by Kate Swain
He grinned. “That sounds good. Thanks, Amelia.”
I looked up from where I poured some instant coffee into a mug I’d left out this morning. His eyes met mine, hesitantly. He looked awkward. I felt my heart reach for him.
“It’s okay if you stay with me, right? You will come?” he asked. “It’ll only be a few days. And I’ll be careful.”
I nodded. “I want to,” I said. “I trust you.”
His shoulders slumped with relief. “Thank you,” he said.
I felt my heart twist. I finished making our coffee, then handed him a mug, holding mine up as if it were a glass of wine. “Thank you,” I said.
His eyes held mine, and I felt my heart. I couldn’t help it. I knew that it was for the best that we stopped our physical interactions, but all the same, I wanted more.
We drank our coffee in silence.
“We can go back to my house now,” he said softly. “I brought the car.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I’ll pack up.”
“Good.”
I went through to the bathroom to grab my makeup and other toiletries. I took my nightie and put them both into my small suitcase, which already housed most of the clothes I’d been using for work. I still hadn’t unpacked after living at Tanya’s small apartment. I went to the living room, suitcase in hand.
“You’re so fast,” he said, sounding impressed. “I take ages packing, even for weekend getaways.”
I raised a brow. “I hadn’t taken anything out of the suitcase.”
He looked upset. “This must have been hard,” he said gently. “The last month, I mean.”
I looked away. “Yes,” I said. “It has been.”
I felt like he had finally started to see things from my point of view, and the thought touched me deeply. I swallowed hard.
“Come on,” I said lightly. “We should go. I’ll turn off the lights.”
“Yeah,” Carter nodded. “Let me take something,” he added, reaching for my suitcase. Our fingers touched. I felt a sharp tingle at the impact. He looked into my eyes, and I could see the confusion on his face.
“We’ll have to hurry,” I said, looking away quickly, “or we won’t get much sleep. Work starts at seven.”
He chuckled as I walked down the steps ahead of him. “Yeah,” he called, and his voice sounded lighter. “Something like that.”
I reached his car. He was right behind me, handing me the keys for the apartment.
“Thanks,” I said.
He nodded and, wordlessly, unlocked the car. We both got in and, in a tentative silence that spoke of uncertainty, feeling, and the hesitant beginning of mutual trust, we drove through town towards his place.
21
Carter
I lifted a bowl from the sink, scrubbing at it with a sponge absentmindedly. In the bathroom, which was midway between my bedroom and the guest-room, I could hear the shower running, and I shut my eyes, imagining Amelia under the shower, stark naked and soaked.
Her pale skin would be covered with droplets, I imagined, the water cascading down her chest, running between her breasts, dripping from her belly and down those sweet legs. I felt my body respond eagerly to the image, and it was all I could do to stay where I was in the kitchen rather than entering the shower with her.
“Stop it, Carter,” I told myself harshly. “She said no.”
She didn’t want sexual contact between us anymore. She had decided that she was staying here on the grounds that we didn’t touch each other. She trusted me to keep my word, and, so far, I’d done so. The temptation was greater every day, but I’d withstood it up until now.
“And you know you can do it for as long as she needs.”
I reminded myself of that as I finished washing the breakfast dishes and putting them away. Having Amelia here meant more to me than satisfying myself, however much I wanted to. I heard my phone make a beep or two and reached for it. It was just a notification from the post-office and an email.
I was glad it was nothing from Tex.
I still worried sometimes about Luke coming back to find her. Tex had promised to check on her old apartment once a day, just to make sure nobody was keeping their eye on it. I wasn’t the sort to leave stuff to chance.
Since Amelia had moved in a week ago, though, I’d started to feel better—more relaxed. We’d managed to sort things out in a way that suited us both, and since she’d moved in, I’d had less reason to worry about her. As long as I was here, she was safe.
I checked through the cupboard and realized that there wasn’t anything to cook. I contemplated the alternatives: I could either go to the grocery store now, or I could order something.
