by Blythe Stone
That, I kept from her only because it was my unborn child, not ready to breathe on its own. Unlike my work written for publishing, this was personal. I couldn’t imagine sending it into the world without the labor of many rewrites and headaches.
I worked on it now like it would breathe some life back into my tired mind. I had no idea what was going on elsewhere in the house but the little interlude that Nat and I indulged in earlier left me feeling sleepy but still hungry for something I couldn’t name.
It might never become real. Our relationship had changed, grown and ebbed. Olivia made it full and yet there was still the establishment of our individual connections to ponder. Would this last forever?
I rested my head on the desk, pushing aside my keyboard to make room. I needed rest but I had no intention of going back downstairs. Here, my mind could rest easier. I slept, even in this odd position, until I felt a hand gently shake my shoulder.
I lifted my head and looked up with bleary eyes.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hi.” It was Olivia checking on me. “You okay baby?”
Her hand rubbed down my back.
“Yeah, I just got tired.” I looked around. “What time is it?” I asked.
Her touch soothed me but the ache in my shoulders and head left me reeling.
“A little late,” she whispered. “Two-ish.”
“Oh, okay,” I leaned back and pressed two fingers to my temple. “I probably shouldn't have taken a nap here.”
“I can get you some aspirin if you want,” Olivia said.
Her hands weren't on me anymore. She was giving me space. She leaned her body on the desk and hugged her arms while she stared down on me.
“No,” I turned around.
I reached out for her arms and pulled them open gently.
“I'll feel better if you rub here,” I said, planting her fingers on my temples on either side.
She caught on quickly but was gentle when she rubbed. “How’s that,” she wondered, standing close and breathing softly. “You smell really good,” she whispered. “It’s all I can think.”
“It's perfect and I'm wearing that perfume you like,” I said.
I'd been thinking of her all day so when I got dressed I made sure to pick the scent she always commented on. I knew she meant more than that but that shared bit of something trivial, like perfume, was reassuring.
“You always smell good,” she said, pressing in close against my body and resting her hands on my chest.
“I want to smell good for you. I want to do a lot of things for you. You know that, right?” I asked.
“Little bit,” she confessed. “Maybe you should tell me about it though,” she urged. “What is it you want to do.”
“To make you feel loved and wanted. I want to turn you on and make you unable to control yourself. Mostly, I want to make you happy,” I said.
I put my hands on hers, just a light touch to feel her.
“You do all those things,” she said.
“I do?” I looked up at her and felt my mask fall away. I felt weak for her and for everything that could be between all of us.
“You really really do,” she said nervously.
I let out a breath and relaxed, leaning forward to put my head on her chest.
“Do you love us differently?” I asked.
Her hands sunk into my hair and held my head against her body. I heard her breathe and lean her head back as she thought. “I have to,” she said. “You're newer for me. New means intense. A different intense. Different than everything else. What makes you ask that?”
“It was just something I was musing over earlier. Nat and I are very different people. I just wondered what things in each of us attract you that are different. I know you've loved her for a long time. That kind of love is all-consuming. It just seems like it might be more… Something,” I struggled to finish.
“More what,” she asked, wanting an answer. “Wh-what are you saying? Are… Are you doubting me,” she asked, moving away from me and getting bummed out.
She looked down at her hands and then over at the doorway, breathing deeply and gathering herself.
“No, I'm not doubting you. I'm trying to understand why you chose me and Nat. What different things we bring and how we all complement one another,” I said.
It stung that she just turned away but I tried not to show it. I'd tried to reveal myself and I was afraid I just ruined things.
“Um. It's um,” she sniffed. “It's late. We should probably sleep. I have to take Farrow to the airport in the morning.”
She started to move toward the door to leave.
“Olivia, wait.” I got up and walked after her. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I promise I don't doubt you,” I said.
“You're allowed to doubt me, Avery,” she said sadly. Her gaze found mine and she looked inside me, past everything. It was a grave yet trusting stare. Like she knew she was on a precipice and any ill-wind could blow her right off.
“I don't doubt you. I'm not even sure why I started talking about that stuff. Maybe I just want to know how we work,” I tried.
“Are we not working,” Olivia asked. “We are all very different people. I think you chose me.”
“I have. I did but in a way it feels like fate. Like we wouldn't be able to help it,” I continued.
