by Erika Wilde
“This means we all get to keep our jobs,” Carly continued, oblivious to Kerri’s emotional upheaval, too caught up in the fact that Kerri’s prince had been the station’s knight in shining armor in saving them all from unemployment. “We can continue promoting Heat Waves, and for sure you won’t be looking for another job elsewhere…”
Carly went on exalting Ian’s generosity, but Kerri no longer followed the conversation. The only thought filling her head was that Ian hadn’t said a word to her about buying the station. He hadn’t told her that he was even considering the investment, or asked her opinion on the matter. Nothing. He’d contacted Virginia on Monday, and here it was Wednesday and she’d had no clue.
Feeling devastated and blindsided, Kerri felt her mind spin. Every fear and insecurity she’d battled to keep out of her relationship with Ian rose to the surface and nearly strangled her. She was so close to repeating the same pattern with Ian as she had with Paul. Her mother and sister’s pattern. Allowing a man to take control. Getting completely lost in the relationship and letting emotions cloud her better judgment so that she hadn’t even seen this issue with Ian coming. A decision that put her in the position of relying on him when it came to her job. It afforded him far too much power and influence over her life.
She should have seen the signs, considering her own past lessons learned. She knew better than to become complacent, to let down her guard. But she’d fallen so hard and fast for Ian, trusting him like no other man with her soul, and she’d believed that he’d never betray that trust.
She’d obviously been wrong.
While she struggled for her identity and independence and tried to make the best choices for her future even when faced with the most unexpected, conflicting circumstances, the solution was so simple for Ian. Buy the station to keep her in his life, and take all decisions about her career, her future, out of her hands and put it directly in his, without so much as a discussion of what she wanted.
Icy panic twisted around her heart, nearly suffocating her. If she stayed in Chicago, if she agreed to continue working at WTLK with him as the new owner, she’d all but admit she needed him to take care of her, to secure her job, to be a part of her success. She would be admitting she couldn’t do it on her own. He owned the station. Would he own her, as well? Would she be indebted to him for his supposed generosity? And where would that neediness end?
She shuddered, knowing it had to end now or it never would.
Abruptly, Kerri stood and gathered up her purse, startling Carly with her brusque movement.
“Kerri…where are you going?”
She jutted her chin out determinedly, defiantly. “To talk to Ian.”
As she left Ghirardelli’s and headed over to Ian’s office building, Kerri couldn’t decide which betrayal hurt the most…that the man she’d fallen so hard for couldn’t be honest with his intentions, or that her own heart had led her astray.
* * *
“Mr. Carlisle, Kerri McCree is here to see you.”
The voice of Ian’s personal secretary drifted through the intercom on his desk, pulling him from the stock reports he was reviewing on the Internet. He was completely taken aback by Kerri’s spontaneous visit, pleasantly so, especially since she’d never been to his office before today. He’d given her a standing, open invitation to stop by anytime, and he was glad she felt comfortable enough to take him up on his offer.
He hadn’t seen her since Sunday when they’d spent the afternoon at the Winslows, and he welcomed the rush of enthusiasm and desire that lifted his spirits and quickened his pulse. “Go ahead and show her to my office, Penny,” he told his secretary.
Saving the documents on his computer, he stood and reached the door just as Kerri entered his office. Knowing who Kerri was from Heat Waves and her boss’s involvement with her, Penny closed the door after her to afford them privacy, which Ian appreciated, since the first thing he planned to do was pin her against the wall and kiss her senseless.
Except the irritable vibes shimmering off Kerri and the animosity flashing in her eyes wasn’t exactly conducive for a seductive embrace. She was clearly upset, furious if her tense body language was any indication.
Concern immediately edged out more basic, sensual needs. Not knowing the source of her agitation but wanting to soothe her in any way he could, he reached out to gently grasp her arm. “Kerri, honey, is everything okay?”
She stepped away from him, evading his touch, eluding him, and his gut constricted at the personal rejection.
Her chin lifted mutinously. “You bought the station,” she stated bluntly, her voice sharp with righteous anger.
He swore beneath his breath, annoyed that she’d discovered his plans to purchase WTLK when he’d specifically told Dan to keep the sale quiet until everything was signed, sealed and delivered, which wouldn’t be for a few more days. He’d wanted to tell Kerri the news himself, under much different circumstances, in a more romantic setting, with roses and champagne to celebrate the acquisition.
This confrontation and her simmering wrath was far from the happy occasion he’d envisioned. “How did you find out?” he asked, just to be sure where she’d gotten her source of information.
“Dan told Carly, and Carly let it slip.” She moved around him and into the middle of the spacious room, putting even more distance between them. She turned back to face him, her mouth stretched into a grim line. “I would have rather heard the news from you, and I’m feeling like the last one to know. Why didn’t you tell me you were buying the station?”
He exhaled a deep breath. “Because I was waiting for finalization of the paperwork. Quite frankly, Virginia has been a pain in the ass about her terms, which has slowed down the sale on her broker’s end. I wasn’t going to take anything for granted until I had the acquisition papers in hand.” He met her golden-brown gaze, hoping to soften the tension filling his office. “And I wanted the sale to be a surprise.”
