What We Found

by Kris Bock

  I swallowed, trying to get rid of the taste of death. “I have a headache. I stepped outside for some fresh air, but it didn’t help.” I couldn’t believe I was lying to my boss. But how could I tell her the truth, that I’d taken a long lunch because a boy had flirted with me in the lunchroom, and he took me into the woods to smoke marijuana? Even without the dead body there were details I didn’t want to explain. I had to do something, but until I could think clearly I didn’t want to say anything I couldn’t take back.

  Her round face crinkled with sympathy. “I have some headache medicine in my office. I have pretty much any over-the-counter medicine you could possibly need, in fact. There’s a first-aid kit on my file cabinet, behind the philodendron. I keep it well stocked. The first-aid kit, that is, not the philodendron.”

  My smile trembled. I didn’t want her to be nice to me. And I didn’t want her to get too close, in case she noticed the smell of pot—or the stench of death. “That’s all right. I already took something.”

  “Maybe you should go home for the afternoon.”

  I wanted to get away, as far away as possible. But I couldn’t walk away from what I’d seen, and once I left it would be that much harder to come back. “No, that’s all right. I’m sure it will fade quickly.”

  She backed toward the door, keeping her voice soft. “You just take it easy for a while then. We can go over that plan later. I’m going to close your door so no one disturbs you.”

  I stared at the door as it softly shut behind her. “Thank you,” I whispered. I was lucky to have a boss like Eslinda. She’d been patient and encouraging, and I could only hope to reach her level of efficiency by the time I took over for her. Though only in her fifties, she was retiring to travel with her husband. He was older and had diabetes. “We don’t know how long we have,” she’d told me. “We want to enjoy ourselves now, while we can.”

  I thought again of the woman in the woods. Her time was up. I hoped she was enjoying herself in Heaven, because she’d get nothing else from this world.

  Except maybe people to mourn her. If she had family or friends, they must be wondering what had happened to her. I could give them the answer. I could make sure she had a proper burial.

  I had to tell.

  Chapter 3

  I paced the small room. Obviously Jay wasn’t going to back me up on this. Fine.

  Maybe I could make an anonymous phone call. But how would I explain exactly where the body was? What if they couldn’t find it? Would they even take me seriously?

  How did one make an anonymous call, anyway? Even if I blocked the number, the phone company had to know where the call came from. I couldn’t use the phone at the front desk without people seeing me. Maybe I could sneak into another office after hours, but the person who worked there might get blamed. An unused hotel room? I didn’t have keys to the rooms.

  They made disposable, prepaid phones. But I couldn’t buy one anyplace in town without a chance the clerk would remember me. I’d have to drive to a bigger city, and where would I get time for that trip? Albuquerque and Las Cruces were both over two hours away.

  I’d never considered how difficult something like this would be. Any option seemed risky, and if they somehow traced the call, that might make matters worse. They’d think I had something to hide.

  I shook my head. I’d have to identify myself. But I’d pretend I found the body on my own. It had obviously been there for weeks—maybe months—so the specifics of how we found it hardly mattered. The main thing was to notify the police so they could identify the person and how she died. I could go out there on my own, later, and pretend I’d just found it, keeping Jay out of it altogether. I didn’t understand why he was so paranoid, but let him keep his secrets. I didn’t particularly want to talk about us being out there together anyway.

  I grabbed the edge of my desk, lightheaded, and took a few deep breaths. I could do this. It was the right thing to do.

  The dizzy feeling subsided. With that decision, the world settled back into its proper place around me. I couldn’t imagine how Jay thought we could just forget what we’d seen. The image kept flashing in my mind and the smell seemed to linger on my skin.

  Reporting the body wouldn’t make the memory go away. But it might help me live with myself.

  If I were really honest, really strong, I’d tell Jay first what I planned. He probably deserved to know, so he could prepare his reaction. But he’d try to talk me out of it, and I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to resist. Katie, my college roommate, had told me I had daddy issues, and that was why I couldn’t stand up to a man. I’d pointed out that I’d never really had a dad. She said that was the issue.

  I missed her. Katie had been my rock from the first week at the University of New Mexico, when we met as dorm mates. A wave of loneliness swept over me. I wished I could call her, get her advice. But she was somewhere in South America with the Peace Corps. We thought she would be having adventures, while I returned to my sleepy hometown and a quiet life of work, with nothing more stressful than dealing with my mother.

  I wouldn’t call my situation an adventure. But my hometown no longer felt so sleepy.

  I wanted the day to be over. I couldn’t work. But I couldn’t slip out of work again, especially not after what I’d told Eslinda. It would seem most natural to wait until five, and then go for a walk in the woods before heading home.

  “She’s not going anywhere,” I whispered. “She’s been there a long time. A few more hours won’t make a difference.” And yet adrenaline flooded my body, demanding action.

  I had to get out of that tiny room. I lunged for the door, but once my hand hit the knob I froze. My body didn’t want to turn the knob, open the door. Anything might be out there.

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” I hissed. “You’re in no danger here.”

  I forced myself to turn the doorknob. I opened the door slowly and peered into the hall. Empty, though I could hear the murmur of distant voices over my own ragged breathing.

