It Goes On

by Ashley Claudy

  Leaning on the wall next to me, Ethan slid his hand over my hip and pulled me back to lean into him. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and I covered them with my own, relaxing in his embrace.

  There were other visitors on the roof with us and walking around the lawns, but they didn’t matter. Wrapped in Ethan’s arms and the warm haze of the setting sun with the city far below us, our problems couldn’t touch us.

  “Watch for the green flash,” Ethan’s voice broke into my thoughts.

  “Green flash?” I looked back at him, confused.

  He pointed towards the sun. “Just as the sun sets, you can see a green flash.” He nuzzled his nose into my neck and murmured, “I might miss it. You’re too distracting.”

  I giggled, raising my shoulders up to protect against his tickling nips. “Well, stop distracting me. I’ve never seen a green flash before.”

  He paused, his smile spreading against my skin before he pulled away to watch the last bit of the sun sinking into the ocean. “It’ll be a night full of first for you.”

  “Ugh, I didn’t see any flash,” I said after the sun disappeared. “But what did you mean by a night full of firsts?”

  Ethan shrugged his shoulders, his hold around my waist tightening some. “Just the motorcycle, coming here, seeing the flash, but that failed.”

  “Oh.” I nodded, understanding. The sun was gone, but its light still shone over the ocean, causing the water to shimmer a deep orange and purple. The clouds stretched from the horizon to us in wispy strokes of red, orange, blue, and purple.

  “My parents use to bring me here at sunset when I was a kid,” Ethan said.

  “So you’ve seen the green flash then?” I hoped he’d continue talking and share some of his memories with me.

  “Maybe. My father swore he saw it all the time. I think I saw it once or twice.” I could hear his smile in his voice.

  “And your mother?”

  “She didn’t care about the flash or the sunset. She loved the telescopes and–There’s a replica of the solar system on the front lawn. She’d stay there most of the time, talking about how small we all were in comparison.” A touch of sadness ran through his words.

  I turned wrapped my arms around his waist. “Thank you for bringing me. It’s really pretty. I think it’s the prettiest sunset I’ve ever seen.”

  He kissed the top of my head. “Are you hungry? There’s a café here. We can eat on the terrace.”

  I was hungry, but I nodded reluctantly, not wanting to leave this moment.

  After we were sitting at a table with our sandwiches, I tried to bring back up our conversation, “So your mother was really into astronomy?”

  Ethan stopped mid-bite, and one side of his mouth twitched in an almost smile. “No, more like astrology. She thought the ocean tides and stars all pulled on her fate and controlled us all.

  “My father brought us here to entertain her, but he was sure to always tell me the science behind the telescopes. He encouraged me to be an engineer or astronaut. My mother dug the astronaut idea, but it was the building that fascinated me.”

  His eyes took on a glow as he explained the art deco design, and he pointed out the architecture of a few more buildings in the valley, but it was the passion running through him as he talked that captivated me.

  I sat back, smiling, as he finished telling me about homes on the edge of Hollywood Hills. “Wow. I didn’t realize you were so crazy about architecture.”

  “You know that’s what I’m in school for, don’t you?”

  I waved away his comment. “Yeah, but I’m in school for physical therapy. It’s interesting, I guess, but I don’t get turned on by it.”

  “That’s a shame.” He chuckled softly, a low rumble bubbling from his chest. “I’m the designer of my life, and I prefer to focus my time on things that turn me on.” The green of his eyes darkened, deepening as he spoke.

  I wondered briefly how I fit into his design.

  “Well, I’m glad that’s working out for you.” I tried to defend my decisions. “I didn’t really have the luxury of pursuing my interests. I chose a quick degree that pays well enough.”

  “That’s not really a concern now though. Why don’t you change majors?”

  “It’s interesting enough.” I shrugged. “I don’t really know what else I would want to do anyways.”

  “What do you like to do? If you could do anything right now, what would it be?”

