Something More

by Leigh Beckford

  “I am thankful for the moments and the emotions and the fact that just being there with her changed my life and outlook on everything within the few seconds of her little fingers gripping my thumb.” Alex continues, “Still you must understand that for me to know that in all my lifetime to have only spent less than an hour knowing what the purest form of love is has to be grossly unfair. I feel cheated if not utterly conned and I just don’t understand what the point of life is anymore. Less than an hour was simply not enough time Valde, it just wasn’t. Why was I cheated?”

  “I don’t know what to tell you, I have absolutely no answers to those questions. Only thing I can say is I have always believed that we create our own luck or at least play a major role in its occurrence. You might not have spent much time with her but you did spend time with her. Do you know what I mean?”

  “Val, do you remember asking me a few years ago if I would ever settle down? Do you remember what my answer was? I foolishly said I didn’t see the point to it. The whole monotony of monogamy just didn’t appeal to me. Maybe it’s because I watched my parents successfully pretend to be happily devoted to each other in their picture perfect and rather boring marriage. I guess they were passionate when we kids weren’t looking but they tried so hard to be perfect in front of us all the damn time that even at a young age Brittany and I could sense that there was something off with them.

  I swore that I didn’t want what they have. The big houses, the nice cars, the societal prestige, the picture perfect marriage; I wanted nothing to do with all that. Of course don’t get me wrong, I would never refuse my inheritance, in fact I planned on turning each of those big houses into my very own personal bordellos.” He pauses to chuckle at himself then continues, “But in that moment with Joanna and Calista at my hotel lobby, all my foolishly ill-conceived notions of what starting and having a family would be like went out the window. I want the family. I want the partnership and security of marriage. I think there is nothing more nurturing than a beautiful woman who loves you. Not because of what you are but because she sees your flaws and instead of dismissing you for being less than perfect she dismisses those faults and strengthens you where you didn’t even realize you were weak. I mean how do you really know there is a void if you didn’t know that something was missing? She, Joanna, came along and made me realize how less than whole I really was. I am sorry that it took your girlfriend to make me realize this, but you know that saying ‘you never know where love might find you’, it’s true. Then to think she created this wonderful little miracle, she went even further to show me that I still wasn’t whole enough, not even with the strength of her love, so she gave me Calista to teach me how wonderful life really is.”

  Valde listens and it’s not easy listening to another man profess his deep love for the love of your life, especially the man who she chose to be with instead of you. Nonetheless Valde listens.

  “Poor Calista, I have bought so many toys for her. I can’t walk pass a mother and her child and not think about them. Joanna and I have been talking about her moving back to the States so we can really be a family. Sorry I know I am going on quite emotionally but I can’t help it. Except for Brittany, who I think is going through her own drama, yours are the only shoulders I have to turn to. Not to say that you don’t have problems, I know you do for I am currently a major contributor to your agita, but I just feel like you understand and I appreciate you actually taking the time to listen to me. I at times don’t believe I deserve your friendship; you have always been such a better friend to me than I have to you. You know I believe that I may not deserve all the wonderful people in my life. Something always happens to screw up the harmony, whether it’s gruesome death or my lackluster approach to friendships. Maybe this is just the universe telling me that I don’t deserve real happiness. Funny I thought that I had atoned for my sins. I thought I was being granted a chance to be happy. Can you understand why I feel foolish for letting myself buy into the dream that everything would turn out fine? I am just saying that the universe conned me. I am so angry that I want to fight back, but I can’t conjure the proper strategy. I feel as if the only honorable way of regaining control from the universe is to maintain my sovereignty as an individual.”

  Valde keenly listens, wondering where Alex is headed with this line of reasoning and just as he is about to ask, Alex delivers the big reveal.

  “Suicide, that’s the key. The more I think about it, the clearer it becomes. You know, it’s a bit empowering to me to know that in one decisive moment I could cause this misery to end.”

  At this point Valde feels compelled to comment, “Alex, I am not going to tell you not to kill yourself. However there is no way that you expect me to agree with that logic, do you? I am sure that this is just talk and I believe it to be a part of your grieving process. So feel free to grieve my friend, it’s only natural that you do so. However I will say this, I am sure you remember when Joanna left me. You remember how crazy I became, the booze, the women, and eventually the big accident. When Joanna left me, because of you, she left a hole within me that’s similar to what you are feeling right now. Ironically you are the one who tried consoling me back then. I must say you are a devious son-of-a-bitch for having done what you did to me. However I digress, let me get back to my point, my crazy actions were all because I was just like you believing that there was nothing else to live for so what the fuck, who cares if I ended my life? I didn’t or so I thought. I can tell you that when my car launched into a quadruple somersault after splitting that light pole into two my outlook on life changed. I knew I wanted to live. I lied on a gurney helpless for hours being told that there might be spinal damage, staring at the ceiling in my hospital thinking how I would do things different if only I could fully recover. One sharp turn did for me what months of strange women, booze, drugs and therapy couldn’t. Coming that close to the end made everything really clear for me.”

