Christmas With Her Ex

by Fiona McArthur

  Anna’s son lay with his head on the gentle swell of his mother’s breasts, facing Kelsie, so they could see the colour of his face and as he cried with gradually increasing indignation, suddenly pink-cheeked and vigorous.

  These were the moments Connor savoured. And judging by the soft look on Kelsie’s face, she did too.

  He wondered if she regretted not having had babies and then pushed the thought away. Pushed away the concept of a fifteen-year-old child they could have shared because the thought tore at somewhere deep within him.

  He returned to the job at hand as the final stage of birth was completed with no damage.

  He could hear Anna murmur in Italian, saw out of the corner of his vision the mother stroke the dark fuzz on the baby’s head, and then Kelsie tucked another warm towel over them both.

  She caught his eye. She’d always caught his eye. This time she held it and for a moment they connected with the satisfaction of a wonderful outcome.

  A special moment. Then she sent him a long relieved look and he was surprised because he hadn’t realised the depth of her anxiety, but she allowed it to escape now the crisis had passed. Suddenly he wanted to hold her in his arms and reassure her that everything was fine. That she was amazing. But he didn’t.

  It was one a.m. on Christmas Eve and a baby was born.

  Kelsie was the first to speak. ‘Congratulations, Anna. He’s beautiful.’

  ‘A boy?’ The new mother raised tearstained eyes and nodded as the knowledge sank in. ‘I cannot believe he is here.’

  Over the next sixty minutes tiny Josef had been nursed, dressed in a hand-towel nappy, and clothed in a signature bear outfit from the boutique, so amusingly he looked like Wolfgang in miniature, complete with little blue cap. A tiny naked brown teddy bear sat beside him.

  Now sated and wrapped in an Orient Express cashmere scarf donated by Max and settled with his mother after another feed, he was a contented baby.

  Wolfgang had recovered, apologised for his unprofessional fainting attack and hastened to offer refreshments, but Max had taken over his duties and sent him off to sleep.

  Anna was clean and warm, pleasantly drowsy and tucked into the narrow little bed with her baby. Already she’d spoken to her at first shocked then ecstatic boyfriend on Connor’s phone.

  A doting waitress had been allocated to sit with the new mother as she rested, until they arrived in Paris in the morning, where she and her baby would alight. Kelsie had promised to drop in before they disembarked.

  Connor had left instructions for them to wake him through the night if needed so all bases had been covered.

  They’d both washed in the tiny basin in Kelsie’s room and Connor took Kelsie gently by the arm and steered her back to the bar car, where Max had procured them a pot of tea.

  Max smiled and went on his way, ensuring all was back to normal on the Orient Express.

  Suddenly they were alone on the long settee in the bar car and Kelsie watched Connor flop back in the seat.

  She had to smile as he said with disgust, ‘Moments of unusual interest. Babies!’

  Kelsie put her head on his shoulder. ‘Such are the dear wee things. You were awesome.’

  ‘And you were incredible.’ He leant her way and stroked her cheek and she felt like drowsily turning her mouth to his hand and kissing his palm, but she wasn’t sure of her reception after the way they’d parted earlier. He might think she was jumping him again. Seemed she was still a coward.

  Instead she said, ‘So we have a mutual admiration society. Sounds good to me.’

  She closed her eyes for a moment as she nestled beside him on the long couch. Not a night she would forget in a hurry. Then she forced her eyes open and sipped the tea. ‘As good as this is, I think I’m too tired to drink it.’

  She heard him pick up his cup and then a long swallow. Felt him move his head, as if realising the time. Funny how little things like that made him seem more real. As if them meeting like this had a purpose. Another long draught of his tea and he put his white and blue cup down. ‘Then let’s get you to bed.’

  Ha. Kelsie pouted. ‘It didn’t work for me last time,’ she murmured.

  He smiled, put out his hand and pulled her into a standing position. ‘You can’t have everything you want.’

  ‘What did you say?’ she whispered as they crept along the darkened corridor.