  I crept down the hall like a hunted creature. When I had to pass an open office doorway, I kept my eyes straight ahead and barely breathed, fighting the urge to run. I headed for the restroom for something to do, but when I reached the door, I hesitated again. Why was I suddenly afraid to enter a room, as if some horror might lurk within? How long would this last?

  I made myself push the door open. The room was empty, and my sigh of relief echoed. Still, I found myself checking every stall before I entered one. I had to know that no … thing … waited for discovery.

  Even peeing was difficult, as if I couldn’t get my body to relax on command. After, I washed my hands for a long time. I splashed water on my face and rinsed out my mouth. I even ran a damp paper towel over my clothes and hair. I wanted to strip off my clothes and take a shower, to get rid of the lingering stench of decay and Jay’s marijuana.

  Why did he have to smoke that stuff? Even if nothing else had happened, he’d put my reputation at risk, if someone had smelled the smoke on me.

  I pushed aside the sense of betrayal. He didn’t care about me, but why should he? We barely knew each other. My teenage fantasies about him had been all wrong, or else he had changed. It didn’t matter. His cruelty and indifference weren’t about me.

  I took a deep breath. I had to remember that. This wasn’t about me. Jay hadn’t betrayed me, because he didn’t owe me anything. But he had betrayed her—the woman in the woods—by refusing to acknowledge her.

  His behavior had been so strange. Had he known her? Could he have recognized that face?

  I shuddered and placed a hand over my nose and mouth, as if the stench still rose around me. Not her face, not anymore, but maybe he recognized the jacket. But wouldn’t that make him want to help more?

  I tried to bring to mind his words after we’d found the body. I couldn’t recall exactly. Something about how I didn’t know what was going on around here. The whole memory felt hazy, like trying to remember a dream after waking up. E
xcept for the one image that burned all too clearly in my mind, the details blurred.

  I hugged myself. Jay couldn’t be involved in her death, could he? That was too outrageous. By what bizarre twist of logic would he have led me to that spot, contrived to find the body, and then refused to report it? I had a vague notion that killers sometimes pretended to find their victims, thinking it would make them less suspicious or something. But then to hide the discovery?

  Unless Jay expected me to report the body after all.

  I was being ridiculous. Jay didn’t know me well enough to know what I would do. And I didn’t think he was smart enough for that kind of manipulation. He was just a coward who, as he’d said, didn’t want to get involved.

  Besides, she had probably died of exposure after getting lost, or after getting drunk and passing out. Maybe she’d OD’d. Maybe she’d committed suicide. Maybe she’d been jogging and a mountain lion attacked her. She wasn’t dressed like a jogger, but…

  I had to stop thinking about it. The police would find out.

  I left the restroom and turned toward the lunchroom for a cup of coffee. Two steps from the doorway, I heard the shuffle of movement within. I turned and fled back to my office.

  I sat at my desk and started doodling on a piece of blank paper, the meaningless swirls and curlicues that had filled the edges of my notebooks in school. The minutes ticked past as I waited, trying not to think, not to remember.

  I glanced down at the paper. Among the random squiggles a form took shape—someone lying on her back, one hand curled on her chest. Her head was turned to one side, dark hair half hiding the empty space where the lower part of her face should have been.

  I stared at the drawing for a second. What was wrong with her face?

  I shook my head, as if I could fling the thought out of my mind. I crumpled the paper and tossed it in the wastebasket. Then I pulled it out again and spent several minutes carefully tearing it into tiny pieces, destroying the image.

  Five o’clock finally came. I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. My hands were trembling again, my legs numb with the flood of anxiety. I’d go back to the woods, I’d call…

  I stopped in my doorway. Jay still had my phone.

  Should I go and demand it from him? It would be reasonable to want it back. But would he guess what I intended? Would seeing him make it harder to do what I needed to do?

  Someone was coming down the hall. I pulled my face into a smile as I glanced up.

  “Hi, Audra,” Nascha said. “A few of us are heading to the Cactus Club. Thursdays are Ladies Nights, so two-dollar margaritas during Happy Hour, if you’re into that kind of thing. Want to come?”

  I shook my head. “Not this time. But thanks.” Had my voice been too loud? Too soft? It seemed to echo from a distance.

  She waited while I locked my door and we continued down the hall together. I liked Nascha. She was a few years older than I was, but still in her twenties, with a beauty that clearly showed her Navajo heritage. She was quiet but friendly, with a confidence I lacked. I’d hoped we could be friends. But I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to her.

  She turned toward the front of the resort and the parking lot. I hung back and when she paused to glance back at me, I finally forced myself to speak. “Uh, I’m going out the back. Take a little walk before I head home. Too much sitting today.” I managed a chuckle that sounded false to my ears.

  Nascha gave me an odd look. “All right. See you tomorrow.”

  Several heads turned in the lobby as her graceful figure strolled past. I wanted to catch up with her, head to the bar for a casual drink and some girl chat. I hoped she wouldn’t think me unfriendly, when I so desperately needed friends.

  I blinked away tears and turned toward the back of the resort.