  I watched him rub his hand over his short hair, causing his lean biceps to flex and stretch under his shirt. The lines of the tattoo on his forearm seemed to stretch with him, and his dragon tattoo peeked from his shirt sleeve. All I could think was if I could be anywhere, I’d choose here with him. But I couldn’t say that out loud.

  “I like running, but I think it’s a little late to make that a career choice.”

  “Maybe physical therapy is a good choice for you. But if you change your mind latter, you can always switch. You’ve got that luxury now.”

  “Whatever. I’ve got to build my own life too. I’m not sure I can count on all this,” I said, irritated by the conversation. I didn’t like the focus being on me, especially not on the benefits of my father’s money.

  His eyes leveled mine. “That’s good. You’ve got to take care of yourself, but don’t pass up the opportunities you’ve got now. You may not get them again.”

  “How do you take care of yourself? What opportunities are you taking advantage of?” I immediately hated myself for asking the question out loud. I hated that my father’s warning kept rising in my mind.

  He narrowed his eyes and paused with his sandwich in the air. “What have you heard about me?”

  I chewed on my lip and looked away from him, embarrassed. I focused on the city below now glowing with its own lights. The dark night sky just beyond the dome of illumination.

  “I know you lived with Liam’s parents after yours passed, and they help you.” I risked looking at him after I spoke. I didn’t see embarrassment in him, just a calm acceptance.

  “That’s what you know?” He shook his head, popped a chip in his mouth, and leaned back in his chair. His feigned composure gave way to a rising agitation and he leaned forward, bracing his arm on the small table between us. “Everyone thinks they know. But they don’t get it. When I was sixteen, my life was taken from me, everything I thought I knew changed. So yeah, I went and lived with my best friend, and accepted his parent’s money so I could continue to go to school with my friends.” He spread his hands out. “People act like I stole from them because I took their hospitality. But what the hell was I suppose to do?

  “That’s where the assistance stopped.” Some of his anger drained away as he continued, “My parents left me with a college fund at least, and that covered school. Otherwise, I work and pay my own way. Even the condo, I pay rent.”

  “It’s okay.” I stopped him, my heart aching for the boy he’d been and the man before me still hurting. “I’m sorry. It’s none of my business. You don’t have to explain to me.”

  He gave me an odd look. “Are you serious? I haven’t wanted to define what it is we’re doing, but... If you’re in a relationship with me, then I need to explain this. I don’t want you thinking I’m with you for any other reason than I want to be with you.”

  I nodded, my heart jumping to my throat.

  He took my hand in his and laced our fingers together. “I like you. I like hanging out with you. That’s my motivation, nothing else.”

  The emotions spinning in my stomach spilled out in laughter that didn’t fit the situation. Unable to stop, I covered it with a bad joke, “I thought you were using me for my physical therapy skills; all that exercising you do.”

  The corner of his mouth turned up, but he met my eyes with a serious look. “Just don’t believe everything you hear about me. Or at least ask me first and let me explain. I’ve done things in my past…” He shook his head with a sad smile. “I was young, you know? But you can ask me
anything. I want you to trust me.”

  I nodded, touched by his sentiment, but not prepared to give him the same invitation. I didn’t want to open my past to him. I wanted to forget about it all and start new with him as part of my future. I wanted him in my life with a certainty that terrified me.

  I looked over the edge of the mountain and tried to pull my feelings back, thinking about all the reasons we might not work.

  “Okay,” I started as one particular obstacle nagged at my insecure thoughts. “If I can ask questions, then what’s the story with you and Sydney? Do you like her?”

  He loosened his grip on my hand and sat up like my question took him off guard. “We’ve been friends for a long time. She’s Liam’s cousin and our parents were friends. She was just always around.” His eyes slipped from mine to what was left of my sandwich. “Our mothers use to tease that we would get married one day.”

  My stomach twisted, but I didn’t dare interrupt his explanation.

