by Mike Knudson
6
Extra Tighty Whities
“OKAY, TOAD CLAWS! It’s almost everyone’s favorite time of day: dinner!” Toad announced. “We have about thirty minutes if any of you want to shower off that lake water before you eat. Otherwise, you can have free time in your cabin.”
I definitely wanted a shower. I felt like I had a bunch of dirt in my swimming trunks from my cannonball into the shallow water. Graham, Tiny, BB, and I all decided to shower. The rest of the guys thought they were clean enough already.
When we got to the showers a bunch of kids were drying off and getting dressed. “Hey, these are the boys’ showers,” David said as we walked in. “No girls allowed.” They all laughed.
“How come you’re here then?” BB snapped back. He and Graham gave each other a high five. I shook my head, wondering why we always had to run into David.
“Just wait until the Olympics. Then you’ll see who the real men are,” David sneered.
“We’ll see, all right,” Graham said.
We set our clothes down on a bench and each took a shower stall. Tiny started singing one of the camp songs we had learned about a little green frog. Pretty soon we all joined in. After a couple more songs Tiny, BB, and I got out and dressed. Graham was still enjoying the hot shower after being in the cold lake.
“Come on, man,” I told him.
“Just go ahead without me. I’ll be there in a few minutes,” he replied.
“Okay, we’ll wait for you at the cabin.” Graham just kept singing. BB and I started running back to the cabin. I thought Tiny was right behind us, but when I turned around, he was still near the showers walking really slowly.
“Hey, are you all right?” I called back to him. We stopped and waited for him to catch up.
“I don’t know. I just feel a little uncomfortable,” Tiny said. He had a sick look on his face.
“What do you mean?” I asked. He stood there for a moment trying to find the words to describe how he was feeling.
“It’s probably nothing,” he finally said. We walked back to the cabin. Tiny tried to sit down on BB’s bunk, but it looked like he was having a hard time.
“What’s wrong with you, Tiny?” BB asked.
“You didn’t do a cannonball in the shallow part of the lake too, did you?” I said.
“No, it’s just that—”
Just then Graham came busting through the cabin door. “Do I look smaller than I did this morning?” he interrupted.
“What are you talking about?” BB asked.
“Well, either my mom bought me some huge . . . um . . . clothes by mistake, or I have suddenly gotten puny.”
I looked at Graham. “You don’t look any punier than normal.”
“That’s so weird,” Tiny said. “I feel the total opposite—like I got even bigger.”
“You guys look the same to me,” BB said.
“It just feels like my”—Tiny got quiet and whispered—“like my underwear is suddenly really small.”
We stood there for a few moments trying to figure it out. Then BB snapped his fingers and adjusted his big glasses. He looked like a scientist who had just made a new discovery.
“You guys haven’t gotten bigger or smaller. You’re probably just wearing each other’s—”
Then it hit us all at the same time. “Underwear!” we all shouted. “Ooh, gross!”
“No way!” Graham said. “I’m sure I didn’t put on your underwear.”
“Me neither!” Tiny cried.
Then Graham had an idea. “My mom wrote my name on mine. Check your tag.”
Tiny could barely move. “They’re so tight I don’t think I can stretch them to see. But check yours. My mom did the same thing.”
Graham pulled the back of the underwear around to the front without even stretching it. “It says TINY,” Graham read in a horrified voice. “Oh gross, I’m wearing your underwear!”
Tiny grabbed a new pair of underpants from his bag and ran toward the door. “I’ll meet you guys at the mess hall,” he called out. He couldn’t run very well in Graham’s tight underwear. He looked like an enormous penguin trying to jog.
“Me too,” Graham yelled, following Tiny. The back of his underwear where he had pulled it around was hanging out of his pants.
BB and I stood there laughing our heads off. Then at the same time we both looked at each other and stopped laughing. We must have had the same thought, because we both reached for the back of our underwear and twisted our necks around. We let out sighs of relief as we read our own names.
