The Iron Druid Chronicles 6-Book Bundle

by Kevin Hearne

  “I think custom demands that I offer you refreshment,” Malina said as she moved to the kitchen, “but you won’t take any, will you?”

  “No, but I thank you for the thought. It is a meaningful gesture in itself.”

  “Will you be seated?” she gestured toward the inviting leather couch in the center of the living area. The black coffee table had several magazines scattered about on it—Newsweek and Organic Living and Rolling Stone, I noted with some surprise. Then I wondered at myself: What did I expect, Ritual Animal Slaughters Quarterly? I almost accepted her offer, because the couch did look comfy, but then a tense whisper of caution suggested that she could say something in Polish and make it eat me.

  “I prefer to stand, thank you. And with my sword drawn, though I will keep it pointed at the ground. I do not wish to take much of your time, only what is necessary to establish who attacked me and to retrieve anything of mine your enchantments may have removed.”

  Malina was not used to being so flagrantly mistrusted, and I think she was close to taking offense. But, let’s face it, most people outside her coven didn’t know she was a witch; they thought her nothing more than an alluring, successful, cosmopolitan woman with glamorous hair and a penchant for wearing sexy boots.

  “Fine,” she said shortly, pulling a cork out of an already open bottle of Rosemount Estate Shiraz that waited on her granite countertop. She started to pull a glass out of her cupboard, but then thought better of it and tossed the cork carelessly over her shoulder, deciding to drink straight out of the bottle since I wouldn’t be partaking. “Let’s get to it, shall we?” She took a gulp or two for courage before continuing. “Waclawa is nothing more than a collection of cinders now on the lake shore, thanks to a certain hex I haven’t seen since my younger days in Europe. It’s not something my coven can do, I assure you, nor would we want to. This hex cannot be cast without the aid of dark powers, and it takes three witches in tandem to cast it. That,” she said, aiming her bottle at me meaningfully, “should give you an idea of what we’re confronted with.”

  “If I was targeted at the same time as the rest of your coven, it means we’re dealing with two dozen witches plus eight demons.”

  “Correct—well, the demons may not still be around. But I’m sure they left something of themselves behind.” Her eyes grew round significantly, and I began to wonder how much wine she had already consumed.

  “Oh, no. Let me guess. Eight of those witches are eating for two now.”

  “Very good, Mr. O’Sullivan. That’s generally how these things work. In nine months, eight demon babies will be born—and more soon after, if the witches care to try again. There’s only one coven large enough and soulless enough to try this, and we have run into them before: They call themselves die Töchter des dritten Hauses.”

  “The Daughters of the Third House?”

  “Yes. They are the bitches I was referring to on the phone.” Her face twisted and she looked as if she was going to scream a curse or five, but she mastered her temper in time and instead observed calmly, “I see you speak German.”

  “Ja, several versions of it. Why did you survive when Waclawa did not?”

  Malina shrugged. “She was outside when it happened; the rest of us were at home. Here on our floor we are very well protected, as I am sure you are protected somehow. Had we all been outside at the time of the attack, we’d all be dead.”

  “If that’s so, then you would think that they would have timed the attack better, to ensure more of you were vulnerable.”

  “You are assuming they’re aware of our defenses. They have no conception of the wards the Zoryas provide us. Their magic is as different from ours as it is from yours. To their way of thinking, they have cast a hex no one can survive. They will be surprised to learn otherwise.”

  “Why was I targeted? Why were you targeted, for that matter?”

  “They targeted us partially to settle an old score,” she replied, tapping her chest with the bottle and then remembering it held a rather tasty vintage. She took another drink before continuing, and moved into the living area. “But mostly, we—and I include you in that we—are all that’s left protecting the East Valley territory, whether you realize it or not.”

  “I didn’t sign up for that.”

  “It’s not the sort of thing one signs up for.” She put her fist up to her mouth briefly to mask a delicate belch. “They perceive you to be a guardian of this area, therefore you are. Perception is reality, Mr. O’Sullivan.”

