by Trio, L. M.
I think it may have been a few minutes later, but, to be honest; I’m in and out of it. I hear him again swear under his breath. I open my eyes, we are on our street. Alexa’s car is parked in front of Luke’s house. I lose it. I begin to cry uncontrollably as Mikey pulls into my driveway. My legs are so weak that I can’t get out of the car. Knowing where I hide my key, Mikey opens the front door and practically has to carry me to my room.
I continue to sob as I try to get answers from him. “How could he do this to me? Kissing her in CJ’s was bad enough, but how can he bring her to his house? How can he be sleeping with her if he loves me?” I slur as I get to my feet and walk towards my window.
Mikey follows me, turning me away from the window towards him. He holds me tightly. “He’s messed up bad right now, JJ. He doesn’t know what he’s doin’. He loves you, you know that,” he says as he holds my head to his chest. “I’m sorry this happened,” he whispers.
I hold tightly to him, unable to comprehend what is happening. “How can he do this to me? Is it me? What is wrong with me Mikey? Am I not enough? I’m sure he told you... What is it? He said I was needy. He said he didn’t need me... Is that why?” I plead.
He holds my face delicately in his hands, lifting my face so that our eyes meet. “Do not think there is anything wrong with you. This is about him. Regardless of what he is going through, he should not have done this to you tonight. You don’t deserve this, you’re hurting, too.”
“Why would he run to her, what is it about her?”
“There’s nothing about her. You have it all over her… in every way,” he says softly as he leans down to kiss my cheek. With my mind still clouded by the alcohol, I turn my head, meeting his innocent kiss with my mouth, I begin to kiss him deeply, need to feel close to him, the one person who is closest to Luke, in some way, feels comforting for me to hold onto. He responds to my kiss, my hands pull at his shirt, lifting it over his head, I let it drop to the floor, I’m kissing him fiercely and he continues to respond. Impulsively, I remove my own shirt. I run my nails down his back as I push him back towards my bed.
Suddenly, he pushes me away. I wrap my arms around his neck and try to kiss him again. He pulls his head back and grabs my wrist with his hands. “JJ, stop,” he says sternly. He reaches down, picks my shirt up off the floor and hands it to me, averting his eyes towards the wall. Embarrassed, I quickly put it on and sit down on my bed with my arms wrapped around my legs. “JJ, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Why not? He doesn’t want me.” He sits down next to me, pulling his shirt over his head while rubbing my back.
“And you... don’t want me. We are all screwed up right now. It sucks. Everything is really fucked up. It’s gonna be okay, though,” he says, trying to comfort me as well as himself. I curl up in my bed. He pulls the covers over me, tucking me in while he continues to sit by my side, patting my back, telling me everything will work out.
“I’m sorry, Mikey, for kissing you. I know you love her,” I whisper as the room spins around and I drift in and out of sleep.
I’m restless and sick and not sure how much time has passed when I hear Deanna whispering, “Is she okay?”
“I’m not sure. She’s tossing and turning, she jumps every now and then. Every time I doze off, she scares the hell out of me.”
“Thanks for staying with her. How much did she drink?”
“She said a lot... and I think she was right,” he answers. I can feel De’s hand brush the side of my cheek.
“I’m so mad at him for doing this to her, Mikey. I know I should be supporting him, but how could he hurt her this way. She’s been through enough in her life.”
Before I can hear his response, I jump out of bed, my stomach finally getting the best of me. I run into the bathroom.
“Go ahead. Go home. I’ll stay with her,” I hear her say as she follows me in the bathroom. They continue to whisper, believing I can’t hear.
“Alexa’s car was at the house when we pulled up. It freaked her out and, to be honest, me, too. I can’t believe he’d do that,” I hear him say to her.
“It’s not there now,” she answers.
De rubs my back as I lean over the toilet, dry heaving, unable to rid myself from the alcohol that has taken over my body. I curl up in a ball on the bathroom floor. De props herself against the wall and stretches out beside me, placing my head in her lap.
