by Lila Rose
Penny sighed. “Are you going to share it with us?”
Looking from her to Frank, I announced, “His name’s Koda Brooks.” Koda was short for Simone’s middle name Dakoda. I wanted our son to not only remember his mum in memories, but in a way he would never forget who she was, and I’d make sure he knew where his name came from.
Both Penny and Frank’s eyes teared while smiling down at me. Then Penny took a handkerchief out of her jacket pocket and dabbed her eyes. “Simone would love that.”
With a stiff nod, I stated, “Good.” After a deep breath, I added, “I have to talk to the both of you about something.” Standing, I gestured for Penny to sit. She did, and immediately, she slipped her hand into the opening, reaching out to hold Koda’s hand. I started pacing back and forth, worried about my decision but knew in my heart it would be for the best.
“Son, you can tell us anything. You know this.”
Stopping, I faced them. “I need to get away. Once Koda is healthy, I’m moving to Halls Gap. My mum lives up there. She’s willing to help.” Penny went to say something, but I held up my hand. “I know you’re both more than willing to help out, but I need to do this first month or so on my own. He’s my son. I need to learn to take care of him, see where we both fit. I’m not saying I don’t want either of you in his life. You can come see him anytime you want. Seriously, anytime.” I ran a hand over my face and admitted, “This area brings back too many memories. Fuckin’ great memories, but I want to⦠no, I need a change of scenery. Fresh start, for the both of us.”
“Kalen.” Penny smiled sadly. “We can understand it. We already do. We both appreciate how you’ve accepted us in his life, so whatever you need to do, we will stand by you.”
Looking to Frank, he nodded and said, “It’s not that far anyway.”
My whole body sagged with relief until I heard a gruff voice behind me say, “When were you thinking of telling me, brother?”
Turning, I found Dodge and Willow standing there. Willow reached out to her man, but he shrugged her off and stalked outta the room.
Shit.
Glancing over my shoulder, I waited for Penny’s nod before following him. Willow gave me an encouraging smile as I passed, and then I heard her say, “Let me see that bundle of cuteness.”
She and Josie had been a huge help in the last three weeks. They took turns to visit me, offering breaks while I showered, and they spoilt Koda with all the things they bought him. Hell, so many had offered their help, even Wildcat and her posse from Ballarat, but I knocked them back. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate their support. I just wondered if they were scared, I couldn’t handle the responsibility of a newborn baby. Still, it was what I wanted to do, and I’d fuckin’ managed well so far.
“Dodge,” I called out as soon as I was in the hallway. He was halfway down when he stopped but didn’t turn to face me. Slowly, I made my way to his side. He turned his head and glared at me. “You were my next call. It just happened Simone’s parents visited when they did.”
“Why would you want to leave when you have so much support here?” he demanded.
Closing my eyes, I sighed. Opening them, I met his hard stare with my weary one. “Too many memories here, brother. It was a fuckin’ hard choice to make. Shit, I’ll miss your ugly mug.” He snorted. “But I want it just me and Koda for a while. It’s all happened so fast. Christ, I’m not even sure if it’s all sunk in. You never know, I could move and freak out when it’s just me and the kid, but I want to give the two of us a chance to bond.”
“You been reading parenting books again?” He smirked.
Rolling my eyes, I gave him the finger. The dick knew me too well because I had been reading parenting books. “It just feels right”âI thumped my chest with my fistâ“in here.”
“Fuck,” he cursed and ran a hand through his hair. “You and your mum drive each other crazy. You sure you’ll survive?” It was then I knew he’d accepted it.
“I think I will. But you know I’ll miss your arse, so you’d better come visit with Willow and the kids.”
Dodge gripped the back of my neck, pulled me to him, and slapped my shoulder a few times before stepping away. “You couldn’t hold me back, brother.”
“Good.”
Two weeks later, Koda and I drove towards our new house in Halls Gap. Even though I was relieved as fuck to leave the hospital, the nurses were sad to see us go. They’d been a big help in the days before Koda was taken off the machines. I already knew how to feed him, what type of formula he needed, and how much to give him. I’d been doing it since day one through the gap in the incubator. After though, they’d taught me how to bathe him, take care of his skin, and dress him carefully. I near freaked every time he’d cry, but slowly, I gained more confidence. I just hoped it stayed that way.