  “When my parents were in their car accident and everything came out about my father stealing money, everything changed. Except Liam. He didn’t care, but he was the only one. I almost thought of switching to public school. But I stayed with Liam, and he and I did our own thing until, eventually, everyone started letting me around again.” He shrugged one shoulder and looked back up at me. “I’m good enough to hang out with, but not date, not seriously anyways. So we're friends.”

  Overcome with a protective urge for him I cupped his face in my hands. “I think you are possibly the best person I’ve ever met.” I let my hands fall away, embarrassed by my emotions.

  But his eyes held mine with a connection that seemed all consuming and could be nothing but honest. “I was thinking the same thing about you. There’s something between us… something about you.” He scooted his chair around the table, so close that my knees were in between his legs, and rubbed both hands over the top of my thighs. “I see you. Your beauty. Your joy. I see your hurt. But mostly I see your courage; this quiet strength you have… and it makes me want to be better. So I can be someone you trust and need.”

  I couldn’t pull my eyes from his.

  “You’re doing a good job,” was all I could offer.

  The corner of his mouth twitched with laughter. I’d broken the spell that had encased us, and our surroundings came rushing in like a crashing wave. The night had settled and the stars were out, but not bright since the city lights competed with them. The observatory was busier than ever with people standing in lines to see through the telescopes on the lawn.

  I grabbed Ethan’s hands as he pulled away. I couldn’t let him go without giving him something of me. He’d revealed so much, and I wanted to open up to him too but found the words difficult. “Really, thank you.”

  His eyes narrowed, and I could almost read his thoughts. He’d opened his heart, and I just said thank you.

  I tried again, “I do trust you, as much as I can trust anyone. I—This has been a hard month for me, but you’ve made it... beautiful.” My courage rose as I saw his face soften with my words. “The time I’ve spent with you has been some of the most beautiful moments of my life.”

  I leaned in to kiss him as his phone rang. He ignored the ringing, but it already distracted from the moment. And when I pulled away, he looked down to his screen.

  “It’s Liam, I’ll call him back later. They’re probably wondering where we are.”

  I nodded, sitting back in my chair.

  “Hey,” Ethan said with a playful smile. He rocked my legs with his hands. “Do you want to skip all that tonight? Hang out just the two of us?”

  That was exactly what I wanted. I wanted to continue our talk, and I didn’t want prying eyes putting pressure on our tentative bond. A part of me thought it was probably stronger than I was giving it credit for, but a relationship is only as strong as the two people involved, and I made it weak. I hoped Ethan was strong enough for the both of us.

  I nodded my head. “I’d like that.”

  He pulled me to my feet with a kiss. We explored the observatory and looked through the different telescopes before going back to his motorcycle.

  “I know somewhere else we can go with a good view of the city,” Ethan commented as he hooked my helmet on my head.

  I nodded, nervous adrenaline coursing through me at the thought of riding on a curvy mountain at night.

  He helped me onto the bike behind him and adjusted my arms clamped around him with a small laugh. “Hang on tight to me, beauty.”

  I reminded myself to bring up the nickname when we got to our destination. I cringed every time he used it.

  A short ride later, Ethan pulled off the side of the road and parked in the gravel. We sat, facing each other on the stone wall that protected the street from the edge of the cliff.

  Ethan’s phone rang, and he checked the screen. “It’s Liam again. Give me a moment to talk to him,” he said as he hoped off the wall and took a few steps away.

  I looked out over the expanse of the city, amazed at how the glow of lights met the night sky and then faded into the larger, darker expanse of space. I tried to focus on the sights, but I couldn’t help but overhear Ethan’s conversation.

  “All right, I’m with Kate,” he said. “We're going to do our own thing tonight… Later tonight?” The silence stretched around us, and then he answered, “Yeah, I’ll be home later.”

  He walked back to the wall and lifted himself next to me. “They should leave us alone now,” he said, slipping his arm around me.

  “Hmm,” I hummed as I leaned my head on his shoulder, savoring the moment.

