Deviant Fixation

by Valencia Carmelita

  The vicious words he's hurled at me for the past twenty minutes were too agonizing to listen to. "I didn't mean to taint your honour baba, I swear I'm very sorry."

  "Don't refer to me as your baba! Don't you ever think of contacting Bilal! You hear me ?! Don't you dare show up to see him!!" He warns in rage. "Bilal is no longer your brother! You are as good as dead for us !"

  "Noo! Please! Baba!" I cry. "Don't say such things."

  "I've banned the Academy from allowing you in or any phone calls from you to Bilal! Don't ever contact us again!" With that enraged concluding statement, he ends the call.

  "No please!!" I beg.

  I continue re-dialling him but apparently he's switched off his cell phone since my call redirects straight to voicemail. Immediately, I dial Leila and she picks up after the sixth ring.

  Her voice groggy from sleep becomes alert as soon as she hears me. "Oh my Allah, Sanam !! Where the heck are you ?!"

  She listens to what I have to say for the first ten minutes and then asks. "What did baba say ?"

  "He doesn't believe me, but do you ?" I query, sniffling.

  "Ofcourse I believe you! Had I not visited you, I probably wouldn't have believed you about Imran but I saw that ásshole Imran's behavior on the nikkah day. I believe you Sanam. I just never thought things could go so bad and so quick !" Leila's gentle tone brings me some form of comfort.

  "Baba won't allow me to see or talk to Bilal." I divulge. "Please get him to change his mind !"

  "I did plead to him as soon as he went under the suspicion that you must have eloped with strange men, because that's what Imran told him including Imran's other friends. Baba took their words because it was too many witnesses!" Leila explains frantically. "Now everyone in the community knows, word gets around fast! They are saying the most awful things about you!"

  "What did they say ?" I query with suspicion as my heart sinks further.

  "They said they saw you flee with supposedly with two white men." Leila replies incredulously. "Now I certainly know those are major lies against you, baba may believe them but you and I have grown up together, and you're one of the most modest girls I know! You my little sister, have never flirted with guys and have always dressed modestly! Don't even own a phone to text guys. I could never believe such slanders against you!"

  "I..." My voice trails off in a momentary awkward and guilty surprise before recovering "I'm not living with men! I’ve done nothing haraam of the sort! I'm living with a very kind and sweet lady and her children."

  Why the heck am I feeling guilty when I have done nothing of the sort they accuse me of ?!

  I guess this mild shame is the result of not conceding to the fact that I did flee with men, Serge and Grigori to be exact.

  But Imran's trouble making friends left out the fact that a girl accompanied those guys, Bev!

  "But where are you residing right now ? And what is her name? And how did you find her?" Leila's worried questions obstruct my miffed thoughts.

  "I'm sorry but as I've said before such information is confidential for the lady's sake, you must understand that." I state solemnly. "Maybe I can tell you in the future, but not right now."

  Leila exhales a frustrated sigh before finally giving in. "Alright, alright. And to answer your question regarding Bilal, I'm unable to persuade baba about you and if I keep pushing him then he will forbid me from contact with Bilal as well."

  My shoulders slump in dejection as I ponder over what she has just stated. "Leila, just keep me informed about how's he doing, okay?"

  "Alright I will, he does miss you a lot and I'll let him know you're fine. I wish you could write him letters in the mail but the academy is strict, they check with the parents every mail the students receive." She divulges another fact that only increases my emotional grief.

  "Tell him I miss him as well and make excuses for me till I eventually find a way to see him again." My voice cracks as silent tears trail down my cheek.

  "I will, just be careful Sanam!" Leila implores I knew she was having a difficult time offering me words of deeper comfort. She wasn’t adjusted to filling in that role unlike mom.

  "Don't worry over me, you're pregnant and you shouldn't be worrying." I plead earnestly.

  The phone call ends and I sprawl forward onto the carpet of the guest bedroom, allowing myself to weep quietly over my babas horrible words.

  .Glossary:

  "Kaffir" is Arabic term for disbeliever or infidel or someone who chooses to conceal the truth after knowing it.

  . "Haraam" is Arabic term for forbidden or unlawful illegal.

  Chapter 11

  'No! Please stop !' My begs escape with stuttering sobs. I am continuously pummelled violently against the wall. 'Please Imran stop! P-please !!'

  My body is no longer able to move on my command, I am far too bruised to defend myself from the merciless blows aimed at me.

  Fresh blood gushes from my nose and lips. The red initiates with trickles, flows and drips.

