Last Summer: A Novel

by Kerry Lonsdale

  “I . . .” She stops, catching herself before she says the words I don’t love you. Almost the exact words her mom shouted at her dad that fateful Thanksgiving night.

  Bite your tongue, Ella.

  Nathan watches her expectantly. Ella realizes there’s no easy way to tell him. There’s never an easy way when it comes to matters of the heart, especially when one’s heart is being worn on his navy-blue flannel sleeve, as in Nathan’s case.

  Ella chooses her words carefully, and she chooses to be honest. “I care about you, Nathan. I care about you a great deal. More than I should.”

  He makes a pained sound deep in his throat. “Then why not follow through on it?”

  “I can’t. I mean, I won’t. I believe you when you say I loved you once. But I don’t remember how I felt about you. I don’t feel that way now.” She whispers the last admission.

  He watches her quietly. He looks as if he doubts her. She shifts, uncomfortable under his gaze.

  Ella looks at her hands in her lap.

  “Simon was yours.”

  When she doesn’t hear a response from Nathan, she lifts her head to make sure he heard her. He did. His face has gone white. He squeezes his clasped hands so tightly together that Ella can see the whites of his knuckles from where she sits.

  Suddenly, he pushes to his feet and goes to the window. Arms folded over his chest, he keeps his back to her.

  “Remember when you told me we ran into each other in Reno? I don’t think I knew he was yours then.” Ella tries to explain what she’s concluded based on what she’s been told, careful not to betray her husband’s confidence. Nathan doesn’t need to know about Damien’s sterility. “Damien told me he wasn’t the father the same day as my accident. That must have been why I called you.”

  Nathan crosses the room back to her. “You called me seconds before your accident. We got cut off. I was on the phone with you when . . . God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were driving. I would have told you to call me back or find someplace to park so that we could talk. I can’t stop thinking that had I simply hung up, Simon would be with us today. Don’t you see, Ella? It’s my fault he’s dead.” He’s crying now. Reaching for her, he pulls her into his arms. “I’m so sorry. About everything. Can you forgive me?”

  For an instant, Ella wants to shove him away. She wants to blame him. For everything. But it’s not his fault. She’s the one who called him. She’s the one who’d been on the phone while driving and not paying attention at the intersection.

  Nathan blames himself for both of his sons’ deaths. But the weight of Simon’s loss isn’t for him to carry. It’s Ella’s and Damien’s. It was their lies that got them to where they are today.

  Ella steps from his embrace and looks him in the eyes. “The accident wasn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have called you when I was so upset and driving. I forgive you, but I never blamed you, nor will I ever. Do you think you’ll be able to forgive yourself?”

  He thumbs away her tears and wipes off his own. “I’m trying.”

  “Good.” Ella nods, sniffling. “That’s good.” Looking behind her, then on the floor, she grabs her bag and hefts it onto her shoulder.

  He clears his throat. “You’re leaving?”

  “I am. I have a plane to catch.”

  “Can I see you again?”

  She shakes her head. “I don’t think so.”

  He closes his eyes, nodding. He doesn’t like her answer, but he doesn’t argue. She’s right, for both their sakes, and he knows it. Leaning in, he kisses her gently on the lips. “Goodbye, El.”

  “Bye, Nathan.” She turns to leave, then stops. Tipping her head toward the manila folder, she says, “Read it. You’ll see how I see you.” As a man who loved his wife and as a father who gave his son the best possible life. She won’t give Nathan her love, but she can give him her words. Hopefully, through them, he’ll find the peace he seeks. The strength to reconcile with himself.

  CHAPTER 34

  The following day, Ella sits on the stool that gives her the best view in Lobby Bar at the ARIA Resort. She arrived late last night after leaving Nathan’s place and checked into the same room Damien had when they first met. She debated meeting at Luna’s, but the café often gets too noisy. She also considered inviting Damien home, where they could “find each other again.” In the end, Ella decided on Las Vegas. If they’re truly going to start over the right way, by being open and honest with each other, she wants to be where it all began.

