If I Lose Her

by Greg Joseph Daily

  I looked over at Jo, who was laughing and shaking her head.

  I walked over to her and told her with excited speed how I was just trying to do something creative by getting behind the batter and how I had worried about running out of film. She didn’t say a word. She just listened to it all with her head cocked and an authentic smile on her face like she cared more about me talking than what I was saying. When I was done and I just looked at her.

  “What?” I asked.

  “You’re going to be a great photographer,” she told me.

  When Jo said that it was like she knew something. Like she could see something in me beyond what I could see.

  I pulled her close and kissed her. Then, after the particularly passionate kiss, I pulled back.

  “Are you hungry?” I asked. “We could try to find some cookies or a sandwich or something.”

  “I could go for some nachos.”

  “God I love you,” I said shaking my head and turning to put my camera back in my bag.

  And there it was. Hanging in the air like a kite whose string had been cut but hadn’t had the decency to fall back down to earth.

  My eyes grew big and my heart pounded heavy realizing what I had just said. I took an extra minute to make sure my camera was cleaner and better put away than it had ever been before. Then I stood up and turned back around to her.

  “Do you mean it?” She asked.

  Now, as an adult you realize you can say “I love you” to numerous people in your life without it causing an apocalyptic event. However, as a teenager, saying “I love you” is tantamount to asking someone to marry you.

  I knew that seconds counted, and I could either play it cool or I could jump in headfirst and just be honest with her.

  Suddenly the noise of the crowd was gone, and all I could see was her.

  “Of course I mean it. I’ve loved you ever since that night at the gallery when I looked through those windows and saw you laughing with those people about your photos. I knew right then that if I could live in that smile until the end of time, I would die a happy man.” Then she pulled me close again, but this time she didn’t kiss me. Instead she leaned forward, on the tips of her toes, and whispered in my ear. “I love you too.” I put my hand on the side of her neck and leaned my forehead against hers. How free I felt, saying to her what I had been feeling for months now. Piece by piece I was giving her everything I had.

  It was between innings now and there were a few more minutes until the team would be back on the field, so we went and found some nachos and a couple of large sodas. She liked the jalapeños; I didn’t.

  Though my mind was on Jo, I had to try and focus.

  There were a few innings left and I had another roll of film in my bag, so we stayed until the end, if for no other reason than for me to get a shot of the two teams congratulating each other.

  It was getting late, but I was too excited to go home. I wanted to develop the film far enough to at least see on the negatives what kind of shots I had pulled off. I told Jo that I was more than happy to give her a ride home, but she didn’t really have anything else to do so she decided to go back to the school with me.

  At 8:30 at night the school was dark and quiet. Had the darkroom been in the main building, we would not have had access to it, but since it was in a small building out past the auto shop, a few of us had keys and could develop film long into the night or on weekends if a deadline was approaching.

  Jo and I pulled up and parked next to the grey-brick building and went in. I switched on the regular light and set my camera bag down on the table closest to the door while Jo walked over to the stereo that had gotten so much use over the years that several of the buttons had broken off. Tape with scratchy writing marked where the pause and play buttons used to be.

  I pulled out the half dozen or so rolls of film I had shot at the game and set them aside while Jo loaded a CD into the player.

  I rummaged through the rolls piled on the counter looking for the one with Patty’s bat-breaking run, which was marked with a red pen streak so that I could develop it first. Found it.

  A song by U2 began to play.

  I went and started collecting the various tools I needed to pry open the film canister and developing the film while Jo began mixing chemicals. I loved working with her in the darkroom- us bumping into each other, handing stuff to each other, having to reach over and around each other- trying to put the pieces together to correctly process an image.

  “What is this?” I asked her.

  “The new City of Angles soundtrack. Have you heard it?” She asked starting to sway her hips to the music.

  “No, I don’t think so,” I told her walking over to the light. My tools were laid out and I was ready.

  “I’m ready if you are,” I said.

  “Yep.”

  Click. The room went dark.

  I was so used to trimming and clipping film that it only took a few minutes to get the roll into the metal canister for the chemical bath, but while the lights were out, the next song on the album began to play: Alanis Morissette’s ‘Uninvited’.

  I heard a roll of film fall off the table and clank against the ground.

  Then, in the dark, quiet room, the solitary piano notes began walking, slowly, between us.

  The words of the seductive song sounded like Jo was saying them to me herself, and it took me a few moments of listening to realize that even though I had not heard this before, Jo obviously had, and it was the album that she chose to play here in our dark quiet world of hanging faces and captured moments, and as I listened the hairs on the back of my arms stood on end.

  Two lines, three lines more and the dulcimer-like notes began to work on me like a drug.

  “I think I’m finished,” I said softly and walked to the light switch. “I’m going to turn on the safety light. Are you ready?”

  “Yes,” she replied. Then I clicked the dim, red light on.

  I looked at her and she looked at me.

  In the red light she looked like a Siren of mythic quality.

  I walked up to her, put my hand behind her neck, and we kissed with more passion than we ever had before, like our tongues were looking for a way to tell each other something.

