Selby Screams

by Duncan Ball

  “No, Ma, please!” Knuckles pleaded. “Not a spanking! No! It’s not fair! Nobody spanks like you!”

  Wilma strode out of the dressing-room.

  “This is awful!” Selby thought. “I’ve got to do something. I’ve got to give Knuckles a good pep talk.”

  “Pull yourself together, Champ,” Selby said. “I’ve got an idea.”

  Knuckles wiped the tears from his eyes with his boxing gloves and looked around.

  “Who’s there?” he asked. “Oh, no! I was right! Now I’m hearing things. I’ve had one punch too many.”

  “Never mind about that,” Selby said from deep inside the box. “Tonight you’re going to dance.”

  “I’m going to what?” Knuckles said to an empty locker.

  “Dance, you big lug,” Selby said. “You’re not going to punch, you’re going to dance. If you’re a good dancer, he won’t be able to lay a glove on you.”

  “What if I’m not a good dancer?” Knuckles said to the sink.

  “Just remember what they taught you at ballet school,” Selby said. “Now get out there, your mum’s already counted up to nine.”

  “Oh, no!” Knuckles screeched. “Not another spanking!”

  Knuckles raced out of the dressing-room and into the ring as Selby sneaked into the hall. The referee rang the bell and the two boxers came towards each other. Slugfest threw a punch and watched as his brother hopped to one side. He swung again and Knuckles jumped back as fast as lightning.

  “Hey! What’s going on here?” Slugfest muttered as a brilliant uppercut missed his dancing brother.

  The crowd went silent as Knuckles leaped from side to side and then all around his bewildered brother, who punched in every direction.

  “Stand still!” Slugfest whispered. “This isn’t fair! We’re supposed to be punching each other.”

  “That’s what you think,” Knuckles whispered back, spinning around and holding his hands together over his head.

  Round after round, Knuckles danced as the sweat poured off his brawny brother.

  “Make him stand still,” Slugfest hissed at the referee.

  “There’s nothing in the rules about standing still,” the referee said as Knuckles picked him up and spun him around, putting him back on the canvas ever so gently.

  Slugfest drew in a deep breath and then punched in every direction as fast as he could, hoping to hit his brother just by luck.

  “Ha ha, you can’t hit me,” Knuckles sang as he danced this way and that, and the crowd roared as the exhausted Slugfest collapsed on the canvas.

  “What a fight!” the referee yelled, holding up Knuckles’ hand. “You’ve won! I’ve never seen anything like it! It was a no-punch fight!”

  “I did it!” Knuckles screamed at his smiling mother. “Did you see me dance on my toes, Ma! Now they’ll have to let me back into ballet class!”

  “Ma? Ballet class?” the smiling Mrs Trifle mumbled as she and Selby started home. “Am I hearing things?”

  “If you are,” Selby thought as he trotted alongside her, “you’re not the first one to hear things tonight.”

  SELBY TIPPED TO WIN

  It was a happy day for Bogusville when the international domino tipping-over champion, Sandra “Steady” Sturgis stabbed a finger at the map of the world and said, “Right there is where I will construct the domino tipping-over show of the century and win back the highly coveted diamond-studded World Domino Tipping-Over Trophy from that nasty little country that I’d rather you didn’t mention.”

  “But, Steady,” her domino coach said as he brushed the pink velvet on her best domino setting-up trousers, “your finger has just landed on Australia.”

  “Not just Australia,” Steady said, sliding her finger to the side to see the tiny letters underneath, “but a town called Bogusville. It’s the perfect place. All I have to do is talk the mayor into letting us use one of the public buildings for the domino show.”

  “I don’t understand,” Mrs Trifle said when Steady Sturgis and her coach came to see her about the contest.

  “It’s simple,” said Steady, looking over at Selby who lay on the carpet nearby. “Remember when you were a child and you set up a line of dominoes and then tipped one over and they all went down like … like dominoes?”

  “Yes, but —” Mrs Trifle started.

  “Well things have changed,” said the coach, who was standing stiffly behind Steady.

  “Changed?” Selby thought. “Maybe they’re making round dominoes now.”

