back.”
She smiled a faint smile and ran her hands through her hair, pushing it back.
“You’re sweet,” she said and then she looked over at what I was reading. “Still liking the book?”
My face flushed red and I could feel the heat. “It's so good,” I laughed, unable to hide how much I enjoyed it. “You under sold yourself with me.”
“Maybe I was trying to lower your expectations so it would seem even better,” she teased.
Even though she was joking, she still looked worn down. She moved closer and leaned over and put her head in my lap.
“My head hurts,” she whined.
“Aww, sweetie,” I laughed a little, feeling bad about it. I moved my arm and started to rub her back a little and hold her head. “Should I get you some aspirin or something? I can.”
It made me sad that she wasn't feeling well. I thought of what Nat would do. How she would make it better. I was a poor substitute but I instantly felt her pain.
“Na, I took some before I came up here. I’m sorry I’m being pathetic,” she said with a deep sigh after she spoke.
“No,” I laughed, trying to get her to stop saying such things. “You're not.” I rubbed her back some more and tried to help.
“You're warm,” I said, feeling her. I tugged her shirt up a bit and put my hand to her skin, rubbing it slower. “I hope you don't have a fever.”
The contact was hitting me. Her skin was so soft and lovely.
“I dunno, I might. I feel really hot and gross, which means I should probably get away from you in case I’ve got something contagious.” Her tone was glum.
Despite saying it, she took a second before she started to lift herself up.
“Stay,” I urged, pushing her a little to keep her in my lap. “Please.”
I wasn't scared of getting sick. We could be sick together.
“Okay,” she said, easily giving in. “I need to stay away from Nat when she comes home though. She can’t get sick. Not with the movie.”
“It'll be okay,” I soothed. “What helps you when you're sick? Do you want me to make you some food?”
“I feel nauseous so I don’t really want to eat. I just want the headache to go away and to feel better. I usually drink soda water with lime in it when I feel like this.”
“Want me to make that for you,” I wondered. “Or would you rather just rest?” I wouldn't want to move her if she felt nauseous. “I can lay with you,” I said, remembering that first day when she did that for me.
“I don’t want you to leave,” she admitted.
Her body shook a little and she covered her face with her hand.
“Do you need a blanket,” I asked, petting her more generously now, trying to show her that I wouldn’t leave. I wouldn't go anywhere.
“Yeah,” she sniffed and wiped her face, removing her hand.
She was crying a little.
“Aw, sweetie,” I said, sad now that she felt so very unwell.
I moved the blanket over her and pulled her to cuddle up a little more. “Shhhh,” I tried. It was hard not to feel entirely affected. “It'll get better,” I said, hoping it would. “It'll get better. I promise.”
There wasn't much else I could do but I still tried, petting her back and humming a little, smoothing her hair.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m acting like this,” she said.
“Oh baby, don't be sorry,” I said, realizing I slipped in my words. I hadn't called anyone that in so very long. Luckily, Avery didn't know. My hands were shaking a little. I could blame it on the wind-chill but I knew it was something else. “I just want to help if I can.”
I leaned forward and held her close, hugging her a little and kissing her head. “If I'm making it worse just tell me,” I whispered.
“You’re making it better and that’s probably bad,” she muttered cryptically.
I leaned back a little, confused. I kept rubbing her back though, too sorry to stop.
“I’m a horrible person. You shouldn’t make me feel better,” she sighed.
“Avery,” I said, worried. “You're a lovely person, really lovely. Please don't say these things.”
What was she talking about? I wondered if maybe she took pills. A lot of people did nowadays. That'd been true in high school and it only got worse as I got older. Pills led to needing other pills and without them a person could be in such a sorry confused state.
“Please,” I whispered, close now to crying too. I didn't like to think that she thought herself even capable of being bad.
“Sorry,” she said, biting her lip.
She sniffed again and I felt her swallow. She wiped her face again and became still.
“I should probably get some tissue and something to drink. I hate when I randomly cry,” she commented.
“Why would you say that you're horrible…” I wondered. Were there secrets she wasn't telling me? I was sad and afraid. I didn't want to not like her so much. It made me happy to like her.
“Because… Because… I don’t want to tell you because it’ll ruin everything. You’ll probably hate me and I don’t know what Nat will say,” she babbled.
“I don't think I could ever hate you,” I said. “My intuitio
n says otherwise.”
I rubbed her skin and wondered.
“What would you like me to do,” I decided to ask. If she didn't want me touching her I should probably stop. But she felt so good and I wanted so much to know her. “I'm a little drunk,” I said, realizing it. “You've made me kind of emotional,” I laughed. “And your book is like heaven. I've been glued to it all day. And now this… Tell me what you'd like. Please tell me.”
The breeze was very nice and I shook a little from my own nervousness and from the cold.
“I don't like to think I'm somehow hurting you.” That thought tore me up. “I keep thinking I'm making things worse here but then I think- it's all in my head… So what's true?”
“It’s me. It’s not you. When I was upstairs, lying awake, I kept going over how I wanted to kiss you all day. That’s what makes me terrible,” she groaned.
“Oh,” I said, thinking about it. A kiss... “Is that true,” I asked, unsure of how to absorb it. Why would she want…
I cut my thoughts off and tried to be better.
I wanted to kiss her too. I’ve wanted to kiss her for weeks.
“Yes, it’s true. I wouldn’t lie about that. I need to tell Nat. She’s got a right to know that I’m thinking those things and you, you just tried to come here and be friends with us and I’ve ruined it. I’m sorry,” Avery said.
“Fuck,” I said, instantly scared. “I didn't mean… I'm sorry,” I said, knowing I ruined everything. “I.. I'm not innocent Avery. I shouldn't have come.”
