by R. J. Garcia
“Oh.” I squinted as tears stung my eyes. I didn’t let them go.
Tommy let out a line of obscenities. Reese called out his name as if to correct him. He turned and hugged me, his hands on my backpack. I held onto him just long enough to pull it together. I slipped out of the embrace and faced Reese. My eyes pleaded with her to make it better. I had been visiting her since my mom first married Polar Bear. I was only seven. She had become my second mother and Holden my surrogate dad, or cool big brother. Sometimes I didn’t feel like I even belonged at home.
“Listen, Finn, if that man touches you again, you tell me, and I’ll report him. You are always, always welcome here.” She studied me cautiously.
I just wanted Polar Bear gone. It was a ferocious longing. I couldn’t talk about it. There were a lot of things I couldn’t talk about.
Isabella came in the room. “Windy tree,” she called out. I faked a smile.
“Not today, Isabella! Get lost,” Tommy snapped.
“Tommy!” Reese said and sweetly called Isabella over to her. “Come on, Izzy, help me with Sóla.”
Isabella sat next to Reese on the sofa. Tommy flung his arm around my shoulder like a trainer might do to his boxer and said, “Let’s hang out downstairs.”
Putting myself on automatic pilot, I didn’t even remember going down the stairs.
Tommy took my backpack and I sank down on the couch. “Do you want something to eat?” he asked.
“No.” I halfway turned to face the window and folded my arms across my chest. A few tears burned down my cheeks. It was so embarrassing, losing it and in front of him. “Don’t look at me.” I shoved the tears away.
“Finn, you’re such a loser. How dare you have human emotions?” Tommy sat down about a foot away from me on the couch.
“Why? Why does she keep taking him back?” I twisted and turned around on the couch, agonizing about it. “I hate her, I mean, I hate it sometimes.”
“I’m sorry, Finn.” Tommy dropped his head and covered his face with his hands. “I know what you’re feeling. My mom failed another drug screen.” He moved his hands away from his face. His eyes flashed back over to me. His face reddened, sucking back his own misery.
“I’m sorry, man. At least, we can piss and moan together.”
His eyes glittered at me, flickering back and forth. “Yeah. And I guess everybody does the best they can.” His words were clear but flat and hollow.
This time, I smiled sheepishly. “I could do better. I’m not even very smart.”
“I don’t know if it’s better to get taken from a screwed-up home or to be left in it. I know one thing. You’re smarter than you think.”
Tommy had this way of making me believe in myself. No one had ever done that before. The misery had passed us for now. He produced a remote from beneath a cushion and flicked the TV on. We watched it until my mom called me home.
Chapter 13
The Good, the Bad, and the Interesting
Finn
Back at my house, the sweet smell of baby powder, drool, and aging formula filled the air. My mom made Polar Bear take me to the emergency room. They x-rayed my hand. I had three fissures on my knuckles, but my hand wasn’t broken. They put it in a splint, but not a cast, and gave me a prescription for pain meds. On the way home, Polar Bear started talking.
“You cracked your knuckles on Mudget’s face.” He wore his artificial smile.
I slumped down low in my seat.
“I know you did. It’s not a question. There’s hope for you yet, boy,” he said.
“Mudget asked for it. He had a knife,” I replied, feeling uneasy about being alone with my stepdad and unsure if he was pretending to be okay with me beating up Mudget. After all, Mudget was his rogue offspring. “I didn’t mean to hurt him,” I added.
“Why do you want to ruin it when you finally did something like a man? Can’t you be glad you kicked his ass? No, you always go namby-pamby on me.”
“Alright. I kicked his ass and it was awesome,” I admitted.
Polar Bear smirked. “Oh, come on, you don’t need to brag, either. You threw a few lucky punches.”
I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to say. I never did. My real dad was nice and easy to be with. The only problem was he was hardly ever around.
“I don’t want to see you with that little homo and his colored sister anymore, understand?”
I wanted to tell him off but kept my mouth shut.
His voice darkened. “This is the problem. I’m trying to carry on a pleasant conversation and you turn all silent and moody. See why I lose my cool with you.”
