Something More

by Leigh Beckford

  “I know this is a bit of an intrusion and believe me disrupting your life is the furthest thing from my mind but understand I came all this way. Please, at least have coffee with me, won’t you?”

  “Alex, let us just cut to the chase, what do you want?” She asks very matter-of-factly, “What do you hope to achieve by us meeting?”

  “I want to be involved.”

  “I don’t see how Alex. You live in New York and we live all the way down here. I just don’t see how. Besides you say that being disruptive is the furthest thing from your mind but, have you even given any thought to how this will affect everyone else if it comes out?”

  “If it comes out, don’t you mean when this comes out? Anyway I am afraid it’s too late for either you or me to worry about that. I think the gravity of the situation far outweighs how everyone else will deal with it. Right now all I know is that I can’t just ignore what you told me.”

  “I know what I am about to say might make me seem like an uber-bitch, but maybe you should try harder to.”

  Neither of the two says anything.

  “I am sorry but then you are asking of me the impossible,” he finally spews, “After what you have told me there is no way I can just forget and pretend that my life has not changed in some way.”

  “Did you tell Valde?” she asks.

  “No when I got the news from you, I headed straight out to JFK to find you. Kind of silly really for I didn’t know what terminal or you airline would be on. I sort of guessed. Got there, you were nowhere to be found. I figured you were already gone so I booked the next flight out here. Now here I am.”

  “Are you going to tell him?”

  “To be honest I haven’t thought about that yet.” Contemplating her question he admits, “I wouldn’t know how.”

  Silence again.

  “You shouldn’t have come.”

  “Look I just want to meet, see how you’re doing. See how you both are doing.”

  “We are doing just fine, and I don’t…”

  “Look five minutes is all I am asking for. I am begging here?”

  “Ok, let me think about it. How do I get in touch with you?

  “I am staying at the Metro on Pitts Street, room 517. Or you could just ring my number.” He looks at his cell phone’s LCD, “Yes, that’s probably best, I do have service here.”

  “Alex, I am not promising you anything. Just give me a few days to think about it.”

  Sweat drips to the floor from his palm as he says, “Ok no pressure, but please give me a chance.”

  “Good-bye Alex”

  “OK, I will be waiting to hear from you Joanna.”

  The line goes dead before he could finish.

  Heart racing and feeling faint with anxiety he rests his head against the window and continues to stare at the people below going about their lives.

  Chapter 7

  Tires screech as Valde and Brittany's cab comes to a sudden halt. Valde braces for impact and the cup of low-fat coffee Brittany was holding flies from her hand causing a mess. From the backseat they hear the cab driver's incomprehensible mutter as he swears in Punjabi at the taxi driver who had just cut him off. The car resumes its trip as they make their way back to Brittany's apartment. Recovering from being tossed onto each other in the backseat she and Valde continue their conversation. Valde prods her along, “So you hinted earlier that you don't know if you will be keeping the baby.”

  “I just don't think I am ready to become a statistic right now.”

  “A statistic?” he pauses, “Oddly I am experiencing a tiny brain fart right now, could you please explain further my dear.”

  “Well I don’t know if I am ready to handle the single-mom gig right now.”

  “Sweetie I do believe it’s a bit more than a gig.”

  “I know and please don't remind me,” Brittany sighs and continues, “As it is I rarely have time for myself, there is my career which I don't want to put on hold not even for a minute. Can you imagine the drastic change to my social life? Then there are my parents to deal with, this isn’t exactly what they have planned for their precious little girl. My being single and knocked up is definitely a no-no.”

  “What is this, the middle-ages?” he jokes, “So what if you end up some spinster raising your bastard child. What’s the big deal? Look around that seems to be the norm these days. Besides you aren’t even that quizzical, at least you know who your sperm donor is. What I am saying is families come in different forms and their origins can be as diverse, you my dear don’t need a man to help you with a kid. You can more than afford that on your own. Also you know I will be around, the kid can all but call me papa or I can be Uncle Valde and if it’s a boy I look forward to his sixteenth birthday when I get the chance to introduce him to his first hooker.”

  “You are so horrible,” she says in disbelief, “There is no way you are taking my son to some hooker, besides sixteen is way too soon for him to be having sex.”

  “Sixteen might be too soon to us old fogies, but the way things are going with today’s kids, by the time he is sixteen he will probably be as sexually experienced as the hooker I plan on taking him to.”

  “Do you realize that what you are proposing is illegal in this country and I have no doubt that in sixteen years it still will be.”

  “Oh I am very well aware, thank goodness that this isn’t the only country with hookers, I will simply take him overseas.”

  “Ok Uncle Valde, and what if it’s a girl, what double standard will you impose then?”

  “Well since you ask; if it’s a girl then at twelve I will personally escort her to the convent and even before that for her tenth birthday I will commission Van Cleef & Arpels to make her a chastity belt made from the finest jewels. There will be no teenage pregnancy on my watch.”

