Hard To Love You (The Love Series)

by Smith, Megan

  “You’re gonna need a bed like this when Hunter’s done working your body over tomorrow night.” I say while still laughing.

  She kicks my leg. “I guess I should be even more thankful for the big ass shower with the bench in it.” She says with a giggle.

  “That’s disgusting Kenz!” Jaylinn whines.

  “Holy fuck, have you seen that bathroom? I gotta get Jackson to get us a room here without Alex for the night.” Chloe says as she lies down on the bed across from MacKenzie and me.

  “We’ve got one in our honeymoon suite, too.” MacKenzie tells us.

  I reluctantly climb off the bed, MacKenzie follows. I pull open the curtains all the way so we can look out over the ocean. The first thing I see are dolphins diving all around. MacKenzie steps out onto the balcony, Chloe and Jaylinn follow her.

  I have to go to the bathroom so I stroll across the room. I push open the door and I’m amazed. The whole back wall is a shower, framed with glass; there are showerheads on opposite sides of the ceiling-to-floor wall with a third, rain showerhead hanging from the center of the stall. It’s all black granite walls and tile floor. Also there are benches on both sides on the shower. It’s easily big enough to fit five people. Off to the right is a set of his and hers sinks and to the left is another door. I open it and the toilet is in there with a flat screen TV mounted to the wall.

  I hear MacKenzie calling me. I quickly open the shower door, step in and close it. I press my hands on the glass, arch my back and stick my ass out and start moaning.

  MacKenzie knocks, and then walks in. She immediately starts laughing. “What the hell are you doing?”

  “Is this how Hunter’s going to have you standing in the shower?” I ask while trying to keep a straight face.

  MacKenzie is no good, she has tears running down her face and she’s holding her stomach. Jaylinn and Chloe walk in to see what’s going on. Now everyone is laughing and I can’t help but laugh too.

  “Oh my god, I so needed that laugh, Hails.” MacKenzie says.

  I step out of shower and shut the door. “You so know that Hunter can’t wait to take you in the shower. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re not knocked up again after your honeymoon.”

  She blushes, “Shut your mouth, Hails.”

  No one other than me knows, but she wants another baby, and soon. Personally I think she should wait and enjoy what she already has, and I’ve told her that. The look in her eyes says it all though. She’s on cloud nine with her little family and if she wants to add to it then so be it. She once said to me she wants all her babies close in age like her family.

  Smirking at her I say, “Well let’s get this party started.”

  “Hails,” MacKenzie whines. “You promised nothing crazy.”

  I stop walking and look over my shoulder, “Nothing crazy is gonna happen, just a little fun and something to help you relax and sleep.”

  “I’ll believe that when I see it.” Jaylinn mumbles.

  All four of us make our way downstairs to our bags. Each of the girls only brought one bag while I have two.

  “Did you really need to bring so many clothes, Hails? You do realize we are only staying two nights, right?” Chloe asks me.

  I fling my huge suitcase on the coffee table. I start to unzip it and I feel the girls’ eyes on me. Once it’s all the way unzipped I flip it open and I see them all look dumbfounded.

  “You didn’t think I could let my girl down the night before her wedding did you?”

  Jaylinn bumps MacKenzie shoulder, “You’re in for it tonight.”

  Chloe walks over and starts pulling out shot glasses, different flavored vodka, Sunny D, shakers, plastic cups, mini umbrellas, penis straws. Jaylinn pulls out the movies I brought along too, Dirty Dancing, Sweet Home Alabama and Pretty Woman.

  MacKenzie takes a seat on the sofa. “I can’t believe I’m getting married tomorrow.”

  We all stop what we are doing and look over at her. She has tears running down her face. Chloe, Jaylinn and I look at each other and then over at MacKenzie. I know she wants this, she isn’t crying sad tears. They are definitely happy tears. Jaylinn and Chloe each sit on either side of her while I start making drinks. Everyone needs a drink right now, especially me. It’s so hard to look at MacKenzie without thinking of Mason. I see so much of him in her, the dark hair, the sparkling blue eyes, the smile; even their noses are the same. I also feel like I’m not going to be her first anymore, not now that she has Hunter. With everything she went through, I was always the one she called first. A lot is changing but some things will always be the same.