“Okay, whatever,” I said, immediately regretting using the word, “whatever,” because he hated it.
“I put a roof over your scrawny ass and you’re going to ‘whatever’ me.”
“Sorry, boss.” It’s what he liked me to call him. I hated it. It made me feel like that guy, Igor from Dracula who sucks up to him and eats bugs. Igor knows if he doesn’t call him Master, Count Dracula will kill him. I couldn’t sell out Tommy. Polar Bear would have to kill me before I did that. “It’s only that Tommy’s not gay. His sister is just a nice, little kid to me.”
Polar Bear moved his head around, his face tensing. His eyes stayed on the road.
“Don’t say another word to me. All these years and you haven’t learned nothing from me.” He snarled, “Don’t say one more word. I’ll knock those freckles off your face.”
I didn’t say anything, and I tried not to move. Five minutes of complete silence passed. We were almost to the pharmacy. “Are we going to stop to get my prescription?”
“Your hand isn’t even broken, you pussy.” He stepped on the gas, accelerating the cruiser to eighty miles per hour. “You’re always moaning like a little girl.” He went on. I tried not to listen. I thought my world without this idiot in it, how great it would be. I should have known that was too good to be true.
The house was quiet. The little ones were asleep. My mom was stretched out on the sofa. I nodded glumly as she gushed about how happy she was that Polar Bear and I were getting along. My stepdad put his massive arm around me. “Finn’s a good kid. He just got a little moody in the car. You know teenagers,” he said to my mother, broadcasting the smile on his face.
My mom’s easy smile faded, and suspicion flickered in her eyes until her eyes focused lovingly on me. She sat part-way up on the sofa, still wrapped in a fluffy blue throw. “Finn, they put a cast on your hand?”
Polar Bear corrected her. “It’s a splint.” It looked like he tasted something bitter. “His hand wasn’t even broken. Only a few knuckles were cracked,” he told her, finishing with a deep scowl, his eyes smoldering.
My mom said, “Oh, Finn that sounds painful.” Her lips pulled back from her teeth in a kind of grimace. “Take some Ibuprofen. It’s in the cabinet, honey. Reese dropped it off.”
I realized the more my mom loved me, the more Polar Bear despised me. “Okay, Mom.” I went to the kitchen. I could still feel my stepfather’s hatred for me. It grew into its own presence that followed me through the house.
The following day at school, Tommy still avoided his locker. I had to get my books and his in-between classes. Hailee kept glancing past me looking for Tommy. When she noticed his absence, she’d tossed her great mass of waves over her shoulder and gave me hard looks. I was catching all his slack.
After fifth hour, I just opened my locker when Hailee finally said what was on her mind. “You know, Tommy doesn’t have to avoid me. I’m not going to bother him.” Her voice cracked with emotion.
“Hailee, about that. Tommy got nervous about going to the dance. He’s going through a bunch of stuff, being a foster kid and all.”
Her voice was soft and caring. “I didn’t know he was in foster care.”
Now that I may have said too much, I might as well get him a date. “He likes you and wants to go to the dance.”
She nodded her head. “I’d go to the dance with him, but o
nly if he really wants to.”
“Yeah. He does.”
It seemed like another idea came to her. “Hey, is there any way you could go with Kelly? I know it’s last minute. She found out her Internet boyfriend catfished her. He was a fifty-year-old guy.” Hailee finished with a big smile.
“Kelly Santoni?” I had to double check because Kelly was super-hot.
“Yeah. She thinks you’re kind of cute. It would be a favor to me.”
“Sure, as a favor to you,” I smirked into my locker and grabbed my books. At least school was becoming a strange and interesting place.
Chapter 14
Infatuation
Tommy
Lockers were slamming, and other kids were laughing, shoving, flirting, caught in the end of the day mania, and I had never been a part of it before.
Hailee’s voice floated above the din of racket. “See you tonight.”
“See ya.” I watched her walk away, dangling on the hook of infatuation, when Finn tapped me on the shoulder, saying, “Ah, we got a bus to catch.”