“Two things I’ll never ever do again… Fall in love... and drink,” I whisper as I once again drift off.
“Yes, you will,” she says quietly, brushing my hair away from my face.
***
(Luke)
My dad must have heard the commotion of Alexa running from the house. He enters the bathroom, finding me on the floor, leaning over the toilet, my head inches from the bowl. “Hey buddy, everything is going to be okay,” he says quietly while rubbing my back, just as he did when I was a little boy with the stomach flu. After, what seems to feel like losing most of my insides, he guides me back to my bed and sits next to me with his arms wrapped around me.
“Dad, I’m sorry. I screwed everything up so bad… I don’t know what to do... I can’t fix it this time. Are you ashamed of me?” I ask; finally breaking down, water flowing uncontrollably from my eyes like a waterfall.
My dad holds me tightly as I continue to let out what I’ve been holding in for the last few weeks. “No way, we love you and are proud of you. What happened was an accident. You’re going to be alright, you’ll get through this. You’re a good boy, Luciano, you always have been.”
“I destroyed JJ tonight, she’ll hate me forever… You know how much I love her, right Dad? I’m not a good person,” I ramble.
“It’s going to be alright... You’re going to get through this... calm down... You’re a good person. Everyone, including Jesse, knows that. You need to know that... What happened was an accident, not intentional,” he whispers as he pats my arm and I slowly begin to drift off to sleep, or lose consciousness because of the alcohol consumption, I’m not sure which. I am drifting in and out of what feels like a nightmare. I hear my mom ask my dad if I’m alright. “He’s okay, Maria. Go back to bed,” he responds.
Later, I hear Mikey’s voice, “Get some sleep, Lucca. I’ll watch him.”
Morning comes and I’m still feeling sick from the night before. I have to turn myself in by ten. I shower and head down the steps, the smell of breakfast makes me feel worse. Everyone is sitting in the kitchen when I walk down and the talking stops. Last night feels like a nightmare, worse than anything I could ever imagine. JJ isn’t here, I hurt her… bad. A reminder that the nightmare is real and a sign that she hates me for sure. I feel like I’m about to hurl once again.
“I made you breakfast,” my mom says nervously, twisting her fingers with her eyes swollen from crying.
“Sorry, Mom. I’m not feelin’ too good. I’ll just grab some toast.” I grab a few pieces of toast from the table and turn to my dad. “Are you ready, I want to get goin’?” I can’t bear to stay here another minute, looking at all of their sleepless, worried faces.
“You have some time, sit for a while,” he says.
“No, I want to go now,” I say, looking at Mikey to bail me out.
He jumps up and grabs his keys. “Let’s go,” he says, knowing I need to get out now, before I lose it. He hesitates. “Give me a minute, I’ll be right in.” He darts out the door, it’s odd. I follow behind him and see that his car is in JJ’s driveway. I instantly feel a stab going through my heart. I figure he didn’t want me to be reminded of last night. He must have brought her home. He pulls the car up in our driveway. He doesn’t look at me.
My dad comes out of the house, followed by my mom and De. They both have tears streaming down their faces as they hug me tightly. I hug them back, still unable to look at them. I apologize and tell them I love them.
I climb in the backseat and waving goodbye to my mom and De. I try to keep it together. I glance
over at JJ’s bedroom window, wanting more than anything to go to her one last time, wanting to kiss her lips, touch her skin, and smell her hair, one last time. I can’t. Not after last night. She will never forgive me. Maybe it’s better this way. She deserves better than me. I look up in the rearview mirror to catch Mikey watching me through the same mirror. I know the look, he doesn’t have to ask. He will stop the car in a second so that I can see her one last time. I quickly glance away, ignoring the question in his eyes. It has to be this way.
Chapter 44(Luke)
As we walk into police headquarters, I give my name at the desk and tell them the reason I’m here. The officer doing the processing knows of Mikey and me from the media. He’s cool with us and treats my dad with respect, which makes me feel somewhat better, considering what a loser I have become. He sympathetically explains to my dad that I will be held here until I’m transferred to the state facility. I take a seat while my father and the officer finish the process.
