The Elusive Consultant

by Carol Marinelli

Even if she did see a plane, what were the chances of it being Max’s?

  Zero.

  And even if it was Max’s, what could she do about it?

  Nothing.

  It felt strange, going into the hospital with two bunches of flowers, but every now and then nurses were visitors, too.

  ‘Hey, Josie.’ Tessa handed a bunch over and Josie looked them over critically.

  ‘They’d better take them outside at night, it’s not good to sleep with flowers beside you, you know.’

  ‘I can take them back if you like,’ Tessa teased. ‘They’ll brighten up the nurses’ station in Emergency.’

  ‘Just leave them there.’ Josie gestured to her locker. ‘Rita came to see me.’

  ‘Oh, its Rita now, is it?’ Tessa grinned. ‘What happened to the “blooming social worker”?’

  ‘She’s a nice girl actually. Look at all these leaflets she gave me. Can you imagine me in a retirement village?’

  Tessa looked down at the brochures, trying not to sound too enthusiastic though her heart leapt at the prospect.

  ‘It looks lovely. Look, they’ve got lawn bowls and bingo, even a hairdresser’s.’

  ‘What would I need a hairdresser for?’

  Tessa grinned. ‘You could be a redhead again.’

  ‘Fiercely expensive thought.’

  ‘I guess,’ Tessa sighed, putting the brochures back nonchalantly, though her heart was in her mouth.

  ‘Still I can afford it apparently. It would be nice to have somewhere...somewhere decent. Would you come and see me? I mean, I know I’m just a patient and you must get a lot of old coots like me...’

  ‘You’re a one-off, Josie.’ Tessa laughed. ‘Of course I’d come and visit. Anyway, I have to go now. There’s someone else I need to see before I start my shift, but I’ll pop in and see you next week.’

  Even though it was the hospital she worked in, Tessa felt as awkward as any visitor when she entered the gynae ward and made her way to the nurses’ station.

  ‘I was hoping to see Kim Billings, to give her these flowers from the staff in Emergency.’

  ‘It’s probably not the best time.’ The ward sister smiled apologetically. ‘Dr Elves has just been into see her and she’s a bit upset.’

  Tessa’s face dropped. ‘Oh.’

  ‘The baby’s all right.’ Dr Elves looked up with a smile from the notes he was writing. ‘I think she’s just a bit overwhelmed. I just gave her a sedative, so it might be better if we let her rest for now.’

  ‘Of course.’ Tessa handed the flowers to the sister. ‘Could you let her know that we’re all thinking of her?’

  Tessa walked off, slightly taken back when Dr Elves joined her as they waited at the lift, exchanging brief, polite smiles.

  ‘I seem to have spent most of the day mopping up tears.’ He half laughed as he punched the buttons, totally unaware of the agony his small talk was creating. ‘As you no doubt know, your consultant left this afternoon. I don’t know who was more upset when we waved him off, my wife or my daughter.’

  ‘It’s always hard, saying goodbye,’ Tessa murmured, grateful when the lift door pinged and Dr Elves got out and she had thirty seconds of privacy as the lift descended again. Thirty seconds to acknowledge her loss, to admit he’d definitely gone, before the lift doors slid open and she faced the world.

  A world without Max.

  * * *

  It was a busy night, but not busy enough. Everywhere Tessa turned there seemed to be bits of Max, old patients’ notes filled with his appalling handwriting, one of his many stethoscopes dangling over the blood-pressure machine, even the fact her pen survived the night safely in her pocket without Max swiping it then promptly losing it.

  ‘What can I get you, love?’ Narelle smiled her gappy smile and Tessa forced one back.

  ‘Just a coffee, thanks.’

  ‘You need more than a coffee inside you after a full night’s work. Now, I’ll ask again—what can I get you?’

  How she’d love to have gone off food, for the weight to fall off her as she pined away, but life wasn’t always like that.

  Well, not for Tessa anyway.

  Visions of greeting Max thin and divine this time next year melted away as Tessa gave in in an instant. Bacon butties smothered in brown sauce would always figure large in Tessa’s list of creature comforts, and today was no exception.

  Great, Tessa thought as she wiped the last of the sauce with her toast. I can’t even be thin when I’m pining. But, then, that was her life story.