  “Why not go after the werewolves? Or Leif?”

  “They represent entirely different spheres of influence. The werewolves care only about other lycanthropes; since magic doesn’t touch them, they couldn’t care less who rules the territory. The vampires care only about other undead. We, on the other hand, must worry about all magic-casters.”

  “Must we?”

  “Look at places with high crime. The West Valley as opposed to the East Valley, for example. The west-side cities, including Phoenix, have higher rates of crime, poverty, and auto accidents than the east. Why do you suppose that is?”

  “Socioeconomic status and poor civil engineering.”

  “No, it’s because the West Valley is not under our aegis like the East is.”

  “You are suggesting that your coven is solely responsible for the East Valley’s relative peace and prosperity?”

  “Not solely responsible, just largely responsible. The Zoryas are protective goddesses, not the vengeful sort that wants blood and sacrifice.”

  “That’s fascinating,” I said, “but hardly germane to the point, which is where can I find this German coven and how do I kill them?”

  “Kill them the way you killed my sisters,” Malina said coldly. She didn’t know I hadn’t really killed any of them—five had been werewolf snacks, and the sixth had fallen prey to another witch, one who was on my side. “As for where they are, I imagine they are in town somewhere. I cannot give you a precise location, because I do not know myself. We will attempt to divine their location after midnight.”

  “Excellent. I will try to divine their location also. Would you say this coven is more powerful than yours?”

  “Certainly they are at the moment, outnumbered as we are. They left us alone while we were at full strength. But now they know we are depleted, the East Valley is a lovely place to live, and they think they can win.”

  “Can they?”

  “In a sense they already have. We cannot leave this floor of the building until the threat of that hex is removed, because we cannot protect ourselves individually from it. At the same time, we are unlikely to defeat them solely by magic with only six of us. So it is up to you, Mr. Sullivan, to go out and thwart them if you can.”

  “I think you’re confusing me with a superhero. Heroes go around thwarting dastardly villains. They give the evildoers to the police, and the bad guys always say they would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.” A groove appeared between Malina’s eyes as she tried to attach my words to something that made sense to her, and I could see she failed. Not a big fan of Saturday morning cartoons, I guess. “Druids, on the other hand, take revenge on people who try to cook them.”

  “Well, that I can understand.”

  “Good. Tell me why the East Valley is so desirable.”

  “Why do people fight over it, you mean?” Malina gave up pacing the living room and plopped herself on the comfy leather couch, tilting her bottle of Shiraz yet again.

  “Yes. Explain it to me as if I were a child, because in truth I have never understood the territorial urge. Why do groups of magical beings fight over pieces of real estate when we could easily spread ourselves thin over the surface of the earth?”

  “I thought it would be obvious, Mr. O’Sullivan. In a densely populated industrial society, the citizens are predisposed to think of magic as ridiculous. Therefore it is easier to blend in, easier to prey on them if we were so inclined, and far easier to profit from
them. As a single individual, you can go where you wish with relative ease; but a larger group needs a larger herd to hide in and a larger economic engine to afford us the life we’d prefer to live. Urban centers are therefore both our protection and livelihood, and it is natural that we compete for the choicest places to live.”

  “You can’t share?”

  “To some extent we can, yes. We share this territory with the Tempe Pack, for example. We share it with you. But when too many magic users populate a given area, the risk of exposure increases, as does the risk of overtaxing the economics.”

  “I beg your pardon. How exactly do you overtax the economics? I run a bookstore and apothecary shop. All members of the Tempe Pack have legitimate jobs. Don’t you do the same?”

  Malina laughed. “Why, no, Mr. O’Sullivan, I don’t. People give me everything I want. The same goes for my sisters.”

  “You mean people just give you money?”

  “Yes, that’s right.” She twirled a lock of her hair around a finger and smiled brightly at me.