Graham and Tiny made it to the dining hall just as dinner started. They looked happier and much more comfortable. Dinner was spaghetti, applesauce, and salad. On the way to our table we passed by David and his patrol.
“Hey, it’s the Geek Patrol,” David called out. The rest of his table laughed. David had always been mean to me and Graham, but I didn’t think his whole table would join in. I looked at Tiny, BB, and Graham. I wondered if we did seem a little geeky. I mean, even though Tiny was a big guy, he didn’t look scary. Some kids look huge and tough. Tiny just looked huge and happy. You could tell just from looking at him that he would never hurt a fly. Then there was BB and his bugs, and Graham with his messy, curly red hair and his crooked glasses. I looked down at my clothes, which were hand-me-downs from my cousin Norman. I hated to admit it, but maybe we did look like geeks.
“How are those underpants fitting?” David yelled out. His entire table busted up.
“That was you?” Graham exploded.
“What’s the matter?” David smirked. “Can’t you read your own name on the tag?” I wanted to go tell Toad, who was in the front of the room talking to Fuzzy. But there was one thing I knew for sure: tattlers were never popular or cool. If we were going to be popular, we would have to try something else. Finally, we made our way to our table. Fortunately, it was far away from David’s.
“This is going to be tougher than I thought,” Graham said. “How can we convince everyone we’re really cool when David’s announcing that we’re geeks?”
“I was just thinking the same thing. I can’t believe that he switched your underwear. He must have done it when we were showering,” I said. “What I wouldn’t give to really get that guy.”
“Yeah, me too,” Graham agreed.
“Me three,” Tiny said. Graham and I both looked at him. It seemed like such an un-Tiny thing to say. Tiny was usually so happy.
“Hey, nobody messes with my underpants,” Tiny said.
“You know what? You’re right,” Graham announced. “Two can play that game. If he wants to pull pranks on us, he had better be prepared to get some pranks pulled on him too.”
“Count me in,” BB added. He adjusted his glasses. “I always stand by my bugs and my friends.”
“We need to think of something good,” Graham said, rubbing his hands together.
As we sat there planning our attack, there was a commotion at the table next to ours. A kid was standing on his seat to make an announcement.
“And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for! The Amazing Mark Herron will eat whatever we mix on his tray. Gather around, Grizzlies.”
We got up and squeezed into the crowd that had already formed. A kid who must have been the Amazing Mark Herron was sitting at the table with a tray in front of him. He wore a Hawaiian shirt and a necklace made of what looked like little seashells.
“All right, dudes,” Mark announced, “bring on the spaghetti.” The first kid dumped a pile of spaghetti onto the tray. “Right on, dude,” Mark said. “Now the applesauce.” His friend scooped some applesauce on top of the spaghetti and stirred it in. A low “ooooh” came from the crowd. “Dude, bring on the salad.” Salad was then mixed into the pile. Finally, the disgusting mixture was complete.
“What’s with all the ‘dude’ talk?” I whispered to Graham.
“What do you mean? Cool guys like that guy always say dude,” Graham answered. “Everyone knows that.”
Mark lifted a spoonful of the nauseating concoction into the air and took a whiff. “It’s Herron’s Heap!” he said. “Any of you dudes care for a sample?” There were no takers. Then, without plugging his nose or making a face at all, he put the spoon in his mouth. He let out a big “Mmm” as he pulled the clean spoon from his lips. Everyone cheered. Mark stood up and took a bow. “We’ll see you dudes next time for another exciting episode of Herron’s Heap.”
Even after the crowd broke up and everyone returned to their tables, the whole room was still talking about the Amazing Mark Herron.
“I can’t believe he ate that!” I said. “He didn’t even flinch. That was disgusting.”
Graham agreed. “Yeah, that guy is so cool.”
After dinner all the patrols gathered in front of the lodge. Fuzzy led us through a few songs, and the staff performed some more funny skits. Then, one at a time, each patrol presented its new name and cheer. Fuzzy said the patrol that showed the most spirit would get an award at the ceremony on Friday night.
