by Lisa Suzanne
Dustin and Tyler seem to edge in a little closer to me. I’m sure it’s because they want to protect both of us but fuck him.
My irrational anger is his fault. He had me worried, and I’m lashing out at him for putting me in the position of fearing for him and for me and for us.
“Something wrong with your phone?” Karl asks, and I’m grateful for his question since it helps break up the tension of me yelling at him.
This isn’t something any of us are used to. Usually I take a backseat to whatever Tommy does. A few weeks ago, I might’ve even found this situation funny. But today...I didn’t.
And maybe that’s a sign that I’m starting to grow up...and not just up, but also away from Tommy.
He pulls it out of his pocket. “Dead,” he says. “Forgot to plug the fucker in last night before these two chicks came at me.” He thrusts his hips back and forth and holds his hand up in the air while he sticks his tongue out. “Know what I mean?”
“Can we just get on the road now?” Dustin asks as he and Tyler both roll their eyes at Tommy and his stupid antics.
I don’t want to get on a bus for the next five hours with him, but I don’t have a choice.
He goes right for his bedroom, bypassing both Hannah and Chance, who he physically steps over, without a second glance, and a little dart of anger plants itself in my chest.
These little darts are starting to add up, and I’m not looking forward to the time when it all becomes too much and they fire off on Tommy. I’ve gotten close to hitting him twice now, but both times we had others around to stop me. What happens when they’re not there?
Once we’re on the road and Hannah and I are sitting on the couch watching Chance, she quietly asks, “What held him up?”
“Apparently two women.”
She raises both brows and diverts her gaze from me to the floor where Chance is playing with some toy that has buttons and lights and sounds.
“What?” I demand, and my tone is a little snider than I want it to be. She doesn’t deserve my anger, but it’s there anyway.
“Was that...how you were, too?”
I purse my lips. Yeah, it was, but I was never almost an hour late for bus call. “Does it matter?” I mutter.
“I guess not. What about his phone?” she asks.
“He forgot to charge it.”
She shakes her head. “Perfect storm.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“You okay?” she asks.
No, I’m not. I can’t believe how much Tommy being late affected me just now.
It’s stupid, and I overreacted, and now I’m overreacting even more because of how that made me feel.
I wish I could be open enough to share those thoughts with Hannah. This is a girl I’m starting to have really strong feelings for, and you’re supposed to share and communicate with someone like that...right?
All that sounds like a lot of work. She doesn’t recognize my pain yet. She can’t read my signals. If we’re really meant to be together, shouldn’t she just know this stuff intrinsically? And it’s not just that. She doesn’t want to know this shit. It’s too much on someone who has already been through...well, too much.
This is where I start to sabotage what we’re starting before we really even get it off the ground.
Instead of confessing my real feelings, I just say, “Yeah, I’m fine.”
CHAPTER 37: HANNAH
He’s retreating just like I knew he would. He’s told me he self-sabotages, so I’ve been waiting for the signals.
This is it.
I draw in a deep breath. Either I let him sabotage what we’re starting by running away or he’s going to be mad I’m pressing. Both choices leave a lot to be desired, but at least this way I can try to get to the bottom of what he’s feeling. “Don’t give me that,” I say softly. “I know you’re not fine.”
His brows shoot up in surprise as he draws his gaze from the window to my eyes.
I tilt my head. “You can tell me what’s bothering you. Sometimes it even helps to unload it.”
He just stares silently at me a beat, so I add more.
“I know this is you pulling away, Brett.” I reach over and grab his hand. “And I won’t let it happen. Not when we had such a good day yesterday and such a good morning today.”
He sighs and squeezes my hand before he diverts his eyes to the window again. “You know, I was just sitting here debating whether or not to talk. I took the easy route.” He glances at me quickly before looking out the window again, but the little bit of wonder in his eyes didn’t escape me in that quick glance. “But somehow you knew that.”
I nod. “I like you, Brett,” I say softly. “And Chance likes you. And as scary as that is, and as terrified as I am, I finally turned a corner. Life goes on. She told me that all the damn time, and I deserve to be happy. I want to put in the work with you, but I can’t do it alone.”
He presses his lips together and nods. “I just...I don’t know.” He shakes his head. “I got anxious when he was late.” He jabs a thumb toward the bedroom where Tommy is now. “My mind went to the worst.”
I press my lips together. “I get that. Believe me.”
His fingers tighten over mine, and his eyes move to our joined hands. “I know you do. And that’s why I was hesitant to unload that onto you.”
I draw in a deep breath and let it out slowly, mainly because a little bit of anger pulses in my chest at his words and I don’t want to pop off with words I can’t take back. “I can handle it.”
“I’m not suggesting you can’t. But maybe it was my way of protecting you.”
I shake my head and purse my lips. “Don’t do that. Don’t you dare blame my history for pulling back from me.”
He stares at me with surprise, and then he blinks. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Don’t let it happen again.”
He chuckles. “I think I like this side of you. Can you bring her out again but when we’re naked?”