  “Of their own free will?”

  “Well, that’s how they remember it.” She shrugged a shoulder and raised a hand, palm up. “So it must be true, mustn’t it?” She smirked wryly.

  “And you have no moral problem with that?”

  “None whatsoever. Actually,” she leaned forward and lowered her voice, as if sharing a confidence in a public place, “we are on the payrolls of two dozen different companies as consultants, but we do absolutely nothing for our paychecks, just like normal consultants.” She leaned back and continued at normal volume, “We do, however, provide a service to the people of the East Valley.”

  “Dare I ask what that may be?”

  “Why, we keep it free of truly nasty witches, of course, as well as some of the less savory citizens of America. There are parts of Mesa that could easily become like the dangerous parts of big cities if it weren’t for us. And that’s what will happen if die Töchter des dritten Hauses take over this territory. Not to mention the damage that the Bacchants can do once they get here.”

  “What? Bacchants are on their way here? Now?”

  “Even as we speak. You know, the ones from Las Vegas. I mentioned them to you before, didn’t I?”

  “Yes, I believe so.” I struggled to appear nonchalant, but I was dangerously close to needing a new pair of underwear. Back when I was an initiate—this was decades before Jesus—Bacchants were the scariest creatures in the world, according to the archdruid. Anything that could scare the archdruid damn well gave me nightmares; I nearly shat kine whenever Bacchus was mentioned even obliquely for my first few centuries.

  Kids today don’t know much about the Bacchants, except perhaps for the story about Orpheus told in Ovid’s Metamorphoses. I had an ASU student looking for it in my shop last week, and he defined the Bacchants for me as “those drunk chicks who killed that one dude because he wouldn’t have sex with them.” His professors must be so proud. I asked him if he knew what maenads were, and instead of correctly answering that it was just another name for Bacchants, he bizarrely thought I was referring to my own testicles—as in, “ ’Ere now, mate, don’t swing that bat around me nads.” The conversation deteriorated quickly after that.

  Now that I’m much older and hopefully wiser, I know that the archdruid’s fear was partially his own chauvinist terror of women who did whatever they wanted, but I also know that it was partially well founded.

  Bacchants carry around thyrsi, which are staves wrapped in ivy leaves that give them the power to throw an instant party: Slap the ground with them, and wine bubbles forth. They dance and drink themselves into a frenzy, and then they acquire tremendous strength, sufficient to rip apart a bull (or a man) with their bare hands. As a corollary, their frenzy tends to have a ripple effect on people around them, turning fairly civilized parties into orgies of debauchery. It isn’t the sort of magic that specifically targets anyone, and I suspected much of it had to do with simply stimulating human pheromones, so I feared my amulet wouldn’t protect me from it. In addition to this, Bacchants are not burned by fire, and they cannot be harmed by iron weapons. The former didn’t really apply to me, because Druids don’t go around chucking fireballs at their enemies, but the latter presented me with a huge problem, since I basically used my sword whenever I wanted to do unto others before they did unto me. Bacchants were therefore well protected against the talents of Druids, while I feared myself defenseless against their magic.

  “We have driven them back twice in years past,” Malina said, “but now they not only outnumber us, they can also fulminate a fine frenzy without fear of us showing up, because we’re stuck here until the German hexen are destroyed. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that the two groups are working together to take over the territory.”

  “This,” I said with a sardonic smile and waggling my left index finger at her, “is starting to sound suspicious to me.”

  Malina’s eyes widened in mock surprise. “Only now it’s starting?”

  “Yes,” I said, ignoring her sarcasm, “it sounds to me like you want me to run around and take care of your problems while you just hang out at home and watch The Notebook or something.” I changed my voice to her pitch and tried to affect a Polish accent. “Go slay the German hexen for me, Druid, and while you’re at it, take care of those bothersome Bacchants and win one for Orpheus.”

