Conor watches as Jack’s lids grow heavier, droop and fall until they finally close.
Conor wakes up sometime and light is creeping in around the curtains. He sits up and checks his watch. He notices someone has draped a blanket over him. Jack is still sound asleep and Conor watches the soft rise and fall of his chest. He hopes he is in the middle of a happy dream far away from here.
When Jack wakes, he leaves him to get dressed while he goes downstairs. Libby is sitting at the kitchen table clasping a mug and her eyes are red-rimmed. She starts when she sees him.
“Sorry, Conor – I didn’t hear you come in – is Jack awake yet?”
“He is, he’s just getting dressed, and he’ll be down in a minute.”
“Thanks for sitting in with him last night – I peeped in and you were fast asleep in the chair.”
“Was it you who put the blanket over me?”
She smiles. “I did.”
“Well, thank you. Did you manage to get any sleep at all yourself?”
She shakes her head. “I just couldn’t, you know.” She starts to choke up. “I’m sorry – I’m just finding this all very hard,” she whispers. “I mean, I knew she was dying but now that she’s left us – I just don’t know how I’m going to do this.” Her voice breaks with tears. “I miss her so much already.”
“I know what you’re going through – my partner Leni died last year.”
“So you know what it’s like then. I’m sorry you had to go through this too, Conor.”
He nods. “What time did everyone go home?”
“Most went around midnight. My husband took my three boys off home before eleven – they were exhausted – yesterday was a long day.”
“I can imagine.”
“I’m sure they’ll all be over again soon anyway.”
“Any word on John-Paul?”
“They’re not releasing him on bail as they reckon he poses a risk to Jack. Garda Maguire reckons he’s looking at a hefty sentence, first for assaulting you and then for the abduction of a minor. He said the judge might be lenient because of the mitigating circumstances such as the court ruling earlier on that day but still they’re very serious charges.”
Jack comes in then.
“Jack, pet, how did you sleep?” She forces brightness into her voice.
“I dreamt me and Ma were on an airplane and Ma didn’t like it because we had no pilot so we couldn’t take off and she said ‘What kind of a shower is this at all?’”
Libby laughs. “That’s exactly what she would say, Jack. Would you two like some breakfast?” She turns to Conor. “One of the neighbours left stuff for a fry-up in the fridge.”
“Well, okay . . . I mean, if it’s not too much trouble.”
“No bother, we’ve a long day ahead – we need to get a good breakfast into us. What would you like?”
“Can I have Coco Pops?”
“Go on then –”
Jack gets up and pours his own cereal. They all sit around chatting while Libby starts the fry. Conor phones Liam to ask him to open up the shop for him so he can stay on with Jack.
“Would you like to go to the cinema for a few hours, Jack?” Conor hopes it will help take his mind off things and also give Libby a chance to organise things for the funeral.
“Okay – but only if I can get a supersize popcorn?”
“Are you trying to blackmail me, Jack White?” Conor asks in mock indignation.
When they get back, Jack sees his cousins playing on the road and runs to join them. Conor goes on into the house and sees Rachel is in the kitchen talking to Libby. Mrs Morton and a few other ladies that he doesn’t know are making sandwiches.
“How’s he doing?” Libby asks.
“It’s hard to know – one minute he’s okay and then at other times he just looks so lost.”
Libby nods. “He is lost, poor fella.” Her voice threatens to break again.
“What’s going to happen to him?” Conor asks, sitting down with them at the table.
“Well, as you know the court have granted me full guardianship as per Tina’s wishes, so when he’s ready, Jack will be coming to live with me and my family. I don’t want to uproot him straight away, I want to give him time to make the adjustment – he’s had a tough couple of weeks, God love him.”
“You live in Wicklow, right?”
“Yeah, we’re out in the heart of the countryside. Jack loves it there – we’ve a big garden and any amount of trees for boys like that to climb. And he loves his cousins. There is a good school where mine all go and the principal has him down to start in a couple of weeks, when he’s feeling up to it, you know?”
“I suppose it’s the best outcome for him.”
“I’m going to do my best by him for Tina.”
“I know you will. Look, I need to go back to the shop and sort a few things out with Liam, the guy I have covering for me, and I want to grab a shower and a change of clothes but I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”
“Sure – you don’t have to be here, you know – if you have stuff you need to do –”
“No, no, I want to be here – I’ll just be a couple of hours.”
“Well, take your time – Jack is occupied playing at the moment.”
“I’ll walk out with you,” Rachel says.
They go out the front door and walk down the path to where Rachel has parked her car.
“Want a lift?”
“Nah, I’m only a few streets away.”
