On Love
Page 10
it was the bats of hell
whirling about the
room.
it was the clearance
of crap from the
slashed
psyche.
night after night after
night, I
filled, I flew, I was doused
in a special
wonderment.
that was decades ago
and he is still
alive, and
I.
he made a place when
there was no
place.
a place to go when all
was closing in,
strangling, crushing,
debilitating,
when there was no
voice, no sound,
no sense,
he lent the easy
saving
natural
grace.
I feel that I owe him
one,
I feel that I owe him
many.
but I can hear him
now, that same
voice
as when he sat
so huge
in that same
chair:
“Nothing is owed,
Bukowski.”
you’re finally wrong,
this time,
John Thomas, you
bastard.
the bluebird
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see
you.
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he’s
in there.
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say, I know that you’re there,
so don’t be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he’s singing a little
in there, I haven’t quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it’s nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don’t
weep, do
you?
the dressmaker
my first wife made her own dresses,
which I thought was nice.
I’d often see her sitting over her
sewing machine
putting together a new dress.
we were both working and I thought
it was great that she found the time
to put together her
wardrobe.
then one evening I came home and
she was crying.
she told me that some guy at work
had told her that she had bad
taste in her wearing
apparel,
said she looked
“tacky.”
“do you think I dress tacky?”
she asked.
“of course not.
who is this guy?
I’ll beat hell out of him!”
“you can’t, he’s a homosexual.”
“god damn it!”
she cried some more that
evening.
I tried to reassure her and she
finally stopped.
but after that, she purchased
her dresses.
they didn’t look nearly as well
but she told me that the fellow
had praised her on her new
taste.
well, as long as she stopped
crying.
then one day she asked me, “which do
you like me best in, the old dresses or
the new ones?”
“you look good either way,”
I answered.
“no, but which do you prefer?
the old dresses or the new ones?”
“the old ones,” I told her.
then she began crying again.
there were similar problems with other
parts of our
marriage.
when she divorced me she was still
wearing store-purchased
dresses.
but she took the sewing machine
with her
and a suitcase full of the old
dresses.
confessions
waiting for death
like a cat
that will jump on the
bed
I am so very sorry for
my wife
she will see this
stiff
white
body
shake it once, then
maybe
again:
“Hank!”
Hank won’t
answer.
it’s not my death that
worries me, it’s my wife
left with this
pile of
nothing.
I want to
let her know
though
that all the nights
sleeping
beside her
even the useless
arguments
were things
ever splendid
and the hard
words
I ever feared to
say
can now be
said:
I love
you.
Sources
As in On Cats (Ecco, 2015), all the poems in On Love are faithful reproductions of the manuscripts Bukowski submitted to small press editors; editorial changes have been kept to a minimum. If a given manuscript could not be found, then the appropriate magazine version was used in an attempt to preserve Bukowski’s voice and style—the poems published by Black Sparrow Press, especially in the case of the posthumous collections, were dramatically changed. The sources below indicate which version is being used for each poem as well as its date of publication.
“mine.” Semina 2, December 1957; collected in The Days Run Like Wild Horses Over the Hills, 1969.
“layover.” The Naked Ear 9, late 1957; collected in The Roominghouse Madrigals, 1988.
“the day I kicked a bankroll out the window.” Quicksilver 12.2, Summer 1959; collected in The Roominghouse …
“I taste the ashes of your death.” Nomad 1, Winter 1959; collected in The Days …
“love is a piece of paper torn to bits.” Coastlines 14-15, Spring 1960; collected in The Roominghouse …
“to the whore who took my poems.” Quagga 1.3, September 1960; collected in Burning in Water, Drowning in Fire, 1974.
“shoes.” Late 1960 manuscript; collected in The People Look Like Flowers at Last, 2007.
“a real thing, a good woman.” Early 1961 manuscript; collected in Come On In!, 2006.
“one night stand.” Late 1961 manuscript; collected in The Rooming-house …
“the mischief of expiration.” February 1962 manuscript; collected as “beauty gone” in Open All Night, 2000.