When we pulled up out the front of the house, my mum was already standing there waiting with a full, wide smile on her face. She looked good for her age. Not that long ago did she turn sixty, and still she wore jeans and Bonds tees with ankle boots nearly every day.
Looking in the rear-view mirror, I said, “We’re here, buddy. Time to meet your crazy nanna.” Worry consumed me when I didn’t see any movement coming from the car seat. I was out of the car and ripping his door open in a second, only to find him sound asleep.
Fuck. It suddenly all dawned on me. I had a child. My woman had died. I was in a new place. Without my brothers. Without their support.
With a kid.
And no Simone.
Simone, who could make me smile, make me want to laugh at the world, and make me love so hard it hurt.
Now I was hurting for a different reason.
“Sweetheart?” Mum voiced as she started for the car.
I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t let her see me like this. I was a bad motherfucker, and no emotion should be able to get the best of me. No emotion should have the right to control me, cripple me.
“Oh, Kalen.” She tried to take me in her arms until I shoved off, holding the car door, and stepped back, again and again.
“No,” I clipped out roughly.
Mum’s eyes filled with tears. “You’re going to be okay.”
My goddamn, motherfucking bottom lip trembled. I shook my head at her over and over. “No.”
“Sweetheart,” her voice cracked. “You will be okay.”
When? When would it stop hurting?
Christ. I had to be strong for our son. I had to be stone, but right then I wasn’t feeling it.
Everything felt heavy, like it was all crashing down on me.
Mum stepped towards me, her arms wide. I took another step back, shaking my head, and I found myself thanking Christ the house was set in a secluded area around woods, so no one witnessed what a pansy I was being.
My knees buckled under me, and they hit the grass. My hands covered my face, and I heard my mum cry out before she rushed to me and knelt beside me. My upper body fell forward as a sob hit my throat. My hands hit the ground, and I stayed there, trying to get myself under control, but I couldn’t.
“Kalen, my dear boy. You’ll get through this. You will. Everything will be okay.”
“Fuck, Mum. Fuck. I’ve lost her. Lost her. She’ll never get the chance to see our son. She’ll never get t-to hold him.” My fingers dug into the grass, ripping shards into my fisted hands. “How will it be okay? She didn’t deserve this.”
“No, she didn’t,” Mum whispered.
Turning my head, I looked to Mum and said, “She’ll never hold him, see him, watch him grow. It should have been me. I should have died, taken her placeâ”
“No!”
“Koda would be better off with Simone, not me.”
“You can’t say this. Don’t take the guilt of Simone losing her life onto you. It’s the way the world is. No one can guess when or how they’ll die. I’m sure Simone is up there looking down and thinking you’ve done a fucking fantastic job already. She didn’t just get
anyone to knock her up. She chose you, Kalen, for a reason. Make her reason a good one.”
Hell. I could see where Mum was coming from.
“It hurts, Mum. It fucking kills me.”
“I know, my baby boy. I know, and that pain will last a long time. But you need to go with it, don’t bottle that up and let it fester. Let it out, Kalen. For you and for Koda.”
My son’s cry from the car had me kneeling back and scrubbing a hand over my face. Mum stood beside me and held out her hand to me. I took it with a shuddering breath and stood beside her, bringing her into my arms.
“It’s good to see you.”
She laughed. “Let’s see if you say that in a month’s time.”
True. Like Dodge said, we drove each other crazy, and we both knew it.
But right then, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.
“Let me go and meet my grandbaby.” She pulled back, patted my cheek, and walked to the car. Mum never made it to the hospital because she was on a cruise. She had more of a social life since my sperm-supplier died five years ago. She had a tight-knit group of friends, and they all loved going to different places. There was no way in hell I’d think about the old dudes who travelled with her as some fella she was bonking.
Fuck. I went there, and now I felt like throwing up.
Besides feeling sick and dog-tired, I had to get my boy settled in with a feed, a bath, and fuck me, a bedtime story.