  “The dominoes themselves haven’t changed but the sport of domino tipping-over is now one of the most competitive, highly developed, difficult, brain-taxing, expensive and fun sports in the whole —”

  “Yes, Ms Sturgis, I understand all that,” Mrs Trifle interrupted. “What I don’t understand is why you want to hold your domino spectacular in Bogusville.”

  “No tremors,” Steady said. “No earthquakes. No volcanoes erupting. No bombs going off. Not even a ripple. The ground in Bogusville just sits there. It doesn’t move at all.”

  “I see,” Mrs Trifle said, looking down and noticing that the floor in the lounge room wasn’t moving.

  “The slightest wobble can ruin months of careful domino setting-up just like that!” Steady said, snapping her gloved fingers. “And I’m not taking any chances. The first-ever domino tipping-over contest was held in Tokyo on the day of their biggest earthquake.”

  “And I believe it rained dominoes for days,” Steady’s coach said, adding in a low voice: “Don’t forget to tell Mayor Trifle about you-know-what.”

  “Ah, yes, I was coming to that,” Steady said. “Here in Bogusville we can keep this whole thing secret till the last minute and that’s extremely important.”

  “Why do you want to keep it secret?” Mrs Trifle asked.

  “The world domino tipping-over title is now held by a nasty little country that I’d rather not mention. They cheated me out of it last year. Their spies sneaked into the exhibition hall and started my dominoes tipping over the night before the judging. There was no time to set them up again for the judges to see.”

  “You’re afraid they might do the same again, is that it?” Mrs Trifle asked.

  “You are an incredibly understanding and intelligent woman, Mrs Mayor. Now is it okay if I use your town hall?” Steady asked. “On the day of the tipping-over, we’ll invite every man, woman and dog in Bogusville to see the spectacle of a lifetime.”

  “That would be very nice,” Mrs Trifle said, looking over at Selby. “But maybe we’d better forget the dogs. They might start things tipping by accident.”

  “Quite right,” Steady said. “And remember, with all the press coverage, this will truly put Bogusville on the map.”

  “Of course you can use the town hall,” Mrs Trifle said, wondering how Steady and her coach had found their way to Bogusville if it wasn’t on the map. “I can’t see what harm it’ll do.”

  “Yahooooooooo!” Steady screamed, kissing Mrs Trifle on both cheeks. “You’ll never regret this. Come on, Coach, we’d better get moving.”

  The next day a truckload of dominoes in every size and colour arrived and Steady began setting them up.

  “That Steady is quite a woman,” Dr Trifle said to Mrs Trifle one evening when there wasn’t much else to say. “I’ve never known anyone to work so hard. But I’m a bit concerned about the town hall. Did you know that she’s locked it all up and no one’s allowed in?”

  “Yes, I know,” Mrs Trifle said, as she put some Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits in Selby’s bowl. “And when the council and I go into the council chambers we all have to tiptoe so we don’t start the dominoes tipping. But Steady will have to be finished setting them up by ten o’clock tomorrow morning. The World Domino Tipping-Over jury came to town today and they’re ready for the judging. If she’s not ready tomorrow, they’ll all fly back to where they came from and the trophy will stay in that country that Steady would rather not mention.”

  “I onl
y hope that the people of Bogusville enjoy the show,” Dr Trifle said.

  “I’m sure they will,” Mrs Trifle said, patting Selby’s head. “In fact, Steady has invited us both over to the hall tonight for a look at the dominoes. Come along.”

  “I’m sure the people of Bogusville will enjoy the show,” Selby thought as he sneaked over to the town hall after the Trifles had left the house. “But I thought Mrs Trifle’s remark about dogs starting the dominoes tipping was quite unfair.”

  The lights in the hall were on when Selby climbed a nearby tree and peered through a window. The floor was black with lines of dominoes and Dr and Mrs Trifle stood quietly at a safe distance. He watched as Steady Sturgis took the last domino from a velvet cushion held by her coach and put it down.

  “Finished!” she yelled. “Seventy-two million dominoes set to go! When the jury arrives in the morning, I will lie on the floor, resting on an elbow, and with the flick of a finger I’ll knock over the starter domino and it’ll be on for young and old. First there will be one row falling and then two and then three! Then on to the Rainbow Run!”

  “The Rainbow Run?” Mrs Trifle said.