Bitter laughter erupted from her throat. “You certainly succeeded there. I’m still stunned.”
He narrowed his gaze, trying to understand Kerri’s attitude. “And obviously very mad.” Feeling provoked and a bit ruffled himself by Kerri’s temperament, he couldn’t stop the sarcasm from creeping into his voice. “And here I thought you might be…oh, I don’t know, happy, maybe? Relieved that the station isn’t going to go bankrupt or be bought out by heavy-metal enthusiasts. Grateful that you don’t have to worry about being unemployed and hitting the pavement for another job. Thrilled that the success of Heat Waves can continue.”
“A success thanks to you.”
He sighed, knowing this was a very sensitive issue for her. He attempted to alleviate her insecurities. “We’ve already had this discussion, Kerri, before we agreed to do the sexy city nights campaign. Any success you’ve achieved is yours and yours alone. Me buying the station won’t change any of that. If anything, it’ll enable you to become a bigger, more recognizable personality in the industry.”
She tossed her head stubbornly, and the sunlight reflecting in from the windows twisted gold through the honey-blond strands tumbling around her face. “Don’t you think it’s more than a little convenient that your buying WTLK keeps me here in Chicago with you?”
“Yeah, I guess it is.” He wouldn’t deny his more self-serving reasons for investing in the station. The mere thought of losing Kerri had made him desperate, and trying to maintain a long-distance relationship with her living in Indianapolis didn’t appeal to him. He didn’t think she’d want that, either, given the choice. Or maybe she did.
The notion that he might have misread their developing relationship, that he might have misunderstood the intimacy and emotion the two of them had shared, made him bring the question out in the open. “And staying here in Chicago with me is a bad thing?”
“Not if it was my choice to make, but you took any decision I might have made away from me.” She crossed her arms over her chest, her gaze obstinate and purposeful. “You never
gave me a chance and didn’t even ask what I wanted. You just bought the station and automatically assumed that I’d be so overwhelmed with gratitude that I’d stay here in Chicago and let you take care of me. You know what, Ian, I don’t need you to secure me a job, and the last thing I want is to be indebted to you.”
Growing more piqued with this entire situation, he braced his hands on his hips and let his own annoyance leak into his voice. “You don’t owe me anything, Kerri. I’m first and foremost a businessman, and I wouldn’t have bought the station if it wasn’t a solid investment. The furnishings and equipment might need to be updated, and the offices restored, but with your steadily climbing ratings and the overall appeal of your show and the talk-show format, I didn’t see it as a horrible thing that buying the station served two distinct purposes, as a business investment and to allow you the opportunity to keep the job you enjoy and love and are so good at. And yes, to keep you in my life, too.”
She shook her head in obvious frustration. “And where does it all end, Ian? How am I ever going to know if I’m truly a success, on my own, if you come charging to my rescue every time there’s a bump in the road? I would have survived the sale of the station to someone else just fine, in my own way, making my own decisions about my career and future.”
He moved across the room toward Kerri, closing the space between them, and she stood her ground. “So, it was okay that I offered Tori a job, but I can’t do the same for you?” he asked.
“Tori is a different situation,” she refuted, bristling. “She needed a job.”
“And you don’t?” he countered, and before she could argue he plowed forward. “I enjoy helping people I care about, Kerri. It makes me feel good, like I’m giving to someone else the opportunities the Winslows gave to me. And I’m fortunate that I’m in a position that I can afford to do it. I offered Tori a job because I believe in her and wanted to give her a fresh start. And I believe in you, too, Kerri. There’s not a damn thing wrong with taking advantage of a rare opportunity another person might offer,” he said, speaking from experience. “It won’t make you a needy, overly dependent person like your mother or sister.”
Her spine stiffened. “This has nothing to do with that,” she said too quickly, too defensively.
“I happen to think this conversation and your stubborn ideals have everything to do with your childhood.” Without a doubt, this crisis of hers stemmed from a whole lot of unresolved fears on her part, and he knew she had to come to terms with those insecurities in her own way.
But for now, he tried to bridge the ever-widening gap between them, and subdue the emotional threat she was feeling. “No matter what you might think, I’m not trying to curb your independence or make any decisions for you. That was never my intention. But I can’t deny that I do want to make things easy on you and give you every opportunity to be a huge radio personality in Chicago. You deserve that.”
The fight seemed to drain out of her, and she glanced away, as if it pained her to look at him.
Very gently, he tucked his finger beneath her chin and brought her gaze back to his, and felt her tremble beneath his touch. The resistance was still there, along with a wealth of vulnerabilities that squeezed his heart like a vise. “Call me selfish,” he said softly, “but I love you and I don’t want you looking elsewhere for what’s right in front of you.” Not only a secure, successful job, but him.
Her breath caught, as if she realized what he was asking for. A commitment to more than just her job and Heat Waves. He wanted, needed, her to believe in all that they’d shared the past month. Beyond the seduction, despite her fears, the two of them belonged together.
