by Aurora Rey
The conversation she’d left had broken up. Gina was nowhere to be seen and Olivia, Marcella, and Jae were now talking with Gerald and a man she hadn’t met. Despite a strong desire to turn around and go back to the kitchen, or to put the drinks down and leave altogether, she walked toward them. She handed Olivia and Marcella their drinks and contemplated ways she might escape. Olivia introduced Phillip, who’d started teaching the same semester as Olivia.
When Olivia turned to Gerald, he interrupted her. “I’ve already met your friend, Dr. Bennett. Ms. Bauer and I were mixing drinks together, isn’t that right?”
“We were.” Joss opted not to elaborate.
“Ms. Bauer, we were just discussing Hemingway. Have you read any of his work?”
Joss had a vague recollection of reading The Old Man and the Sea in high school, but not much else. “Only a long time ago, I’m afraid.”
“Well, I’m trying to get a sense of how people interpret Hemingway’s personification of masculinity in relation to Foucault’s assertion of exteriority. Would you care to weigh in?”
Joss knew the question was absurd for anyone not enmeshed in the study of literature. But still. That knowledge didn’t stop the rise of color in her cheeks, the feeling that everyone’s eyes were on her.
“You’re being ridiculous, Gerald. Go harass someone else.” Olivia rolled her eyes, but there was humor in her tone.
Gerald raised his hands, as if admitting defeat, and turned to join another conversation. Phillip followed, looking a bit like an eager puppy.
Marcella put a hand on Joss’s arm. “We weren’t actually talking about that, at least most of us weren’t. Gerald’s an ass.”
“And pompous,” Jae added.
Joss nodded. She didn’t doubt their sincerity, but the idea that she needed the reassurance bristled. She looked over at Olivia, who seemed unfazed by the exchange. That fact shouldn’t bother her, but it did.
Marcella rolled her eyes. “So pompous. What we were actually discussing were ridiculous student stories. I had a kid email me today asking to rewrite his first paper.”
Joss didn’t know how to respond. The request seemed maybe a little pushy, but not ridiculous. Maybe there was some kind of inside professor joke that she didn’t get. “Really?”
“Yeah. It wasn’t the asking so much as the fact that he felt the need to add how irrelevant British literature was in his life, but that getting any grade below a B would ruin his chances of getting into medical school.”
“Oh.” The explanation made Joss feel significantly better.
Marcella shook her head. “I’m not an idiot. I know there are students who feel that way. You’d think, though, they’d have the sense not to say as much when they’re asking you for something.”
Joss could relate to that. Although most of her clients were great, there were always a few pills. They had a way of being insulting and demanding at the same time—it was as baffling as it was annoying.
Jae launched into a story of a student who’d copied his entire paper from an online database, yet adamantly refused to accept plagiarism charges. Olivia had two students ask for extensions on papers because the fraternities they were pledging had required events that would take up their entire weekends. Joss relaxed enough to talk about Janice Schafer, a woman who waited until her entire kitchen back splash was put up and grouted to decide she didn’t like the tile she’d picked. “When I told her she could no longer return the original materials for a refund, she yelled at me for at least twenty minutes.”
Everyone laughed. Jae cocked his head to one side like he was deep in thought. “I wonder if her son goes to Cornell? She sounds a lot like a mother who yelled at me last semester for daring to make her son uncomfortable in my Race and Gender in Film course.”
“How dare you.” Olivia’s dramatic inflection got another laugh from the group.
The rest of the party passed smoothly. Everyone else Joss encountered was friendly and seemed genuinely interested in her and what she did. Still, the nagging voice in the back of her mind remained, replaying her conversation with Gerald. Based on the artful way Olivia deflected him, Joss was pretty sure he always behaved that way. It would have been nice if Olivia had given her a little warning. Then she could have been more adept in her handling of him as well. Joss tried to shove her irritation aside, but the uneasy feeling kept coming back. Part of it was irritation. The other part was harder to put her finger on, but it felt an awful lot like doubt.