  “When those dominoes over there begin to fall there’ll be a cascade of colour like a hundred rainbows sweeping up and over the archway. You will need sunglasses just to look at them. Then down to the Sea of Sorrows.”

  “The Sea of Sorrows?” Dr Trifle said.

  “Huge waves of dominoes will flow back and forth across the main floor, crashing on rocks made of dominoes and setting up a wind that will blow the jury’s hats off! Then on to the Circle of Fire!”

  “The Circle of Fire?” Mrs Trifle said.

  “Round and round they’ll go in that big bowl, all rubbing together as they fall, throwing up sparks until they ignite in a mass of flames! And then, finally, on to the Musical Map!”

  “The Musical Map?” Dr Trifle said.

  “See that big slope over there? A line of dominoes will snake around to the top of the rectangle and then the whole mass of them will begin to topple. The sides of all the dominoes are painted so that as they fall you’ll see the map of Australia suddenly appear. But that’s not all! Each domino is specially made to play a musical note when it falls, so as the map appears you will hear ‘Advance Australia Fair’ so loud that you’ll have to put your fingers in your ears!”

  “Wow!” Selby said as Steady and the Trifles locked up and tiptoed out of the hall. “The Rainbow Run, the Sea of Sorrows, the Circle of Fire and the Musical Map! I’ll stay right here till morning and watch it through the window. If I can only (yawn) stay awake.”

  No sooner were the words out of Selby’s mouth than he slumped over the branch and fell sound asleep, only to be wakened by whispers from the hall.

  “Grimblerk, look!” a voice said. “The dominoes is all set up to fall down! He he he he (snort) heh heh! We knock’em all over now.”

  “Too right, little Ogglebriff,” another voice said. “We knock’em all down like accident and we keep’em highly coveted diamond-studded trophy. Heh heh heh (snort).”

  “Grimblerk? Ogglebriff?” Selby thought as he peered in at the two men who had broken into the town hall. “They must be spies from that country that Steady would rather not mention. I’ve got to stop them before they start the dominoes tipping!”

  With this, Selby let out a great scream and swung from his branch, crashing through the window, causing the two spies — who had never seen a screaming, swinging dog before — to faint. All of which would have been okay if he hadn’t landed smack on the starter domino and started the line of dominoes toppling.

  “Oh, no!” Selby yelled as he ran along the line of tipping dominoes, trying to head them off only to have them branch out into two lines and then three. “If I don’t stop them, Steady won’t win back the trophy!”

  Selby tore ahead, diving into the middle of the Rainbow Run only to have the tipping dominoes spread around him in a blinding cascade of colour.

  “Stop!” Selby screamed, wishing he was wearing sunglasses. “No, not the Sea of Sorrows!” he added, picking himself up too late and diving onto the floor of the Sea of Sorrows with waves of dominoes crashing left and right.

  “I’ll have to head it off at the Circle of Fire!” Selby screeched as he jumped into the bowl just as the first dominoes started to fall against one another, throwing up more and more sparks until tiny flames came and went all around him.

  For a moment there was silence. Selby stood up and looked around.

  “I did it!” he thought. “I stopped the dominoes tipping over. Of course it’s a catastrophe — but at least it’s only a little catastrophe and not a big one.”

  Selby sniffed the air.

  “Ooooooops! There’s something still burning,” he thought. “I wonder what it could be? Yikes! My foot’s on fire!” he yelled, jumping out of the Ring of Fire and stamping the ground. “Oh no! I’ve started the dominoes tipping again! They’re headed for the top of the Musical Map. It’s my last chance to rescue any of the domino tipping-over spectacular!”

  Selby raced after the line of falling dominoes and then threw himself through the air, snatching at the top domino of the map but overshooting and crashing straight out the back door. He picked himself up and turned around just in time to hear the last deafening bars of “Advance Australia Fair” and see Steady Sturgis, her coach and the jury dash into the hall in their dressing-gowns.

  “I’m ruined!” Steady screamed as she threw herself on the domino-littered floor. “I’d go mad if I had to set them all up again! This is the end of my career!”