  When I finish with all of our drinks we all settle in and watch our all-time favorite movies and talk about what the game plan is for tomorrow morning.

  While the movie plays, I get lost in my own memories about the first time I snuck into Mason’s bedroom eight years ago.

  My parents got into the biggest fight that I’ve ever witnessed. They always fought, I don’t think there was ever a day when they didn’t. Mom was always crying. Tara was always telling me they were fighting because of me. If I was never born, they wouldn’t be fighting.

  I was sitting in my room doing my homework, trying to hurry so that Mom could take me to MacKenzie’s since it was a Friday night and I could sleep over. Tara being the goodie-goodie that she is, was already at her friend’s house. Someone slammed the front door and caused me to jump. I knew what was about to happen. I ran to my bed, hugged my pillow and started rocking back and forth. The yelling began. Normally I would lie down in bed, stick my fingers in my ears and hum my favorite song, I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston, tuning everything out. But tonight, I didn’t. I wanted to see if Tara was telling the truth.

  There was lots of slamming, glass breaking, and screaming. I couldn’t hear every word they were saying with all the commotion going on but I was able to pick up bits and pieces of it. Mom was complaining about Dad being drunk and telling him this was the cause of all their problems. Then I heard a loud bang and Mom shouting at him to stop destroying the house. I heard Mom yelling for him not to leave because he was too drunk to drive. Someone came stomping up the steps and then more stomping came down the hall. They were right outside my door.

  “It’s all your fault. I told you I didn’t want any kids. We had Tara and I got over it but you just weren’t happy with her.” My dad yelled.

  “Stop it; you know that’s not true.” Mom replied back.

  “I never wanted that other brat and you knew this. She fucked our lives up, Claire. We have been struggling ever since.” Dad roared.

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My own dad didn’t want me, Tara was right. He hated me. I destroyed his life, his marriage.

  “That’s not true and you know it. You love her just as much as Tara. That’s your flesh and blood.” Mom cried back.

  I couldn’t take it anymore. I stuck my fingers in my ears and started humming as I cried. My dad hated me. He didn’t love me. My stupid sister was right; no wonder she blamed everything on me. I was the cause of all the fights.

  I knew we didn’t have a lot of money growing up. I couldn’t always get all the stuff that the other kids at school had. We didn’t live in a huge house like MacKenzie did. We lived in a small, two bedroom house, and Tara and I had to share a room. Dad had to work two jobs and Mom worked a lot, too. But we were ok; I had both of my parents. Some of the kids at school didn’t. I thought I had everything since I had a whole family. Now I felt like all of this was my fault. If I wasn’t born they wouldn’t be fighting.

  I stopped humming and listened to see if the fighting stopped. It had. I was wiping my face as my mom came into my room.

  She took one look at me and knew I heard everything. “Oh Hailey, don’t listen to him. He’s drunk.”

  I nodded. “Can you take me to Kenzie’s now?”

  She gave me a small smile, “Yes Sweetie, let’s get you packed up.”

  When I arrived at MacKenzie’s a little w
hile later, Mason and Cooper were out front shooting hoops. Cooper waved to me but Mason didn’t. He stopped bouncing the ball and looked intently at me. I waved goodbye to Mom and made my way up the walkway to the front door but someone grabbed my wrist. I turned and was met with Mason’s stormy blue eyes.

  “Why are you crying?” he asked.

  I looked down, “Mom and Dad got into another fight.”

  He pulled me into a hug and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

  I just nodded and begged the tears not to start up again. He let me go and went back to his game with Cooper.

  MacKenzie knew the second she saw me that something had happened, and, her being the best friend that she was, put on my favorite movie and made popcorn. Cooper and Mason had joined us as well. And that was how the night ended.

  When I was making my bed on MacKenzie’s futon she asked what happened. I just shrugged my shoulders not wanting to talk about it. She let it go, she knew what battles to fight and this wasn’t one of them.