  I felt her breath against the small hairs above my mouth as she gently bit my lip. I wrapped my arms around her waist and lifted her up onto the table. She wrapped both of her legs around my waist and pulled me closer, pressing herself against me so hard that she stopped kissing me, for just a moment, to look at me. Then she began kissing me again, this time much more slowly. I was almost dizzy under the intoxication of her kiss, her touch, the music and the moment.

  I will admit, I was beginning to want a lot, but I wasn’t sure how much she wanted, and I didn’t want to scare her or make her feel like I was pushing, but with all of me pressed against her there had to be little room for confusion.

  She moved my hand from the middle of her back to her bare thigh just beneath the edge of her skirt. I hesitated never having touched her here before, but she didn’t let go, nor did she push. We just continued kissing each other. Then, with her hand on the back of mine, I slid my hand up her thigh.

  As I made my way into this unknown territory, she gently slid her other hand up underneath my shirt, over my stomach and onto my chest.

  My hand slid slowly over her leg and stopped, still with her hand on the back of mine. Then I stopped kissing her and pulled back.

  “What?” She asked.

  I hesitated. I was nervous, scared. My heart was pounding, and I wanted to ask her but I didn’t want to somehow crack and shatter what we had been building over the past months together. She had become my best friend and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her.

  “What is it Alex?”

  KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.

  We both turned. SHIT! Someone’s at the door.

  “Wait,” I hollered. “Fifteen seconds!”

  She climbed down off of the table, and I trie
d to compose myself. Who the hell is knocking at…What time is it?

  “Five seconds,” I hollered again, and Jo went over and turned off the music.

  As I turned and looked at her from across the room, she understood and nodded.

  I unlocked the door and opened it far enough to look out. Just then a police officer shined a flashlight in my face.

  “Officer!” I said holding my hand up over the flashlight. “We are developing sensitive photographs.”

  The officer lowered his light and looked past me into the dark room. “Are you a student here?” he asked.

  “Yes sir, I’m a photographer for the yearbook, and I was photographing a game tonight. I just wanted to see what kind of shots I got, and I’m here developing some film. Is there a problem?”

  “Do you realize it’s 10:30 son?”

  “Uh, no sir I didn’t. I must have gotten lost in what I was doing.”

  “Are you in there alone?”

  “No sir. My uh…friend was at the game with me and she’s helping me develop the film.”

  “Uh huh. I’m going to need you both to step outside for me.”

  “Yes, sir,” I replied, and I turned to Jo who was standing just behind the door. I opened the door and we both walked out to where I could now see another officer around the side of the building and their car parked lengthwise behind mine.

  “I’m going to need you both to step out next to the vehicle please,” he said, which we both did without hesitation. Then he leaned in and looked into the darkroom, being courteous enough not to use his flashlight again until he walked back over to us.

  “Are you both students here?”

  “Yes sir,” I said.

  “I’m going to need to see some ID.”

  “My purse is in on the table,” Jo told him. I was not too bothered, but I could tell she was shaken up.

  “That’s fine,” he said.

  Jo went and got her purse and came back with her student ID. I handed him mine along with my driver’s license. He looked at them both with his light then spoke into the radio on his shoulder.

  “Dispatch, this is three-one-nine-six-seven over.”

  “Go a head three-one-nine-six-seven,” the voice from his shoulder chirped.

  “I need a check on one Alex Douglas and one Jolene Daniels over.”

  It took a minute but then his shoulder chirped again. “Alex Douglas, 812 Tabor St., Lakewood Colorado, seventeen-year-old, Caucasian male. No outstandings. Jolene Daniels, 8412 Lamar Drive, Aurora Colorado, seventeen-year-old, Caucasian female. No outstandings over.”

  “That’s a confirm dispatch, over,” he said to the small voice coming from his shoulder. “Sometimes we have people trying to do drug deals and other stuff in these school parking lots after-hours,” he said handing our ID’s back to us. “And, I think 10:30 is late enough to call it a night on the homework, don’t you?”

  “Yes, sir” I replied.

  “Yes, sir,” Jo mumbled, looking down at her shoes.

  “Don’t worry young lady, you’re not in trouble. Just be safe. Okay?”

  She didn’t respond.

  “Have a good night,” he said as he and his partner climbed back into their cruiser and pulled forward, but didn’t leave.

  “Why don’t you get into the car. I’ll get the film and lock up,” I told her.

  Again, she didn’t say anything. She just walked to the car and climbed in.

  I got the camera bag, film canister and locked the door behind me.

  The police just sat in the parking lot as we drove away.

  The night had been so great but crash landed so hard when the cops arrived that I didn’t really know what to say so most of the way home we just sat in silence. When we did get to her house I took Jo’s hand.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” she said taking a deep breath. “Tonight was just a lot of firsts for me that’s all. I think I just need some time to process it.”

  “Will you call me tomorrow?”

  “Maybe give me a day or two,” she replied, which I wasn’t expecting.

  “Okay? Well, please call me sometime so I know you’re alright. Okay?”

  She looked at me with a forced half-smile and nodded. Then she squeezed my hand and got out of the car.