  Malina glared at me. “Was that supposed to be an imitation of my accent? It sounded like a Russian trying to imitate Bela Lugosi and failing miserably. My accent is far more sophisticated and dignified.”

  “My imitation of your accent is not the issue.”

  “Well, I’m making it one. And, besides, you offered to help avenge Waclawa.”

  “And so I will. But what does your coven plan to do to fight the hexen?” I asked. Malina deflated, considered her bottle, then thought better of drinking any more and sighed heavily, throwing her head back on the couch. The movement flung her hair about her head like a yellow whorl of silk, coming to rest on the black leather cushion like a halo. She had the power to enchant her hair so that it made men give her whatever she asked for, but I was beginning to think she hardly needed to use magic on it. The white column of her neck beckoned, and my eyes followed the arrowhead formed by the hollow of her throat and her collarbones, downward to linger on her—baseball. Focus, Atticus! Any kind of liaison with Malina would not end happily.

  “We have to find them first,” she said, “which is the point of tonight’s divination. “Once we know where they are, we can fight back from here. Nothing so dramatic as eight simultaneous hexes, but we will pick off one here and one there until you are ready to confront them directly. I will keep you informed. And when the Bacchants get here—most likely tomorrow night—I’ll let you know where they are as well.”

  “Then I suppose there is nothing left to discuss except whatever you have of mine that you really shouldn’t.”

  “Ah, yes.” Malina pushed herself up from the couch and put her wine bottle on the coffee table, weaving a bit on her boot heels. She gathered her hair and tied it back in a knot, talking affably to me as she led me to a bedroom currently doing service as a witch supply closet. “I do hope we’ll get around to signing the nonaggression treaty soon, Mr. O’Sullivan, for despite your uncomfortable questioning when you arrived and your barbaric insistence on walking around with your sword hanging out, I feel we can live and work together peaceably going forward and even prosper, once these current troubles are behind us.”

  That wasn’t English she was speaking: It was the language of diplomacy. “I have no objections to peace and prosperity,” I allowed.

  Malina’s witch closet, in contrast to the décor of her living area, was painted a pale moss green and lined with cedar shelves sporting rows of glass bottles. I tried to find one with something unspeakable in it—a human brain or deer lips or otter balls—but saw nothing but herbs, oils, philtres, and a curious collection of claws from big cats.
She had claws from tigers, snow leopards, lions, and black jaguars, as well as cheetahs, cougars, and bobcats. She also had beaks from several birds of prey, but otherwise her supplies were entirely plant-based.

  In the center of the room was a wooden worktable bought from IKEA’s kitchen department. It supported the obligatory mortar and pestle, a knife for chopping, a peeler for tubers, and an electric hot plate she had plugged in via extension cord. I was vaguely disappointed to see she had a regular saucepan resting on the hot plate rather than a black iron cauldron—and even more disappointed that there wasn’t a hapless amphibian in there. A smaller copy of the large painting in the living room hung opposite the worktable; the three Zoryas watched from the walls, waiting to bestow their blessings on Malina’s work.

  “Who supplies your herbs?” I asked. “I could probably be of assistance if you’re having trouble finding something of sufficient quality and freshness.”

  “We get most everything at an herbalist in Chandler,” Malina said, “though I’m sure we’re going to need much more bloodwort shortly if we’re to deal properly with the hexen. Have you any available?”

  Bloodwort was one of many common names for yarrow. Witches used it in some divination spells, but it could also be used in spells of both protection and attack. For my part, I employed it extensively in my apothecary business, including in several proprietary tea blends: Virus Immuni-Tea for the onset of colds and flu, Digestive Facili-Tea for various gastrointestinal ills, and a truly trippy mixture I called Enhanced Visibili-Tea. I made the latter for artists who wanted to see the world differently, because, in sufficient concentrations, yarrow could cause a temporary color shift in the eyes.

  “Sure, I have pounds of the stuff, because I use it all the time. I grow it in my backyard, all organic and very potent. How much do you need?”