  I tossed and turned for hours. I couldn’t sleep. All I could think about was the fact my dad didn’t love me, didn’t want me. I finally decided to get up to get a glass of water. I stepped out into the hallway, all was dark and quiet. I passed the bathroom door but then stopped at Mason’s. I looked back at MacKenzie’s door then down the hallway to her parents’. No one was around. I knocked lightly, turned the door knob and opened the door.

  Mason sat up, “You ok?”

  I nodded and walked over to his bed. He looked at me and smiled. I attempted to smile back but it didn’t work. He pulled his covers back and motioned with his head to get in. I looked back over at the door before I climbed in. I knew this was wrong and we could get into a lot of trouble but I felt safe with Mason. He was always there to protect MacKenzie, as was Cooper, but I felt different with Mason.

  Mason turned on his side to face me and gave me enough room on his twin size bed for me to lie down. “You want to talk about it?”

  I didn’t answer right away as I got settled. I put my back to him so I didn’t have to look into his concerned eyes, “No, not really.”

  I felt him brush my hair off the pillow and kiss my head. “I’m here when you’re ready.”

  I shook my head. I finally felt relaxed enough, my eyes getting heavy.

  The last thing I remember is Mason whispering, “I’ll protect you.”

  MacKenzie nudges me with her knee. I blink a few times, clearing the memory away. “You ok?”

  I nod, “Yeah.”

  “Why are you crying?” she questions me.

  I wipe my cheeks and sure enough they’re wet. I shrug my shoulders, not wanting to talk about it.

  She wraps her arm around my shoulder and pulls me to her. “I love you, Hails.”

  Another few tears roll down my cheek. “I love you too, Kenz.”

  I toss and turn for a while; I can’t sleep worth a shit, the anticipation of what’s to come tomorrow. I wish that the day isn’t going to be painful for me, or for Hailey either. It’s my fault, like always. Maybe it’s better if Hailey and I do go our separate ways. I always seem to screw things up where she is concerned. I’ve told her for years that I would always protect her but I just seem to hurt her more. I should have just told her why I had Lily cornered. It’s stupid that I didn’t. Hailey and I made a promise to never ask the other to keep secrets. It wasn’t fair that we asked each other to hide things. I know she would probably understand why I did it. But on the other hand I knew it was a possibility that she might not, why should I trust anything that Lily said? She couldn’t be trusted. This was why I wanted to wait until after the wedding to talk to her.

  I hear Ryder babbling and cooing down the hall. I figure since I’m up I figured I might as well go check on him and give Hunter a few extra hours of sleep.

  I push his bedroom door open; Ryder is standing up in his pack-n-play, batting at his mobile. I cross the room to him and his eyes light up. “Hey big guy.”

  Ryder smiles, showing me his gums and his two little bottom teeth that have popped up.

  I reach down and pick him up, along with his blanket and his binky. I take a seat in the rocking chair with him and hope to rock him back to sleep. He’s sucking away on his binky and he’s got a hold of my finger.

  “You know how lucky you are, Ryder?” He kicks his little feet. “Mommy is gonna look like a princess tomorrow, and your daddy is going to sweep her off her feet. You got pretty lucky with those two.”

  He starts grunting and rubs his eyes with his hand. His blanket slides off of us; I reach down and grab it for him. I turn his little body so that we are chest to chest and his head is resting on my shoulder.

  “Your mommy is one of the strongest women I know, aside from your grandma. She doesn’t look brave on the outside but she is on the inside. Don’t be fooled by her.” He tucks his arm up under my chin. “I’m gonna need you to help me out tomorrow, buddy. Aunt Hailey is going to be there and it’s going to mess with my head.” I take a deep breath. “I miss her.”

  I listen closely to see if he’s gone back to sleep and I hear his soft breathing and feel it against my neck. I don’t want to move just yet in case he wakes up while I’m moving around so I hold him for a little while longer.