  She looks thoughtfully out the cab’s window, eschewing Valde’ miserable attempt at lightening the mood, then says, “There is also the cruel gossiping I would have to endure. The fact is I don't want to have to deal with the whispers and looks. I would virtually need a publicist to clean this up and keep me from being a damn blind item on somebody’s blog or nefarious gossip column. You know how mean these people can get.”

  “Yup, you bourgeois folks can get down and dirty in the most despicable way.” He giggles then soberly asks,” So I guess you are seriously considering abortion? It’s either that or a damn good illusionist.”

  “You know I have known for a few days now that I am pregnant and I will admit that I sometimes catch myself wondering what it would be like to be a mom. Yesterday I took a very long lunch; do you want to know what I was doing for three hours?” She asks rhetorically then continues, “I was looking at baby clothing and baby furniture. It made me all mushy inside. So mushy that I bought two outfits in, you guessed it, pink and blue. Still, I believe that I have to be practical, it just wouldn’t be fair to me or to the baby to have it at this point in my life.”

  “What about Phillip?” he asks.

  “Label me selfish but what about him”, she fumes, “At this point he is nothing to me but a sickening sperm donor, and even that’s too nice a thing to say about him. Let’s change the topic, and please don’t bring up that sleaze ball again. I don’t want to talk about him.”

  The cab nears her apartment. “So when will you breakup with the girl that called you this morning while we were at breakfast?”

  “What girl?” he asks having genuinely forgotten about Brea.

  She smiles wryly and answers, “The one who you referred to as nobody. Oh correction, what was that disgusting term you had for her? Yes I remember now, a ‘jump off’, when do you plan on disappointing her?”

  “Oh, Brea,” and with a mischievous grin on his face he continues, “As I told you before, she gets axed later this evening. I figure it’s a beautiful day, this weather is so great that it should lead into a lovely evening thus making it the perfect backdrop for the breaking of hearts, both hers and mine, for it truly pain
s me to have to do this.”

  Not buying his act for one second, Brittany bemoans, “You are so mean.”

  “I am just kidding but then you may be right, still she isn’t the one so why waste both her and my time. Why rob ourselves of possibly meeting the one by continuing this charade with each other. I think it would be cruel of me to further sleep with her and continue to get her hopes up.”

  She stares at him, not surprised by his line of reasoning after all this is Valde she is talking to, in his head his actions are totally justified. Even though she admires his frankness about his situation and could admit to there being something noble about his motives she isn’t about to spare him of her opinion. No matter how erudite a point he offers or how selfless he tries to make himself seem, to her there is not much separating him from the dogs who pretend to be men that she herself has encountered in Manhattan. “I think you are a coward.”

  “How so, do tell?”

  “I believe that you are afraid of opening up your heart to anyone. You won’t let any girl get truly close to you and if they are talented enough to make a dent in that armor of yours then you are ready to next her for the next long legged beauty that comes along. I think it’s such a shame because you are such a beautiful soul deep down on the inside. I do mean extremely deep down on the inside. If you would only share that with someone you could possibly be truly happy and make some girl’s dream come true. By being afraid to let anyone know the real you, you are so being a coward”

  “What, have you been listening in on my recent sessions with my therapist? He too is convinced of the same thing, however same as he, you are wrong about me never letting anyone know the real me.”

  “Is that so? Prove it!” she finds his denial rather concerning, “When was the last time you let down your guard and allow someone you were romantically involved with truly in.”

  “OK since you don’t want to just take my word for it, I will do better than tell you the last time, in an effort to prove me right and you wrong I will offer up one person as example.”

  “OK, I am waiting.”

  He pauses, smiles and takes her hand, leans in slightly and gently whispers into her ear, “You know me very well. There are no walls to be broken down where we are concerned. You and I are sort of like soul mates. You know me so well that at times words aren’t even necessary between us. For me you are the weakness that strengthens me, none after you measures up and I doubt that any will, after all you are the only woman that excites me the way you do. Until our paths again truly intertwine I shall remain melancholic, and I will do so gladly for that is the burden I bare. My heart has convinced my brain that I have no choice in the matter. “

  She experiences a slight chill as his breath brushes against her skin. Tingling with excitement and flushed from his advertent effect on her she is stumped by his indelible assertation. She had unwittingly put herself out there; she had not expected that response.

  “What do you believe is the real reason why we didn’t work?” she asks him.

  “Because then we were young and foolish,” he jokes, “Also because you didn’t fully understand me at the time. I must add that it was not for a lack of trying on your part.”

  “And just why didn’t I fully understand you at the time?”

  The cab arrives at her building. Emerging from the cab he answers her question, his voice enriched with the tone of surrender, “I had a wall up between us. I will always be as honest with you as I possibly can, so I will admit to knowing that being with me must have been rough on you. I know I am a hard person to love.”

  “Please tell me that you don’t believe such a heinous thing?” She asks, “Do you feel that you don’t deserve to be loved. Because you know if that’s how you feel you should address that issue with your therapist or you may forever end up having meaningless hookups or at best incubated relationships that never truly mature into a lifetime commitment.”