“love is a form of selfishness.” Mummy, 1962; previously uncollected.
“for Jane: with all the love
I had, which was not enough.” 1962 manuscript; collected in The Days …
“for Jane.” The Wormwood Review 8, December 1962; collected in The Days …
“notice.” Sciamachy 5, 1963; collected in The Days …
“my real love in Athens.” Nadada 1, August 1964; previously uncollected.
“sleeping woman.” The Wormwood Review 16, December 1964; collected in The Days …
“a party here—machineguns, tanks, an army fighting against men on rooftops.” Kauri 10, October 1965; previously uncollected.
“for the 18 months of Marina Louise.” 1965 manuscript; collected as “Marina” in Mockingbird Wish Me Luck, 1972.
“poem for my daughter.” Showcase 3, July 1966; collected in The People Look Like …
“answer to a note found in the mailbox.” Salted Feathers 10, August 1967; previously uncollected.
“all the love of me goes out to her (for A.M.).” Late 1969 manuscript, first titled “the waitress”; previously uncollected.
“an answer to a critic of sorts.” Stooge 5, 1970; previously uncollected.
“the shower.” March 1971 manuscript; collected in Mockingbird …
“2 carnations.” April 26, 1971 manuscript; collected in Mockingbird …
“have you ever kissed a panther?” May 1971 manuscript; collected in Mockingbird …
“the best love poem I can write at the moment.” June 15, 1971 manuscript; previously uncollected.
“balling.” November 2, 1971 manuscript; previously uncollected.
“hot.” Event 2.2, 1972; collected in Burning …
“smiling, shining, singing.” December 22, 1972 manuscript; collected in What Matters Most Is How Well You Walk Through the Fire, 1999.
“visit to Venice.” Vagabond 17, 1973; previously uncollected.
“love poem to Marina.” Second Coming 2.3, 1973; previously uncollected.
“I can hear the sound of human lives being ripped to pieces.” c. 1973 manuscript; collected as “the sound of human lives” in Burning …
“for those 3.” Early 1970s manuscript; previously unpublished.
“blue moon, oh bleweeww mooooon how I adore you!”. June 27, 1974 manuscript; collected in Play the Piano Drunk Like a Percussion Instrument Until the Fingers Begin to Bleed a Bit, 1979. This poem is part of a longer poem, “extant,” which remains uncollected.
“the first love.” July 21, 1974 manuscript; collected as “first love” in Bone Palace Ballet, 1997.
“love.” August 2, 1974 manuscript; collected as “sloppy love” in What Matters ….
“raw with love (for N.W.).” Los Angeles Free Press 530, September 1974; collected in What Matters …
“a love poem for all the women I have known.” September 15, 1974 manuscript (second draft); collected as “a love poem” in War All The Time, 1984.
“fax.” January 23, 1975 manuscript (second draft); collected as “sweet music” in Love Is a Dog from Hell, 1977, and as “it beats love” in The Night Torn Mad with Footsteps, 2001.
“one for the shoeshine man.” May 17, 1975 manuscript; collected in Love Is a Dog …
“who in the hell is Tom Jones?”. June 4, 1975 manuscript; collected in Love Is a Dog …
“sitting in a sandwich joint just off the freeway.” June 22, 1975 manuscript; collected as “sitting in a sandwich joint” in Love Is a Dog …
“a definition.” November 15, 1975 manuscript; collected in The Night Torn …
“an acceptance slip.” November 27, 1975 manuscript; collected in Love Is a Dog … as “my old man,” and as “acceptance” in The People Look Like …
“the end of a short affair.” January 19, 1976 manuscript; collected in Love Is a Dog …
“one for old snaggle-tooth.” January 23, 1976 manuscript; collected in Love Is a Dog …
“prayer for a whore in bad weather.” February 7, 1976 manuscript; collected as “prayer in bad weather” in Love Is a Dog …
“I made a mistake.” Scarlet, April 1976; collected in Love Is a Dog …
“the 6 foot goddess (for S.D.).” June 4, 1976 manuscript; collected in Love Is a Dog …
“quiet clean girls in gingham dresses.” September 15, 1976 manuscript; collected in Love Is a Dog …
“tonight.” September 23, 1976 manuscript; collected in Love Is a Dog …
“pacific telephone.” November 1, 1976 manuscript; collected in Love Is a Dog …
“hunchback.” November 20, 1976 manuscript; collected in What Matters …
“mermaid.” October 9, 1977 manuscript; collected in Play the Piano …
“yes.” November 9, 1977 manuscript; collected in Dangling in the Tournefortia, 1981.