  This time, she’s not wearing a revealing slip dress and downing cocktails. The black crepe jumpsuit and cognac-colored wedges are casual and classy, more aligned with her tastes. The glass of ice water sitting on the cocktail napkin is a wiser choice than the bourbon on ice she could go for. She needs to keep a clear head.

  Damien texted thirty minutes ago that he had landed. She hasn’t seen him in over a week and she can’t stop looking around for him. Gamblers gather at tables, tossing dice. Bells ring from slot machines. Techno music pulses like a throbbing vein through the entire floor. She feels the beat inside her rib cage. Her hand shakes when she takes a sip of water. Everything about her marriage and a future with Damien rides on this next hour.

  She misses him, even aches for his embrace. She wants to see his smile and hear his voice. There’s so much she wants with Damien.

  And there he is.

  Ella watches him weave through the lounge chairs and her heart races. He’s taken off his tie and unbuttoned the top button of his shirt. His suit fits him perfectly and he looks so much like he did when she first saw him here four years ago. She feels as if she’s falling in love all over again.

  She slides off the stool and slips her arms around him when he reaches her. “I’ve missed you,” she says, resting her cheek against his chest. She breathes in his scent, the starch of his shirt, and the Giorgio Armani cologne she gifted him on their anniversary, and her nerves settle. Just a little.

  Damien takes a moment to react, but he finally wraps his arms around her. He rests his cheek on her head.

  “El.” Her name is a sigh.

  She wishes she could stay within the warm confines of his arms for the rest of the day, but there’s a reason she asked him to come. She moves out of his embrace and Damien looks at her, wary. “What’s going on?”

  She didn’t tell him anything when she called. Only that she wanted to talk and for him to meet her in Vegas.

  “Can I get you a drink, sir?”

  The bartender’s timing isn’t ideal and Damien shoots him an irritated look before tipping his head at Ella’s glass. “I’ll have what she’s having.”

  “One water coming up.”

  “Water?” Damien lifts his brows and Ella gives him a slight smile.

  “There’s so much I have to tell you.” She smooths his white shirt with a shaking hand.

  Damien stills her hand, holding it to his chest. “You’re nervous.”

  She nods.

  “Me too,” he says with a hint of a smile.

  “You’re never nervous.”

  “This time I am.” He lets go of her hand and drinks his water. “Why’d you have me come here? We could have met at home.”

  Home. Her heart flutters with hope. “I know this will seem over the top, but I have a point. I got us a room. Will you come up with me?”

  “Ella, I . . .” He turns his face away, taps a finger on the bar before looking at her again. “I would love nothing more than to take you upstairs and make love with you, but I . . .” He shakes his head, eyes sad. “I can’t.”

  “Oh, no! That’s not what I meant,” she exclaims, flustered. “I want to talk, Damien, that’s all. No expectations. I brought us here because I’m hoping we can start over, for real this time. No memory manipulation involved.”

  “Okay,” he says, nodding slowly.

  “Great.” Ella smiles. She gathers her clutch and keycard off the bar and leads them to the bank of elevators. As they walk, Damien’s fingertip
s skim the curve of her lower back, sending a current through her, arousing her. But once they step inside the elevator and the doors slide closed, he pockets his hands. He even maintains a polite distance between them and Ella has to fight the impulse to move closer.

  She presses the button to their floor and, once they’re there, swipes the keycard against the door latch panel.

  “This is the same room,” Damien observes when they walk into the suite.

  “You remembered.”

  He shrugs off his jacket. Folding it lengthwise, he lays it on the king bed and looks at Ella. Their eyes catch, and he says, “I remember everything about the night we met.”

  Ella’s entire body warms. “Me too,” she whispers.

  “I . . . ah . . .” He glances at his watch. “My flight leaves at seven.”

  “Seven?” She looks at the clock. He’s only giving them three hours. Two until he has to return to the airport. She was hoping he’d spend the night with her.

  “Early morning meeting.” He looks at her apologetically.