  “No I don’t believe that I don’t deserve to be loved, but it’s just that I am like countless others in this city who fear getting too close to anyone because along with the disruption to my individual routine and the potential losing of myself comes the fact that I have to wholly trust someone with being a part of my life and believing that they too won’t fail me. For me such trust requires an awful lot of bravery, such a hefty amount I unfortunately haven’t cultivated yet.”

  “See, proves my point. By the way thank you for admitting that, you must have dug really deep to dish up that serving of sincerity.” She affectionately squeezes his arm as he carries her shopping bags, “You should give the poor girl a chance, even if she did afflict you with her yeast infection. Serves you right, next time wear a condom.”

  “Brittany that’s no laughing matter, the pain and suffering I endured was quite unpleasant.”

  “Hey every act has its reward or consequence. Speaking of which, I do agree that sharing so much of yourself with anyone can be very risky business, myself and Phillip would be a perfect example of sharing gone bad, however that shouldn’t deter you from seeking happiness. Let ‘s face it, if you are in a committed and honest relationship, even though it may seem as if you are losing yourself you will actually be gaining another person’s love, devotion, and hopefully their all. Love is a risky venture but when profitable its windfall are too numerous to list. “

  “And what happens when it fails, what do I do then?”

  “Well you take some time off to more or less grieve. Not too much time though, you don’t want to needlessly sink into depression or even worse self-pity. Instead you use that time to assess what went wrong and promise yourself to not make such mistakes again and if the fault isn’t yours, that’s even better. The point is you don’t just give up, instead you recoup and when the time or circumstance is right you literally re-direct your efforts.”

  Valde smiles and asks, “Brittany is that what you plan on doing?”

  “Yes it is exactly what I will be doing. I am not going to roll over and die because Phillip scum-of-the-earth-Betruger unfavorably disrupted my life.”

  “Great I am happy to hear that.”

  “Also Valde what you said about us being soul mates before was the most beautiful thing that you have ever said to me. I want you to know that I feel the same. Of course I know this isn’t news to you especially since each time I drink a little too much I profess my undying love to you, but I really do feel a great bond between us. Anyone who says it is not possible to love one man and be in love with another has no idea what they are talking about, because that’s a situation I am constantly in. Why can’t everything just be simple?”

  “I have often asked myself the same question,” he says to her, “however just think about it, if our lives were any simpler we wouldn’t be the great personalities that we are. Now would we?”

  Chapter 8

  As Alex stroll along the city streets listlessly peering into the local stores he recounts last night’s conversation with Joanna. Not knowing what her decision will be, he hopes for the best while fearing the worst. Their history is a sordid one; their families have been friends for the longest however they were never romantically involved until some months after she became the long-legged girlfriend of his best friend. During which time out of respect he exchanged no more than the expected pleasantries with her. They would all hang out together, a bit rat pack-esque, always in a group and he rarely spent a moment alone with her. That all changed late in the summer before she left.

  Everyone was at her parents' house in East Hampton following a charity event organized by Brittany. On the private beach below, a few friends had gathered around a bonfire. After the fundraiser Valde had to call it an evening, his stomach wasn't doing well, the just result of his nefarious attack on the sushi bar. Despite his gluttony-induced ailment, which reduced him to being as needy as a small child, he encouraged Joanna to go ahead and join the rest of the gang down by the beach hoping to himself catch up with them shortly. Unfortunately for him he sp
ent the remainder of that evening hydrating and perched closely to the porcelain altar centrally located in her bathroom.

  At the full moon's command the tide had moved in and the illuminating presence of the stars in the nocturnal skies made a beautiful night. The gang's frolic in the sand was festive and a great way for everyone to catch up. The air amongst them was relaxed and as they ate and drank, they relished being away from the Manhattan hustle. As the evening grew old everyone became equally tired, one by one, and a few in recently formed pairs, they all retired for the night until Alex and Joanna were the only two remaining. What started as light conversation earlier had evolved into gentle sensual touches, then a deep embrace, and eventually relentless passionate kissing. As you may have guessed, it is fair to say alcohol was involved, but shouldn’t bear the brunt of the blame for each had long thought the other to be very attractive. The evening's last act was a scene where she narrowly escapes being caught in the guesthouse as she was leaving Alex's room during her walk of shame back to the bedroom which she shared with Valde, whom she found sleeping like a baby with a half empty bottle of magnesium solution next to him on the bed. At first she and Alex blamed that evening's licentious events on the alcohol, however future repeat performances at various locations including Valde's apartment resulted in them rescinding that rationale. Then there was no denying that what they were having was an affair and not just some Vodka induced accident, to the rest of the world they could but not to each other.

  ”Sir, may I help you with any questions?” asks the rose-cheeked sales-girl as she inadvertently disturbs Alex's thoughts, “We are having a sale on the items in this section. Everything is half off.”

  “Oh, no I am just looking,” he responds. A few days ago he would have taken time out to notice how breathtaking she is. He might have even felt the urge to flirt with her, get her number in the hopes of bedding her before he departs her wonderful city. However not today, uncertainty combined with his hopes has pushed his anxiety to record levels, not even the beauty offering him help can ease him.