by Blythe Stone
“You’d have to ask her about it,” Nat said.
“I tried and here we are. It doesn’t even matter. It’s not important. I just can’t believe she called me a liar,” I said.
Nat was quiet after that.
“Do you think it’ll blow over?” I asked.
“You're both pretty intense so probably not.”
“True. Maybe it’s because we’re both writers. All three of us have an intense creativity but yours is more social. I think we both get inside our own heads a lot,” I said.
“Um,” Nat laughed. “I don't know if I ever told you this but Olivia’s not exactly easy.”
“Am I?” I asked.
“No,” Nat laughed. “But Olivia’s definitely more confusing.”
“So, what else is different and why am I not easy? I mean, I know I can get weird sometimes and you don’t like that I think you’re perfect but…”
“Hey,” she laughed, worried. “Your not being easy is definitely part of why you're perfect. Don't mistake my words please.”
I laughed, a little choked but still a laugh and bumped her shoulder.
“I know you didn’t mean it as a bad thing but I still want to know,” I said.
“Avery. You're both very very different. I was kidding before. And what do you think is wrong with you? You're too helpful,” she laughed. “To a fault. And definitely sensitive,” she smiled proudly. “And you get upset over little things that shouldn't matter as much as they do. Like my boss being a shithead. Which is also kinda hot so I can’t even get mad at you.”
I scoffed. “He was being more than a shithead. He was being verbally abusive. He had been for the entire production. Pretty sure your contract prohibits that,” I said.
She was always letting things go, with that ass, that she shouldn't in my opinion. He was too hard to work with.
“Oh yes. Let us try to sue him. That is surely the way in which us gals win,” Nat teased. “It's a man’s world, baby. I sure wish it wasn't but it is. And no, I do not have to work with such assholes but that’s my choice, baby. For our life.”
“That should change. It’s pissing me off and I couldn’t watch it anymore on that set. Attacking you is attacking me,” I sighed.
“So what then, I just shouldn't do what I want? The projects I want? The path that's a sure thing?”
“Of course you should do it. You should do whatever you want but I’m not going to just sit quietly while someone is an entitled dick in front of me,” I said, reclaiming some of that anger at the director.
“Baby, I'm not asking you to. You asked if you were easy. That's all this is.”
“Do you wish it was different?” I asked.
“I want you more than I want that,” she said. “I wish things made sense but I don't think that they can.”
“So, you wish I was different?” I asked, quietly.
“Um. No. What the fuck? I wish we didn't have to traverse a man’s world to get what we fucking wanted. It's not your fault that my path directly involves constant confrontation with men. You've been unlucky in that. Which is more my fault than anyone's.”
“Oh… S-sorry. I’m just confused right now,” I said.
“What's going on with you baby,” Nat asked, really worried now.
“I don’t know. I haven’t figured it out yet,” I admitted.
Why after five years would this come up? I shook my head and shrugged.
“I’m just sorry. I don’t want to worry you. There’s nothing to worry about. I think I just need to get back to normal,” I said.
“What does that mean,” Natalie asked, scared. “Do you need me to ask her to go?”
“No! Not at all. I’d be super sad,” I insisted.
“It feels like you're looking for problems,” Nat said carefully.
“Okay, then I won’t do that anymore,” I said, nodding.
“Baby…”
“It’s fine. I swear. I hear you and I’m just going to calm down and try to stop making problems,” I decided.
“You're really scaring me,” she said. “I love you, Avery. More than anything or anyone. And nothing is going to change that for me. And if you need me to do things differently with Olivia or with my job we can talk about it together. And I'm sorry if I've hurt you somehow.”
Nat got up. She walked a few steps toward the house and turned back but then turned away again and kept on walking.
That made me get up. I ran after her and when I caught up I put my arm through hers.
“You’ve been perfect, Nat. I don’t want you to do anything different. That isn’t what I want or need. I just need to stop being dense about this and let people love me without wondering why,” I explained.
“I love everything about you,” Nat said. “Don't you see? Even the things that are negative, I see why you do them. I understand.”
“You’re too good to me,” I said, smiling. “I love you so much and I love our lives.”
If I was scaring Nat then I was doing something wrong. Maybe it was all me. I’d messed up. Being happy was hard sometimes.