“Look, I just want to say thanks for all that you’re doing for Jack right now.”
“There’s no need – he means a lot to me.”
“There’s more. I want to say that I’m sorry for misjudging you – you know, when we first met?”
“You don’t have to apologise – I understand why you might have thought that my motives . . . weren’t entirely good . . . ”
“It’s just sometimes doing this job makes me very cynical – I tend to see the worst in things because that’s what I’m so used to seeing, if that makes sense?”
“It does.”
“Well, I’d better go – I’ve an appointment but I’ll be over tomorrow morning before the funeral just to make sure that Libby is getting on okay.”
“I think she’s going to be good for Jack, you know – it’s a stable setting and he gets on really well with his cousins. Obviously it’ll never compare to having his own mother alive but he’s lucky he has her.”
“He is lucky – it makes my job a hell of a lot easier too, I can tell you, when I know someone like Libby is there to step in. Right, I’ll see you tomorrow, Conor. And thanks again. For everything.”
Chapter 65
Conor is sitting in a pew a few rows behind Jack who is sitting in the first pew with Libby and her family. He watches as people go up and shake their hands before taking a seat. The coffin stands lonely in the centre of the aisle, surrounded by wreaths of flowers. There are also photos of Tina at different stages of her life. There is one of her holding Jack as a baby and Conor finds himself looking away from it. It’s just too heartbreaking.
Jack turns around and catches his eye. Conor puts a half smile on his face and Jack does the same.
“How is he?” Rachel whispers as she slides into the pew beside Conor.
“He’s all right. I don’t think it has hit him yet, to be honest. John-Paul isn’t here?” he says, turning around to do a quick scan of the church.
“Well, even if they let him come here on compassionate grounds, I don’t think he’d dare show his face.”
“Good – it’s better that way.”
“Well, the last thing Jack needs right now is more drama with his dad.”
Conor nods. The priest clears his throat before starting his homily.
When the service is over, they all walk heavily back out into the morning sunlight. Rachel and Conor stand on the steps where the sun is glinting off the white marble. “I’m driving to the crematorium if you want a lift?�
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“That’d be great, thanks.”
Conor gets into Rachel’s car and puts on his seatbelt. He notices that it smells of her perfume. She takes off her heels to drive in her stocking-feet.
At the crematorium Jack is on the seat in front of them and Conor notices from behind how he tenses up as the coffin is retracted mechanically behind the curtain. Libby has one arm around his shoulders, while she uses her right hand to dab at her eyes with a tissue.
They all head back to St Dominic’s Terrace when it is over. Mrs Morton and a few of the other neighbours are dishing out sandwiches and serving cups of tea.
“Are you feeling okay, mate?” Conor says, coming up beside Jack who is pouring himself a glass of Coke.
“Yeah, but I wish Ma was here.” He is pulling at the collar of his shirt.
“I know you do,” Conor says. “Here, let me open the top button for you.”
After a while Jack gets changed out of the trousers and shirt that Libby had dressed him in for the funeral and goes out on the green to play football with his cousins.
That evening, after most people have cleared out of the house, Libby’s husband takes the boys home.
“That must have been some game of football – your hair is all sweaty,” Conor says as they climb the stairs.
“Yeah, and Stephen said I could be Ronaldo even though Eoghan wanted to be as well.”
“Cool.”
“Libby didn’t tell me to put back on my glasses. Ma always makes me wear my glasses even when I’m playing football.” He sounds sad.
“She has a lot on her mind at the moment, Jack.”
“I like having Libby here and you and my cousins – it’s lots of fun – but I miss Ma – I wish she was here too because it’s like we’re having a party and she loved parties.”
“Of course you do, Jack . . . but just remember what I said? I bet she’s here with us, having a great time too – it’s just that we can’t see her.
“Ma wanted to be burn-ded because she said she didn’t want the worms eating her up and spiders crawling all over her in the ground. Ma hates spiders.”
“Yeah, some people hate the thought of being buried in the soil. My girlfriend Leni was the same.”
“She got burn-ded as well?”
“She did.”
“I don’t think I’d like to be burn-ded.”
“Me neither. I think I’ll take my chances with the worms.”
When Jack dozes off, Conor goes downstairs. The only ones left are Libby and Rachel. They are sitting chatting at the table.
“Did he go off all right?”
“He did. The boys have him exhausted. You look tired yourself, Libby.”
“I am, but even if I went to bed I don’t think I’d sleep.”
Conor nods. “Well, I guess I’d better be off home now,” he says.
“Thank you so much for coming, Conor – I’m really grateful for the support and it’s meant so much to Jack.”
“I’m glad, Libby.”