  I shriek as my hair begins to soak with blood spilling forth from torn scalp.

  My mind is reeling from the onslaught of agony coursing through my veins.

  'Fuckin shut that mouth you ugly bitch!' He grunts and yanks my hair back, dragging me by it up the stairs.

  I scream out for anyone to save me, and spot the laughing face of my mother in law, Razia Mirza.

  'Into the closet with such worthless filth.' She cackles, her eyes flare with joy. ' That's my boy, you make your mother proud !'

  'No please don't do this' I sob through my blurred vision. My chipped tremulous hands grasp on to his sleeves. 'Please don't lock me in the dark, please!'

  He fists my hair, tosses me back hard against the wall in the closet. My head collides with a deafening bang. My eyes blur by the stream of blood trailing down my forehead.

  A wave of vertigo washes over me. Series of tormented screams escape my lips. My body spasms in shock. I convulse in anguished pain. I throw my fists against the locked door relentlessly.

  The skin on my knuckles is scraped into a bloodied mess.

  The door is yanked open and I fall to his feet.

  'I finally got you ...' A monstrous thick voice rumbles.

  My head snaps up to meet none other than Hamdard's bulging face instead.

  I crawl desperately away from him. But he manages to snatch me by the collar.

  I'm tossed across the floor as he emotionlessly stomps over. His meaty grip pulls at my pants.

  'Noooo please don't do this stoppp please stoppp!!!' I scream, shoving my bloodied hands at his chest. I attempt to kick at him.

  'But I just wanna have some fun!' He pouts, yanking my blouse. ' Sanam ! Sanam ! ?'

  "-Sanam!? Sanam wake up !" A familiar female voice intrudes.

  "Please help me!" I weep in complete torment. "Don't let him rape me! Please don't!!"

  "Sanam it's just a dream!" Cool soft hands take ahold of my face.

  My eyes flutter open in shock.

  Rachael is peering down at me, overly concerned.

  I throw a frantic glimpse at my setting. I'm in her guest bedroom instead of the Mirza's residence.

  "Shhh it's just a dream, dear just a bad dream..." She gently rephrases as she helps me to a sitting position.

  Instinctively my hands flutter up to my face, contacting hot moisture. I was crying again from that usual horrid nightmare.

  "Here.." Rachael hands me tissue from the bedside table. She continues staring at me with obvious worry. "Don't cry dear, it was just a bad dream."

  I slump forward, my mind reeling from emotional pain. "I-It feels s-so real.." I whisper more to myself than to her.

  She brushes aside the hair from my sweaty forehead, tilting my chin up with her soft fingers. "You can answer this only if you want to..is this a reoccurring dream?"

  I exhale a tremulous sigh and nod in affirmation. She then asks "You don't have to answer this either..is it related to some past incident ?"

 
; Mortifying images flash through my mind of Imran's ruthless abuse and the aversive incident with Hamdard.

  An outward chilling shudder rocks my body. Instantly, I draw my knees against my chest. Trepidation creeps upon my soul. I begin to silently weep.

  "P-please I don't wanna talk about it.."

  "Oh honey." Rachael's tone fills with compassion as she wraps her arms around me. "So terribly sorry! I shouldn't have asked that."

  Without saying anything, I continue to sob. And she remains comforting me. "Shhh everything will be fine shhh, don't cry shhhh."

  My thoughts are muddled with the aching events of the past month.

  What's going on with me?

  What's happening to my life ?

  Everything spiralled downhill after mom's passing. Life feels unworthy to live for anymore.

  How can I go on like this?

  Abruptly, My bedside alarm clock sets off. I lost track of how long we've remained in such a state as we pull apart. I wipe at my glistening eyes, glancing at the clock-5:50am.

  I'm reminded instantly, I had set the alarm for my morning prayer.

  Prayer...

  Why aren't you listening to my prayers ??

  My mind pleads inwardly at Allah.

  Why can't you give me a sign ?

  I'm so torn inside...

  I'm not strong enough for all of this!

  "Are you alright? Shall I press snooze ?" Rachael's voice obstructs me from my clashing thoughts.

  I stare at her blankly, not understanding her question.

  "Sanam?"

  "Hmm?" I blink at her in confusion.

  She rephrases slowly while staring me squarely in the eyes. "Your alarm is beeping..you want me to press snooze or just turn it off fully ?"

  "Oh!" My mind snaps in realization as voice lets out raspy, thickened from grief. "Oh yes, yes please turn it off ..."

