by Lila Rose
Of course I would have wanted to know. I’d want to be there every step of the way. I’d missed out on so much already: the first time she got to hear the heartbeat, the first picture of our child, the growth. Fuck, everything. I would have taken care of her. I would have helped. But I had no choice given to me and not only did it piss me way the fuck off, but it felt like my heart had been sliced open.
Her cry of pain brought my attention back to her, just as a puddle of wetness pooled down her legs to the floor.
“Shit,” Billy bit out. “Josie,” he yelled.
Pick was the first in the room. When Josie got through the door, I heard her gasp.
“No, no, no. It’s too soon. Call an ambulance,” Josie ordered as she ran to Simone’s side. “Dive, get your arse over here and help her.” My body jolted and my eyes went to Simone. Panic held her eyes wide and kept me captive.
Moving to her side, I gripped her arm and slid my other arm behind her back. “Come on, baby. Let’s get you outside.” All anger fled seeing Simone scared.
“Dive,” she whispered. Her nails bit into my arm as a contraction had her crying out again. Once it settled, she said, in a scared, soft voice, “It’s too soon. He shouldn’t be coming now. I don’t want to⦔
“The doctors will get it all sorted, baby. Could be,”âfuck, I didn’t have a clueâ“I don’t know, a false alarm or something.”
We started for the door when I heard Josie whisper, “Did you tell him?” Her voice was tight with sorrow. Simone shook her head, and Josie sighed. Her eyes met mine over Simone’s head, and all I saw was pain.
What wasn’t Simone telling me?
We’d made it down the stairs before another contraction nearly took her to the ground. The pain was obvious on her scrunched-up features, and I wished I could take it away from her. Even though she’d fucked up big time, my feelings never vanished. Hell, I even kept my dick in my pants since she’d been outta my life, in the hope she’d come back. Now I wouldn’t leave her with a choice; she was having our kid. She was mine, and she’d better bloody accept it.
Billy stood out on the street ready to flag down the ambo. I was leaning against my ride with Simone between my legs leaning against me. Josie paced in front of us while Pick stood back watching his woman, his body tense. All of us wore a frown of worry, our brows drawn down in concern, and I knew I wasn’t the only one feeling anxious, wishing help would hurry the hell up. Simone looked weak and tired. She’d lost weight even though she was pregnant. It was as if dark circles had been drawn under her eyes. Pale skin replaced what used to be a healthy glow, and she had no strength as she leaned against me. Her head rested in the crook of my neck until another contraction took hold. I grabbed her and held her up as she breathed through it, but every one she had seemed to drain her each time. More worry burned low in my belly as her panting breath worsened. Her eyes drooped lower and her cheeks seemed hollowed.
Thank fuck the sirens sounded off in the distance. It wouldn’t be long until we had her at the hospital, and they’d be able to help her where I couldn’t.
“They’re coming, baby,” I said and kissed her forehead. “We’ll be okay.”
“Dive,” Simone whispered, her voice trembling.
“They’re here,” Billy announced. My shoulders sagged in relief. I gently guided Simone to stand and stood behind her as they pulled up. One woman and a guy jumped outta the vehicle and ran our way.
“What do we have here?” the woman asked.
“What in the fuck do you think?” I clipped out harshly. Did she know how to do her job?
“Casey,” the guy ambo said. I watched the woman catch his eyes, and then he flicked his gaze to our Harleys. She stiffened and walked back to the ambulance to grab out the gurney and wheeled it over.
“Dive, let them get Simone to the hospital,” Josie said in a soothing voice. “They know what they’re doing.”
Glaring at them, I said, “I’m going with her.”
“No,” Simone yelled.
“Don’t start, woman,” I barked down at her as they helped her lay on the mattress.
“Please, I need you to bring my car. The keys are inside, and I’ll need the car seat.”
“Billy can take care of it,” I ground the words out through clenched teeth.
“Dive,” Josie started, laying her hand on my arm. “I’ll go with her. We know you won’t be far behind, and I promise I won’t let anything happen to her.”
