Divine Dora

by Claire Chilton

  Her heart thumped in her chest as a bubble of panic swelled in the back of her throat.

  What happened to my friends? They were all frozen in time. Where is Kieron?

  Running back into the bedroom, she grabbed a pair of jeans off a nearby chair and pulled them on, still fastening them as she rushed out of the room into a stylish corridor.

  She slipped on the wooden flooring as she rushed down it, reaching out for the wall for balance.

  Seriously, whose fucking house am I in?

  She came to an abrupt halt at the top of a spiral staircase, peering over the balustrade at the neat foyer of the designer apartment below.

  Unsurely glancing down the corridor and then back over the railing, she wondered where to go first. But with no idea where she was or why she was here, she tried to be cautious.

  It could be the home of a three-eyed monster that eats Goth girls.

  Her frown deepened.

  Then why was I in its fucking bed?

  Shaking her head, she chose to go downstairs. The way out was always downstairs, right? She silently hurried down the spiral staircase, brushing her hand against the wall on her way down.

  When she reached the foyer, she eyed the front door. All she had to do was sneak out of it, and she’d be free.

  The sound of laughing down the hallway caused her heart to jump into her throat. She froze, trying to decide what she should do. On one hand, she didn’t know where she was. She didn’t even know what dimension she was in. Was she still in Heaven, Hell or back on Earth?

  She set her jaw.

  I need to find Kieron. That means I need to find out where this is before I go outside.

  Turning toward the sound of laughter, she tiptoed down the hall, heading for it. Her bare feet were silent on the wooden floorboards and thick rugs as she passed a kitchen and a library.

  She swallowed as she reached the doorway that the noise was coming out of. She peered around the doorframe, looking inside the room. Like the rest of the apartment, it was stylishly decorated. She discovered a large living room, home to plump leather couches, an ornate fireplace and a widescreen TV.

  The laughter was coming from the TV show, which was emanating canned studio laughs at regular intervals.

  She could only see the back of the couch. Whoever was sitting on it must be slouched in the seat because she could only see a masculine arm resting on the arm of the couch from this angle.

  Either that or the person on the couch is headless.

  Swallowing her fear, she gripped a nearby lamp and plucked it off the sideboard, testing the weight of it in her hand.

  She rolled her eyes when she had to silently untangle the wire of the lamp and unplug it without being heard.

  If this was a horror movie, the monster would appear now while I’m tangled up in fucking lamp cord.

  Once the lamp was free of the wall, she took a step toward the couch while quickly wrapping the cord around it.

  Maybe I can use it as a whip.

  She tried to imagine herself as Indiana Jones and not Kieron’s grandmother with a whip as she continued walking toward the couch, dreading what she would find there. She knew she had to face whatever she found here. Speaking to whatever lived here was the only way she could find out where she was, what happened to Pooey, and it was the only way she could find Kieron.

  Galvanized by the last thought, she stepped beside the patron of the couch. She turned to face them with the lamp raised, ready to fight for her friends. They’d saved her over and over again. This time she was going to save them from whatever fucked up reality the universe had served them.

  Her eyes widened as she peered down at a sleeping Kieron, slumped on the couch. His arms were wrapped around a large cushion as he cuddled it. His lips were turned up with a hint of a smile as he slept peacefully, a light snore coming from him at regular intervals.

  She lowered the lamp and placed it on a nearby coffee table, her eyes never leaving his bare-chested form. She wasn’t sure how he managed to look adorable and sexy at the same time, but that was just Kieron. His blue jeans hung low on his hips, and the muscles in his chest occasionally twitched.

  While contemplating waking him up, she noticed his eyelids flutter. She patiently waited for his eyes to open. His dark lashes fluttered over cerulean blue eyes before slowly opening. He smiled dreamily at her, half-asleep and half-awake.

  Then his eyes widened, and he shot awake, abruptly sitting up and staring around. “You exploded!”

  “What?” she asked, alarmed by the revelation. To be fair, her last moments as God had felt as if she’d exploded, but Kieron hadn’t been there. How could he have known that?

  “You picked up that pen, exploded, and some old dude took your place.” He scanned her before jumping to his feet and gripping her arms. He ran his hands up and down them as if to check they were real before he hauled her against him into a tight embrace.

  “No, wait. I was the old guy,” she mumbled into his chest.

  He froze. Then he released her and stepped back, eyeing her with concern. “Wut?”

  “I became God.” She tried to explain.

  “You became a dude?” He widened his eyes.

  “Well, no. You just saw a dude because that’s what you think God looks like.”

  “So you became a dude.” He frowned.

  “No, I did not become a fucking dude!” She shook her head. “It was just an illusion.”

  “You looked like a dude.” He shrugged.

  “I’ve got a better question.” Pooey’s voice echoed from the doorway. “What the fuck do I look like to you?”

  Thirty

  66B Hellsgate Apartments

  Dora spun around to see a little red-haired person scowling in the doorway. She widened her eyes. “Pooey?”

  He narrowed his eyes even more. “Who the fuck else could I be? What the hell am I?” His little fingers clenched into a fist as a vein throbbed in his temple.