“I don't have to work with him again,” she decided. “I thought you understood why I was doing it, why I wanted it. He was always secondary, a way to a goal. But if it's too much, I can just stop. The business I'm in, it’s never been fairytales, it’s been gritty. But maybe I'm at a place now where that can change. I don't know,” she said, saddened. “This whole time, I really thought you understood.”
I'd made tears form in her eyes and hover there.
“Shit. Baby, I’m an asshole. I’m sorry. Never, ever, change your career for me. I just need to deal with my anger. I get where you’re coming from. I just wish it didn’t have to be that way for you,” I said.
We were almost at the house and I stopped, pulling on her arm to see if she would stand with me for a moment.
“I’m sorry I made you sad,” I apologized.
“Hey. Ya know. It’s fine. I'd rather know than not know.” Tears were now flowing out of her eyes intermittently but she was pretending to be strong.
“Nat, please… I swear. Please, baby… don’t cry,” I said, hugging her.
I was total crap. I’d messed up with both people I was in love with in one night.
“It’s okay,” she whispered. “I probably just need to sleep a little more. I’m emotional. I still haven't recovered. I think I should go back to bed. I just got scared when I woke up alone.”
“Can I go with you or do you need space?” I asked.
“I'd love if you came,” Nat said. “But if you're not ready to come in that's okay too.”
“I'm ready and I want to be with you,” I answered her.
“Okay, well. Come on,” she said, taking my hand.
She took me inside and we went up to bed, settling in together like we had so many times before.
Whatever had gotten into me, it was something I hadn't felt in a long time. A nagging insecurity that made me question my purpose. Maybe I wasn't just made to help Nat through life.
38
(Olivia)
The night had been long. I couldn't sleep and I cried on the rooftop alone wondering what the hell I should do.
Nat and Avery were practically married. If I had a fight with one of them I couldn't go to the other to cry or ask for help, it wouldn't be right.
I laid on the roof until the sun became too strong to ignore. Then I went down and got ready to take Farrow to the airport for his final goodbye.
As I was leaving, my stomach hurt and I wished for some clarity. Avery had basically picked a fight with me then accused me of not knowing what I felt, or communicated or wanted, and it really hurt me inside. I was doing everything to prove to them both that I wanted them but somehow that message was still getting lost.
This whole trip I'd been knowing that I could easily just not try and run back home. That knowledge pushed me to see it through, really see if this could work if I could be happy somehow.
In t
he wee hours Nat had asked me where Avery went and I told her she was probably outside. When she asked if we fought I just said Avery really upset me and I didn't feel right seeking comfort with her in her bed.
“When’s Farrow’s flight?”
“10:30.”
“Are you coming right back?”
“I don’t know…”
“Don't disappear,” Nat asked. “I know it's tempting but it also scares me. If you're gonna go off you have to call me, please.”
“Okay…”
“Promise?”
“I promise,” I said.
She leaned down and kissed my forehead. “I love you,” she whispered.
“Love you too,” I quietly said.
I hated keeping secrets from her. But Avery and Natalie both had something strong and I didn’t want to screw their lives up to make mine better. They shouldn’t have to make that trade.
“You seem down.”
“I couldn't sleep,” I explained.
“You can always change your mind and come back,” Farrow hoped.
“No, it's not that,” I smiled. “But maybe someday. I do have a beautiful house.”
“Hey, you know you can call me right? If you need advice or just want to talk? It doesn't have to be about work things.”
“I know,” I smiled over at him. He was prying now and it was painful but I knew he meant well.
“Alright. I’m just making sure.”
I decided not to open up to him this time. Whatever was happening with Avery it was something that only she could amend or fix.
Telling Farrow that his presence made her insecure was not going to reverse or help anything that had happened in the past day.
I drove him to the airport and got out and hugged him before driving back to my temporary home.
My main impulse was to stay out for as long as I could, find a cafe or a movie to see. The thought of facing Avery was actually really scary for me. She was openly second-guessing me after I jumped through hoops to show her that I wasn’t confused about us.
I got home and they were not in the kitchen. I snuck up to my room and shut the door, laying back down on the bed and feeling othered some more.
If Avery actually wanted me around she had a super shit way of showing it. Time got away from me. I slept a long while and only woke up to the feeling of being shook by Nat’s hand.
“Baby?”
“Hm?” I let her turn me onto my back. My eyes drifted open and I stared up at her.
“It's already getting dark again,” Nat said.
“Is it?” I asked, just staring at her.
“Mhmm,” she hugged herself and shook her head. “Are you okay?”