“It’s late.”
It was almost nine p.m., and I was hungry. I was sure Amelia was too. Besides, even though Amelia said she hadn’t heard from Luke, I was still not happy to leave her alone, even in my house.
“I’ll order pizza,” I shouted into the bathroom. The sound of water had stopped. The door was shut.
“Sure! Thanks. It’s my turn to buy dinner, isn’t it?” a voice yelled cheerily from the spare room.
“No, it isn’t,” I said stubbornly. “You can take tomorrow’s dinner.”
“I’ll make you stick to that, mister.”
I laughed and rang the pizza restaurant, still smiling as I called. I knew what she liked by now—she always ordered Four Cheeses. I placed her order without asking and added a Margherita pizza for me. Then I went to the living room to wait. The sky beyond the windows was dark. I felt tired—it was a long workday.
“It’s getting cold already,” a voice said from the door. I turned around.
Amelia was in the doorway, dressed in a loose t-shirt and pale brown leggings. Her hair hung in wet locks around her face, and she smelled overwhelmingly of strawberry shampoo. The t-shirt molded to her fine figure, revealing she was not wearing a bra. I groaned inwardly and hoped I had the strength to ignore how badly I wanted to hold her.
“Yeah,” I said, noticing how tight my voice was. “It’s pretty cold. It’s not so bad over here,” I added, patting the couch. I moved a careful distance away—the length of a forearm, at least—and she took a seat beside me.
“Thanks,” she said. She leaned back, turning to face me.
“I ordered for both of us,” I said, doing my best to think of something to say. “I hope that’s okay.”
“Sure,” she shrugged easily. “What’re you drinking?”
“Beer,” I said. I passed her the can I’d brought with me from the kitchen to refill my glass. I had already half-finished one, standing on the table in front of me. I didn’t drink often, but today I felt like celebrating. “Want some?”
She shrugged again. “Sounds good.”
“Can I get you a glass?” I asked, shooting to my feet. I was pleased to be able to do something small for her. She was not the sort of person who usually let people do stuff for her.
“No worries,” she said. She’d already opened it. I sat down, feeling slightly silly. She grinned at me. “It was a long day.”
“It was,” I agreed, nodding tiredly. I felt a sort of peaceful contentment filling me that came from the combination of relaxing and nice company.
“That BMW looks stunning, though,” she said, referring to a bike my brothers and I had remodeled yesterday. “Great paint-job.” She smiled appreciatively.
“It is,” I agreed. “Matt has a real talent with paint. He’s always been artistic. Don’t know where he gets it from.” My lips lifted in a self-deprecating smile. “None of the rest of us got that ability.”
“Maybe some things aren’t nature or nurture,” she replied.
I laughed. “I reckon so.” I stretched out a little more, feeling relaxed. Even though I was overwhelmingly attracted to Amelia, I felt at ease around her. She was so natural, so easygoing. I felt calm, the stress of the day leaving me. “I felt good about that bike. Our customer was happy.”
“I’m sure he was,” Amelia
said. “I reckon not many bike shops can do such great all-round work.”
“I hope so,” I replied. “I feel confident about our shop.”
“You should,” she said warmly.
I felt myself smile. “Thanks.”
The doorbell rang, and I jumped to my feet, heading to the door. It must have been our dinner, and I was really hungry.
“Thanks,” I said, giving the delivery guy twenty dollars. I took the two boxes in and put them on the table in the living room.
“Is this mine?” Amelia asked, opening one of the boxes. I tensed, then relaxed as she grinned. “You ordered Four Cheeses! Hurray.”
I laughed, feeling my heart lift as, with simple happiness, she took out a slice dripping with cheese and bit into it.
“This is a great dinner,” she said with a mouthful. I laughed.
“It is,” I agreed. I felt deep contentment settle on me.