By the time they left, Joss had worked herself into a state. She plastered a fake smile on her face and thanked Bert and Suzanne for their hospitality. She climbed into Olivia’s car, trying to focus on being relieved the whole thing was over.
Chapter Twenty
Olivia drove, bopping along to the 80s music on the radio. Joss clenched and unclenched her jaw, weighing whether or not to say anything. Olivia looked over at her and smiled.
“I really appreciate you coming with me. I know those folks aren’t your speed.”
Not her speed? The choice of words made Joss flinch. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Academics. I know you don’t really feel like you can relate to them. It was nice of you to try.”
“Are you saying I can’t keep up with them?”
Olivia made a face. “That’s not what I’m saying at all. What’s gotten into you?”
Joss had been stewing for the better part of the last hour. She’d never let Olivia be blindsided like that. It was the fact that Olivia seemed so oblivious to the whole thing that made it worse, made it impossible for her to let it go. It also made Joss feel justified in venting her frustration. “Why did you even invite me? Was I a curiosity? Comic relief?”
“What are you talking about?”
“That whole Hemingway thing? You’d honestly tell me your friend Gerald wasn’t trying to make me the butt of his joke?”
Olivia squared her shoulders defensively. “First of all, Gerald is not my friend. He’s a self-involved prick. Second of all, it was one stupid comment. He was showing off.”
“Which he seems to do all the time.” Joss flashed back to her conversation in the kitchen, the innuendo that her relationship with Olivia couldn’t possibly exist outside of some sort of quid pro quo. “You didn’t seem too bothered by it in the moment.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it? You practically giggled at him.” It was a low blow, and Joss regretted sinking to that level.
“That is both untrue and unfair. I don’t know what’s put you in such a foul mood, but I refuse to accept responsibility for some asinine comment by some guy I can’t even stand.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“Really? That’s how it sounded. I knew you weren’t crazy about academic types, but I had no idea you’d be so derailed by them. I’m sorry I didn’t swoop in and defend you against the department bully.”
Olivia clearly didn’t get it, or didn’t want to. Joss regretted saying anything. “I don’t need you to defend me.”
“Well, then what do you need? Because right now, I’ll be damned if I know.”
There was an angry reply on the tip of Joss’s tongue, but she swallowed it. What did she need? What did she want? For so long, she thought she’d known. Knowing, and the confidence of knowing, had been such a divining rod in her life. Since she’d opened herself to Olivia, all of that had changed. Maybe that was the real problem. “I needed a heads-up about what I was walking into, but it’s too late for that now.”
That seemed to stop Olivia in her tracks. “Oh.”
“I can hold my own, but it would have been nice to feel like we’re on the same team.”
“Joss.” Olivia’s tone softened. “I’m sorry.”
“Thanks, but it’s not just tonight. It’s everything. It’s us.” Joss’s irritation had morphed into something bigger, even more unsettling.
“Joss, come on. What happened tonight? It was something, and you’re not te
lling me.”
“Nothing happened. The last couple of weeks have been really intense.”
“Intense bad? I thought things were going well.”
“Not intense bad, just intense. I’m realizing exactly how involved we’ve become without ever actually deciding what that should look like.” Really, that was freaking her out more than anything Gerald had said. They were hurtling down a path and she’d been so busy enjoying the ride, she hadn’t realized how far they’d gone.
Olivia looked at Joss. She realized with a jolt how strong her feelings had become. For all intents and purposes, Olivia was in love with her. The idea that Joss was trying to withdraw—both literally and emotionally—made her a little panicky. Freaking out would only make matters worse. She needed to get Joss to talk, not run. Olivia took a deep breath and tried to calm down. “You’re right.”
“I am?” Joss seemed surprised by her quick admission.
“The last couple of weeks have been a little nutty. Lots of worlds colliding.”
Joss let out a half chuckle. “Colliding. That sure is what it feels like.”
