Chapter 66
Conor is cutting some sellotape to gift-wrap a book for a customer when he sees the white van pull up on the path outside. He watches as the driver unloads more equipment and carries it into the shell of the unit next door. They have been working on it all week and a sign has gone up this morning to say that a new coffee shop will be opening there soon. It will be good for Haymarket Books to have a coffee shop beside it. There was an item on the news that morning where an economist reckoned the recession was over. Maybe things are finally on the up. He hopes so – it’s been a long time coming. He puts the book in a bag and then says goodbye to the customer.
The door opens shortly after and in walks Rachel.
“Rachel, nice to see you! Is everything okay with Jack? I was going to call over to see him later on.”
“He’s fine but I just wanted to let you know that he’s going to live with Libby tomorrow. We both felt it was time that he got into a routine and had some normality back in his life – well, as normal as things can get for a boy who has just lost his mother.”
Conor gulps. “I see, it’s for the best, I’m sure.”
“It is. I . . . eh . . . thought you might like to say goodbye to him before he goes?”
“Oh God – I don’t know, Rachel – I don’t think I could do that –”
“Really?”
“I’m sorry, I realise that sounds really selfish but I’m not good at goodbyes.” He hates himself for being so weak.
“Oh . . . I see . . . I thought it would be good for Jack . . . ”
“I’m sorry, Rachel, I can’t do it – I’m sorry – I just can’t.”
“He thinks a lot of you, y’know! Can’t you at least come and say goodbye to him and wish him well?”
“No, I’m sorry.” He is brusque.
“So that’s it, you’re going to let him go out of your life just like that?”
“It’s for the best.”
“But he’s always going to wonder why you didn’t come!”
“I said I can’t do it, all right?” His tone is sharp and final.
“Right . . . well, it’s up to you.” She looks disappointed in him.
“I’m sorry, Rachel, but it’s better this way.”
“Is it? For you or for Jack?” Then she turns and walks away from him.
Chapter 67
Dublin, 2012
The room is white. Leni looks like an angel. Her hair is the only thing that is different. He can see the part where they had to shave it in the theatre. She is fast asleep, her skin is pale, her full lips are not as pink as usual. The doctors have talked them all through it in hushed solemn tones – him, her parents and her brother. They have explained to them exactly what is going to happen. They all nodded to say that they understood. They gather around her bed where they are supposed to be saying goodbye to her and holding her hand for the last time before the organ-donor guys take what they need, scavenge her body to give life to another and the ventilator is turned off.
It is then that he realises that he can’t do it, he can’t do this. Beads of sweat break out across his forehead and neck. He stands up from the chair and rushes out the door. He can hear them calling after him but he keeps running down the corridor past trolleys and IV machines. Nurses and visitors clear out of his way and he keeps on running, down the granite hospital steps, weaving his way through the rush-hour traffic and away from goodbyes.
Chapter 68
“Sorry for dropping in unannounced,” Conor says.
“You don’t need an invitation to come to see me, you know that. Come in.”
“Where are the girls?”
“Dan has brought them to drama so myself and Maisie have the house to ourselves for an hour.”
After she has made him a coffee, they sit at the table.
“How are you doing?” he asks.
“Things are a lot better, a lot, lot better. Dan is being brilliant. You were right about telling him. I already feel like a huge weight has lifted just having it out in the open like that and, guess what, after the first shock he wasn’t horrified that his wife is a shoplifter or got too drunk at a party and ended up having to get an abortion – he was just really sad that I didn’t feel I was able to tell him all of this before now. I had my first psychotherapy session last week – God, I hate that word, it makes me sound like a lunatic.”
“How did it go?”
“It went well actually. I’ve been diagnosed with kleptomania. It’s is a type of impulse-control disorder where you can’t resist the temptation or drive to perform an act. It can be triggered by stress. I won’t lie, it was tough going back there and I’ve a long road ahead of me. It’s not going to be easy but I wish I had done it years ago. I felt so much lighter even after the first session. She also thinks I may have had undiagnosed post-natal depression after all three pregnancies which makes complete sense so I’ve been to my GP about that and I’ve started on some meds which seem to be helping. I’m not crying every day now. I think the weight of darkness is finally starting to lift. Even with the girls it’s like I can see them properly for the first time without guilt beating me up.”
“I’m so glad for you, Ella. I really am. I don’t know how you suffered for that long.”
“I also called into the store –”
“Really?”
“I had a chat with the manager. I wanted to say sorry in person.”
“How did it go?”
“Well, I apologised and I told him what had happened and why I did it. I told him that I’m getting help for it. He was very nice actually and then he said that as both items have been recovered that perhaps they could withdraw the charges, providing I make a donation to charity and on condition that I never engage in theft in their store again. He said that because of my public persona I’ve already suffered enough.”