  “Oh, okay. So . . . how’s work?” she asks, hating how she feels awkward around her own husband.

  He walks to the window, looks down at the Strip. “Fine.”

  “The investigation?”

  “Over,” he says, turning back to her. “Thank god.”

  “Oh! That’s great.” She wishes she’d known. She would have wanted to be there with him to celebrate. “What did you find out? That’s okay if you can’t tell me. Corporate confidentiality and all that. I get it.” She crosses her arms.

  He rubs the back of his neck, lets his arm fall to his side. “I want to tell you, but—”

  “Will you tell me why your dad wants to put you out of business?” she blurts. “Will you tell me why you didn’t invite them to our wedding or call them on Christmas? Why don’t they ever call you on your birthday?”

  “Ella,” he says, slightly irritated.

  “I’m sorry.” She pushes out a breath. “That’s not how I wanted to start this.” She takes a deep breath and refocuses. “There are two things about me I want to share with you. One of them I should have told you when we started dating.”

  “Why didn’t you?” he asks curiously when she pauses.

  “After seeing the way my mom treated my dad—she was way too honest about her feelings and it destroyed them—I was scared. I thought if I was honest with you, it would tear us apart. Now I’m hoping my honesty will do the opposite. Bring us closer together.”

  Damien slides his hands into his pockets. “All right. I’m listening.”

  “I wasn’t truthful when you first asked if I wanted kids. You told me you didn’t, and I was afraid that if I said I did, you wouldn’t want to be with me. I had already fallen in love with you. I guess I thought I could give up my dream of having kids if it meant I could spend the rest of my life with you.”

  “But you didn’t give it up. You still want kids.”

  “I do, and I need to tell you why. Do you remember me telling you about my friend Grace?”

  “The one who committed suicide?”

  “Yes. This probably sounds silly, but we used to play house when we were little. We’d made a pact that when we grew up, we’d name our daughters after each other. I’ve never told anyone, but Grace left me a suicide note. I found it under my pillow. She asked if I remembered our pact. She then wrote, and I quote: ‘Please name your first daughter after me so that I can go knowing you’ll never forget me.’

  “I could never forget Grace. But I felt so guilty about what happened, and I’ve always wanted to fulfill her wish.”

  Ella inhales a shaky breath and she feels tears glide down her cheeks.

  “El,” Damien says, his voice full of compassion. Coming over to her, he cups her cheek and wipes away the moisture with his thumb. She leans into his hand. It feels so good to have him touch her again. His mouth parts and she holds up a finger.

  “I have one more thing to confess.”

  Damien lowers his arm.

  “I didn’t just intentionally forget Nathan. I tried to forget that I wanted to have children.”

  Damien falls back a step. He frowns. “How did you figure that out?”

  “Davie told me. I guess I mentioned something to her in the hospital. I’m guessing I thought I could fix our problems if I didn’t want kids, like you. Instead, I screwed up and made a total mess of my head. I forgot the wrong things, like Simon. I never would have wanted to forget him.

  “I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused us. And I’m sorry for cheating on you. I didn’t mean to hurt you. But it’ll never happen again, I promise.”

  Damien is quiet for several moments and Ella fears the worst. She wants children. He’d wanted them with Anna. Would he want them with her? If not, what was the point of staying together when they don’t want the same thing?

  But Damien says something that floors her.

  “I had a twin brother.”

  She blinks. “You did?”

  He nods. “I should have told you about him a long time ago. Broderick was the firstborn. He was also my parents’ favorite. We were only four when he died in his sleep of a heart defect no one knew about. Anytime I got less than an A on a test or didn’t beat my PR in track, my parents would not so subtly weave my brother into the conversation. They’d wonder if Broderick would have beaten my time or scored higher. I could never live up to Broderick’s imagined potential. I’ve competed against my dead brother my entire life for my parents’ recognition.”

  “How could they treat you like that?”

  “I was in Broderick’s bed when my parents found him. I guess it was easier for them to blame me than accept that their perfect child had a defect.”

  “They don’t think you killed him, do they?”

