Last Summer: A Novel

by Kerry Lonsdale

  Damien points at the image on the monitor. “Caption here says he’s separated. His wife left him last summer.”

  “Doesn’t mean he’ll sleep with me.”

  Damien snorts his objection. He grasps Ella’s hands. She pictures an infant in those hands, can almost smell her downy head and hear her soft coos. Or his. She’d be happy either way. A certain thrill from what they’re planning buzzes through her. She wants a baby in her arms. Her baby.

  Damien sits on the desk and lifts her to her feet, fitting her between his legs. He kisses her solidly on the mouth. “I don’t make many mistakes,” he murmurs against her lips. “But my biggest mistake is not telling you the truth about me. I should have told you before we married, and I’ll regret that I didn’t until the day I die. I’m sorry, Ella.”

  “I know,” she whispers. She senses the honesty of his words.

  He kisses her again and Ella feels the kiss—his love, his regret, his shame—to the tips of her fingers and down to her toes. Relief floods her because their love is strong. Grace’s parents didn’t have this love. Her parents didn’t have their kind of love.

  Damien lifts his head and clasps Ella’s face. “Let me tell you something about a man like Nathan Donovan. He’s hurting. He’s lonely. You’ll be a ray of sunshine in his life. Just like you were for me. I was also heartbroken and lonely when we met. Make him care for you, like you did with me. The guy won’t be able to keep his hands off you. I couldn’t.”

  Ella chews her bottom lip.

  “We’re a team, Ella. In this and everything else. No matter what, we’ll always be a team,” Damien negotiates. “You’re doing this for us, Ella. I’ll never hold it against you.”

  She slowly shakes her head.

  “What?” He taps her lip.

  “I’m just thinking.” She frowns, looks inward. “I’ll have to do more than make him think I care for him. I’m meeting him for an interview. It’s business. He’ll want to keep it professional unless . . .” She plays with the top button on her husband’s shirt.

  “Unless what?” Damien prods.

  “Nathan needs to believe I’ve fallen in love with him. I’m going to have to do everything I can to make him fall for me. I also have to check my cycle. I may need to stay longer. Five days might not be enough.”

  Damien is quiet, but he nods.

  Ella hugs him, rests her cheek on his chest. “Please tell me this is going to work and we’re going to come out of this together.”

  He threads his fingers into her hair and brings his lips close to her ear. “It’s going to work and we’ll come out of this together. I’ll make sure of it.”

  EPILOGUE

  “She gets more beautiful every day,” Ella says of her three-month-old daughter, Grace Ella, suckling at her breast.

  “That’s because she takes after her mother.” Damien leans down to where Ella sits in the nursery rocker and kisses her temple. He then caresses Grace’s crown, ruffling her dark-walnut hair.

  Finished with the morning feeding, Ella lifts her daughter to her shoulder and gently pats her back, the organic knit onesie with the corgi print soft under her hand. Davie had purchased the outfit and many others from Peek Kids in the Marina.

  “Only the best for my favorite little girl,” Davie announced at Ella’s baby shower.

  Ella has plans to meet Davie for smoothies later in the afternoon. Her best friend adores seeing Grace dressed in the clothes she picked out.

  Ella turns her nose into Grace’s hair and breathes in her baby’s dewy scent. Her heart flutters with love and Grace lets out a belch.

  “Oh, my.” Ella laughs softly. “She takes after her daddy, too.” She grins up at Damien. He simply shakes his head and lifts his eyes to the ceiling.

  As for Grace’s biological father, Ella hasn’t given him much thought these past months. Keeping Nathan at bay stifles the guilt that she gave birth to his child and has no intention of telling him. Her remorse over cheating on Damien twice is enough to keep her devoted to their perfect little family unit. She couldn’t bear hurting her husband again by bringing Nathan back into their lives. What if she tells Nathan and he tries to take Grace away from them? Her heart physically hurts at the thought. Losing Grace is unfathomable. She holds on to her daughter a little tighter.

  Grace coos and squeaks. Her legs wiggle as she works up another gas bubble. Ella rubs her back, wondering who Damien sees when he looks at Grace’s blue-gray eyes, eyes Ella suspects will brighten to an ice-blue. The man his wife slept with or the wife who betrayed him? Hopefully, he sees a bit of himself, thanks to his and Nathan’s uncanny resemblance.

  Damien hasn’t brought up Nathan’s name once since she confessed her pregnancy. At first he was infuriated. Betrayed by her yet again. But she quickly promised her baby would be theirs. She wanted Damien to raise it as his own, just like he’d planned to do with Simon. He agreed.

  “Here, let me take her.” Damien lifts Grace to his chest. He pats her back.

  “Don’t you have to get to work?” Ella stands, stretching her arms overhead.