Olivia’s irritation morphed into guilt. “And the people in my department can be overwhelming. Most of them mean well, but a couple are real assholes. Gerald especially. I should have warned you.”
Joss didn’t look comforted by that. “I can handle myself.”
“Of course you can. It still doesn’t mean you should have to. It was a party, for Pete’s sake.” A party that had been a mistake. She should have known better than to throw Joss into that. Olivia had been so caught up in how much she wanted Joss with her, she hadn’t stopped to think about the consequences of it not going well. “It’s a lot to navigate when we’re still trying to get to know each other.”
Joss tilted her head, as if in agreement, but didn’t say anything.
“I can’t tell you how much it means that you came with me.” Olivia pulled into her driveway and cut the engine. Joss didn’t move to get out, so she didn’t either.
“Do you think I’m using you?”
Olivia searched Joss’s face for meaning. Nothing in Gerald’s little dig should have led to that. “What? Where did that come from?”
“I clearly don’t move in the same circles that you do. Do you think I came with you tonight so I could get access to potential customers?”
At first, Olivia thought she must be joking. Then she was annoyed, since the question held in it the implication that she either wouldn’t know the difference or didn’t care. She glanced over, though, and saw the pained look in Joss’s eyes. Olivia turned in the seat so she was facing Joss, took one of Joss’s hands in her own. “Of course I don’t think that. First, you seem to have more business than you know what to do with.”
Joss shrugged.
“Second, and more importantly, you’ve given me absolutely no reason to doubt your sincerity, or your integrity.”
“Thanks.”
“Third, I’m not an idiot. And my bullshit detector is pretty good. If you think otherwise, then you’re not giving me enough credit and we need to talk about that.”
Joss sighed. “You’re right.”
“Fourth, if you were angling to use me for my connections, you would have been nicer to me when you found out where I worked, not meaner. And you would have jumped at the chance to go tonight instead of dragging your feet like a seven-year-old at bedtime.”
Joss shook her head and smiled. “Okay, I think you’ve made your point.”
“Where did that come from?” She needed to know. Almost more than making Joss feel better, Olivia needed to understand what started it in the first place.
“Nowhere. Forget I said anything.”
“Joss, please. Don’t shut me out.”
Joss sighed. “I ran into Gerald in the kitchen. He insinuated that the only reason I was dating you was to get access to potential clients.”
“Fucking Gerald.” Olivia ground her teeth together. It wasn’t the first time he’d entertained himself at her expense. It was a wonder Joss hadn’t walked out of the party altogether.
“Yeah. I’m sorry I let him get to me.”
Olivia fought the urge to rail against him. It would be satisfying, but it probably wasn’t what Joss needed. In that moment, what Joss needed was far more important. “It’s okay. He’s got a rare talent for it. Are we okay?”
“We’re okay.”
Joss seemed to mean it. Olivia was relieved, if not entirely assured. “Good. Does that mean you’re staying over?”
Joss sighed again and shrugged. “If you’ll have me.”
“Oh, I’ll have you all right. Come on.” Olivia climbed out of her car, glad that Joss immediately followed. As they walked to the side door, Olivia took Joss’s hand.
Joss gave her hand a squeeze. “I’m sorry I asked you that.”
Olivia unlocked the door and pulled Joss inside with her. “I’m sorry you felt compelled to ask.”
“Yeah.”
Joss looked miserable again, so Olivia decided to lighten the mood. “Besides, if anyone was using anyone, it would be me using you.”
“You using me? What for? You’re paying for the work, unless I missed the memo.”
Olivia grabbed the front of Joss’s shirt and pulled her close. “No, silly. I’d be using you for your body. You’re seriously hot.”
Joss raised a brow and smirked. “Cute. You’re cute.”
“I am, but I’m serious, too. I wanted to get my hands on you the moment we first met.”
Joss’s face softened and she smiled. “The feeling was mutual.”
“Stop it. You didn’t even like me when we first met. And you thought I was straight.”
There was a playful gleam in Joss’s eye. “It doesn’t mean I didn’t still want to get my hands on you.”