I can’t help my laugh at that. He leans in for a quick, soft kiss that only serves to set off fireworks in my head, and then we enjoy the quiet five hours toward Detroit without a peep from Tommy’s room.
In the span of the next ten days, we tour the Midwest with seven more concerts. I take pictures at all of them, and if we stay at a hotel we always find time for just the two of us and we enjoy cheese danish on balconies each morning after as we bask in the glow of growing closer. And as we grow closer, the divide seems to widen between Brett and Tommy, but he makes no mention of it.
We continue on the road through two stops in Pennsylvania and Washington DC, and then onto North Carolina and finally into Florida, where we’ll stay for nearly a week with three different stops in Fort Lauderdale, Tampa, and Miami.
Bus call from Tampa to Miami is shortly after the Tampa show since we’ll be in Miami for two nights. It’s a short, four-hour drive and since it’s happening overnight, we’re sleeping on the bus. The guys have a mid-morning radio interview in Miami along with a fan meet that’s taking place in the studio, so we need to get there in time for that.
Tommy has basically ignored my presence unless I’m in his way, which feels pretty often given the size of our bus. Brett has assured me Tommy likes me and holds nothing against me, but it feels like there’s more to it.
It feels like I’m coming between brothers. It’s not why I’m here, and it’s not in any way what I intended. I didn’t mean to fall down this path where I developed real feelings for this guy. In fact, I wanted little to do with him before I met him...but I was stuck. Not telling him about his kid was never really an option for me, and just handing over Chance wasn’t, either.
We’re on the back half of the tour now. The band has played nineteen shows. There are only eighteen more to go, and then it’s over.
And then what?
I still don’t have the answer to that question. I’m too terrified to ask, but I’m sure it’s been on both o
ur minds even though it’s not something either of us has brought up.
Will Capital Kingsmen continue to employ me as their photographer? Will Brett still want to figure out how to make this work once there’s distance between us? Will he invite me to Los Angeles to have a home base somewhere closer to him? And what will I do there? I don’t have a degree. I have interests, and I have hobbies...and I have Chance.
I keep thinking optimistically that somehow we’ll figure out how to make this work even when we’re not on tour, but those negative thoughts still manage to edge their way in every now and then. What if he takes Chance and ends things with me? Where will that leave me?
Back in my apartment in Phoenix...except now without my classes, without my bartending job, and without my sister and her son?
It’s a real possibility that I have to prepare for.
Because after all, there are zero examples in my past where I didn’t end up abandoned by the people I loved most at the time.
First my parents.
Then my sister.
I still have Chance, and I cling tightly to him at every turn even though he’s technically not mine to cling to.
And now there’s a new person on the list who’s starting to fill the role of someone I love.
I just don’t know how I’ll pick myself up and move forward if Brett Pitzer leaves me in the dust like all the others have.
CHAPTER 38: HANNAH
I shake Brett awake when I see the time on the clock. “You need to get moving for your interview.”
“Shit,” he mutters, and then he slowly rolls out of bed and grabs his jeans.
“Did you sleep well?” I ask.
He shrugs and yawns, and it appears he’s not yet awake enough for a conversation.
He grabs his shirt and heads to the front cabin presumably for some coffee and breakfast, and I get dressed then get Chance dressed since he woke up as I was shimmying into my jeans.
When Chance and I get up there, though, the bus is already empty. And that leaves me feeling a little empty since Brett took off without so much as a goodbye, let alone a kiss.
I’m sure it’s nothing. I’m sure I’m overreacting.
But I don’t like it.
A short while later, Amanda and I meet up on Danielle’s bus with the kids for a little girl bonding time.
“So how’s it going with Brett?” Danielle asks.
We’ve had such a grueling travel schedule the last few weeks that we really haven’t had much time to just sit and gab.
I offer a smile. “Good. Really good.” Even though he didn’t say goodbye this morning.
I feel like it’s petty to harp on it, but it’s a strange way to start the morning. I’m not going to bring it up with the girls since it’s nothing, but it feels a bit like a loose thread that someone’s just starting to pull.
Amanda bounces Maya on her knee. “Have you two talked about what’s going to happen when the tour’s over?”
I shake my head as my smile falters a bit. “Um...no.”
Amanda and Danielle exchange a look.
“What?” I ask, and I don’t mean for my voice to sound as desperate as it does.
“Nothing,” Amanda says quickly. “Just...it’s a different world when tour’s over. They get a little down and it takes some time to readjust to normal life again. Then they’re usually back in studio right away and it’s new and different things pulling their attention away.”
Danielle nods. “Honestly, tour’s the best because you get pretty much unlimited time together. But it’s also the worst because...well, you get pretty much unlimited time together.”
They both giggle as if they both get the meaning, but I can’t muster up a laugh at that.
“I like getting to know him, and I haven’t gotten tired of being around him yet...so that’s all good, right?” I ask.
“Absolutely,” Danielle says. “And just his change in demeanor, too. It’s clear he’s smitten with you, but it’s more than that. He gets a little serious around you. He’s always been so...”
“Immature?” Amanda interjects, guessing at her meaning. “Volatile? Vulgar? Disgusting?”