As I watched her surreptitiously, I felt happier than I had been in a long time. I was safe in somebody’s company, without the feeling of expectation or judgment. I hadn’t felt like this for ages. We had found an arrangement that made us both happy, I thought. I might long for her occasionally, but this closeness was even more important to me. This easy, trusting state of being that we’d settled into already.
I could get used to this.
It had been a long time since I had felt this close to anyone. I wished I could let her know how I felt, without scaring her or making her feel as if I had expectations. I didn’t want to scare her away—not now that I was feeling so good and wanting her to stay here.
“This is a good dinner,” I said, glancing over at her.
She smiled and nodded.
“It is,” she said. “And I think I have good news to share.”
“Oh?” I frowned, pausing before I took another slice of my dinner. “What’s up?”
“I asked Tanya to help me find a place to stay,” she said. “She found something. Since I haven’t heard anything from that creep, I reckon it would be safe for me to move out. Isn’t it great?”
I stared. I felt like she’d smacked me. If she actually had smacked me, it would have been less painful. I was so happy having her here and it seemed like she liked it here. Now, it sounded like she couldn’t wait to get away.
“What?”
“Nothing,” I said, clearing my throat. “That’s nice.”
She gave me an odd look.
“Sorry,” I said, clearing my throat again. “I think I swallowed something.” I coughed. What could I say? She was about to be annoyed. I could see that. I wanted her to know I was so happy with her here, and that it was good to know she was safe. But I didn’t want her to move out!
“It’s not an expensive place,” she said lightly, as if, as her employer, I was objecting on the grounds of how much of her salary would go to rent. “It’s only fifty dollars more than your place. But it is in an actual neighborhood, not in an isolated industrial area.”
“That makes sense,” I said, nodding vigorously. “And you are right, that’s a good rent.”
“It is,” she agreed, reaching for another piece of pizza, shooting me a puzzled frown. She had a good appetite, I noticed. I had only eaten two pieces, and she’d finished almost four already. “I was so excited when Tanya told me what the rent was. It’ll free me up to be able to do fun things.”
“Sure,” I nodded, trying to act glad. “That’s great.”
She shot me a look as if she wondered what the heck had gotten into me, but leaned back on the couch again, eating her dinner. I drank some beer and excused myself.
“Sorry… have to go to the bathroom,” I said awkwardly. I went down the hallway and locked the door.
“Stop being stupid,” I told myself angrily. “Amelia is happy. Just give her a smile, say you’re glad.”
But I wasn’t glad. I was hurt. I had just gotten used to having her here, feeling the easy companionship in the evenings and mornings. I hadn’t realized how much it meant to me—how much I would miss it. And her.
“She doesn’t trust you, even if you trust her,” I whispered to my reflection, feeling my brow lift in a frown.
I should have realized she didn’t feel happy or at ease here, even if I had fallen so quickly into a routine of easy trust with her. She was the one who’d been taken advantage of, I reminded myself. She had every reason to mistrust me. I should have expected she would only feel safe when she was far away.
“All that matters is that Luke has been stopped.”
I should care about her more than myself. I should be pleased for her that she was safe and happy, and able to move out.
Taking a long breath, I went through the kitchen and then back into the living room. Amelia had almost finished her dinner. She turned around and smiled at me.
“When I have my own apartment, you’ll have the bathroom all to yourself.”
I felt like she’d hit me, but I hid it with a grin. “Yeah,” I nodded. “I will. You too.”
“I will!” She chuckled. “And I can write in lipstick on the mirror so I don’t forget things, and it won’t matter.”
“It wouldn’t matter if you did that here,” I said softly, but she had already stood, taking her empty box back to the kitchen. I watched her through the doorway, and I felt like my heart might actually fracture.
I wouldn’t care if you covered the bathroom mirror with lipstick, I thought sadly. I wish I could tell you that seeing you every day, talking to you every day, meant so much to me.
I felt my heart twist painfully. I had the chance to tell her, weeks ago, that I cared. That I wanted to be around her. That I had fallen for her.