  She does just that as stands upright while addressing me. "Would you like something to eat or drink?"

  My eyes dart towards my folded prayer rug atop my duffel and I answer " I need to wash up for my prayer first and I'll be downstairs.."

  "Alright, take your time dear." She squeezes my shoulder with one hand assuringly, before pivoting around towards the door.

  "Wait." I stall her. She pauses with her hand on the doorknob as she glances expectantly at me. "I'm sorry if I woke you up with my ruckus.."

  Her features relax and she smiles faintly. "No worries dear, I'm up at this time some days rechecking my files and I normally head to work in two hours so not a biggie!"

  I nod my head in solemn gratitude. "Thank you.."

  She shakes her head, flicking her wrist dismissively. "Again with such formalities! You don't always have to thank me Sanam."

  ◆◆◆

  Throughout breakfast Rachael equips me on details of the schedule and things I'd need to take care of Charlie while she's away at work.

  "I'll return home briefly in the afternoon to drop off Arielle from school." She explains as her personal chauffeur, David holds open the limo door for her. "Nora the chef will arrive in the afternoon to prepare lunch, so no need to tire yourself in the kitchen dear, just relax and keep a watch on Charlie."

  "Sure no problem." I assure her while rocking Charlie in my arms.

  "Oh and before I leave.." Rachael trails off as a reminder dawns on her expression. She reaches in her purse, fishing out an iPhone and holds it to me. "Here take this, your own phone. My Number and all the immediate family contact numbers are fixed into it, that's yours to keep."

  I stare at her in alarm, shaking my head in denial. "No..I can't accept such an expensive gift.I could use the home phone?"

  "Please, don't argue me over this." She persists, her tone shifting sternly. "In case of emergencies."

  I suppose she has a valid reason. It’s impossible to drag the landline phone outside of the home. For the sake of the children, I decide I should take it. Ofcourse I'm feeling the guilt for her having to pay now extra phone expenses.

  "Thanks." I express my gratitude as I clutch the phone from her. She smiles and kisses Charlie on the cheeks before sliding into the limo after Arielle.

  As soon as the limo departs down the road, Harry the security guard ushers Charlie and I back into the home.

  A sense of unease slinks over me when Harry throws a very suspicious look in my direction. We stroll inside and he bolts the door.

  "You are not allowed to leave the premises till Rachael arrives." He addresses me gruffly.

  "Err.." I trail off as I give him a sideways glance of confusion. "That's already been affirmed with Rachael, so you don't need to remind me."

  "I'm keeping an eye on you." He scowls openly. "Don't try any tricks."

  My brows crease in annoyance.

  Is this guy kidding me ?

  Perhaps Harry isn't aware of my involvement in rescuing Arielle from Rachael's enemies. Otherwise he wouldn't categorize me as a person of suspicion.

  A shake of my head in disbelief is the only answer he receives. I turn away, carrying Charlie up to his room.

  Two dragging hours pass by and Charlie practically drives me nuts. I had no idea the kid would be this hard to handle. Extremely talkative and active both in body and imagination.

  But I allow myself the pretend act of his age, playing along with his toys. Just so this would stall him from drawing on the walls with crayons. Or climbing atop drawers and tossing objects around and worst yet, crying into fits.

  Currently, he's in the middle of introducing his imaginary friends. I'm inwardly reminded about the cigarette lighter I discovered in his pocket a day ago.

  "Where's your friend Louis ?" I ask lightly as we are stacking little toy Lego blocks atop each other. "Why isn't he here with the rest of your friends?"

  Too immersed in stacking his blocks, he gurgles an answer out. "Louis dozzen like other peepos.."

  "He doesn't like other people ?" I rephrase and he merely nods. Then I press on. "Why not ?"

  "He likes me n Arielle" Charlie hiccups.

  "Does he visit you all the time?" I question amusingly.

  Charlie shakes his head in denial and brings up his tiny fist. "Rawwwr imma giant brokin your home!" He knocks my block tower into pieces.

  "Oh nooo." I feign an appalled expression before asking him. "So when does Louis visit you?"

  "Rhoooom!" Charlie sputters as he shoves a toy truck against the rest of my blocks. "Rhooom ! Rhoooom!"

  I heave a sigh before reinvestigating him. "When does Louis visit you?"

  He peers at me shyly and holds up one finger. I raise a brow "oh only once?"

  Charlie nods and I continue my interrogation "So will he not visit again?"