“We knew he was coming today. Most of the guys here at the station are local guys. We’ve all read up on the case. The kid got a raw deal. I shouldn’t be saying this, but they made an example of this kid. I don’t think there’s one person that knew him that didn’t say what a good kid he is,” I overhear the officer whispering to my dad.
“Thank you. He is a great kid. We’re proud of him. It was a terrible accident,” he replies, which really makes me feel worse. I let everyone down.
He leaves the room, too emotional to continue. Mikey, sensing that I probably am hearing all of this, sits down with the officer and asks a few questions regarding the procedure once I’m transferred. Questions, I, myself, am curious about. They sit two desks away from me, but I overhear as they whisper.
The officer explains that although it’s nothing like here, I should be okay. “He’ll have access to the pay phone each night. He’ll have to wait in line to use it, just like everyone else. He’ll be able to have visitors once a week. He’ll want to get a job, it’ll keep him busy. He should be able to get something right away.” He continues on with a list of things I may want to do to make the time go by.
“What are the chances of him getting an early release?” Mikey asks.
“What did he get… four to seven?” the officer asks.
Mikey nods in agreement.
“I’d say a year and half… two tops as long as he does everything right and keeps himself out of trouble. He could probably get out on a work release program about a year and half in.”
“That’s what his lawyer said. We’re counting on it. A lot of people are pulling for him. He’s got a huge support system,” Mikey adds. At that point, my dad enters the room once again and Mikey fills him in on the details, while I sit alone and pretend I can’t hear them.
At this point, I’m ready to just get on with it. I’m hoping my dad and Mikey will leave, but I think they are going to end up staying for lunch. They all seem pretty damn chummy. I think it is a little tacky that the officers ask Mikey and me for autographs, but, hell, who am I to judge. I should be thankful that someone’s actually still asking for my autograph in the first place. Honestly, I’m still really sick from last night and just want to climb into my hole and sleep for the next few years.
“Yo, bud, don’t you have a game in a couple of hours? What are you going to do, move in with me?” I call out to Mikey.
I know what they are doing. They figure if they butter them up, they will treat me better. Mikey, knowing I’m on to them, finally is able to convince my dad to leave. We say our goodbyes. I tell Mikey I will get in touch with him in a few days. I reassure them that I’m fine as I watch them leave the station.
They bring me downstairs to the holding cell. They collect my shoelaces and ask if I’m wearing a belt. I guess they didn’t want me to hang myself and take the easy way out. Suffering through the next few years is part of the punishment. I look around the room, unable to wake myself from this nightmare. Still in shock that this is now my life. At least there is no one else here with me and it is pretty clean, I guess. The officer says, normally, it’s quiet, but since it’s summer, they do get the drunks from the bars occasionally during the night. They are nice enough to tell me they’ll try to let me keep this cell to myself. They’ll put the drunks in the cell across from me. Oh good… I can’t wait, I think to myself.
I lie down on the crappy cot, my mind swirling, replaying the last couple of weeks over and over... What if? What if? What if? I try to sleep, but the nightmares won’t stop. Still feeling sick from all of the alcohol I had consumed, not to mention, how I have left things with JJ, all I want to do is sleep and hopefully not wake up for a few years. Maybe I have alcohol poisoning and will slip into a coma.
Chapter 45(Jesse)
In the week following Luke’s departure, I can’t breathe. My heart feels as if it has literally stopped beating. The pain I’m feeling is unbearable. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. All of the heartbreak I have felt from my past comes rushing back. I’m that same, lost, fifteen-year-old girl all over again.
This time, I have Deanna by my side. She stays with me every night, never mentioning his name. My poor dad sits helplessly close by, watching me once again slip away.