We listened as each patrol performed. They all had cool names like the Fighting Eagles, Super Snakes, Roaring Lions, and stuff like that. Graham looked at me. “For some reason our name and cheer don’t seem as cool now as they did earlier today.”
“Yeah, I’m not sure they’re going to help much with our popularity,” I said.
Finally, it was our turn. Toad hopped up in front of us. I was already embarrassed. “One, two, three,” he called out. Then we all screamed, “We are the Toad Claws!” and hopped around cheering, “Har! Toad Claws!” The other patrols were either laughing or looking at us like we were nuts. No one laughed harder than Flex’s team.
“Just what I would expect from a Toad,” Flex called over to us. I could hear in his voice that he didn’t mean it in a good way. Toad seemed to hear the comment but ignored him.
Flex’s patrol was called the Muscular Monsters, and for their cheer they did four push-ups while yelling “One, two, three, four. Muscles are the best for sure!” Then they jumped up and flexed their muscles. I thought they looked stupid, but a lot of people cheered for them and thought they were cool. For some strange reason the crowd thought muscular monsters were cooler than pirate toads.
7
Campfire Chat
AFTER EVERYONE FINISHED their cheers, we sang a final song and lowered the flag. Our patrol followed Toad back to the benches in front of our cabins.
We all sat down, and Toad made a campfire in the pit. “All right, who’s ready for Roses, Thorns, and Buds?”
We looked around at each other. I don’t think anyone knew what he was talking about.
“Let me explain, Toad Claws. Every night when we gather around the campfire, we’ll each take a turn and share a rose, a thorn, and a bud. A rose is something you’ve enjoyed that day, maybe your favorite activity or just something great that happened. A thorn is something that didn’t go so well or that you didn’t like about the day. And, finally, a bud is something that you are looking forward to tomorrow.”
Toad looked around at our blank faces. “Why don’t I go first to show you how it works? Today my rose was coming up with our patrol name and cheer with you guys. Patrols always choose to be eagles, hawks, or mountain lions, but this is the first time I’ve ever heard of one called the Toad Claws.
“As for my thorn . . . I’d have to say that my thorn was stepping in the mud this afternoon. These are my brand-new camp boots.
“And my bud is the hike we’ll be taking tomorrow. It’s always my favorite activity.” Toad sat down at the end of the bench in front of cabin six and patted a kid named Jackson on the back. “Your turn,” he said.
“Okay, my rose was watching Mark Herron eat the Herron’s Heap at dinner. It was awesome!” A lot of heads nodded in agreement. “My thorn was the freezing cold water in the lake.” Again, there were a lot of heads nodding. “And my bud is getting to see Herron’s Heap again tomorrow.”
Graham turned to me. “Raymond, these guys never met Mark Herron until tonight, and they already think he’s the greatest.”
“I know. I don’t get it. All he did was eat a pile of mixed-up food,” I said.
Graham was right. Almost every kid mentioned Mark Herron as a rose or a bud. One kid even had him as his thorn because he missed seeing Herron’s Heap at dinner.
Finally someone got up who didn’t adore Mark Herron: Lizzy-Boy.
“My roses, thorns, and buds are the same as Toad’s,” he said.
“You mean your thorn is that Toad stepped in the mud?” Graham called out. Everyone laughed, except Lizzy-Boy. He just gave Graham a rude smirk and then sat down.
I leaned over to Graham. “Wow, he really is like Lizzy.”
At last it was our cabin’s turn. Tiny went first.
“Well, my rose is making friends with the guys in my cabin. They’re really awesome.” He looked down at us and smiled. It made me feel good. Then he continued. “My thorn is when I jumped off my bunk and accidentally landed on Raymond’s foot. Sorry, man,” he said to me. I smiled and gave him a thumbs-up. “And my bud would have to be the food. I really like to eat, if you can’t tell.” He pointed to his large stomach and everyone laughed.