“Something pulled me here,” she said. “And ever since I came I've known I can't leave. That I don't want to. That I want to be here with you both. Possibly forever. And that probably sounds stupid, like some naive exaggeration but I've never felt anything like this before. Not when it comes to sex or love. Or my life. In any way. I'm usually working toward some goal. I've never just lived like this. I've never wanted to. Does that make any sense?”
“It does. It makes a lot of sense. I didn't know it was really possible to love two different people like this. It's just big. That's why I am trying to wrap my head around it,” I explained.
I wanted to touch her again but she had walked away. I didn't want to press forward on her again.
“Are you really traditional,” she asked.
“No, I'm far from it in many ways. Nat and I met when I was really young. I thought she was it for me,” I said.
“In a way, I'm sorry I've complicated so many things.”
“You always apologize for things that you alone haven't done. This isn't just you. We are all in this. We made choices and I don't regret them at all,” I argued.
“I’d hope not,” she said. “But I can’t exactly know now can I?”
“Come here, please,” I said, getting up to walk a bit closer.
She stopped a second and then turned back toward me hesitantly.
“Are you mad?” I asked.
It was still hard for me to read her sometimes.
“What? Baby, no,” she said, worried. “I'm just confused. I'm worried I've messed things up for you. That you might want things to go back to the way that they were without me here.”
“No! I don't want that. It's the last thing I want. I'd be so sad,” I said.
I took a few steps and pulled her into my arms, hugging her tight.
“Please, stay,” I begged.
“I really want to Avery. Farrow just agreed to hire a few people for me- to take over for me- since I'm not ready to go back. That's the only reason he’s here.”
She was calm but definitely melancholy. And when she spoke it was soft and her voice shook. Fragility made up her overall presence. So strong yet somehow shattering as she stood.
“What's wrong?” I asked.
She worried me when I saw this.
“I don't like that you don't feel how much I care for you,” she explained. “It hurts me.”
“I'm sorry. It's not like that. I get insecure is all, not exactly something I'm proud of but it's there,” I said.
“But - you're doubting me,” she said openly.
“I'm not doubting you. I said something off-hand because I felt
bad, had a headache, and am scared of losing you,” I tried to explain.
She wasn't going to hear me. I closed my eyes and sighed.
“Do you really think that I could just fall in love with whoever Nat was seeing? Like it doesn't matter that it’s you?”
“That's not at all what I said or meant. I was only thinking about how you love us differently,” I said.
Olivia stayed quiet too long before speaking.
“Okay look… If- there's- something wrong with me. If- If, I'm not... Loving you- right, or enough, I need you to just tell me,” she said. A few tears slid down her cheeks, surprising me. “I’m- I'm really sorry. I'm not good at knowing what I'm doing wrong. I realize too late.”
I got close to her then and hugged her, my hand on the back of her head.
“Oh, baby, that’s not what I mean at all. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re wonderful. This is just me processing how someone like you and like Nat can love me all over again. This is my fault. Do not think for a second that anything is wrong with you or how you love,” I said.
Olivia kept quiet but she clung onto me loosely, accepting my affection.
“I can't help but think that,” she whispered while resting on me.
“Can I do anything? I don’t want you to think that there’s something wrong with you,” I requested.
“I just don't want you to lie to me,” she said. “I'm obviously doing something wrong.”
“I’m not lying to you! Why… Olivia. Why would I lie to you?”
Anger and hurt replaced the pleading feeling of sick anxiety. I backed up and looked her in the eye. There was a line and that’s where it lay. Saying I was lying, it turned me inside out.
“Maybe I’m not the one doubting things. You should think about that,” I said, and turned away, walking to my desk and sitting down.
“Fine,” she said, as calmly as she could, before walking away.
I let her go. There would be no productive conversation like this. Our first fight, maybe not a fight so much as a mutual misunderstanding. I put my head in my hands, rubbing my forehead and trying not to hang on to that angry feeling.
How could she not see? Was it me being obtuse or did this really just come down to a basic piece of communication that was missing?
There was nothing to do about it now so I got up again and left. I went down the stairs and out the front door into the world. Out here I might be able to think. There was a patch of grass in the middle of some trees that I had found when we first came here.
That was where I went. They could find me if they needed to but I’d be alone, and have room for all this baggage, to rest without pressure. I walked the distance to the trees and slipped past the sprawling oak closest to the middle. When I lay down I could see its branches overhead.