  When I stepped out on the edge of the golf course, I glanced toward the greenhouses a hundred feet away, but I couldn’t face Jay again. There were other phones.

  I kept to the edge of the golf course until I reached the path Jay and I had taken earlier. Waves of hot and cold washed over me as I stepped into the trees. Thirty feet in, I stopped and glanced back. The narrow strip of golf course still visible at the end of the path glowed like the light at the end of a nightmare tunnel. It pulled at me, but I held my ground. No one could see me now. Good. I wasn’t walking all the way down the path again. No way was I going near that body.

  But I couldn’t call the police yet. I needed to wait long enough that I could have made it all that way and back, just in case anyone had noticed me head into the woods.

  How long had it taken me to get to the path? Maybe five minutes. Another ten and the regular office staff should be gone. I couldn’t do anything about the people who worked evenings, or the guests, but the less commotion I caused, the better. And this would be easier if Jay was gone for the day, if he didn’t find out what I’d done until he heard the story in the morning. As a groundskeeper, he might work irregular hours, though. What would he do if he saw police cars pull up?

  Hide, probably.

  I paced. A dull ache filled my stomach. I wished I could throw up and be rid of it.

  The memory of that smell lingered. I was too far away to smell anything, but still I breathed shallowly. Everything smelled bad, the trees, the musk of the woods behind me, the faint smell of exhaust drifting from the parking lot. Would my nose ever get back to normal?

  How much time had passed? It felt endless, but probably no more than a minute or two. Without my phone, I couldn’t check.

  The woods loomed over me. The afternoon heat pressed in. I gave a sobbing gasp.

  I ran out and across the golf course, headed for the men gathered around the nearest tee. I ran as if something was chasing me. My legs burned and I gasped for breath, but I couldn’t slow.

  Another few minutes wouldn’t matter at all. But I ran.

  Chapter 4

  Half an hour later, I paced the larger clearing, where Jay and I had turned off the main path. My hair hung damp against my neck, but despite the heat I hugged myself. I could hear the murmur of soft voices from the police officers with the body. My mind played back over events, starting with the surreal feeling of dialing 911. Those three tones hit me like a punch to the gut. You didn’t dial 911 unless it was a real emergency.

  The golfers, a group of middle-aged men, had seemed more intrigued than horrified. The one who’d lent me his phone had asked if he should take a look at the body, to confirm what it was. I’d refused to go back there.

  The police had arrived ten minutes later, two officers, one probably in his forties and the other younger. I had already forgotten their names.

  A branch snapped. I whirled toward the path back to the golf course. A man was coming toward me. He wore some kind of uniform; his long-sleeved shirt had a patch on the shoulder, but the shirt was tan rather than the dark blue of the police uniforms. I drew back to the edge of the clearing, my heart racing, even though logic told me he was probably there in some official capacity.

  He stepped into the clearing, a small man in his fifties with gray hair and a mustache. He nodded and gave his name, but by the time he finished his introduction, the only word I remembered was “sheriff.” I pointed to the side path with a shaky hand and he left.

  I wanted to get out of there. I wanted to start running and not look back. But they’d asked me to stay around to answer questions.

  I took a deep breath. I’d done nothing wrong.

  But I didn’t want to answer any questions.

  A few minutes later, one of the officers and the sheriff came back. The scene seemed to blur for a moment, as if they were walking through a haze. The older police officer stopped in front of me while the sheriff hung back a few feet. The officer said, “We’d like to ask you a few questions, ma’am.”

  I nodded, but my throat felt too tight to speak.

  “How exactly did you find the body?”

  I swallowed twice and cleared my throat. “Um, I just want
ed to go for a little walk. Get some fresh air. Clear my head. I had a headache.” I swallowed again. Stop talking so much. Just stick to the basics. “I, uh, wandered into the woods. And then I smelled something.” My throat closed up and I dragged in a couple of shallow breaths. The smell of evergreen trees and parched weeds filled my nose, and I told myself I couldn’t possibly smell anything else from here.

  “I looked around a little. I was curious. And then I saw….”

  He half smiled. “You saw her looking back at you.”

  A spasm twisted my stomach and I pressed a hand to it. “I suppose.” So it was a woman. “Do you think you’ll be able to identify her?”

  He nodded. “Finding her is a real breakthrough.”

  Breakthrough? What did that mean? They were looking for her? A missing person case? “Did you….” I forced the words out. “Could you tell … how she died?”

  He just looked at me.

  I gave a helpless shrug. “I keep hoping it was … that she didn’t suffer. That it was quick and … some kind of accident.”

  His face tightened. He gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head.

  I gulped. Somehow the thought of violence—human violence—made the death worse. It was one thing to discover an accidental death, to see that the victim had a real burial and to bring closure to a family.

  It was entirely different to uncover a crime. This was far from over.

  “How close did you go to the body?” he asked.

  I hunched my shoulders. “Not very. Just close enough to see what it was.”

  “Did you stay at the top of the bank or go down?”

  I hesitated. I honestly couldn’t remember. It was like waking from a dream and only having bits and pieces still clear. But I wouldn’t have gone any closer than necessary. “I stayed at the top.”