  We sat in comfortable silence for some time, and I didn’t want to ruin the moment, but the more I replayed his answer, the more it bothered me. “You didn’t really answer my question about Sydney. What are your feelings towards her?”

  “I thought I did, but let me make it clear. She’s a friend, that’s it. We could never be more and not just because her family wouldn’t approve. She was one of the ones that avoided me. I see who she really is, and it’s not someone I would trust to be my partner.” He squeezed my knee and looked sideways at me. “Why are you so concerned? Didn’t you hear me; I want you.”

  I hung my head and looked at the gravel at the base of the wall. “Yeah, but she likes you. I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t mutual and the only thing holding you back were her parents.” I shrugged. “I’m a jealous person; one of my many faults.”

  Ethan hopped off the wall and pulled me toward the edge so my legs straddled his waist. Our eyes were level with each other as he rested his hands on my hips. “I want you and only you. And more than that, I want all of you, including your faults.”

  His lips claimed mine, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, absorbing his passion, drowning out my doubts. His confidence in what he wanted filled me, and I couldn’t hold on to my feelings anymore. I let my emotions flood into the kiss, into him. I ran my hands down his chest and around his waist, trying to get closer to him. His hands traveled under my shirt, up my back. My skin tingled and heated where he touched me as if his hands could mold me into something that matched him perfectly. And I wished they could shape me into something whole that could love him completely as he deserved to be loved. Sadness filled my kiss as I thought about the holes in me that were bound to leave him feeling just as empty.

  He pulled away slowly, but I clung to him. “Hey, what’s wrong?” concern was evident in his soft voice. He cupped my face in one large hand and made me look at him. “Are you crying?”

  “No.” I jerked away from his touch and dabbed at my eyes. No tears had fallen, but they were filled with unshed emotions. “I–I was just being stupid.”

  “No, you weren’t.” He comforted as he stroked my hair down my back. “What’s going on in that head of yours?” His hands ended their journey at my hips, and he gripped them, encouraging me to talk.

  “You know what you want, and you go for it. You did that with your education and
now me, and that’s great.” I rolled the edge of his shirt between my fingertips, unable to look at him.

  “But?” He prompted.

  “I’m not so sure. You make me different. In a good way. You make me hope and dream of a future where I can be happy, but…” I let my hands drop. “I’m only fooling myself. I’m still me. I don’t think that will ever be enough for you, and you deserve someone who can give you all of themselves.” Even as I spoke, I cursed myself. Why couldn’t I follow Lexi’s advice and just let this go for now?

  He titled his head down into my line of vision. “I don’t know any other way to say this Kate, but it’s you I want. You don’t seem to be listening.” He cupped my face in both of his hands so I couldn’t look away. “Listen to me. I don’t want someone else.” His hands trailed down my arms as he talked. “It’s crazy that I’ve only just met you a couple of weeks ago because I feel like I know you. Like I’ve known you my whole life. Everything’s different with you; I’m different. And it’s you that does that.” He moved his hands up and down my waist in reassurance. The corner of his mouth lifted in a half-smile. “Damn. I don’t think I’ve ever talked like this before, you do that to me. Neither of us are perfect, but can we try this out and not think about why it won’t work?”

  I nodded and wrapped my arms around him, both of us holding each other. We’d both admitted to being different with each other, so maybe as a couple we would be different too. I felt safe in the knowledge that he was taking this chance with me, and I allowed myself to hope that it might work, even as fear crept in the dark places of my brain, waiting to pounce on my weaknesses. I hugged Ethan tighter, drawing my strength from him.

  ~Carly~

  Carly sat across the table from Mrs. Chen and her husband, in awe of them. They both seemed so fulfilled and confident.

  Carly knew from experience that it was easy for others to portray happiness as a false cloak, covering deep unhappiness within. But these two seemed different, and Carly watched them as if she might be able to discover their secret and take it for herself.