  Dora scanned him. He was a cute person of small stature. “You’re a little person.”

  “You look like a dwarf,” Kieron said.

  She groaned. “No, the correct term is little person.”

  Pooey’s eyes widened. “What, like one of those short, fat things in World of Warcraft?”

  “You’re not fat,” Dora quickly said. He wasn’t. He looked great, even if he was a bit on the short side.

  “So this is God’s punishment for me.” Pooey nodded. “He made me into a short, fat, ginger twat. Fuckin’ wanker!”

  “Dora was God and a dude.” Kieron turned to face her. “Why did you make Pooey into a short, fat, ginger twat?” he asked, displaying an earnest expression.

  “I didn’t, and I wasn’t a dude!” She shook her head. “I don’t know what has happened. I was God. I fixed Heaven, and then I er, overloaded or something. Next thing, I woke up here.”

  “And made me into a ginger twat?” Pooey asked.

  “No! Be thankful that neither of you are still frozen.”

  “You froze us?” Kieron asked with wide eyes.

  “No, I froze time, but er, you were in it. So the last time I saw you, you were kinda frozen in Heaven.” She winced.

  “So where are we now?” Pooey asked.

  Dora frowned, looking around the room. Her eyes settled on the widescreen TV as the news appeared on it. It didn’t take her long to realize this was Earth. She recognized the channel. “We’re on Earth by the looks of it.”

  “Wait, so are we human now?” Kieron frowned.

  Dora felt her spirits lift. Was she human, had she finally come home as a human being?

  “Oh hell, no!” Kieron cried.

  She turned to see Kieron scrunching up his face in concentration.

  “What are you doing?”

  “My horns, I can’t summon them!” He patted his head. “Are they there? Can you see any of them?”

  “Your wings are gone too,” Pooey said, pointing to his back.

  “Fuck them
. Dora, help me find my horns. I can’t live as a human, I just can’t!” Kieron stared at her with a helpless look in his big blue eyes.

  She patted his golden hair. There were no horns in them. “Maybe they’re just not active or something. You’ll be okay.”

  “B-but I’ll just be a human.” He widened his eyes. “I don’t even know what humans do!”

  “They live.” She shrugged. “It’s not so bad.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “Don’t they die too?”

  “Yeah, but then they go to Hell,” she said.

  He sighed. “It’s not an ideal situation.”

  “You can have some fun before you have to learn to be evil. Trust me. Old people do evil better than anyone else. After a lifetime of disappointment, you really get a handle on being mean. It might help you learn evil.”

  “How does it work?” he asked, curiosity lighting up his eyes.

  “Well, you have fun and try your best. That’s how it starts. Then I think you fuck up a lot. That’s really easy to do as a human. Then when you’re completely screwed, the disappointment kicks in, and you get bitter. Evil kind of comes naturally to you at that point.” She frowned, wondering if this was the worst advice she had ever given anyone.

  “She’s right,” Pooey said. “That’s how I mastered evil.”

  Kieron nodded. “Fine, I’ll stay human for now, but the second I don’t like it, I’m getting my horns back.”

  Dora tried to summon Kieron’s demon powers since he appeared to be so miserable without them, but nothing happened. Anything godly had left her. Judging by the story on the news about fracking, she hadn’t saved the world from all the bad shit in it either.

  She idly wondered who was God now. Was anyone God, or had she burned up the quill with overuse?

  “I guess we’re all just human now,” she muttered.

  Pooey raised his hand. He stared intently at it for a moment before conjuring a ball of golden light in the palm of his hand. “Maybe not, my bitches.”

  Kieron widened his eyes. “You have golden powers! Are you God now?”

  Pooey shrugged. “Fucked if I know.”

  “Restore my horns,” Kieron demanded.

  Pooey glanced at Dora, and she nodded. Kieron wouldn’t be happy as a human.

  Shrugging, Pooey shot a blast of golden light at Kieron.

  He smiled and stretched, his eyes glowed red for a moment, and then his tiny horns popped out of the top of his head. Unfortunately, a pair of giant white wings shot out of his back at the same time. “That feels better.” He smiled, clearly unaware that he was still half angel.

  Pooey winced.

  Dora nodded. “Yeah, you look more like your old self.” She didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was still an angel too.

  “What about you?” Pooey asked her.

  She shook her head. “I’m happy as a human.”

  He shrugged, and then cast a golden light on himself. “Did it work?”

  “You still look like a short, fat, ginger twat.” Kieron said.

  Pooey scowled, shook his hand as if trying to jolt the batteries, and then tried again.

  Dora shook her head. Whatever magical powers Pooey had, they weren’t Godly powers. He couldn’t change his own form with them.

  “This is some fucking bullshit!” Pooey said as he dropped his arm and hung his head in defeat.

  “What do we do now?” Kieron asked.

  “We need to figure out where we are.” Dora picked up the nearby phone.

  “How are we going to do that?” Pooey asked.

  “I’m gonna ask my dad.” She dialed the phone number for her father’s church, hoping he was still in it.

  “Hey, dad,” she said when he picked up.