Fuck. I didn’t want to leave her, and I didn’t understand why she wanted me outta her hair for the ride there. None of it made sense. Though I didn’t want Simone worked up more than she was. Time was taking a toll on her. Finally, I nodded, and they bolted, with my woman on the gurney, to the ambulance. Before they were ready to take off, I ran to Simone’s apartment, grabbed her keys, and tailed it to her car. Pick and Billy were already on their rides. I knew they’d follow me the whole way there.
In the rear-view mirror, I saw Nary pull up out front. Billy stayed back to let Nary know what was going down. Betrayal clawed at my chest. Had she known Simone was pregnant with my kid and didn’t tell me? Hell, I hoped not. I was ropable already, and I didn’t want to take it out on Nary. She had enough going on.
My hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as I looked in the back seat at the small car seat strapped in. Christ, I was gonna be a father. Me, a dad. My mind struggled to comprehend it. Also, a deep-rooted dread pounded through my veins; Simone was holding something back from me.
Was something wrong with our kid?
My chest ached at the thought.
Pulling up out the front of emergency, I jumped out and bolted for the doors. Pick was hot on my heels. As soon as the doors opened, I was at the counter demanding to be let through for my woman.
From there, everything went fast. Too fuckin’ fast.
A nurse led me through to Simone’s room. Josie was in there holding her hand. Two different doctors were rushing around hooking my woman up to machines while a nurse was between her legs checking out something down there.
“Everything all right?” I asked. All movement ceased for a second to take me in. Then the doctors looked at the nurse.
She sighed and nodded. “All looks good for the child. It’s a bit early, but we’ll take care of everything.”
I gave her a chin lift as another nurse came in with some space-looking crib thingy. She smiled at me and said, “It’s an incubator. Your child will have to stay in here for a little while until itâs ready to go home.”
Grunting out a reply, I then asked, “So, the kid is coming?” My head spun. Everything was happenin’ so fast.
She smiled, but it was sad. “Yes, your child has had enough of waiting. It wants to come and now.”
My feet took me to my woman’s side before I even registered I’d moved. Josie, who stood on the other side, was crying. My knuckles were white with how hard my hands clenched at my sides. Something was going on I didn’t know about. But just as I was about to demand answers, another contraction hit Simone. Her eyes closed. Her mouth pinched tightly, and she bared down.
My gut dropped at the sight of Simone in pain. I’d do anything to take it from her. Fuck. I ran a hand through my hair in frustration.
“Should she be pushing?” Josie asked in an alarmingly high voice. Panic reared inside of me.
A doctor pushed me aside and barked down at Simone, “No pushing, Simone. Please just let us do a C-section.”
What in the fuck is goin’ on?
She shook her head and licked her dry, cracked lips. “T-there’s no point. We all know this.” She opened her eyes and called, “Dive.”
The doctor stepped back, his face solemn, his eyes sad.
I stepped up, my mouth dipping down with worry. “Baby, what’s going on?” I pleaded.
“G-get Pick or Billy in here for Josie, please.”
My head jerked back. “Why?”
“No one else can come in. The room is alr
eady too full.” The other doctor said before he stepped up to Josie’s side and held his stethoscope to Simone’s chest, listening to her heart.
Simone snorted. “What’s one more, Doc?”
“Simone.” The doctor sighed and shook his head.
“Please,” she begged. “They’ll need him.”
“Who will need who?” I asked, confused at fuck.
My eyes stayed on my woman, even as Josie bent low and whispered something to her. I didn’t see anyone leave the room, but I noticed when Pick came in. He immediately stood behind his woman.
Flexing my clenched jaw, I welcomed the grind of pain and the distraction it offered. The nurses and doctors busied themselves around the room while Josie stood and held Simone’s hand tightly, but she curled her body into Pick. He wound his arms around her as her body shook with sobs.
Simone’s hand in mine tightened, only just a little; her strength wasn’t there. My eyes went back down to her. She smiled up at me, but I could see the strain on her face. She cleared her throat. “I’m so sorry.” Tears fell from her eyes. “I love you. I always have, but I wanted to protect you from this and leave you with something to remember me by.”