I hadn’t taken the chance then, and now I wouldn’t get another chance. She wanted to move out—she was, in fact, excited about moving out—and I had lost any chance I had to tell her how much she meant to me.
“It’s never too late,” I murmured to myself.
I didn’t believe it, though. Not really. I couldn’t risk it—not when she was so happy. She’d just be mad or think I was weird—or trying to take advantage again.
“No,” I said aloud, “all you can do is be happy for her.”
I had to let her think I was as pleased about her new place as she was, even if all I wanted to do was do anything I could to make her stay.
22
Amelia
I woke up on Saturday morning and heard nothing coming from the kitchen. It was a completely quiet house. I remembered that Carter had said he would go out early because there was a bike rally somewhere in town, and he needed to chat with a customer before it began.
The house was quiet and peaceful, and I slipped out of bed to open the curtains. I hadn’t realized that the noise of the radio and the knowledge that Carter was in the kitchen had made me tense every morning. My stomach twisted with nausea, and I frowned. We’d eaten pizza the previous night again, so I didn’t think it was anything we’d eaten. I shrugged and reached for my hairbrush, letting the silence of the place soak into my bones, reviving me. It must be the weather or something—my stomach would return to normal in no time.
“Peaceful morning,” I murmured, heading through to the kitchen in jeans and a t-shirt. I made myself coffee, breathing in the scent of it. Sharp, dark and strong, the smell of real, fresh-ground coffee burned at my nostrils. I always loved my morning coffee.
Lately, however, I had been feeling a bit nauseous in the morning, and the smell of coffee was sometimes too much, pushing my stomach to have cramps. Gasping, I ran to the bathroom.
“Oh, damn,” I murmured as I reached the toilet just in time and threw up. I felt my stomach twist painfully and I sat down, gasping for breath.
As I sat there, a thought occurred to me. It seemed too far-fetched, but the more I thought about it, the more it started to worry me.
My period didn’t come this month. Now, suddenly, I was nauseous. My breasts hurt a bit more than they usually did, too.
“Not possible.�
�
It was possible, though. I had slept with Carter without any contraception. I was so used to being on the Pill, I’d forgotten I wasn’t using it. I’d stopped when I left home to save money, and besides, I wasn’t seeing anyone.
“Damn it.”
My heart almost stopped. If I was pregnant, what was I going to do? I had a job, I thought hurriedly. I had a new apartment lined up—if I wanted to save money, I could maybe move in with Tanya, or stay above the repair shop again for less rent. I could qualify for health care from the state. I could keep the baby if I wanted to.
Oddly, the thought was not scary. I knew I didn’t want to end my pregnancy. I wanted to keep my baby, assuming I was indeed pregnant.
“You need to make sure.”
I felt my heart start thumping. Brushing my teeth, I hurried back to the kitchen. I emptied my mug and made tea instead, hoping it would calm my nerves without making me ill. I had oatmeal in the cupboard, and I poured myself a bowl, knowing that it was the only thing that would calm my stomach down.
I reached for my phone and called Tanya as I ate, feeling stronger with something in my stomach. The tea had settled it a bit, and I felt a little better. If anybody or anything could make me feel better now, it was Tanya.
“Hello?” I heard her reply. Hearing her voice made my spirits soar.
“Tanya!” I said. “Hi. I hope you’re well?”
“Sure!” Tanya sounded happy. “What is it?” She added. “You sound stressed. Can I do something? Want to come over?”
I couldn’t keep my secret anymore. She sounded so caring, and her sympathy took away the last resistance I felt about telling her. “Tanya, listen. I think I’m pregnant.”
“What!” she sounded happy. “Amelia! Great news!”
I grinned, in spite of myself. Of all the reactions, her happiness was the most touching I could have imagined. “Thanks,” I said. “I’m not sure how I feel, yet.”
“Of course.” She sobered instantly. “Are you okay? Are you feeling nauseous?”