  I didn’t hear from her for the rest of the weekend, but on Monday morning I picked her up for school, just like I had for weeks now. She didn’t feel the need to tell her parents about anything that happened since she hadn’t gotten in trouble with the cops, so it seemed like everything was okay. I decided that the best thing to do was to let her bring it up when she was ready, but she never did.

  Ten

  Summer was fast approaching.

  Someone from a small art magazine in Denver ran a piece about Jo and her work that was noticed by a few galleries, which led to her being offered two exhibitions. This meant that we didn’t see much of each other outside of school for a few weeks. Then one morning, when I picked her up for school, she mentioned that her parents wanted to know if I could take a portrait of their family. I had already taken Susan’s senior portrait, and apparently they liked it. I guess they also figured it would be a good opportunity to finally meet me. Now, Jo and I had been seeing each other for over six months by this time and she had met my mother nearly a month ago, so I knew a meeting with her parents was coming. It’s just that neither Jo nor I had rushed to put it together, and now there was this increased pressure on me to make their family portrait.

  “Of course,” I said after a minute of deliberation. “When were you thinking?”

  “Is Saturday okay?”

  “I don’t have anything going on Saturday. What time?”

  “We usually eat around 6:30, but they’d like you to come by at 5 so we have time for the photo and so they could have a chance to talk to you. You don’t have to do the photo if it’s a problem. They just like us doing a summer portrait every year, and they’re willing to pay you.”

  This caught my attention, but I wasn’t sure how to respond to it.

  “Would that be weird, me taking money from your parents?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “How much are we talking?”

  “One fifty.”

  “Oh, I think I can be convinced to take a hundred-and-fifty bucks from your parents.”

  “There’s one more thing,” she said.

  “Okay?”

  “They don’t know about your ear ring, and I think it would probably be best if you took it out. Just for right now. Is that okay?” She asked with not a small look of worry on her face.

  Piercings and tattoos had become a huge fad in the nineties, and I had a loop in one ear in my left ear.

  I smiled. “Damn, I was planning on getting a couple of more piercings just to meet your parents. Maybe a tongue stud or a septum ring.”

  She shook her head and started laughing. “That’s nasty.”

  “What about a labret?” I asked laughing and poking the skin on the bottom of my lip.

  “I’ve never even heard of that. A what? A labret?” She said with a frown and a chuckle.

  “Yeah I can take out the piercings. No problem. How should I dress?”

  “Well, we’ll all be dressed up for the portraits so you should probably at least wear some slacks and a collared shirt.”

  “Stop by the Goodwill on my way home. Got it.”

  She shook her head knowing that I actually liked dressing decently and had an assortment of casual dress clothes. I even owned a couple of decent suits, but you might not have believed it if you met me on the street.

  She took my hand.

  “Alex, there’s something else I need to talk to you about,” she said as I pulled into the school parking lot. “I’m not sure how to bring it up because I don’t want to upset you so I’m just going to come out and say it.”

  “Okay?” I said turning off the car and turning to face her. There was a long dark hair caught in h
er lip-gloss that I brushed away.

  “You know the other night, after the game?” she asked letting go of my hand and starting to pick at her chipped nail polish.

  “Yeah.”

  “It was really nice…what we were doing, but I just don’t think I’m ready for that yet.”

  I’ll be honest. I was a bit disappointed at this. We hadn’t done anything else together like that since that night because I didn’t want to rush her, but I was getting excited about the possibility that our relationship was moving to the next level, whatever level that was.

  “Okay,” I said.

  “I love kissing you, and I don’t think it’s a problem when you tickle me. But, I’m not sure I’m ready for the rest of it. Not yet. Is that okay?”

  I sat back in my seat.

  “Yeah, no that’s fine. We were both caught up in the heat of the moment. I hadn’t really thought about it much since then anyways,” I told her, but it was a lie.

  This was the first time I could remember really lying to her, and I hated doing it but there wasn’t anything else I could think to do. There was no way she would understand what it was like for me to wake up in the middle of the night with my bed soaking wet from me sweating through the sheets or how I got aroused every time I kissed her goodnight or how I started getting turned on by the underwear commercials on the television when I was ten or how I was in the same boat as all the other assholes in school who were only trying to sleep with whatever girl they could but that I actually gave a shit about the girls around me or how sometimes I would wake up after a dream and my penis would be so hard that it hurt or how this all drove me so crazy that all I wanted to do was go to the doctor and get him to give me some pill to help calm me down or how I wished to God that somehow she could understand all of this but that there was no way I would ever be able to tell her.

  “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

  I forced up the best smile that I could. “Of course. We should probably head to class.”

  We hugged and kissed each other in the hall where we parted ways each morning, and I watched her walk around the corner. Then I left. I didn’t have anything else going on in class the rest of the day that I cared about, and my time at the yearbook was up since all of the books had gone to press a couple of weeks earlier, so I dipped out for the rest of the afternoon to absorb what Jo had told me and went and saw a movie. I was back on campus in time to give Jo the usual ride home, so she never knew a thing.