  “Work can wait.” Damien turns toward the crib, paces the room. Ella swears Grace smiles at her over his shoulder and her heart pounds with a protective happiness. One of the best outcomes of Grace’s arrival has been the peace Ella’s felt over her daughter’s namesake’s suicide. With the birth and naming of Grace Ella, Ella fulfilled a promise to her childhood best friend. She also gave herself permission to forgive. To forgive Grace for taking her own life. And Grace’s father, Stan, for setting it all into motion. She also found within herself the strength to forgive her own mother, which probably has something to do with being a mother herself. Motherhood broadens one’s perspective, making room to consider alternative ideas and deciding not to give energy to others. Ella also finally forgave herself. Where and when Grace committed suicide wasn’t Ella’s fault.

  Ella waggles her fingers, getting her daughter’s attention. Grace squeals in Damien’s ear. He jerks his head to the side.

  “If I suffer from hearing loss, it’s because of this little bugger.” Grace yawns, resting her head on Damien’s shoulder, and promptly falls asleep. He gently puts her in her crib. Looking down at his daughter with an expression of adoration and awe, he says, “I can’t believe she’s ours. I swear I love her more each day.”

  “Remember that feeling. She’ll be an angsty teenager before you know it and you won’t be able to wait to send her off to college.”

  Damien groans.

  “Her orbit will switch from you to makeup, music, and boys.”

  Damien clasps a hand over his heart. “You’re killing me.”

  Ella kisses his cheek. “Don’t worry. She’ll always be your little girl.”

  “Let’s hope so.” He glances at his watch. “Gotta run. I’m late for my staff meeting. See you tonight, sweetheart.”

  He kisses Ella goodbye and she retreats to her office. She is still on maternity leave but checks her email every so often. As she anticipated, waiting near the top of her in-box is Dr. Whitely’s reply to the email she sent him after Grace’s 3:00 a.m. feeding.

  Two weeks ago, the doctor sent her an email. He received a new grant. He’s entering the next phase of testing. Is Ella available to participate? Is she also still planning to write a feature for Luxe Avenue? His team could use the publicity.

  For two weeks, Ella debated whether she should reply. She’d told Damien she didn’t need her memories because she trusted him to tell her about those lost hours and days in the months leading up to her motivated forgetting. She also feared she was, in fact, in love with Nathan. How would that affect her marriage? Who would she choose? She’d like to believe she’d remain with Damien. But does she truly know that she would? Ella never dreamed she’d make herself forget important moments of her life. She also never imagined cheating on her husband. It makes her question how well she knows herself.

  Not only that, but how well does she know her husband?

&
nbsp; She’d promised Damien her honesty. Since Las Vegas, she’s been honest with him about everything. Everything except that email from Dr. Whitely. Because she’s had a niggling feeling in the back of her head.

  Ella thinks back to her conversation with Damien in their Las Vegas hotel room and the way he smiled when she told him that she didn’t want her memories back. His smile was almost calculating. His expression was one of satisfaction. She excused it as happiness, but maybe she’s been lying to herself. That smile has never sat well with her.

  There’s the way Damien watched her in the months after the accident. Studying her as though contemplating his next move. What had he been thinking about?

  And her phone, the one he’d purchased and set up for her after her accident. Her location services had been on the entire time she was with Nathan, and in her settings, under “share my location,” an unfamiliar phone number had been approved. Ella suspects Damien knew exactly where she’d been in Alaska.

  Everything about those memories has increasingly bothered her. But it was the discovery on her phone just the other week that finally pushed her to log into her laptop early in the morning. Huddled over the bright screen with a blanket draped over her shoulders to ward off the cold night, Ella typed her reply. She told Dr. Whitely that his process worked. She also informed him that she unintentionally blocked too many memories.

  Ella looks at the time stamp on Dr. Whitely’s response. It was almost immediate. He must have been up late working. She opens the message and reads. He wants her to come in ASAP so that he can evaluate her. He wants to run more tests. Meanwhile, attached is her unique code in the event she’s misplaced her file. He assumes she did since she didn’t mention that she attempted to retrieve her memories on her own. Probably best that she waits until she can come in, he suggests. Just in case something goes awry again.

  Ella drags the cursor across the screen, lets it hover over the file. She’s not sure she should open the document. If she does, she won’t necessarily apply the code. She’s not sure she even knows how. She also promised Damien. She doesn’t need her memories. He’ll tell her all, and she assumes he already has.

  Then again . . .

  That niggling feeling.

  Has Damien been honest with her?

  She double-clicks the attachment.

  Coming Summer 2020

  Side Trip

  AUTHOR NOTE

  The idea of motivated forgetting started with Friedrich Nietzsche, a German philosopher, and continued with Sigmund Freud and his studies of memory suppression. Today, research labs are studying memory control: the retrieval process and repression of specific memories. As fantastical as Ella’s situation seems, the reality of motivated forgetting may be closer than we think. Thank you for reading Ella’s story. It was an adventure to write.

  DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

  Ella wakes up in the hospital with no memory of her pregnancy or the car accident that caused her to lose her baby. How would you react in a similar situation? Did you suspect then that Damien knew more than he alluded to?