I was the one who swallowed hard now. I thought that all this had been harmless flirtation.
Of course I wanted more. But I also knew I couldn't have it.
“It’s not your fault. You don’t have to be upset. Please, don’t be upset. I’m the one vomiting my feelings all over you and admitting that I’ve got some kind of crush.”
She sat up and looked at me.
“You don’t have to worry about it. I’ll stop. I won’t let it get in the way,” she said.
“Avery,” I laughed awkwardly. “It’s. It's not just you,” I said, wanting her to know it wasn't some one-sided thing. “I. I just thought… I thought you both were really in love.”
What on earth…
“We are. I love her more than I love anything or anyone else. I know we’ll be together forever. That hasn’t changed,” she implored leaning forward. “You mean, you really felt the same way.”
She leaned back again and frowned.
“I shouldn’t ask that,” she said.
“You've been driving me crazy,” I said, nervous now. I never actually thought I could act on anything.
“Last night,” I said, almost choking on it. “I haven't felt that lonely in such a long time. And I'm always lonely.”
“I’m sorry. I honestly didn’t mean to do anything. I felt like we were just getting along and maybe being a little flirty like friends but then I kept thinking about it and I realized what was happening,” she admitted.
“I'm sorry,” I said again, more burdened than I'd ever been. Of all the things I thought when I came out here, last on my mind was the possibility that I could actually make things worse. “If you want me to go, I'll do it,” I said, sick now too. “You wanted to get married. You want to marry the most wonderful person. I know you do.”
“You don’t have to go. I like you here. I just need to be better. I think saying it out loud will make it okay. Unless… You want to go or feel like you need to go,” Avery said.
“If I leave, you won't have to doubt yourself,” I realized.
“That’s not fair. Don’t leave because of me. Stay. I’ll talk to Natalie tonight and the air will be clear. It’ll all be fine,” she said.
“I'm still sorry,” I said. “I want to kiss you too and that has to be half of the problem.”
“Well, technically I did kiss you once but on accident,” she reminded me.
“That didn't count,” I smiled. “You were unconscious and I wasn’t awake. I'd rather you know what you're doing and actually want to do it. Being an accident or a burden isn’t fun.”
“You’re not a burden. Knowing Nat, she’d make us kiss and get it over with,” she laughed.
“I don't know,” I said. “Do you think it'd be that easy for you?”
It was sad to think that's all it would take to get over me.
Realistically though, I tried not to show how sad that comment of hers made me feel.
“You know you love her,” I said. “There's really no point.”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure what this is or where the feelings came from.”
“It's probably nothing,” I said sadly.
I'd come up here and messed things up and I should certainly leave.
“I don’t think that’s true, if I’m honest. You’re the only person in all the time I’ve been with Nat that’s ever made me have feelings,” she admitted.
“Probably our bad luck,” I joked.
“Oh yeah, that has to be it but at least it’s not unrequited?”
“Not funny,” I said, feeling sad.
“Sorry,” she said.
“I wish I knew how to fix things instead of making them worse. I'm always doing the worst.”
“You’re not. Stop that, you’re not doing anything wrong or bad,” she told me.
“I didn't think I could harm things here,” I confessed.
While we were talking, it hurt to let myself feel how much it was true that I wanted to touch her, especially now that I knew she wanted it too.
My hands were clammy because I'd been allowing myself to feel her skin. I rubbed my palms onto my thighs to try and erase the truth.
“I touch other people and feel nothing,” I said. “Other people touch me. Nothing still.”
I understand.
I've spent years trying to figure out what I want, only to realize I had it once and let it go.
What right have I to claim to love anyone? I've no strength for it, no buoyancy. All I do is hurt the people who love me.
“You have to stop thinking like that. This isn't you ruining things. Just don't do anything until I talk to Nat, okay?” She asked.
“Okay,” I said, worried. Nat was already upset with me. I'd given her the space and time to actually treat me this way and it was healthier than what I'd been doing to her for years. Adding this ontop would just ruin what I finally obtained courage to build.
“It's gonna be okay,” Avery said, reaching for me and giving me a hug.
I crumbled into her, easily accepting her affection right now. Tomorrow I could be back to my old life, struggling to find meaning anywhere, buried in bullshit and needing to cry.
Hopefully I could stay...
I tucked my chin in closer to her neck, wanting to keep this moment for when I was really alone again. Avery's body against mine felt more than right, it made my skin clammy, confused me, but I felt her in ways I only ever remember feeling Natalie. The strength of it was so potent and obvious to me. Should her hands smooth in past my sides my whole body would tremble with wanting for her.
21
(Avery)
I waited in the driveway for the car to arrive. There was a bench to the side under a big tree. It was lovely out, even if I was conflicted I could appreciate that. The moon was out and that bright reflection revealed shadowed details that I’d never be able to make out without it.
Tonight, I’d told the truth once and I would do it again.
The rumble of a car reached my ears and I knew that she was here. I listened to the engine as it came up the drive and when the car came into view I watched the tires roll to a stop close to the door.
The back door opened and Nat put one leg out, the rest of her body followed. She was stunning, even now when I could tell by the sag of her shoulders that she was tired. I hated adding to it but I needed to tell her.
The car pulled away from the house and turned around, disappearing back down the drive. She turned to go
inside.
“Nat,” I said.
“Hey,” she said, noticing me now. “What're you doing out here,” she smiled.
“It’s nice out and I wanted to catch you before you went in,” I said, approaching her. “Will, you come sit with me. I want to talk to you about something.”
I put my hand on her arm and pointed toward the bench with a finger of the other.
“Um. Okay,” she laughed, thinking I was being weird.