“Oh my goodness, that’s brilliant news! I’m very proud of you. I’m so glad you’re finally getting the second chance that you deserve.”
She is beaming. “It’s such a relief, I can tell you. So how’s everything with you?”
“Jack’s mother died.”
“Oh no, I’m sorry. How is he?”
“He’s doing okay. He’s lucky his aunt is great and she’s going to take good care of him. He’s going to live with her tomorrow. Rachel – that’s the social worker – she wants me to go over there to say goodbye to him.”
“And you’re going to go, aren’t you?”
“I can’t – I feel awful but I can’t do it.”
“Conor!”
“I know I feel awful but I just can’t do it.”
“Is it because of Leni?”
He nods. “I never told you this but, when we were all called in to say goodbye to her, I ran. I ran out of the hospital. I couldn’t do it. I never said goodbye to her.”
“I never knew that, Conor.”
“Well, I’m not exactly proud of it! I’m going to miss Jack a lot. When I look at him, I can’t help thinking if Leni had had a boy that he might have been like Jack.”
“I know this is hard for you, Conor, but think of Jack. What is he going to think if you don’t show up to say goodbye to him? He’s going to think you don’t care at all for him!”
“He knows that’s not true.”
“Does he? He’s eight years old! You owe it to him to go over there and say goodbye to him. You were the one who told me it was time to face up to the past and to stop running away from my demons. Well, I think I could say the same thing to you.”
Chapter 69
The winter is over. It is an unusually warm April day as Conor walks down past the railings of St Dominic’s Terrace. He notices that a few children have bravely donned summer clothes. He stands outside Number 9, takes a deep breath and rings the bell,
“Conor, you came!” Rachel answers the door.
He nods. “I want to give him something before he goes.”
“He’s upstairs in his room, packing up the last of his
things, if you want to go up to him? Libby is sorting a few things out in the kitchen.”
He climbs the stairs and, from the landing through the open door to his bedroom, he sees Jack sitting on his bed staring off into space.
“That doesn’t look like packing to me!”
“Conor!” Jack runs to him and throws his arms around him and Conor knows he made the right decision to come.
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay, I’m a little bit nervous.”
“That’s normal. It’s going to be a big change at first but remember what we said about change?”
“You can’t have something good happen without first having some change?”
“Exactly! So you do listen to me!”
Jack grins up at him with his gappy smile, having recently lost his other front tooth. “Libby said I get to sleep in a bunk-bed!”
“Cool. I want to give you this.” He hands him a copy of Tom’s Midnight Garden. “It’s a first edition – that means it’s really old – it’s the first version of the book that ever came out, so you have to mind it, yeah? Put it in a safe place with all your football autographs.”
“I don’t want it.” He hands it back to Conor.
“But why? You love that book and you still have four more chapters to go!”
“But if you give me the book I won’t be able to come back and read in your shop.”
“Hey, it’s okay – of course you can come back to read in my shop. And maybe I can come and see you too sometimes if Libby says it’s okay.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
“Cross your heart and hope to die?”
“Cross my heart and hope to die.”
“Stick a needle in your eye?”
“Stick a needle in my eye.”
When Jack has finished packing, Conor helps him to carry his case down the stairs.
They walk out the front to where Libby is packing things into her boot. The sunlight glints on the paint on the car and hits Jack’s eyes in a thousand shiny particles. Libby smiles warmly as she turns towards Conor and Jack, and Rachel who is following behind them.
“Are you ready, little man?” Libby asks. “Your cousins are all waiting for you – they’re all so excited. I think they have lots of fun in store for you. I have bunk beds ordered and I thought you and Eoghan might share? You can take turns to sleep in the top one. The only thing is our dog Freddy likes to sleep in Eoghan’s room at night so I hope that will be okay with you?
Jacks face lights up. “Can he sleep on my bed?”
“Sure,” she says, laughing. “Now we were thinking of having a barbecue for our tea later because it’s so nice out and it’s not often we get the chance to have our tea outside in Ireland. You do like burgers, don’t you, Jack?”
He nods enthusiastically. “But I don’t like tomatoes,” he adds as a caveat.
“Sure haven’t I known you since you were a baby? Of course I know that.” She rubs his hair. “We’d better go – the boys are waiting for you to play football – they need you to even up the teams. They’re so excited because now they’ll be able to play two a side.”
He walks over towards the car before turning back around and running smack into Conor’s chest full force and throwing both arms around his waist.