“And I think I’ll head off myself,” Rachel says. She stands up and starts to put on her coat.
“Thanks for coming, Rachel,” Libby says. “I’m sure it’s not part of the job to go to funerals and we really appreciate you being here today.”
“I wanted to come to pay my respects to Tina – and Jack too, y’know.”
“Well, thanks, we appreciate it.”
“I’ll call around again in the morning. Try and get some sleep, Libby, you’ve had a long day.” She puts her hand over the other woman’s.
“I’ll go up in a while.”
“Right, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you then.”
Conor and Rachel walk out to where her car is parked on the street.
“Do you want a lift?” she offers.
“Nah, I could use the walk to clear my head, to be honest.”
They both fall silent for a moment until Conor speaks again. “Will Jack be all right?”
“I think so, I hope so. I’m doing this job for over twelve years now and, believe me, I’ve seen a lot. I’ve seen people whose love for alcohol and drugs will always be stronger than their love for their children – it’s sad and it’s hard to watch and we’re all programmed to believe that Mother Nature will kick in and be the strongest force – maybe it’s Hollywood – but unfortunately it isn’t that way for everyone. It’s a sad fact but that’s life. But Tina was one where Mother Nature did kick in and she turned her life around all because of her love for Jack. People like her are the reason that I do this job. The hope and belief in humanity that people can change. Otherwise why would anyone do it?”
“I understand what you’re saying. Hope is what keeps us all afloat, isn’t it?”
She nods. “It’s like that Emily Dickinson poem – ‘Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul –’”
“‘And sings the tune without the words and never stops at all,’” he finishes it for her.
Their eyes meet and she looks away quickly. “God, sorry, listen to me yakking on! Sorry, I don’t usually lose the run of myself like that . . . ” She can feel the heat rise in her cheeks. She stuffs her hands down inside the pockets of her coat.
“My girlfriend is mad about that poem,” he says eventually. He still hates using the word ‘was’ about Leni because it makes him feel he is being disloyal to her. You would use the word ‘was’ if you broke up with someone but he and Leni never broke up.
“The photo in your shop – the one beside the till – is that her?”
“It is –”
“She’s very pretty.”
“She is.” He feels awkward keeping up the present tense. “She died last year.”
“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry!” Her hands fly to her mouth. “Why do I always do things like this?”
“Here, I can see if there’s a shovel out the back if you want to dig yourself out of the hole?” He is smiling at her.
“How did she die?”
“She was mugged for her phone but the guy who did it pushed her backwards and she fell and banged her head against the pavement and that was it. She was on life support and myself and her family had to make the decision to turn off the machine because the Leni that I knew and loved wasn’t coming back again.”
“God, that must have been so awful for you.”
“It was – it still is to be honest –”
“I can’t imagine . . . so that’s why you understand what Jack is going through. And there’s me crying a river over a break-up when what you have to deal with is so much worse.”
“It’s all perspective – I’m sure whatever you’re going through is a pretty big deal for you.”
“I just wish I could find a way of moving on, you know? Because I know in my heart and soul that it was never going to work out between us. God, listen to me banging on! What is wrong with me?” She laughs.
Rachel always appeared uptight and aloof every time that he had met her but here he was getting a glimpse of a different Rachel, the Rachel that her friends and family saw presumably.
“Did you ever try lighting a paper lantern?”
“Huh?”
“You know, the Chinese paper lanterns that you see at weddings and things. Well, please don’t think I’m nuts – it was Leni who got me into them actually. Sometimes I light them with messages inside them for her. I tell her things from my day or I tell her how I’m feeling, how much I miss her. Or other times they’re just angry rants about how cheated by life and fate I feel.”
“So you think I should write a message to Marcus?”
“Well, not so much a message to him but a letter about how you’re feeling about it all – it really helps to straighten your head out when you put the words down on paper. You’d be amazed – it’s quite therapeutic.”
“I don’t think I’m really the writing kind – I’d feel a bit silly doing that –”
“Well, I didn’t think I was either but Leni used to
love lighting them and I found after she died it really helped me to reconnect with her. I don’t know how or why but maybe it was because I knew it was something that she would do, if you know what I mean?”
Rachel nods. “I get what you’re saying.”
“And now I find myself doing it automatically – whenever I’m missing her or if I have a bad day.”
“Well, maybe I’ll try it sometime . . . ”
“It doesn’t make the pain go away but it helps for some reason.”
“Okay, I’ll take your word for it,” she laughs.
“You think I’m for the birds, don’t you?”
“No, I don’t honestly,”
They stay talking for a while before Rachel says. “I’d better go – it’s been a long day.”
Into the Night Sky Page 31