It isn’t until a little more than a week later, I dream of my mom. I’m lying in my bed, curled up. She sits beside me, stroking my hair, like she used to do when I was a little girl. “JJ, you need to get up and move on. You will find peace and happiness again. It may not be the same as before, but you will find a new way to feel happy again, just as you have before,” she whispers quietly as I turn to talk to her, I notice she has tears in her eyes.
I reach for her, but before I can touch her, I awaken. She’s gone. I don’t want her to be sad. I want her to be happy and I want her to be proud of me.
“It seems as though she comes to me when I’m at the lowest points in my life, it makes me feel as if she really is watching over me,” I say to Deanna as I relay my dream to her in the morning.
I know then what I need to do. I have to leave Bay Point, make a new start. It’s convincing my dad that I have to leave that is going to be a hard sell.
“Hey, Dad,” I say as he sips his morning coffee, reading the paper. I grab a cup for myself and sit across from him.
He folds his newspaper, analyzing me. He spent the last week watching me rolled up in a ball in my bed. Not eating, not socializing. Now here I am standing before him doing a complete turnaround. I know he is secretly thinking, “I’m going to have to send this girl to the looney bin,” but he waits patiently for me to continue.
“I had a dream of Mommy last night... I haven’t had one in a really long time. She was angry that I was feeling sorry for myself.”
He looks at me intently, trying to process if I have completely lost my mind. I ignore the look and begin to state my case about leaving for USF. My classes are to begin in a couple of weeks and I have a dorm waiting for me. I try convincing him that I need the extra time to get adjusted before classes begin.
My dad thought USF was out of the picture at this point. After all, the main reason I chose the school was to be closer to Luke. Since the incident, my dad and I haven’t even discussed school, so I know this is really taking him by surprise. He rattles off the other schools that I have been accepted to that are closer to home, like the University of the Arts in Philly. He wants me close, where he can keep an eye on me. I argue that I’m already accepted into a really good school with an excellent Art program in Tampa, not to mention, I have a scholarship and my tuition has been paid. “Besides, I already have a dorm room waiting for me. Good thing you forced me into that,” I joke. He sits there, staring at me for a while. “Pleeassse,” I beg.
“Where is all of this coming from, JJ? You can’t run away from your problems all of the time, Sweetie.”
“Sure you can... We did it the last time and it worked... for a little while anyway.” I smile and I continue pleading my case. “Daddy, please… I need this. I ju
st want to focus on my art right now. I can’t concentrate here... everything here reminds me... of him.”
I pull out the big guns, knowing the mention of him will get me the sympathy vote. He sits quietly, thinking and drinking his coffee. I try to impress him by helping myself to a huge plate of the omelet he’s made, along with a bagel. I know he’s been worried about me all week. Afraid of me relapsing, like when I lost my mom. I had practically starved myself to death. I have to make him believe that I will be okay.
“Well?” I ask with a mouth full of food.
“I’m worried about you being out there, not knowing anyone,” he replies.
“Mikey’s there... and… I’ll have a roommate. The campus is really safe. I promise I’ll take good care of myself.”
After a long time of wearing him down, he finally gives in.
***
Explaining to De that I’m leaving so soon is harder than I thought.
“But we still have a couple of more weeks together. You’re going to leave me?” she asks, sounding like a little girl with eyes that well up as soon as the words come out.
“I have to go. I can’t stay here and lay in bed all the time... You’ll be out to visit as much as you can. We’ll talk every night,” I reassure her, but knowing that it won’t be the same as having her right beside me when I need her.
“I should have gone to Florida with you. Why did I choose Phoenix anyway?” she asks.
“You wanted to try somewhere different… far away, remember?”
“Is it too late to change my mind?”
“I think so,” I answer, hugging her.
***
Later that week, I sit quietly beside my dad as I stare out the small window, watching the small houses with swimming pools come into view.
“Please fasten your seat belts at this time as we begin our departure to Tampa International. We should touch down at approximately 11:05. Temperature in Tampa is currently at ninety-six degrees. Thank you for flying with Spirit Airlines,” the pilot states.