Conor bends and puts his arms around the boy. He clings tightly to him and breathes in the smell of his clammy head. This boy who has become such a huge part of his life, who gave him a purpose when he thought he had nothing to live for – this boy who means the world to him. Conor can see the tears in his eyes. He grips him close. “God, I’m going to miss you.” He stands back and bends down on his hunkers. “I love you, Jack White – you know that, don’t you?”
Jack nods. “I love you too.”
“You’re going to be good for Libby, yeah?”
Jack nods. Conor swallows back a lump in his throat and stands up.
“Okay, you’d better go now. Libby is waiting for you.”
She walks over to him and Jack looks up at her, sadness filling his eyes. She bends down and whispers in his ear. “It’s all going to be okay, Jack, I promise you. I promised your mother that I would take good care of you and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. We’re going to be a team. I know I’ll never be able to replace your mam but I’m going to do my very best for you, okay, buddy?”
“Okay.”
He places his hand in hers and they walk towards the car. Jack climbs into the back seat, Libby into the front.
Rachel, who had been standing back, comes up beside him now. “Are you okay?”
He nods, not trusting himself to speak. He is working very hard at keeping back the tears.
They watch as Libby checks her mirrors carefully and then waves. They pull out and drive off down Haymarket Road.
“You did the right thing, you know, coming here today,” Rachel says, reaching out to squeeze his hand tightly. “I’m glad you came.”
And he finds himself squeezing hers back even tighter.
Chapter 70
They stand on the sand of Dollymount Strand. Smoothened pebbles stick out like jewels on the flattened sand. Waves break in a foamy arc at their feet before creeping up towards them. The clouds leave wispy trails across the sky like a stretched and pulled fleece.
“Am I holding it right?” Rachel asks him.
“Maybe turn it this way slightly.”
“Like this?”
He comes behind her and adjusts the position of her arms. He pulls back the match and cups his other hand around the flame to protect it from the wind before holding it up to the lighting strip of the lantern. They both watch it come to life.
“Will I let it go?”
He nods. They watch as its orange glow soars up, caught on the wind.
“For Jack.”
“For Jack.”
THE END
Acknowledgements
When I was writing this book and whenever anybody asked me what it was called, I referred to it as Into the Night Sky also known as ‘The Book That Nearly Killed Me’. I’m not being facetious; I really struggled at several points to finish it. There were many times where I felt it wasn’t going anywhere and I questioned whether I might be better off scrapping it and starting something new. That’s why to be at this stage, where I get to write my acknowledgements, is a bit like when you climb to the top of a mountain and are finally rewarded with the view.
In writing Into The Night Sky I am majorly indebted to so many people but special thanks must go to the following:
Firstly, to everyone in Poolbeg thank you. To Paula Campbell for your faith in me, especially in difficult times. I am really excited to be working with you, going forward in a new direction. Ailbhe, for all your hard work. To my editor Gaye Shortland for pushing me when you know I can do better. I really find your critical eye invaluable. You are always able to pinpoint the things that I know aren’t working but can’t quite figure out why. Your insight has definitely made this a better book.
My agent Sallyanne Sweeney for being warm and kind, and most importantly, for your encouragement. We’re only starting out but I’m looking forward to working with you on lots more books!
I am also hugely grateful to Niamh Maher who spent a lot of time helping me with the research for Rachel and Jack’s storylines in this book when, yet again, I felt as though I was banging my head up against a wall. Thank you for sharing with me some insight into the role of a social worker in this country. I hope I have done it justice. I don’t doubt there are errors within but I take full responsibility. I also want to take this opportunity to acknowledge, though often vilified by the media, the huge and great work that social workers do every day in the most challenging of situations.
A special mention also for Paul FitzSimons who put me in touch with Eva-Maria Oberauer who helped me with my rusty German and also for pointing out a few things that I had missed! Thank you so much!
For my little f
arfalles Lila, Tom & Bea: you three amaze me every day and I am blessed to have you as my children. I am really enjoying watching your individual personalities develop and the bond of friendship grow between the three of you. You give me and your daddy lots to smile about when you are tucked up in bed and I think I can speak for both of us when I say we couldn’t be any prouder of you.
To Simon, to whom this book is dedicated and who is also the co-creator of the aforementioned children. It definitely isn’t easy being married to a writer, or more specifically, me. Thank you for allowing me to dream big. I love you.
My wonderful parents for always going above and beyond for me when I was a child and for still doing it today. For just being there at the drop of a hat, for your understanding and always being ready to jump in my corner. I love you so much and more. You also do more than your fair share of baby-sitting to allow me to write. And also Niall and Nita, Tom and DeeDee, I know how fortunate I am to have a family like you. From the bottom of my heart I love and thank you.
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