Fear gripped my heart and squeezed. “Wait, what? Baby, what do you mean? What are you talking about?”
Her chest heaved with a heavy breath; she opened her mouth to answer, but then her eyes widened, and her hand went slack. The machines went crazy, and Josie screamed, as I watched Simone smile before her eyes closed.
No. Christ, please no.
Cold. I was so fuckin’ cold as I watched on powerless. My whole body shivered, my stomach churning at the sight of my woman lying motionless on the bed.
“Do something,” I yelled, my voice thick with misery.
Doctors barked orders I didn’t listen to. Pick pulled Josie back to let the doctors work while I leaned down and whispered, “Don’t you die on me, baby. Don’t leave me. Our kid needs you, needs his mother. And I need my woman. My life. Don’t leave me, baby.” My voice quivered. Fuck. Fuck. “Please,” I begged her.
Her body jolted. I looked down to see a doctor slice open my woman’s stomach. Seconds ticked by before I saw a baby pulled free. It was tiny, still and silent.
Fuck. Jesus, no, no, no.
I closed my eyes tight. I didn’t want to see; all of it was fuckin’ agony laced with more heartache.
“Sir,” a nurse beside me murmured.
Ignoring her, I opened my eyes to Simone. It couldn’t be over. Gripping my hair, I shook my head. I wanted to tear my fuckin’ hair out, slit my wrists, or have someone beat me senseless so I didn’t feel. I didn’t want to feel. It hurt too much. Though, my body seemed to be already going through the process. A stabbing pain ripped through my chest, my stomach convulsing in agony. Still, my head, my mind wouldn’t let it be the end, wouldn’t accept it. “No,” I whispered through clenched teeth.
People around me yelled and moved. They’d left Simone to work on the baby.
“She’s gone. I’m sorry.” The nurse touched my arm. I shook her off and pressed my forehead against my woman’s.
“Please, come back to me, baby.” My breath hitched. “Please.”
“I’m sorry,” the nurse said again.
My hand went to Simone’s face, but it was cold. She was cold and still. No life left inside of her. My woman was gone. No longer would I see her smile, hear her laugh and feel her at my side.
Standing, I threw my head back and screamed my anguish, “No!” Tilting my head down, my eyes landed on the nurse, and I ordered with a snarl, “Work on her. Make her live.” I grabbed her arm and pulled her closer. “Fucking help her.”
“Brother,” Pick said, his usually hard voice was soft. He grabbed my wrist. “Let the nurse go.”
“She needs to help my woman,” I demanded, my eyes hard on my brother.
“Brother,” he whispered, his eyes heavy with sorrow. “She’s gone.”
My eyes narrowed even more. “She’s not.”
Don’t make it real. Don’t take my life away from me. We can make us work. We’re a family.
But they were so still. They weren’t moving. My woman. My child. Unmoving and no breath in their bodies.
My chest heaved to fight for air.
“She is,” Pick murmured.
He dropped my wrist when I let go of the nurse, who immediately stepped back. It was just as well because the next thing I grabbed was a stand. I picked it up and crashed it to the floor, over and over, screaming and cursing through the pain ripping into me. Through the reality crashing into my soul.
“Get him out,” someone barked.
A hand wrapped around my throat, and I was pushed up and then out of the room, stumbling until my back was forced up against a wall with Pick in my face snapping, “Enough.”
“Fuck you,” I snarled. “Fuck you,” I roared.
Ruckus arose around us. People yelled, ran, and things fell to the ground.
“I’m sorry,” Pick offered.
Leaning forward, his hand tightened on my throat as Billy showed at his side, “Fuck. You,” I growled. Anger was good. Better than sorrow.
Pick shook his head sadly. “She’s gone, brother. Let it sink in. Take it on board and come back to the now because you need to fight for your kid.”
“No.” I shook my head, my eyes closing. “It wasn’t moving. It wasn’t crying. They fuckin’ cry when they come out. It’s⦠Fuck. Fuck me, motherfucking hell.”