  “I hear what you’re saying Val, no need to worry besides as you know I am chicken shit, I don’t think I am crazy enough or ballsy enough do it. Still as morbid as it all may sound, I feel better knowing that I have an out that’s totally within my control. This makes feel like ultimately my life is in my control, of course I know that’s not all true, but it makes me feel better. Of course it also goes without saying that killing myself would be the opposite of filling the void. I want them back Valde. I want the perfect life back. Less than an hour was just not enough.”

  Chapter 24

  After hours of tossing and turning Brittany decides to start the day. For her the crankiness factor is at an all time high, lack of sleep has her swearing both under her breath and out loud. This discomfort stemmed from her insomnia is exacerbated by today's pending act of abortion. Guilt has her feeling exasperated. She stands in front of the mirror gently rubbing her naked belly and repeating that she has no choice, this has to be done. She walks across the room with little or no enthusiasm. She slowly gets dressed, picking up each item of clothing at snail's pace, and putting them on even slower. All this time she has been pensive, second guessing herself, now she feels foolish for having done so. She chastises herself for being weak. Today, she has decided to wear all black, even her make-up is made up dark. Her walk to the gallows slash mourning slash act of penance for the act she is about to do. Her Catholic upbringing cruelly lingers in spite of her conscious attempt to cut loose from what she deems the inappropriate control and undue subjugation of organized religion. “Fuck, I guess you can never escape who you really are!” she exclaims.

  She stops for a moment to sit on her bed, resting her face in her hands she prays, “God I hope you can forgive me for this, I hope you will forgive me for this.”

  Her appointment with Dr. Ferrol is at 10:15, it’s now 9:30, and the notion of cancelling or at least rescheduling swims in her thoughts.

  Her phone rings.

  “Hey baby. It’s Val, are you ready yet?”

  ”Yes, I pretty much am.”

  “O
K my cab is getting to your building in less than five minutes, do you want to just meet me downstairs. You know, eliminate the hassle of having to grab another one.”

  “Sure, I will see you downstairs.”

  “Brit, how are you feeling?”

  “Not so great.”

  “Don’t worry everything will be OK. I will see you in a few minutes.”

  “OK baby.”

  Valde exits the cab with its meter still running to greet Brittany. He embraces her deeply and she sighs surrendering to the familiar comfort of his support. He holds her hands reassuringly as he escorts and places her in the backseat. To her surprise, he has two cups of cappuccino waiting there for her.

  “I would have brought you pastry as well, but I know how you fashionable girls despise calories to stay waifish, so no donut for you.”

  She ignores his jest and instructs the cabbie to take them to 37Th Street and 9Th Avenue.

  “Thanks babe for coming with me I really appreciate it.”

  “No thanks needed as you would do the same for me.”

  “Well dumbass it would take a miracle for you to be in my position right now, but yes I would do the same for you.”

  He reaches over and kisses her on the cheek.

  “What is that for?” she asks.

  “Oh nothing, I just felt like.”

  “OK, weirdo. So are both these for me?” she asks holding the cappuccinos.

  “No silly, one is mine,” he smiles, “Now as you know, I don’t normally drink this stuff but just for today, I will with you.”

  “You know Valde; you are truly a wonderful friend. You are really so perfect for,” she pauses then decides to change the subject, “Tell me what’s new with you, I feel so ashamed for being so self-absorbed lately.”

  “Wow I am being told how great a friend I am twice in under twenty-four hours. I think that’s some kind of a record for me. Maybe I should start believing that I am this nice person everyone keeps talking about.”

  “Well you are, so maybe you should.”

  “Maybe I will. What’s new with me? Nothing much,” he frowns, “It’s as they say, same defecation different day.”

  “You are so eloquent with quoting ‘they’. Who are ‘they’?” she asks.

  “I see you like to make fun of me.”

  “Well yes, you are a great riot, you know that. Why else would I keep you around?”

  “So to finish answering your question of what’s new with me, tomorrow I leave for Australia with Phillip, I mean Alex.”

  She instantly grows sad, “You know I wanted to tell him about today. I wanted to give him the chance to stop me. Then I decided that he didn’t deserve that chance. After all he had already decided on the only outcome he wants to see. Funny thing is it seems like he is getting his wish.”

  “I am so sorry baby. I didn’t mean to mention his name. You are obviously distraught enough already, I didn’t mean to add to your distress.”

  The cab brakes hard at a red light, with the momentum swinging them forward. A very nervous cab driver repeats a few times “I am so sorry.”

  “It’s OK,” she says to the cabbie then she turns to Valde, “It’s OK, I have thought long and hard about Phillip and I have decided to not harbor any feeling of ill will or resent towards him. I have also decided to not regret the time I spent with him. Truthfully, even though he was as deceitful as he was, being with him was wonderful almost to the end. There was never a mean act or word from him until the very end. Still he is a monster.”