Danielle finally puts an end to Amanda’s rather offensive labels. “Flippant.”
“I don’t know what that means,” Amanda admits.
“You know, like just not serious,” Danielle says. “Kind of disrespectful or irreverent, usually pretty sarcastic, sort of an I don’t give a crap attitude.”
“Yep,” Amanda nods. “That’s him to a T.”
“And he’s not like that now?” I ask.
“He’s strapping the Bumbo to a chair before you ask him to. He’s picking up Chance before you do. He’s stopped calling him the kid and has started using his name. And with you...” Danielle trails off, and she shrugs. “He’s not just taking you to the back alley behind some bar to have a good time.”
I wrinkle my nose. “What if I want him to?”
They both glance over at me with surprise, and my cheeks warm with color.
“What?” I ask. “Can’t a girl want a little adventure?”
Danielle raises a brow. “He’s not giving you adventure?”
I hold up a hand as I realize how my words might be misconstrued. “Don’t get me wrong. It’s been incredible.” I shake my head as I make the comparison from Brett to my ex. There’s no comparison to be made. It’s a man with experience and skills versus a boy with none of those things.
Since we’re having girl talk, I’m going to assume nothing’s off limits and I just go for it. “He has been incredible. He makes sure I’m taken care of, if you know what I mean.”
“But there’s no adventure?” Amanda asks.
I lift a shoulder. “You know how it is. You hear rumors about things. I’ve just always heard he was known for his escapades, and the stories always made me think he’s just so passionate that he couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel and had to have his girl right then and there, wherever that was. But with me, he always waits to get me back to the hotel. He waits for privacy.”
“And you think that means he’s not as passionate about you as he was with the others?” Danielle guesses.
I shrug then nod as my lips twist a little and more heat creeps into my cheeks.
Danielle and Amanda exchange another glance, and then Danielle says, “Honey, I’ve gotten to know him fairly well, and I think what you’re seeing as a bad thing is his way of showing you how much he cares. You’re worth more than a quick screw behind a bar. He wants to protect what the two of you have and he values your privacy. He didn’t care about that stuff with the others because they didn’t mean anything to him. But you do.”
She points a finger at me, and I clutch my chest where she’s pointing.
“I do?” I ask, and then I amend it with a little more confidence as I jut out my chin. She’s right. This morning was a fluke. I’m sure there’s an explanation, and he’ll give it to me when he gets back. “I do.”
When they get back, Tommy and Brett walk onto the bus with boisterous laughter. Tommy’s smile fades when he spots me sitting with Chance on the couch in the front cabin, and he presses his lips together and nods at Brett before he makes his way to his bedroom.
“He hates me,” I say softly to Brett.
“No he doesn’t,” he says, and his tone is exasperated.
“Then what was that?” I ask.
Brett heaves out a breath. “That was my best friend being reminded that he’s the lone single guy left in a band where we started out as four single guys hitting the bars and trolling for women. It’s a reminder that he’s the only one of the four of us who doesn’t have a kid. He’s the only one who doesn’t have a woman in his life. He’s the only one who keeps filling that empty place with women and drugs and shit that doesn’t make any damn difference.”
“Oh,” I say softly. “I’m sorry.”
“I’d like it if you didn’t keep assuming he hates you just because you’re here,” h
e says thickly.
I nod. I feel like a child being reprimanded.
“And you should also know that very shortly, some photos will be hitting the media that look very compromising. They’re old photos and I can’t control what I did in the past.”
“Photos?” I ask, my brows dipping.
“I don’t need to defend my history to you,” he says, and now he’s both exasperated and a little snide.
I hold up both hands. “When did I ask you to? Why are you jumping to the defensive?”
I know the answer to that. Because you just spent the morning with Tommy and he’s trying to poison you against me.
I don’t say that, though. Obviously.
“I don’t want to get into it.” He stalks through the bus, and I wish we could just start this day completely over. Before he disappears through the door, he leaves a few words behind him. “Besides, it’s not like you and me are in a committed relationship.”
I have a feeling this is him bracing for whatever comes next. He’s throwing up defense mechanisms and he’s protecting himself as he works his ass off to deliberately destroy what we’re building. Tears pinch behind my eyes, but I won’t cry in front of Chance.
Instead...I guess I just need to start bracing myself, too.
CHAPTER 39: BRETT
I stay in the bedroom until it’s time to emerge for soundcheck. I listen to music as loudly as my noise-cancelling headphones allow, but the loud metal music does nothing to block out my thoughts.
I shouldn’t have blown up at Hannah. She didn’t deserve it.
But this is all happening too fast for me.
I never wanted kids. I never wanted a relationship.
But Tommy oh-so-kindly reminded me this morning before I even left the bus that I jumped headfirst into both, so I guess my automatic and rather ingrained response was to push back on that shit.
He ushered me off the bus before I got the chance to tell her I was leaving, and in the car on the way to the radio station, he reminded me how much I’ve given up.
I’ve barely smoked a blunt since the night she walked into our meet and greet. I haven’t gotten really good and fucked up since around that time, either. I haven’t fucked a random woman in a random location in months.