  “No, nothing like that. But there were times I felt they treated me as if I did. I have memories of my brother. I’ve seen pictures. I loved him. I never could have hurt him.” His voice cracks.

  “Of course you couldn’t. You were only a child.”

  “My parents had dreams of grandchildren and were ecstatic when I married Anna. They hoped for twins. When that didn’t happen and I told them why, my dad reneged on his offer to hand over CyberSeal when he retired. My punishment for ending the family line. As if I chose to be sterile!

  “I didn’t see it coming. All the work I’d done for him, my college education, training at his company. It was all for nothing. He demoted me, then told me he was taking the company public. I left before that happened.”

  Anger fills Ella. “What an asshole. I don’t get how parents can cut off their kids,” she exclaims, thinking of her mom’s parents.

  “It happens all the time.”

  “Well, it shouldn’t have happened to you. I don’t want you to invite them to dinner, ever.”

  Damien chokes out a laugh. “No worries there. I met my dad for lunch earlier this week and showed him the evidence we collected against CyberSeal. He claims he didn’t know anything about it.”

  “Do you believe him?”

  “No. But I did get him to agree to compensate us for lost revenue in exchange for keeping it out of court. That’s publicity his board doesn’t want. Had he not agreed, I would have made sure this turned into a media circus and his stock would nose-dive. PDN can take the hit. CyberSeal, being public, can’t.”

  “I’m glad you worked out an arrangement. That must not have been an easy meeting.”

  “It wasn’t.” He shoves a hand through his hair, messing the neat waves he styled that morning.

  “You must have felt like he was rejecting you all over again. Thank you for being honest with me, Damien.”

  He presses his lips into a flat line and nods. Restless, he goes to the desk, slides aside a magazine but doesn’t really look at it.

  “I get why you never told me about your sterility. I imagine it’s easier to say you don’t want kids than to explain the truth. And I’m sorry about your brother
. I can’t imagine losing Andrew.”

  Again, he nods, his eyes downcast. He fans the magazine. Pages flip. Ella wants nothing more than to hold him. For now, though, she tries to lighten the burden he carries.

  “I love you, Damien. You don’t have to give me kids. Just give me you.”

  “But you want kids, Ella,” he says firmly. “I’m not going to take that away from you.”

  “So, what? You’re just going to give up on us?”

  “We have other issues. You cheated on me, twice.” He holds up two fingers for emphasis.

  Ella’s heart sinks and she closes her eyes. “I’ll regret that every single day for the rest of my life. I’m so sorry,” she says, meeting his gaze.

  “Me too.” He taps a finger on the desk, and after a moment, says, “I should have told you I can’t have kids.”

  “Would you, if you could?”

  “Ella.”

  She goes to him and grasps his hands. “Just answer the question, please. Do you want to have kids with me?”

  His face crumples. He looks on the brink of tears. “If I could have kids, I wouldn’t want anything more than to have them with you,” he admits, his voice thick.

  Ella squeezes his hands reassuringly. “Same. I want to experience raising a family with you. You don’t have to give me a baby. Adopt one with me. We can foster a child or get a donation from a sperm bank. We have so many options, Damien. I don’t care what we decide, as long as we decide together and that we stay together.”

  “You’d do that for me . . . adopt?”

  She frowns slightly. “I’m not Anna. Whatever child we bring into our family will be ours.” Ella slowly smiles. She cups her hand over his damp cheek. “So yes, Damien. I’d do that for you. I’d do it for us.”

  He briefly closes his eyes. “I can’t tell you what this means to me.”

  “Hopefully it means you forgive me. For cheating on you and for getting into the car accident. For losing Simon and forgetting about him.”

  “Losing Simon isn’t your fault. Neither is the accident.”

  She isn’t so sure about that, but she needs to hear the words from him. “Please forgive me,” she whispers.

  “I do,” he says without hesitation. “But can you forgive me? I should have told you I was sterile. There were so many times I wanted to tell you, but I thought if I did . . .” He shrugs.