  They arrive at their destination. Visibly shaky her hand reaches for Valde’s, he takes hers and they walk together silently through the doors. To both their surprise there are no other patients there. Her mother was not kidding about being discreet as she had instructed and compensated Dr. Ferrol for clearing his entire day’s schedule. Moments after checking in she is ushered by his assistant to his consultation room. Valde remains outside skimming through women magazines, pacing about the office, and flirting with the secretary. At times he was literally sitting down twiddling his thumbs with intense fascination. This the secretary found particularly peculiar.

  Later Brittany alights from the room, deadpan she states, “It’s done!”

  Valde takes her hands, consolingly embraces her, while flashing a reassuring smile that everything will be OK. They leave in the same manner which they came, together in silence.

  Chapter 25

  Val is spending the remainder of the day with Brittany. She has for the most part accepted what she has done. She now deems it the necessary evil which had to occur. He urges her not to bare that perspective, to which she asks, “How then do you suggest that I look at an act that I committed for purely selfish reasons?”

  “I don't know Brittany,” he responds.

  “Did you know that the main reason most women have an abortion is because the pregnancy was unplanned therefore unwanted?”

  “No I didn't know that but now that you mention it, it makes sense.”

  “Well my pregnancy might have been unplanned but I surely didn't mind it. Well, at first I didn't.”

  “I know this,” he replies trying to figure out in what direction was she steering this conversation.

  “Another popular reason for aborting a child is socio-economical. The mother if single or both parents just simply can’t afford having a child right now.”

  “OK but...”

  “Just listen,” she interrupts him, “please just let me finish.” Agreeing he nods her on.

  “You know my pregnancy wasn’t a result of some devastating act, I wasn't raped, and the condom certainly didn't break. I could have afforded that child. I have more money than I can spend in five lifetimes. As you and I both know, I don't even have to work, I could have been a full time stay at home single mom. Quite the anomaly I know. Still, I could have done it. I do have so much love to give. Of course I would have had to stop being one of the partying ‘it’ girls and become a bit matronly but I could have done it. That child would have had nothing but the best. The best education and would not have known what it means to not have. I could have kept that child. I should have kept that child. Valde, what have I done?”

  “It’s OK. You simply can’t beat yourself up about your decision. As it is, it’s irreversible.”

  “You don't think that I know it’s irreversible?” she screams, “All I have done is think about this, believe me I know it’s irreversible!”

  “Please calm down a bit. What I meant to say was as much as it is irreversible I know that you made that decision believing at the time it was truly your best option. You my dear have wanted the picket fences ever since I have known you. You want the traditional nuclear family. You want and deserve a bit of what your parents have, and you wanted for that child the kind of family stability you had growing up. Those, my love, aren't selfish reasons. Did you have a lapse in judgment when you believed abortion to be your best solution? Luckily I can never be in your shoes, however unfortunately that places me in no position to say whether or not you did.”

  “But Val, honestly don't you believe me to be evil for what I have done?”

  “Why, what about your abortion makes you evil?”

  “Valde, I just terminated a life.”

  “OK you just terminated a life but I don't believe that makes you evil. I say your body is yours to do with as you please. That is my personal belief.”

  “So you don't think that I am evil?” she asks once more searching his face for confirmation.

  “No I don't. Look when our Commander-in-Chief and other men like him, who are unfortunately placed with the power to start wars, decide there is no other suitable or rationale means but armed warfare to resolve issues, act on that decision, do we consider them evil for the countless lives that their disregard for thorough diplomacy disrupts or for the number of troops that return wounded or doesn't make it back home at all? No we don’t chastise them as warmongering usurpers of power, we consider them our courage
ous and emboldened leaders and we hail them as such. I really don’t see why we misconstrue them as such because to me win or lose there is nothing brave about the act of declaring war from behind a big old desk, sending poor misguided patriots to go fight while compensating them with crumbs. I am worth millions and there are days that I awake thinking I don’t deserve it. Compared to members of our armed forces my job is nowhere near dangerous. When we talk about undercompensated jobs in this society we rarely list our troops. I am as patriotic as they come, but if I am going to risk my life as a soldier there has to be a whole lot of zeros behind that dollar sign on the check. Oh yeah and I would deserve it, imagine me putting my life in harm’s way daily for peanuts so that a nation filled with extremely short-termed memory citizens can overlook my contributions when the pomp, pageantry, and propaganda defers. No I don’t think so. We can consider wars of the past barbaric however one thing to be noted is that if a king waged war against another at least his ass could be found on the battlefield as well. I wonder how quick our world leaders would be in sending others off to die if they too had to go into battle and physically be on the field. Anyway I admit that I have digressed, do you consider them evil for the numerous lives taken or disrupted by that one executive decision? Of course you do not. Neither you nor I would necessarily view them as such. We look at it as a necessary act and we stay the course. Now you my dear have to think that way. You are not evil. For if we as a society were to start labeling women such as you who undergo abortions as evil, we will then have to question all acts that truly take lives and label those who authorize and sanction such deeds as being evil as well. It would be a cold day in hell when that happens so there is no way that I am going to call you evil my dear. You are less evil than the men who gain the highest office in their lands.”