  Holding him like this in my arms does something inside me. I want this with Hailey. I want the house with the white picket fence, the two point four kids and the dog. The last time I wanted something like this was when I begged my dad to let me play baseball all those years ago.

  I feel Ryder moving so I hold on a little tighter to make sure I don’t drop him. Then I feel someone tap my arm.

  “I’m going to put him down.” Hunter says when I open my eyes.

  The room is bright, sun shining through the blinds. I must have fallen asleep while I was rocking Ryder.

  I get up and walk quietly out into the hallway. Hunter follows once he lays Ryder down.

  “How long have you been in there?” Hunter asks.

  I shrug. “Not sure. It was around four when I heard him.”

  Hunter nods. “I didn’t even hear him on the monitor.”

  “No big deal, I was up.” We walk down the hall towards the stairs. “What time is it?”

  I roll my stiff neck as he answers, “About ten. I peeked in to make sure Ryder was ok because he’s normally up way before now.”

  When we reach the kitchen; I reach in the fridge for a bottle of water. “You want one?” I ask Hunter who is sitting at the kitchen table.

  “No thanks.”

  I shut the door and take a seat next time him. It’s quiet; Cooper, Jackson and Alex must either be out or still sleeping.

  “Everything ok with you?” Hunter questions me.

  I knew it was only a matter of time before someone asked me that.

  “Yup, couldn’t be better.” I say sarcastically.

  “You’re a terrible liar.”

  “What do you want me to say? I fucked up. What else is new?”

  “What happened that night?” Hunter is looking at me with concern in his eyes. He knows I don’t do shit for no good reason, not where it concerns Hailey.

  “Doesn’t matter, what’s done is done. Let’s not try to fix me today. Today is about you and my little sister. My shit will still be here later.”

  Hunter watches me for a long few minutes, making me uncomfortable.

  “I’ll drop it for now.” He tells me. “Cooper, Jackson and Alex will be back with breakfast soon. No one felt like cooking.”

  I don’t answer back; food is the least of my worries. I grab my water bottle and head out on the back deck. I strip out of my shirt and take a run down on the beach, needing to clear my head.

  A few hours later we are all dressed in our tuxes. The limo is outside, waiting to take us over to the hotel. The photographer is here, taking pictures of all of us out on the beach. She’s been snapping some with just Hunter and Ryder and a few with me, his best man. She’s finished now so we all pile in
to the limo and head to the hotel.

  It’s show time.

  We order room service once we are all awake and functioning. We stayed up pretty late last night as no one could sleep. The hairstylist and make-up artist should be showing up any minute to get started.

  “Are you getting nervous yet?” Chloe asks MacKenzie.

  She shakes her head, “No. Is that normal? I mean, I’m excited but I’m not nervous. Is that bad? Oh god, maybe it’s a sign or something.”

  We all start giggling. “Hate to point this out to you but you’re a nervous wreck, Sweetie.” Chloe tells her.

  MacKenzie frowns.

  Elle, MacKenzie’s mom, walks in with a single red rose and a piece of paper in her hand. She walks over and hands it to MacKenzie. Chloe, Jaylinn, Elle and I, all share a knowing look. Hunter wrote MacKenzie a letter about her something new, old, borrowed and blue.

  “What’s this?” MacKenzie asks.

  Elle places a hand on her shoulder. “Open it, baby girl.”

  She looks up and we all smile at her. She opens it and reads it silently. When MacKenzie is done she looks up at us with tears in her eyes.

  “Well, what did it say?” Jaylinn questions.

  I can tell MacKenzie is trying hard to not cry. Jaylinn reaches for the letter and reads it out loud.

  Morning baby,

  I hope you were able to get some sleep. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since dinner last night. Can’t wait to see you in a few hours and be able to call you my wife. Thank you for today.

  I told you I wanted to take care of your new, old, borrowed and blue.

  Your mom is holding your something old.

  Chloe has your something borrowed.

  Jaylinn has your blue.

  And last but not least, Hailey has your new.

  Each girl has been given certain times to reveal your items throughout the morning and afternoon. I hope you love them.