“2nd. street, near Hollister, in Santa Monica.” December 18, 1977 manuscript; previously uncollected.
“the trashing of the dildo.” June 30, 1978 manuscript; previously uncollected.
“a place to relax.” May 21, 1979 manuscript; collected in What Matters …
“snap snap.” June 28, 1979 manuscript; collected in Dangling …
“for the little one.” July 19, 1980 manuscript; collected in Dangling …
“hello, Barbara.” January 2, 1981 manuscript; collected in Dangling … An early, shorter draft of this poem, “upon phoning an x-wife not seen for 20 years,” dated October 19, 1977, appeared in Open All Night.
“Carson McCullers.” October 24, 1981 manuscript; collected in The Night Torn …
“Jane and Droll.” December 13, 1981 manuscript; collected as “Jane and Prince” in Open All Night.
“we get along.” June 11, 1982 manuscript; collected in Open All Night.
“it was all right.” June 22, 1982 manuscript; previously unpublished.
“my walls of love.” February 20, 1983 manuscript; previously unpublished.
“eulogy to a hell of a dame.” June 12, 1983 manuscript; collected in War All the Time.
“love.” January 7, 1984 manuscript; collected as “endless love” in Come On In!
“eulogy.” January 24, 1984 manuscript; collected in The Night Torn …
“40 years ago in that hotel room.” February 1984 manuscript; collected in The Night Torn …
“a magician, gone.” October 8, 1984 manuscript (second draft); collected in You Get So Alone at Times That It Just Makes Sense, 1986.
“no luck for that.” January 21, 1985 manuscript; collected as “no help for that” in You Get So Alone …
“love poem to a stripper.” February 1985 manuscript; collected in You Get So Alone …
“love crushed like a dead fly.” October 1985 manuscript; collected as “love dead like a crushed fly” in The Night Torn …
“shoes.” Late 1985 manuscript; collected in You Get So Alone …
“pulled down shade.” October 1986 manuscript; collected in The Last Night of Earth Poems, 1992.
“Trollius and trellises.” Long Shot 7, 1988; collected in The Last Night …
“turn.” c. 1989 manuscript; previously unpublished.
“oh, I was a ladies’ man!”. c. 1989 manuscript; collected in The Last Night …
“love poem.” January 7, 1990 manuscript; collected as “cancer” in Come On In!
“a dog.” Gas 2, 1991; collected as “this dog” in Sifting Through the Madness for the Word, the Line, the Way, 2003.
“the strong man.” March 29, 1991 manuscript; collected in Betting on the Muse, 1996.
“the bluebird.” the bluebird broadside, September 1991; collected in The Last Night …
“the dressmaker.” Whoreson Dog 1, 1993; collected in Sifting …
“confessions.” Red Cedar Review 4, 1993; collected as “confession” in The Last Night …
Acknowledgments
The editor and publisher would like to thank the owners of the material here printed, which include the following institutions:
University of Arizona, Special Collections Center
The University of California, Santa Barbara, Special
Collections
The Huntington Library, San Marino, California
The State University of New York at Buffalo, Poetry/Rare Book Collection
The University of Southern California, USC Libraries, Special Collections
Temple University, Special Collections
Thanks also to the following periodicals, where some of the poems were first printed: Coastlines, Event, Gas, Kauri, Long Shot, Los Angeles Free Press, Mummy, Nadada, The Naked Ear, Nomad, Quagga, Quicksilver, Red Cedar Review, Salted Feathers, Sciamachy, Second Coming, Semina, Showcase, Stooge, Vagabond, Whoreson Dog, and Wormwood Review.