Making my way to the house, following Mum and Koda, I walked in and knew straight away Mum had picked well. The three-bedroom brick home had a top-notch security system and already felt homey. One of those fake gas fires was lit in the wall and warming the living room. The place was already set up with furniture; the only change was Mum buying baby stuff for Koda’s room, which was right next to mine down the narrow hall.
I walked in where she was changing his diaper and blowing raspberries on his belly while Koda looked at her like she was crazy. “Did you get those things for the drawers and doors so he won’t get his fingers stuck in them? What about the electrical plugs, did you get them also?”
She looked at me and rolled her eyes. “Yes, Kalen. After the tenth text reminding me not to forget them, I got them and put them all in already.” She smiled down at Koda on the change table. “Your daddy is cuckoo like cocaine. It’s not like you’re even crawling, and already he’s overprotective.”
“Jesus, Mum, do not say cocaine around my kid.”
She giggled. “It’s not like he understands me.”
“Don’t matter. Cut that shit out.”
She kissed Koda’s belly again, pulled back, and said, “Go have a shower, Kalen. You stink like dog shit. I’ll keep him entertained until you’re done.”
Sighing, I shook my head but found myself smiling for once. “Thanks, Mum.”
She looked over at me and smiled, her eyes warming. “Anything for my boy.” Then she shrugged and added, “Unless it interrupts my sexy time with Donald.”
Groaning, I ran a hand over my face. “Fucking hell, Mum,” I muttered before I got out of there. First, I grabbed my bag outta the car, and then I went for a shower.
Later that night, after Mum had cooked for me and left saying she’d be back tomorrow, I sat in the living room chair with Koda in my arms. He was fighting sleep as he drank from his bottle. These moments, when everything was quiet and calm were something special. But it also was the time sorrow hit me hard knowing Simone missed out on it all. All I could do was pray my woman was up in heaven looking down on us seeing what I was seeing: that we’d made a perfect baby.
Chapter Three
Seven Months Later
Dive
I couldn’t believe how fast time had flown by. Koda’s excitement grew each day when he learned something new. While he wasn’t at the crawling stage yet, he was sitting and investigating everything around him. Every day was precious. Every day he made me smile, laugh, and love him more. Even though sorrow still cut me deep every time Simone was on my mind, which was a lot, Koda would bring me out of the depth of darkness by laughing, smiling, or rambling on about some shit I didn’t understand.
But not a day went by I didn’t miss her.
“Brother, let’s jet.”
Looking to Dodge over my shoulder, I gave him a nod and leaned down to kiss Koda on the forehead as he sat on the floor playing. Standing, I turned to Mum, who was in the kitchen and said, “Call me, if you need anything.”
She rolled her eyes. “No, Kalen. I won’t call if anything happens. Don’t be an idiot and go out for your guys’ night without worrying. But you need to think about what I said, so talk it over with your bro there. Maybe he can talk sense into you.”
Dodge snorted. “I highly doubt it, Judy. There ain’t much goin’ up in that head of his.”
She sighed. “It’s sad but true.”
Throwing my hands up in the air, I barked, “Fuck off, the both of you.” Then I headed for the front door with a laughing Dodge following me.
Dodge had showed yesterday with Willow while their kids were at school. He’d arrived on my ride, which I sure fuckin’ missed, and Willow was in their four-wheel drive with Dallas sitting beside her. Dodge would never let her travel alone. Pick and Billy were riding up Dodge’s Harley later, meeting us at the pub.
We climbed into my Jeep and made our way into town.
“Lucky it’s only a steering wheel you got a hold of and not someone’s neck,” Dodge commented with a chuckle.
“Fuck, man. It’s my first night goin’ out without Koda. You’re gonna hav’ta give me a break,” I grumbled.
“I’ll try, as long as you keep the calls home to a minimum of two. Any more, your arse is mine to say what I wish to.”
“Screw you, dude.”
He shoved my shoulder. “Come on, brother. Ease up. It’s no wonder Judy called me and said you’re in need of a guys’ night. How tight are your panties right now?”