  “Dora?” he asked.

  “Yeah, it’s Dora—”

  “Your mother wants to know when you’re picking up your laundry.”

  “What laundry?” She frowned. He didn’t sound surprised to hear from her, especially considering that the last time he’d seen her, she’d died.

  “I know you and your friends are sharing a house during college, but you can’t use your mother as a free laundry service.” Her father admonished. “If you’re old enough for your own apartment, then you’re old enough to do your own laundry.”

  “Right, I’m at college now.” Dora frowned at Kieron. Time appeared to have passed without them being in it. The world was different by the sound of it. “So er, dad, what’s my address now?”

  “What?”

  “I mean, where are you forwarding my mail to? I just want to check you have the right address…” She shrugged.

  If in doubt, bullshit your way out.

  “It's that new complex near the college. Your little ginger friend who owns the apartment gave me the address. It’s here somewhere. Um yep, here’s the address: 66B Hellsgate Apartments, Sixth Street. Does that sound right?”

  Dora nodded. “Yeah, that sounds right, Dad. Thanks.” A slow smile spread on her face. She had her own place. She had a red room. She lived with her best friends. It was everything she’d ever dreamed of.

  She said goodbye to her dad and then hung up before turning around and beaming a smile at Kieron and Pooey. “This is our apartment! We live here, together.”

  Kieron grinned. “We moved in together then.” He slipped an arm around her waist.

  Pooey headed over to the couch before jumping on it and sitting down. “I get to live with you two, fuckin’ awesome. Go get me some cheesy puffs.”

  Kieron and Dora sat beside him. They all stared blankly at the TV for a moment.

  “So, is that it?” Dora asked. “Is that all the crazy Heaven and Hell shit over with now?”

  “Probably not, I’ve still got magic,” Pooey said.

  “I’m still a demon,” Kieron said.

  “I’m still a fail-witch.” Dora laughed. Then she sank back against Kieron. She was happy. For the first time in her life, she was content. Sure, there was crazy shit around every corner, and she was certain there would be more to come. But right now, she was alive, safe and with her best friends. Life was great. She was happy to be alive. She was happy to be home. She was happy that she wasn’t a god. She sank into the couch.

  For the first time in her life, she was in the right place at the right time and with the right people. This was where she belonged. This was her home.

  Kieron hugged her against him, and then he kissed her on the top of her head.

  “You know what I don’t get,” Pooey said.

  They both glanced over at him.

  “What the fuck happened to Lucian?”

  Thirty-One

  The Fallen One

  Lucian screamed as he dropped out of Heaven, falling at high-speed toward Earth.

  “Fuuuuck!” He tried to summon any kind of power to save himself, but since that stupid fucking girl had locked up his powers, he’d been powerless to change anything.

  Sure, she might have fixed Heaven, but she royally screwed up the universe when she overloaded. She’d passed on his powers to the older gods, and they’d cast his ass out of Heaven.

  “I made this fucking place! You can’t throw me out of it!” He shouted at a cloud as he passed it by.

  The face of an older god materialized in the fluffy cloud. It simply smiled at him.

  “Oh, fuck you!” he cried. Then he glanced down and yelped.

  Below him, the ocean drew closer and closer.

  “You don’t even understand gravity. Give me my fucking powers, or I’ll come into Heaven anyway, idiot!”

  A bolt of lightning slammed into his back, and he cried out as the power surged through him.

  Awesome, they’re going to fucking electrocute me.

  His pulse raced as he plopped into the ocean with a loud splat, the impact causing his teeth to rattle.

  He panicked for a moment as he sank. But when he stopped struggling, he realized that he didn’t need to breathe. It took him a few moments to figure i
t out, but he eventually realized that they had given him back some of his powers when they shot him in the back.

  Breathing a sigh, he swam up to the surface. He bobbed for a while, trying to determine the best direction to head in. When he saw land ahead of him, he swam toward it.

  Exhausted by the time he reached a nearby beach, he dragged himself through the surf before flopping onto the beach with the sun burning down on his back.

  He tried to summon his powers, struggling to muster the energy to summon anything. After a moment, he gave up. Whatever power he had was diluted now. He sank into the sand in defeat.

  This is going to suck.

  THE END

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  PREVIEW

  Read the preview for A Hint of Hell on the next page to read Kieron's origin story.

  * * *

  Do you want to read the preview?

  READ CHAPTER ONE

  One

  Bloody Late Again

  Kieron Lascher hurried through the streets of Hell, bustling past a range of colorful demons with his heart hammering and a cold sweat forming on his brow.

  Please let me make it. I can’t be late. If I fail this exam, I’m screwed!

  His pulse was racing as he dashed past the array of stores, his black robes flapping behind him.

  He skidded around the corner of the Zombie Emporium, his eyes meeting with those of a talking head in the window as he turned onto Fifth Street. The head’s mouth opened and closed, baring rotting yellow teeth as it continued to speak soundlessly through the glass.

  He shook his head and stared down the road.

  His heart stopped beating for a moment when he saw the flames bursting out of the rocket-like exhaust pipes on the back of the school bus.