“Yeah. Right.” I slammed my locker shut and began to walk with Finn.
Having hot dates for the dance provided us with a certain sense of clout I guess because the flow of bus riders seemed to make room to accommodate us. We eased down the hall past a huge banner stretched over the door reading, “The Freshmen Spring Fling.”
As usual, we grabbed seats next to one another, our legs stretched out, taking up the entire seat.
Seconds after, Silence and Annie approached us. Finn moved over for Silence. Annie sat in the seat across from mine and the atmosphere changed. Finn began pouting. Realizing I hadn’t considered Silence’s feelings for Finn, brought a small wave of guilt.
“What’s wrong?” Silence asked him, and softly punched him in the arm but misread his bad mood, warmly saying, “It really sucks about Polar Bear.” She paused and started talking again. “Hey, are we still going to meet up Saturday night? I have a surprise for you, for your birthday.” Silence had never sounded more enthusiastic.
Annie said something to me, but I missed it because I was eavesdropping.
I heard Finn telling Silence, “I’m going to be even older” More dramatically, he stated, “I’ll be fifteen!”
I tuned to see Silence grinning about it. “Yeah, so what, old man?” She shook her head at him. Moving on, she asked, “Hey, do you think Mudget will bother us this Saturday?” She sounded unsure and let her head flop on his shoulder. “We can’t let Mudget ruin our one night together.” She noticed me staring. “Are you coming, Tommy?”
I started to answer but Finn said, “You know you’re not my girlfriend.” He almost sounded a little annoyed as he added, “You’re too young. You shouldn’t even be meeting boys in the woods.”
Annie came and sat by me. We began to eavesdrop together.
Silence turned to face Finn, her eyes blazed. “I didn’t say I was your girlfriend.” She scooted over in the seat. She cracked her knuckles with loud snaps and looked at her fingernails, trying to appear nonchalant, but couldn’t stop herself from looking back at him and saying, “I’m through with you. You’re such an idiot!”
Annie asked me, “What’s up with them?”
“Silence is too young and Finn’s too immature. But they got it bad for each other,” I whispered.
“You’re smart, Tommy,” Annie said, with warm, agreeing eyes. There was a purple streak in her hair. I gently tugged it. “I really want to dye all my hair purple. Embrace my inner weirdness. That way, it won’t bother me when people say I’m weird,” she explained. “I’m only allowed to do this for now.”
“I like it.” Her eyes were a little puffy and her skin was blotchy like she had been crying at some point during the day. I didn’t know people picked on her. It pissed me off. “Annie, you’re the best kind of weird, like Luna Lovegood weird.”
“That’s the nicest thing anyone ever said to me.” She glowed.
Silence and Finn didn’t speak or look at one another for the remainder of the bus ride, but still shared the same seat.
Annie gave me a poster she made for Earth Day. It was the solar system, made out of coffee filters and watercolors.
“Thanks,” I said. It was probably the single coolest thing anyone had given me. I got excited about it. “I’m obsessed with solar system.” I dug into my backpack and pulled out my spiral notebook for econ. class. I doodled stars, a half moon, and even Saturn. “Saturn’s pretty dope,” I said.
Annie’s mouth dropped partway, amazed. “Saturn’s my favorite planet!”
My mind flashbacked to Chicago. “Our last apartment was cool because I could sit out on the fire escape and look at the stars when I was feeling crappy.”
“You’d get depressed?” Annie asked.
“Nah, I just felt a little dead inside.”
After a beat, Annie decided, “That’s because you hadn’t met us yet.”
I started to smile, as Silence unexpectedly hovered over our seat, saying, “Come on, Annie.” Her eyes landed on me. It was already the girl’s stop. “You said you were going to help me, Tommy. The Scoobies remember?”
The kidnappings. The murdered woman. “I will,” I said, but how?
Silence rolled her eyes, disappointed but not surprised, and continued down the aisle toward her exit, with Annie behind her. Only Annie turned back before getting off the bus and we exchanged a goodbye wave and I experienced a second wave of guilt, more powerful than the first.