I shrugged and just let myself see her.
After a few moments she smiled. “You're staring,” she said.
“I have a great view…”
She smiled more and crawled ontop of me. “Why are you so crazy,” she asked.
“I dunno. I can't help it,” I spoke honestly.
I adjusted my body beneath hers and she stared down at me close and pushed my hair back from my face.
“You're so sexy when you're all mopey.”
“One person’s opinion,” I teased.
“I thought I was the most important person.”
“You are,” I confirmed.
“You wanna talk about what has you asleep in the middle of the day?”
She was petting me now, stroking my cheek with her perfect fingers.
“Just don't want to mess things up for you,” I reminded.
“If things are complicated it's because they're meant to be.”
“I don't believe that,” I explained.
“Yea well… It's not your job to worry about what other people do.”
“Why is she testing me,” I asked. This whole time I’d been trying to hide my own hurt but I knew Nat could see it.
“I really don't know,” Nat confessed. “But she's testing me too.”
I sighed. “Fuck…” I pulled a pillow ontop of my face and groaned loudly into it. Nat laughed and pulled the pillow off.
“It's not your fault,” Nat smiled, amused by my stress.
“It is though. It's the domino effect.”
“Stop with your science. Will you please come down and eat something?”
“I should go to the store,” I said. “Get some fresh groceries.”
“Can I come with you?”
“Of course. I'd love that.”
“Okay good. Get up,” she said, checking me sexily. I felt her lips on mine. My eyes rolled back into my head as she kissed me. I whined a little, unable to help it. Even if I was sad, knowing she was still interested in kissing me made me feel great inside. When she moved to get up I tugged on her clothes to keep her against me.
“Mm. Okay, you'll not get fed that way,” she breathed.
“Food’s overrated,” I reminded, tugging her down and straining my neck up to reach her again.
Nat pushed atop me further, kissing me harder and stealing my hands away with her own.
She let me kiss her a little while but then she pushed my hands down on the bed above my head and sat up to keep me away from reaching her face.
“I need you to eat,” she decided.
She got up off of me and walked to the door. “Come on,” she nodded. “I'll drive.”
“Okay,” I gave in. “I grabbed a sweater out of my suitcase and found my purse.
As I joined her again she kissed me slowly.
“Keep it up Holbrook,” Nat said.
She took my hand in hers and lead me down the stairs.
As we got down to the main floor I became keenly aware of the fact that Avery was in the main living room. Her blonde hair could be seen peeking up over the couch and she was laying back with her head on the armrest, eyes fixed on her laptop screen.
“Hey baby,” Nat said, her voice arching upwards, she was about to ask her a question.
Avery pulled her earbuds out and lifted her head.
“You talking to me?” She asked.
“Yeah baby,” Nat laughed to herself. “We’re gonna go to the store. You wanna come?”
She looked back at her computer and then back to Nat.
“Sure, I just need to shut this down and find my sandals.”
I waited, feeling awkward about everything.
“It’s fine,” Nat mouthed to me, shaking my hand.
I scratched the back of my ear. Together, we waited.
Avery closed her laptop and ran upstairs, carrying her sandals in her hand on her way back down. When she reached the foyer she threw them in front of her and put them on.
Then she smoothed out her shorts and took a breath. “Okay, ready,” she announced.
I smiled a little, hiding my pleasure in seeing her be weird. It was nice to know whatever happened last night it wasn’t some be-all end-all. But I couldn't forget that she actually attacked me a little, out of nowhere and in a way that made little sense.
“I told Livia I’d drive,” Nat said. They both exchanged glances. I, instead, rushed to look down at my hands.
“I can drive if you want,” I reminded.
“Uh-uh, no way,” Nat said. “You haven't eaten at all today and you can't exactly be in your right mind.”
“I'm fine,” I urged.
“Well, let me take care of you anyway please.”
“Okay,” I said, knowing full well that I loved it when she pampered me.
“Or I could drive,” Avery said.
“Come on,” Nat smiled at her. “I’m gonna drive.”
They were really cute. It hurt a little.
“You're the boss,” Avery said, smiling.
I followed them out, taking the back seat when we got to the car.
It wasn't too awkward. Nat and Avery talked a little as we made our way out to the store. The light was fading into nonexistence. Almost all of the shadows were just darkness now.
When we got in the par
king lot I tried to straggle behind but Nat came and slipped her hand into mine, forcing me to join and be fully with them.