“It’s not the end, brother. They’re still in there fighting for him. You need to as well.”
Unmanageable pain nearly took me to my knees, but Pick had me. He dropped his hand from my throat and held my chest against the wall.
“Fight for him,” Pick whispered.
“She’s gone.” Despair formed inside of me.
“She is.” Pick nodded.
“She’s gone,” I cried, opening my eyes as tears filled them.
“She has.”
“Brother.” Pain weaved itself through that one word, desperate and with no chance of ever dulling. I banged my head back into the wall and snapped my eyes closed. I let it all seep in. The loss, the pain, the anguish.
I let it all in until I heard a baby’s cry from the other room.
Chapter Two
Dive
Dead. I was dead on the inside. All that kept me going was seeing Simone’s eyes in our child’s. Hours after our son was brought back to life, I found out exactly what Simone had kept from me. Not only did she have a tumour surrounding her heart, but also one in her brain. Both were inoperable. My woman had known she was dying a long time ago. Josie told me she only found out before she called me. Simone had told her that as soon as the doctors had explained she was dying, she’d stopped taking her birth control pills. She knew she didn’t have long to live, and she wanted to leave a piece of herself behind on earth. I wasn’t sure she was fully aware of the choices she’d made. Maybe with everything she was going through, her thoughts and ideas were scrambled in her emotional state. She also didn’t want me to see her fade at the rapid pace she was. Which was why she disappeared. All of it⦠everything she’d chosen to do was all wrong and selfish in a way. She’d been staying with her parents; they helped her through everything when I wished it had been me.
I wished every-fuckin’-day I had more time with her.
Nary had come up to me after the funeral saying she was sorry for not taking more notice, but I knew both her and Josie had been busy with their own classes and lives.
I was a dad.
A father to a little boy and I didn’t have a goddamn clue what to do.
Two weeks had passed, and I was at the hospital once again sitting beside my son’s incubator in the NICU area where he was still hooked up to machines. He was still tiny and weak, but getting better as each day passed. They said in only days heâd be taken off the machines, and I fuckin’ couldn’t wait for it. Couldn’t wait to hold him in my arms. He was a surv
ivor, and I believed Simone had a part in his survival. She looked over him that dark day.
A part of me wished it had been me to die. Simone should have been the one sitting where I was, talking to him, reading to him, and even singing to him in her off-key voice.
But I couldn’t hold a grudge against the little guy because of it. Simone was sick. There was no way she could have lived through the strain of the birth. Even if she hadn’t have given birth, the doctors later explained she hadn’t long to live. She put all her energy, time, and love into our child, so I would do the same, and I’d make sure he knew his mother loved him so fuckin’ much.
In this new phase of my life, the old me was gone. It left with my woman that same day. I was colder to all, except my son. A smile only lit my face when my boy opened his eyes. No laugh fell from my lips except for when I learned how to change a diaper the first time. There wasn’t time to joke; all my time was for my son and no one else.
It was the way it was supposed to be.
He was all I had.
So I’d be there for him.
The door to the room opened and in walked Simone’s parents. They visited every second day. When they saw me, a small pity-filled smile played on their lips. They were rich pricks. I’d hated them when they’d kicked Simone out a long time ago, but, in my eyes, they’d redeemed themselves when they took her in and cared for her. Showed her the love they always should have and made sure she was happy in her last days.
“Kalen,” Penny said, her hand going to my shoulder. They both refused to call me Dive. They didn’t want their grandchild to have a biker daddy, but they soon got over it when they saw how I was with my son. Still, to them, I’d never be Dive, especially when Simone had always called me by Kalen to them. “How is he today?” Penny asked, giving my shoulder a squeeze.
“Better. Gettin’ stronger every day.”
“That’s great.” Frank nodded, his smile widening. “Have you chosen a name yet?”
Snorting, because there was no way I was gonna call my son Frank junior like Frank wanted me to, I nodded and said, “Yeah, I have.”