BB was next. “Well, my rose is finding this cool brown spider I named Harry. I’m not sure what kind he is yet. He looks like a wolf spider, but he may be too small. But don’t worry, I’ll figure it out.” I looked around, wondering how many people were actually worrying. “My thorn is when I forgot to tell Tiny about Harry and he got on Tiny’s shirt. Sorry, Tiny.” Tiny shivered, but smiled. Then BB raised both hands in the air. “And my bud is us winning the spirit award this week. Go Toad Claws! Har!”
The whole group joined in.“Har! Toad Claws!”
Graham stood up. “Let’s see. My rose would have to be this awesome bear claw I got at the Trading Post.” He held it up to show everyone.
“My thorn was when Tiny and I accidentally switched—”
Tiny jumped up and interrupted, “Wallets, when we accidentally switched wallets. Right, Graham?”
Graham caught the hint. “Um, yeah . . . wallets. It was really . . . um . . . weird.” Everyone was looking at Graham like he was crazy. “My bud is having marshmallows with the girls tomorrow night. My girlfriend, Kelly, is coming from the girls’ camp. Just in case you wanted to know.”
It was my turn. “I guess my rose is just being here at camp. My thorn would be either that I didn’t pass my swim test or that I did a cannonball in the shallow part of the lake.” I rubbed my backside, which still hurt. There were a couple of chuckles from the patrol. “My bud is having this campfire every night. I love campfires.”
In the end, I thought Roses, Thorns, and Buds was pretty fun. Afterward, we all sat around the fire for a while and chatted as, little by little, people went inside their cabins to go to bed. Pretty soon it was down to BB, Tiny, Graham, and me. Graham and I ended up telling them about how we wanted to become cool and popular at camp.
“Are you guys part of the popular crowd at your schools?” I asked BB and Tiny.
“I’m actually the most popular kid at my school,” BB said confidently.
“Me too,” Tiny said. Graham and I stared at them in disbelief.
Then they both burst out laughing. “Just kidding! Of course I’m not,” BB said.
“I hardly even know who the popular kids are at my school!” Tiny giggled.
I couldn’t believe it. They sounded like they didn’t even care that they weren’t popular.
“Well, we’re tired of being just regular guys,” I said. “We want to be the guys that everyone likes and wants to invite to their parties.”
“Yeah, like Mark Herron,” Graham said.
BB shook his head. “Just because he calls everyone dude and eats some gross stuff, he’s suddenly an instant hit? I’ll bet he doesn’t even know the life expectancy of a flea.”
Then Graham stood up and hit himself in the forehead like he just remembered s
omething. “Wait a minute. What if Mark didn’t eat all of those weird things? And what if he didn’t call everyone dude? What would he be like?”
I thought about that for a moment. “I don’t know. Just some regular guy, I guess.”
Graham smiled. “That’s right, just a regular guy. A regular guy like us.”
“Yeah, so what? You’re not saying we should eat a bunch of weird things so people will think we’re cool, are you?”
“Why not? It seems easy enough,” Graham continued. “We could just throw a couple of things together on our trays and do what Mark did. And we could call everyone dude.”
I thought about it. “I don’t know,” I said. “What if we just try calling everyone dude for a day? Maybe that would be enough and we wouldn’t have to eat anything gross.”
Graham rubbed his chin. “It’s definitely worth a try . . . dude.”
“All right, let’s start right now, dude,” I said. I felt cooler already, like I wasn’t just a regular guy anymore. I felt like, well, a dude.
I stood up. “Dude, I’m going to bed.”
Graham yawned. “Yeah, let’s go.”
“Don’t you mean, let’s go, dude?” I said.
“Right. Thanks, dude.”
BB and Tiny looked at us strangely. “Are you guys serious?” BB asked.
“Of course we’re serious, dude,” Graham replied.
Tiny stood up. “I think I’ll pass on the whole dude thing,” he said.
We all grabbed our toothbrushes and walked down to the bathrooms together.
“We’ve got to think of a great prank to pull on David,” Graham said as we arrived at the sinks. We thought hard about what we could do, but none of us was really used to pulling pranks on people.
Tiny, BB, and I finished up in the bathroom and were waiting outside for Graham to come out when we heard him shout, “I’ve got it!”