  Damien is withdrawn and reluctant to talk with Ella about Simon in the weeks following Simon’s stillbirth. If you were in Ella’s position, would you have pressed Damien to talk or allowed him to heal in his own time?

  What did you think of Ella’s choice to meet with Nathan when he reoffered the exclusive to Luxe Avenue?

  Were you surprised to learn about Simon’s parentage? What about Damien’s reason for not wanting kids?

  Did Damien’s plan to lure Ella back into Nathan’s arms surprise you? What about Damien and Ella’s plan from the previous summer? Did it surprise you that she’s complicit? Did it change your opinion of Ella or Damien?

  What do you think happens after Ella reads the attachment to Dr. Whitely’s email?

  Damien was desperate to keep his wife happy so that she wouldn’t leave him, so desperate that he came up with a plan for her to get pregnant. Ella was so desperate to have a child that she agreed to go along with Damien’s plan. Have you ever been so desperate to have something that you’ve lied or cheated to get it? How far would you go to get what you want? Would you do it again?

  Many themes are addressed in this book: love, lies, deceit, honesty, and trust. Which themes resonated the most with you? What other themes did you find in the story?

  If you could erase someone from your memory, would you? Who would it be and why? What about a specific event? How do you think that would affect your other memories?

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I knew the moment the concept of Last Summer presented itself to me that the story would be my most challenging project to date. I would be dealing with characters who went against my own moral compass. I’d have to push myself as much as I did them. Not one to shy away, I set about writing what I hope is an unputdownable page-turner that is as entertaining as it is unpredictable. This book is in your hands today because of my agent Gordon Warnock’s unwavering support and faith in my storytelling. Thank you, Gordon, for being as enthusiastic about Last Summer as I am—and, at times, more so. Your encouragement kept me writing, revising, and polishing, even as the story took a darker turn from the original concept.

  From editorial and production to marketing and publicity and everyone in between at Amazon Publishing, thank you, Chris Werner, Danielle Marshall, Nicole Pomeroy, Hai-Yen Mura, Dennelle Catlett, Ashley Vanicek, Mikyla Bruder, Kristin King, and Gabriella Dumpit for believing in me and making Last Summer shine. Best team ever!

  To Heather Lazare, my developmental editor, for your thorough feedback on where to tighten, heighten, and enhance the plot, pacing, and characters: thank you for helping me realize the story’s true form.

  Thank you, Cheri Madison, my brilliant copyeditor, for crossing my t’s and dotting my i’s and understanding my love-hate relationship with commas. Commas slow the pacing! My mantra, and I’m sticking to it.

  To my wonderful first readers and friends, Barbara Claypole White and Orly Konig, thank you for your honest thoughts about the story and characters. It’s amazing what you’ll do on my behalf for a bottle of gin and vino.

  No book is complete without research. Thank you, Chris Griffin and Maura Mack, for your insight about heli-skiing and Alaska. You convinced this girl to add a similar adventure to her bucket list. I also want to mention Bear Grylls. The information I gathered from his books Mud, Sweat, and Tears and Living Wild and series Running Wild inspired the Nathan Donovan character and his series, Off the Grid!

  Not to brag, but I have the best top readers. I am beyond grateful for the members of my Tiki Lounge, who not only act as my advance readers but share my book news with their followers and always recommend my books. A special shout-out to Jenny Belk, who came up with the name of Nathan Donovan’s survival series, Off the Grid! And to Michelle Stuck, who thought of the name for Andrew Skye’s start-up, Come Over Rover.

  For every blogger, bookstagrammer, and book reviewer: thank you for reading, and thank you for posting your lovely photos and honest thoughts about my books across your social media platforms.

  Thank you to my husband, Henry, who still gave me an encouraging pat on the back when I failed miserably to explain the book’s premise in hopes of working through a plot hole; to my son, Evan, whose passion for skiing found its way into this novel; and to my daughter, Brenna, who kept my writerly brain fueled with her lovely baked goods.

  Last, but far from least, to my readers: Thank you for traveling with me as I moved beyond the Everything series. I hope you enjoyed Last Summer and can’t wait for you to read my next novel, Side Trip, coming summer 2020. I love connecting with readers. You can drop me a note on my website (www.kerrylonsdale.com). Be sure to tag me on Instagram (@kerrylonsdale) when you post pictures of my books—I love to regram. And if you want all my latest news and access to exclusive giveaways, sign up for my newsletter (www.kerrylonsdale.com/for-readers).

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Photo © 2018 Chantelle Hartshorne
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  Kerry Lonsdale is the Wall Street Journal, Amazon Charts, and #1 Amazon Kindle bestselling author of the Everything series—Everything We Keep, Everything We Left Behind, and Everything We Give—as well as other award-winning stand-alone novels. She resides in Northern California with her husband and two children. You can visit Kerry at www.kerrylonsdale.com.