  Max, the ultimate chocolate box. She couldn’t just wreck her diet with one chocolate, couldn’t feel guilty over one kiss. No, she had to go right on ahead and have the whole blessed box, orange creams and all!

  * * *

  Sleep wouldn’t come and after an entire morning spent tossing and turning and pounding her pillow, Tessa gave in and headed for the beach.

  A walk might burn away a few calories, then she might not feel quite so guilty about her blow-out this morning. She could always start her diet tomorrow...

  There was always tomorrow.

  The beach was almost deserted, apart from the occasional dog and its master and a couple of serious fishermen standing thigh-high in their waders, Tessa had it all to herself, but she concentrated on one small area, pacing up and down along the honey-colored, soft sand, the tranquil picture-perfect scene marred by her palpable tension.

  Her mind was saturated with Max, saturated. Every cell screaming out at the unfairness of it all, swinging from despair to guilt. Yet every now and then a blissful image would override her torment, a snippet to sustain her, a memory of the few hours when life had been kind and good and she’d truly believed they might make it. The heaven of his touch, the soft sweet glow of togetherness, only to be obliterated as a wave of shame obliterated her haven of peace.

  How many times had Tessa dreamed about him walking towards her, how many times over the years had she closed her eyes and imagined Max smiling in the sun at her, dreamed her impossible dreams?

  Watching a yellow taxi pull over, seeing Max get out, hearing his shout, his impatient wave, Tessa actually kept her face impassive, sure after so many dreams this was just another, that the sun was playing tricks on her sleep-deprived mind, that the man running towards her surely wasn’t him. But as he drew closer, when the face didn’t magically transform into just another guy that looked a bit like him, Tessa had to resist the urge to run, to kick up her heels and cross the beach towards him because, if dreams did come true, if her longing had somehow materialised him, there was no point in getting excited. What could Max possibly say to excuse what they had done?

  ‘You’re supposed to be in London.’ It wasn’t the friendliest of greetings, it didn’t even begin to sum up the magnitude of the situation, but it was the best Tessa could do.

  ‘It’s cold in London.’

  Tessa gave a dismissive half-smile and carried on walking, her mind refusing to acknowledge that he was really here beside her.

  ‘I made it as far as Singapore, and I knew I had to come back. Tessa, we never did talk.’

  ‘You could have rung,’ Tessa said rudely.

  ‘What, and listen to your answering machine again? I’ve tried that, about a hundred times. Do you ever listen to your messages, Tessa?’

  ‘There was nothing worth listening to.’ She turned, acknowledging him properly for the first time, her eyes flaming with anger. ‘Look, I’m sorry if you’ve had a wasted journey, Max. I’m sorry if your grand gesture of flying back from Singapore isn’t going to win you any Brownie points with me, but I really don’t want to see you. I’m not putting all this on you, Max—I’m just as much to blame. I’m well over the age of consent, but what we did was wrong and all I want to do is put it behind me, to try my best to forget what happened, and hope and pray no one treats me as poorly as I’ve treated Emily.’

  ‘Tessa.’ Max’s voice was sharp and from his stance Tessa knew he meant business. ‘You’re d
amn well going to listen to me. We did nothing wrong. Nothing,’ he emphasised, as she looked at him incredulously.

  ‘Have you ever started something?’ Max ventured as Tessa hesitantly sat down on the warm golden sand and stared out to the ocean, pointedly not looking at him. ‘Something that seemed liked a good idea at the time, but as soon as it’s started, as soon as you’ve agreed, you’ve immediately regretted it, watched it snowball out of control, knowing that there’s no turning back, that you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life.’

  ‘Oh, I can think of a couple of examples.’ Tessa gave a little shrug. ‘Dangling off a cliff face, then remembering I’m terrified of heights. Sleeping with my boss, believing him when he said it was over between him and his fiancée...’ Her eyes briefly looked up at him then flicked dismissively away. ‘Then finding out the next morning he was still very much engaged.’

  ‘It is over,’ Max said emphatically.

  ‘No, Max, it isn’t over until Emily knows about it.’