  “Just a minute,” the president of the jury said, looking at the unconscious men. “I’d know these two rascals anywhere. This is Grimblerk and Ogglebriff from that nasty little country that now holds the trophy. It must have been they who started the dominoes toppling. And because they cheated, I hereby award the highly coveted diamond-studded World Domino Tipping-Over Trophy to you.”

  “Thank you so much,” Steady said, snatching the trophy. “I’m only sorry that every man, woman and dog in Bogusville missed the show.”

  “Every man and woman in Bogusville may have missed the show,” Selby thought as he sped off home. “But this little doggie didn’t miss a thing.”

  SELBY FLIES THE SMILING SKIES

  “You’re a naughty dog getting my boys all excited like that!"Aunt Jetty said as she watched her sons, Willy and Billy, chase Selby round and round the lounge room with their wooden tomahawks. “I’m putting you on the first plane to where the Trifles are staying, even if they are on holidays.”

  “Mummy, he talks,” Willy wailed as he shot a rubber-tipped arrow at Selby. “I heard him talk once and I’m going to make him talk again.”

  “Yes, yes, dear,” Aunt Jetty said."I’m sure you did. Now stop that playing, I’m taking Selby to the airport.”

  “Thank goodness!” Selby thought as Willy’s lasso missed him by a millimetre. “I can’t wait to get away from these horrible people and back with the Trifles. And I’ll get to fly in an aeroplane for the first time! Oh boy!”

  “I only wish I could send Willy and Billy along too,"Aunt Jetty mumbled."Then it would be really peaceful around here.”

  On the way to the airport, Selby remembered the ads he’d seen for Happytime Airlines with a beautiful, smiling stewardess fluffing up a passenger’s pillow and saying, “We know how to make people happy. Come smile awhile in the happy skies of Happytime.”

  “She looked so friendly and so neat,” Selby thought. “I hope I’m flying on Happytime. I can’t wait to sit back in my seat and have her fluff up my pillow while I eat those cute little meals, watch movies on tiny screens, and look down at people on the ground who are so small they look like ants. It’s going to be great!”

  Aunt Jetty’s truck screeched to a stop and she jumped out and handed Selby over to a Happytime Airlines employee.

  “Of course he’ll travel in the baggage compartment,” the man said, dropping Selby i
n a wire cage. “But I’m sure he’ll be happy in there.”

  “More’s the pity,"Aunt Jetty mumbled.

  In a minute, Selby found himself travelling along darkened corridors on a conveyor belt surrounded by suitcases.

  “It’s not fair!” he moaned. “I want to sit in a proper seat. I want to look out the window and see people who look like ants. I want to be a passenger, not a prisoner! Oh, woe, what is a dog to do?”

  Selby’s mind raced like a runaway train. Suddenly he reached through the cage and undid the latch.

  “I know what a dog can do,” he thought, jumping out of the cage. “He can get on that plane as a normal passenger, that’s what. All I have to do is get a disguise.”

  Selby pictured himself in a raincoat, wearing a beard and sunglasses and then in a long gown with strings of pearls and a wig.

  “Oh, it’s no use. No matter what I wear, I’ll look like a dog. But hold the show! What’s wrong with looking like a dog? I’ll dress up as a dog. I’ll get a dog costume and people will think I’m a person in a dog suit!” he thought, suddenly remembering the money hidden in his collar that he got for acting in the Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits ad. “It’s perfect! They’ll never think it’s a dog in a dog suit.”

  Selby crept into a deserted office, grabbed the telephone book and found an ad that said:

  COURAGEOUS COSTUME HIRE COME HERE FOR YOUR GEAR. HIRE THE ATTIRE THAT YOU DARE TO WEAR.

  Selby picked up a telephone and dialled.

  “Hello, Courageous Costume? I’m in a bit of a fix and I need a dog costume fast. Bring it to the airport. If you can get it here in ten minutes, you’ve got a deal.”

  It was a puzzled delivery man who came into the airport carrying the dog suit and looking around for the mysterious caller. It was a startled delivery man who caught a glimpse of something small and furry as it snatched the parcel and then disappeared into the crowd.

  “Hey, what was that? I’ve been mugged by a midget! Stop, thief!” he yelled, suddenly noticing the money that lay at his feet and picking it up. “Ha ha! The joke’s on him! He just dropped enough money to pay for the wretched costume. He can keep it.”