I started thinking, what if Polar Bear wasn’t the kidnapper? I had no other suspects. And what if Polar Bear was guilty? How could I prove it? It left a stirring in my gut. Then it was our stop. The bus door squeaked open and let out a hiss. We walked off the bus and cut through Finn’s yard in direction of my house.
I stepped over Finn’s brother’s Big Wheel, as he looked back at me. “I don’t even know if I want to go tonight.”
I had to shift gears back to the dance. The truth was, even though I felt like a schmuck, I still wanted him to go to this thing. “Come on, you did tell Silence she wasn’t your girlfriend. It means you’re off the hook and Kelly’s hot.” I couldn’t show up to this thing alone. I couldn’t cancel again. I’d be a complete freak.
Finn thought about it. “Yeah, Kelly’s hot.”
“I’ll get Holden or Reese to drop us off at eight, okay?”
He rubbed his chin, milling it over before he started talking. “Well, Tommy, if you really think it’s okay, I’ll go to the dance. I mean, Silence is special to me.”
We both stopped walking, standing in front of my first stair. “I know. She’s special to me, too. But she’s twelve and we’re just going to hang out and have fun.”
A smile slowly appeared on Finn’s face.
I had sold it. Sometimes, I didn’t know what was wrong with me.
Chapter 15
Silence
Finn
Tommy went inside to talk to Reese and I sat on the porch, waiting. Silence was again in my head. I didn’t fight it. I willingly drifted back to the first time I laid eyes on Silence Harper. It was a memory I frequented.
She was mounted on the baseball field. At first glance, I thought she was some pretty boy or a fierce girl. Her blond hair was cut short. She wore a plain black T-shirt and jeans that were ripped at the knees. Her green eyes squinted back at me, clenching the bat like she knew what she was doing.
“What’s your name?” I called out, trying to figure out if she was a girl.
“Silence!” she called back. I thought she was telling me to shut up.
I pushed, “C’mon, just tell me your name.”
With a small, but high-wattage grin, she told me, “Just throw the ball.”
I was striking out players all day. She had this certain kind of stance, which made you think she could handle anything that was thrown at her. I pitched a fastball. She hit it out of the park. I had it bad for her as soon as I saw her hit that ball.
The fr
ont door opened, and I turned around and looked at Tommy. “Well? What did Reese say?”
His frown slowly turned into a smile. “We’re going to the dance.”
Just then, Polar Bear’s cruiser screeched up. The sight of it felt like a smack in the face. He wasn’t supposed to be home for hours. I remembered how he ordered me to stay away from Tommy. I sprang to my feet, and whispered “Later,” hurrying over to my lawn, trying to appear casually innocent. Polar Bear got out of the car with Mudget.
The three of us met up in front of the house.
Mudget’s face looked bruised and battered and his bangs suffered a blunt cut from a recent trim. My eyes darted between my stepdad and Mudget. The irritation of seeing them both made my face grow warm.
“Hey, boss, I thought you were still at work,” I said.
“I bet you did.” Polar Bear wore an acidic grin as he glanced over at Tommy, who surveyed the situation from his yard. My stepdad’s eyes shifted back to Mudget. “I was trying to get this idiot back in school.”
I again looked at Mudget. One of his eyes looked like a small blue hill. He squinted at me with his good eye until I looked down. I had messed him up good.
“What do you have to say, idiot?” Polar Bear prompted Mudget, roughly grabbing him by his collar.
“I ain’t gonna kill you,” he mumbled, his tongue shot out, while he licked his pepper red lips again and again. It was what he did when he was nervous, or in trouble.
Polar Bear looked mildly annoyed. “Say it like you mean it, you little moron.”
“Sorry I wanted to kill you!” his voice sounded high and artificial. Again, his tongue fired out as if he were a toad feasting on his own lip.
“You’re hopeless,” Polar Bear said and letting go of Mudget’s collar, pushing him and causing him to stagger backward. “If anyone does any killing around here, it’s going to be me. Understand, boys?”