  ‘Emily does know.’ Max sat down beside her. ‘We finished weeks ago.’ He waited for her to say something, to look at him even, but a cynical laugh was the only response he got. ‘Emily wanted different things from the relationship than I did.’

  ‘Like monogyny or fidelity perhaps.’

  ‘You’re not making this easy, Tessa.’

  ‘I don’t want it to be easy on you, Max, I don’t want to hear you attempt to justify this.’

  ‘Well, that’s just tough,’ he said harshly. ‘Because for once in your life, Tessa, you’re going to listen to me. The taxi’s still there and if, after you’ve heard me out, you still want me to go, then I’m out of here. You have my word.’

  ‘And we all know what that’s worth,’ Tessa sneered, then shook her head in disbelief, hardly able to fathom the venom in her own voice.

  ‘We wanted different things,’ Max said again, ignoring her outburst, his voice calmer now, as if the awful, bitter exchange hadn’t even occurred. ‘I wanted the lot—babies, white picket fences, the whole family package, but Emily...’ It was Max shaking his head now. ‘The only name change she wanted was a few more letters after her surname. Her career was always going to come first, last and always. She accused me of being chauvinist, but I really don’t think I was. Sure, I love my career, love my work, but I love finishing my shift, Tessa, I love my time away from the hospital. Anyway, we both finally realised that it just wasn’t going to happen for us, that we were just too different, and I guess we didn’t love each other enough to compromise.’

  ‘So why didn’t you just break up, Max?’ Tessa’s face was contorted with anger, tears held well back as she struggled with what he was telling her. ‘Why is Emily still wearing your ring, talking about your weekends at the beach and romantic dinners for two? Answer me that, Max.’

  ‘Because she wanted everyone to believe that we’re still together.’ He watched as Tessa swallowed hard, watched her pained, angry eyes finally turn to him. ‘She didn’t want to deal with the gossip while this promotion was in the air, she thought it might affect her chances if the powers that be thought she was having personal problems.’

  ‘There would have been gossip, Tess,’ Max implored.

  She nodded slowly, her eyebrows furrowing as his words sank in.

  ‘And lots of it. But if one of us left, headed off to do a course or a six-month rotation somewhere, we could let people think it just fizzled out, somehow avoid all the sympathetic stares and nudges, and when Emily suggested it, it made sense.’

  ‘If it was her idea, why didn’t she go?’ Tessa bit back nastily.

  ‘She’s just about to make consultant, Tessa. She’s worked herself into the ground building up her reputation here, proving she was as good if not better than any man...’

  ‘So you offered to go?’

  He gave a tiny shrug. ‘My résumé could use a bit of livening up, and at the time it didn’t seem such a big deal—take a year off, see a bit of the world, come back twelve months later and pick up where I left off...’

  ‘But why all the secrecy, Max?’ Tessa interrupted. ‘Why couldn’t you just tell Emily about us, tell her how you were feeling. Surely she would have understood?’

  ‘Tessa.’ Max turned, his face inches away, his eyes boring into her. ‘Listen to me, this is important. We’ve been friends for five years now, yes?’

  She simply nodded. The maths in her head had been done long ago.

  ‘And for those five years, I promise, as true as I’m sitting here, that friends were all that we were. Sure, I thought you were great, gorgeous, funny—take your pick—and there was no doubt in my mind that one day very soon some lucky guy was going to snap you up. It just never, not once, entered my head that it might be me.

  ‘For the last two years I’ve been in a relationship, doing my best to make things work with Emily, not imagining how it would be with another woman. But after we broke up...’ He let out a long ragged sigh, ran a slightly shaking hand over his unshaven chin. ‘You went off on that trauma course and all I did was miss you. You, Tessa, not the charge nurse, not my brunch buddy, you, Tessa, and the way you make me laugh, the way you make me feel. It hit me like a thunderbolt. How could I tell Emily? How could I ask her to believe that there had never been anything between you and I, that I hadn’t been unfaithful? I know the truth, Tessa, and even I have trouble believing it could all be so innocent.’

  He grinned then screwed his eyes closed as what looked strangely like a blush darkened his cheeks. ‘I’m not really up on the latest chat up-lines. You must have wondered what on earth was going on.’