“I can’t do this again, Ian,” she whispered, her voice choked with the same tears filling her eyes, along with more doubts and uncertainties he couldn’t penetrate or soothe. “This isn’t going to work for me. With you as the new owner, I think it’s best if I hand in my resignation.”
A piercing pain shot through his chest, and it hurt for him to draw air into his lungs. “You’re quitting?” he asked incredulously. More than her job, his words asked if she was giving up and walking away from them.
She took a step back and nodded, her silence speaking volumes and answering the silent question that swirled between them. “I’m sorry,” she said raggedly, then moved around him and headed for the door.
Ian’s hands tightened into fists against the urge to stop Kerri from leaving and try one last time to convince her that she was making the wrong decision. But because he loved Kerri and didn’t want to stifle her or hold her back from what she believed she had to do, he let her go…and hoped he survived the second-most-devastating loss of his life.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
“How come you aren’t debating issues on the air with Ian anymore?”
Kerri had known from the moment she’d arrived at Tori’s new, fully furnished apartment with two bags full of nonperishable grocery items that it would be only a matter of time before their conversation turned to Ian. Five days had passed since their break-up on Wednesday, and when Ian didn’t call the show that night for their normal evening debate, the finality of what she’d done had hit her hard. She should have been relieved that he hadn’t called and made things more awkward between them, but instead a deep, consuming emptiness had enveloped her and it had taken every ounce of fortitude she’d possessed to make it to the end of her show that night…as well as Thursday and Friday night. And tomorrow night, Monday, she’d get to do it all over again, for another two weeks until her obligation to Ian and the station was fulfilled.
Tori’s question seemed to be the same one on everyone’s mind, from Carly and Dan, to her listeners, to the fans who recognized her in the stores and on the streets. Carly and Dan knew the truth and she’d managed to skirt the answer with her listeners, but she wanted to be honest with Tori, since Ian was a common link for the two of them.
She finished putting away the cans of soup in the kitchen cupboard Tori had designated, and turned to her friend. “Ian and I aren’t seeing each other any longer. On the air or off.” The painful words caused a lump to form in her throat and her chest to expand with a misery that seemed to increase with each passing hour she spent apart from Ian.
Tori frowned in bewilderment. “Why not?”
Kerri leaned wearily against the counter behind her and glanced at the small dinette table where Janet was eating a few of the Oreo cookies Kerri had brought for her. The little girl was playing with her new Barbie while enjoying her snack, oblivious to the conversation between the adults. She seemed happy and adjusting well to all the changes in her life, and Kerri was grateful that the transition had been an easy one for Janet, and Tori, too, it seemed.
Kerri wished her own personal transition to a life without Ian was going as smoothly. “Ian and I had a difference of opinion,” she told Tori, and explained the entire situation to her friend. Kerri told Tori about Ian buying the station, expecting her to stay, and how she’d made the spontaneous, heat-of-the-moment decision to quit Heat Waves and search elsewhere for a new job because she refused to depend on Ian for anything.
“Oh, Kerri,” Tori said compassionately, understanding her fears so well. “You can’t be serious about leaving the show and Ian. I’ve heard you on the air, and I’ve seen the two of you together, and I can’t imagine a more perfect match between two people. It’s so obvious that he adores you.”
He loved her. He’d said the words twice now, asking for nothing in return but her trust. So simple. So difficult. And she’d ultimately rebuffed him. Driven by a haunting past she was so afraid of repeating, she’d made a mad dash for freedom. Yet unlike when she’d decided to leave Paul, there had been nothing liberating about walking out of Ian’s life. Just pain and misery she’d never anticipated.
She wrapped her arms around her middle, grateful to have someone to talk to who empathized with all the misgivings running through her. “There’s no doubt in my mind how Ian feels about me, but I don’t want to be
indebted to him for buying the station and securing my job. I don’t want to need or depend on him for the direction of my career, or anything else, for that matter.”
Tori thought about that for a quiet moment, then responded. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned the past month, there’s a big difference between needing someone and being needy. Looking back, I can finally admit that my relationship with my husband was controlling and dominating, and I was needy because that’s what he expected of me. I fell into a pattern that just seemed to escalate to the point that I had no control in my life. And like you, once I made the decision to leave Rick, I swore I’d never depend on another man. And then Ian came along and offered me a job and a sense of security for me and Janet, and I took it.”
Kerri chewed on her thumbnail, hearing the other woman’s words and seeing the undeniable gratitude shining in her eyes. The same kind of gratitude Kerri had refused to feel in regards toward Ian buying the station. Her stubborn pride and a slew of fears seemed to be in control of so many aspects of her life—including denying herself the opportunity to grasp any semblance of happiness when it came her way.
“Look where I am, Kerri,” Tori continued, gesturing with a wave of her hand at the nice apartment in which she lived, the stability that was within reach. “I couldn’t have gotten this far without Ian’s support. Without realizing it, I needed him because he was that stepping-stone to a better life and my personal independence. I didn’t lose anything by depending on him and accepting his help but I gained so much.”
Kerri listened but couldn’t bring herself to reply. She was too caught up in the similarities between Tori’s situation and her own. And how differently they’d each responded to Ian’s offer of help.