“Touché. Take me to bed, please, and put your hands all over me.”
“I thought you’d never ask.” Joss grabbed her hand and pulled her down the hallway.
The second they were in the bedroom, Olivia started pulling at Joss’s clothes. Suddenly, she was desperate to touch, to have her hands on Joss’s skin. It was as though the physical contact would chase away the panic that had risen when Joss tried to pull away.
Joss’s mouth was warm, firm, insistent. She teased Olivia’s tongue with hers, coaxing her to be assertive and insistent in return. Joss’s grip on her tightened. She pressed her body—her lean, hard, amazing body—into Olivia. The heat, the demand, of it made Olivia feel as though she were being swallowed whole.
They tumbled to the bed, mostly naked. Olivia gripped the tight muscles of Joss’s rear end, pulling their bodies together. Joss ground her pelvis into Olivia, creating a friction that made Olivia long to be filled. She tugged at Joss’s boxers. “You have to get these off. I have to feel you.”
Joss pulled away long enough to comply. As Joss crawled back up the bed, Olivia scooted herself down, positioning herself beneath the apex of Joss’s thighs.
“Olivia.” Joss’s voice was rough and unsteady.
“Please. Let me.”
Already feeling intoxicated by the urgency that had taken over them, Olivia drank in Joss’s scent and felt herself grow even more aroused. She plunged her tongue into Joss’s heat, heard her groan. Olivia wrapped her arms around Joss’s thighs, keeping Joss close. When she slid her tongue higher, she found Joss hard and swollen. Olivia took her with long, firm strokes. She let Joss control the pace, matching her movements to the slow thrusts of Joss’s hips.
She could tell that Joss was close. Olivia longed for the release as though it was her own. When she felt Joss’s legs begin to quiver, Olivia quickened her mouth, willing Joss to tumble over the edge. When Joss screamed her name, Olivia held her tight, riding the wave of pleasure with her and nearly having an orgasm of her own.
Joss collapsed onto the bed next to her. Olivia caressed her side, enjoying the way Joss’s skin was damp from exertion. “I don’t think I will ever get enough of y
ou.”
Joss moved with surprising speed, rolling on top of her. “You know, I was just thinking the same thing.”
Before Olivia could respond, Joss was between her legs. She traced her thumb over Olivia’s swollen labia, making Olivia realize just how wet she was. Joss slid two fingers into her and Olivia clamped down, feeling her body tense and her mind relax. “You feel amazing.”
Olivia opened her eyes and found Joss smiling at her. “You know, I was just thinking the same thing.”
Joss bent her head and Olivia felt her mouth slide over her. Each thrust was matched with a press of tongue. Olivia rose to meet her, aching for more. When Joss added a third finger, filling her completely, Olivia fisted her hands in the sheets, trying to hold back the orgasm that was building low in her belly. When Joss’s last finger started to circle her tight opening, she nearly arched off the bed. Olivia came with a violent intensity; it left her entire body weak and trembling.
The next thing she knew, Joss’s arms were around her, holding her tight. They lay like that a long time. Olivia slowly regained her breath, though her limbs still felt like jelly.
“Was that okay?” Joss’s voice was soft, but still a little husky.
Olivia lifted her head and looked at her. “If by okay, you mean mind-shatteringly good, then yes. Yes, it was okay.”
Joss smiled. “I just wanted to make sure. It felt a little…primal.”
Olivia chuckled. “That’s a good word for it. It was amazing. I loved everything about it.”
Joss brushed a curl from Olivia’s forehead. “Okay. Good.”
They cuddled a while longer. Olivia felt surprisingly awake, wired almost. She could tell from Joss’s breathing that she was still awake, too. Olivia propped herself on her elbow and rested her chin in her hand. “Can I tell you something?”
“Of course.”
“In my very first faculty meeting, Gerald baited me into an argument. I fell for it and I ended up looking like a complete fool.”
“Are you telling me this to make me feel better?”