  ‘Just a bit,’ Tessa agreed, a reluctant smile wobbling on her full mouth.

  ‘I haven’t chatted anyone up for years, hell, I haven’t been on a first date for what seemed like half a century, and I didn’t have a clue how to go about it, let alone to tell you how I was feeling. There I was disappearing, for a year, and like a fool I was hoping to walk back in where I’d left things, suddenly single and free to ask you out. But I’m not that special, Tessa...’

  A cool breeze was coming off the ocean and Tessa hugged her knees to her chest, taking in all Max was telling her, her mind working fast, reliving the last few weeks, and finally the missing pieces of the jigsaw slotted into place. Emily’s sudden intimate declarations made sense now, her desperate attempts to affirm to her colleagues that she and Max were most definitely a couple. Her tears during Kim’s ultrasound made sense now, too—they hadn’t been the tears of a lover left behind but a woman struggling with the end of her relationship, and maybe dealing with the fact that babies wouldn’t ever be on her agenda.

  ‘You’re a beautiful woman, Tessa, and you can deny that as much as you like but that’s what you are, a beautiful woman who deserves to be loved. You weren’t going to wait around for a guy you didn’t even know loved you.’

  ‘Why not? I’ve already waited five years.’ Her dark serious eyes looked up at him. Honesty just a breath away. ‘I’ve loved you for five years, Max.’ The tears that normally poured so readily from her eyes were staying away now, so determined was Tessa that her moment of truth would be spoken in a clear voice, that Max absolutely understood what she was saying. ‘That’s why I feel so bad. It didn’t suddenly just happen, not for me anyway. I’ve been longing for this, dreaming of this, and in some way I feel I must have engineered it, that I’m to blame for your break-up.’

  ‘No.’

  Tessa watched, startled, as she realised it was Max, not her, that was crying, that for once she was the one being strong.

  ‘It isn’t your fault and it isn’t mine. Emily and I just didn’t love each other enough, and we both know that now.’

  ‘I saw her father yesterday.’ Tessa was almost shouting. ‘He told me that she’s devastated. That she didn’t want you to go.’

  ‘Because she realised she’d made a mistake!’ Max’s voice overrode Tessa’s, his eyes imploring her to listen, to believe. ‘Emily knew she’d over
reacted. She’s not going to miss out on promotion because of a bit of a gossip and the hospital isn’t going to grind to a halt because we’ve broken up—we’re not that important! Sure, our parents will be upset when they find out and there’ll be a ton of gossip, but we would have survived it. But I can’t survive this, Tessa, I can’t fly to the other side of the world without you knowing the truth. And I can’t bear the fact that you don’t trust me.’

  ‘I want to trust you,’ Tessa sobbed. ‘And I so badly wanted to believe that we weren’t doing anything wrong, but I’m scared of making a mistake, scared of ending up like...’ The words strangled in her throat, and she shook her head in anguish at her failure to finish, pushing the palms of her hands into her eyes in a futile attempt to collect her breath.

  ‘Like your parents.’

  Pain ripped through him as he watched her tiny nod, heard her intake of breath as she fought back nineteen years’ worth of tears and pain.

  ‘We’re nothing like them, Tessa, nor will we ever be.’

  ‘You don’t know that.’ Her face was still buried in her hands, like a child blocking out the world, and Max gently gripped her wrists, pulling her hands down and placing a gentle thumb on her chin, dragging her eyes to meet his.

  ‘I do know that. Because I love you, Tessa, and I’m actually starting to believe that you love me, too, and if we’re going to do this, we’re going to make damn sure that we do it right.’

  His lips found hers then, rough and urgent as if the strength and depth of his passion could somehow cast away the last doubts clouding her mind,

  The taxi beeped and they both looked up, startled at the intrusion, the ticking meter forcing them to a conclusion.

  ‘He can wait,’ Max said quickly.

  ‘It must be costing you a fortune.’

  Max shrugged. ‘You should have seen what they charged for the air ticket. It’s turning into the most expensive first date in history.’

  Tessa smiled but it wobbled at the edges. ‘Especially when you’re not even going to get asked in for coffee.’ She watched as despair flooded his eyes, as he opened his mouth to argue then closed it again as Tessa tentatively continued.