They made skeletal arms reaching for something intangible, tangles and leaves looking down on me. This was comfort. Feeling the Earth around me, and energy from ineffable sources, went a long way to calm me. Still, a knot formed inside of me. Every negative emotion activated by that conversation balled into granulated point of contention waiting to rot healthy tissue surrounding it.
I didn’t go back inside. I just lay there, sleeping and waking in shifts as the sun rose. The purple sky turned pink and then yellow shot through as the sun peeked over the trees. I stared up at the subtle drama and protected myself from the ugly hours before.
Sometime, a little later, Nat found me and without a word came to drape a jacket around my shoulders and sit by my side. I felt her being quiet but it was still a few minutes before I turned my head to look at her.
She turned her head at the same time and we spoke no words, just gentle information flowing in the atmosphere between us. We didn’t need to talk anymore. She put an arm around me and leaned into my body. I had my arms circled around my knees, which were pulled up to my chest.
I looked back at the sky and then felt her lips on my cheek. I bit my cheek to keep the knot in place and stood my ground. I would not give up this idling state until feeling didn’t hurt.
“Are you okay?”
I shrugged and felt her body move when mine did.
“I always am,” I replied.
I finally looked at her again.
“Did she say something?” I asked.
“Just that you were probably out here…”
“Ah, well, she was right about that at least,” I said.
Nat rolled onto her side and played with my hair. “What happened,” she asked.
“We had a misunderstanding,” I said.
“Neither of you came back last night. Olivia slept on the roof. Did something happen with Farrow?”
“No, nothing like that. I just asked her a question and she thought I was doubting everything she felt, which I wasn’t. I just wanted to know how it was different, what she feels for you and what she feels for me,” I explained.
I didn’t want her to tell me I was wrong. I was fed up with being wrong.
“I wonder what the answer is,” Nat said. “Olivia has to feel for us differently but you know that love is mysterious and almost unexplainable. She can't explain her feelings for me but I've seen the way she looks at you, talks to you. It is different. She’s softer with you. It's actually really fucking sweet and it makes me jealous.”
“What do you mean? Softer?” I asked.
Of course, Nat would have been the one to ask about all of this.
“She's careful with you. She doesn't know you yet,” Nat explained.
“I know she doesn’t. She actually said I was lying,” I said.
Nat knew me. She would never think that about me, not even at the beginning.
“Uh-oh,” Nat laughed. “So that's why you're all… Out here,” she smiled.
“Yeah, I felt claustrophobic,” I said.
I clenched my jaw remembering the look on Olivia’s face as she accused me of lying about our relationship.
“You know what a big thing that is for me,” I said.
“I do,” Nat concurred.
“Anyway, that’s what happened,” I said.
“Well, I'm sorry that happened,” Nat said. “Olivia’s not the best with her words and- I think Farrow’s presence put her on the defensive with everyone. It doesn't really surprise me that either of you chose to sleep alone last night. But it does make me sad. Neither of you felt comfortable enough to come to me. What did she say you were lying about? What brought that on?”
“It wasn’t that I didn’t want to come to you. I just didn’t want to be inside. I couldn’t breathe and I had a horrible headache from falling asleep at my desk. I think she meant that I was lying about trusting in her feelings or something. It was all a bit confusing,” I admitted.
“Hmm…”
“What? What are you thinking?” I asked.
I suddenly wanted to be close to her, lying in bed naked and feeling her love all over me. I was missing her and she was right here with me.
“It's just interesting.”
“Can you expand on that?” I asked.
“You're a little similar. I don't think I've noticed before.”
“What do you mean?”
I was starting to wonder where she was going with this. A little uneasy and definitely hanging on every word.
“Well look what happened,” she said. “There was some sort of disagreement and you both disappeared to sulk in separate corners of the yard. And not just from each other. From everyone else. It's actually kinda cute,” Nat laughed and sat up. “How did I never notice this before?” She played with her hair and leaned to look down on me.
“I don’t usually sulk with you. We just have sex or talk.” I shrugged. “We work it out. She wasn’t listening to me at all.”
“Okay,” Nat said, leaning back on her hands. “But you think of me differently too, don't you?”
“I wasn’t saying it’s a bad thing. I just wanted to know how it was different. I wasn’t even trying to imply anything. S
he got offended right off the bat and there was nothing I could say after that. I’m sure I fucked up somehow. I just don’t get it,” I said.