Sighing, I pulled into the car park off the pub and scrubbed my hand over my face after I parked. “They’re so fuckin’ tight I can’t see straight. I worry all the time. Is Koda eating enough? Is he sleeping okay? Shit, I’m up half the night thinking he’s not breathing.”
“Don’t you have a baby monitor?”
“Yeah, but then I worry it’s stopped working.”
“Koda looks like a healthy baby to me. What’s got you worried? Something one of those child health nurses said?”
Shrugging, I then shook my head. “No, they’ve said he’s at where he should be. Even though he’s not crawling yet like I see other kids his age do. She said there’s nothing to worry about.”
“Then what is it?” Dodge asked.
Looking out the side window, I stared off into the dark night and admitted quietly, “I worry I’ll lose him.”
The car was silent for a while. Dodge knew me well enough to know if I lost Koda in any way, I wouldn’t come back from it.
“We’ll have to make sure none of that happens.” He gave me a shove. “Come on, let’s go get a drink. God knows we both need one.”
Walking into the pub, we grabbed a booth to the side. As soon as we sat, a waitress came up. “What can I get you two?”
“Just a couple of Coronas,” Dodge answered. After she had left, he turned to me and asked, “What did Judy mean at the house?”
Leaning back in the seat, I glanced around the joint to see it wasn’t that busy, before I said, “I told her I got a job landscaping. Asked her to take care of Koda during the day. My boy doesn’t trust strangers, but he does his nan.”
Dodge came forward, his elbows on the table, his hands in front of him. “Hang on, why in the fuck you gettin’ a job in the first place. It’s not like you need the money?”
Rolling my eyes, I told him, “Mum’s idea. Said I needed to get outta the house more before I go insane. It’s true. I float around Koda all worried and shit. I need a break, but I only trust Mum with him.”
“So what’s the probl
em?” Dodge asked as the waitress came back and sat our beers down, along with her number scribbled on a napkin. She gave me a wink before stalking away. I took up the number and crumpled it into a ball, throwing it off to the side. “She wasn’t bad looking,” Dodge offered with a smirk on his face.
“Not happenin’. Never fuckin’ happenin’.” Taking a deep breath, I answered his first question. “The problem is, Mum wants to take a trip with her friends, and she leaves in two weeks.”
Dodge threw up a hand, and said, “Then don’t go for the job.”
“I’ve come to realise I need to, man. I’m becoming obsessed. If I don’t do this, I’ll be the hermit man not lettin’ my kid outta my sight. Shit, just the other day I was looking up what it took to do homeschooling.”
Dodge burst out laughing. “The beard is helping people thinkin’ you’re a hermit.” I gave him the finger. “If your job is a part-time one, I could get Willow to come up here for Koda?”
“Nah, man. Thanks, but it’s putting too many out. You can’t tell me she’d come up without a guard or two since fuckface is still sniffing around. Plus, she has your two to take care of.” Baxter Davis was a sick cunt. Not only did he have it out for Hawks, he was into selling women against their will. He tried it with Willow, but she escaped her cousin who was gonna sell her to Baxter. Thank fuck because, no doubt, the owner Baxter would have found for Low would have been just as fucked-up as the man in charge.
“Then come back to Caroline Springs. Between all the old ladies, we can help out.”
Shaking my head, I said, “Not ready for it, brother.”
“Why?”
“I can’t explain it, but I feel I need to stay here longer.”
“Everyone’s missin’ ya back home.”
“Aw, you wanna cuddle later?”
“Yeah, I kinda do. But only if you play with my hair while we nap.”
Laughter left my throat. “Fuck, it’s good to see you.” Dodge and I had been lucky enough to find our places right next door to each other when weâd moved to Caroline Springs. I’d come to Hawks a year after he had, and since then, we’d been stuck like glue. Some days I was sure he wished it wasn’t the case, but hell, he wasn’t gettin’ rid of me. Since being away, I’d found the phone calls hadn’t been enough. It’d been too long to see his ugly mug, but he’d had shit with work happening. I’d seen Simone’s parents a few times. They’d been up to visit, and Koda adored the attention from them. It was like he remembered them from the hospital or he knew somehow that they were his mum’s ‘rents.