  She didn’t think he would come in when she offered but he did. When her compartment door shut behind them she felt like giggling, but surely Anna and the waitress would hear her if she did.

  ‘I should just kiss you and go,’ Connor said very softly.

  ‘I can do that without noise,’ she whispered against his mouth, and she could feel his smile against his lips.

  CHAPTER NINE

  KISSING CONNOR WAS like diving into a hot whirlpool. Again.

  Despite both their efforts to cool their ardour, their kiss deepened into something more after the tension and stress of Josef’s arrival and the awareness already between them, until Kelsie surrendered to it… and to Connor.

  In fact, it deepened into something that the joining of their mouths couldn’t satisfy, and her hands began to seek, his followed and both their clothes became disarrayed, all silent flutters of their fingers but no less intense as the dramatic emotion of the night mixed with the unsatisfied emotion of the time before that.

  Now it culminated in a flurry of silent desperation as both of them were touched by the past and then lost in the present, in a small swaying cabin in the dark as the snow fell outside.

  Until Kelsie stood within the circle of his arms, her once tied dressing gown not designed for resistance, open to the waist as Connor feasted on the bounty within—and she had Connor’s shirt pushed aside, baring his chest, her eyes shut, head thrown back. Still with her eyes shut, grinding her teeth as his tongue circled her, while her hands slid across the inflexible muscles of his upper abdomen. Her fingers grazed the pebbled nubs of his nipples, travelled over his taut back and her body arched helplessly against the iron hardness of him and the onslaught of his mouth.

  Belts undone, underwear discarded and suddenly everything slowed again and the remaining clothes were lost.

  Time itself stopped as they gazed into each other’s eyes, and in the background, intermittently, the lights from railway crossings painted them red and then green—and then silver in the snow light while they held each other tight.

  Then he sank to sit on the bed, pulled her to kneel between his knees, spanned her waist with his long slender fingers, and inexorably pulled her closer.

  This was a Connor she hadn’t seen. Grey eyes dark and burning into hers, his hands and mouth sure and possessive, no hurry but no hesitation in steering them to the conclusion neither of them could now contemplate avoiding as she sank downwards.

  They both gasped as she lowered, teased, hovered until Connor’s hands tightened and she was brought inexorably onto him—all with the sway of the train—a slow and exultant joining, and together they scaled their own mountain as the train sped on through the night.

  Afterwards, Connor lay stunned by the storm that had erupted between them, overwhelmed by the connection with the woman he’d always loved. But where was his clarity and responsibility and plain good sense? That was the very core of his mantra to remain in control of his world. That litany had kept him sane from a time when everything had seemed lost at a very young age.

  Kelsie made him lose that essential part of his being. Nobody else did. Reason and logic went out the window when he was around her. Look at the fiasco it had been when he’d tried to marry her as a teenager.

  He should have been thankful one of them had had the good sense to back away if this tornado was what happened.

  And now, when he was far too old to behave like an impulsive, libido-driven teen, he had used no protection. Let alone that he was too well known across Europe to go creeping around train carriages at night for assignations with beautiful midwives.


  He couldn’t bear the thought of a newspaper story on Kelsie, and already there was a risk of one of the passengers noticing with the obvious rumours of a baby having been born.

  God, he was a fool. But first he needed to sort the contraception. All the while in the back of his head a voice was saying that none of those things mattered. He just wanted to lose himself again. And again. And what if he was lost in this and she wasn’t!

  Sandwiched together in Kelsie’s tiny bed, her head on his chest, Kelsie lay in stunned disbelief. She squeezed the strong fingers curled in hers and for the first time she understood why she had never been able to fall in love. Why there had never been any magic with other men.

  Connor.

  The deep, protected core of her heart had always belonged to the boy she remembered and now this gorgeous, sexy, fabulous man.

  She snuggled in further, felt the glow that surrounded them both, and knew she would never be the same.

  She was a different person from the woman who had stepped in such a carefree way onto this train from the canals of Venice.

  The problem now was that she felt the fragility of finding something so special. That awareness of the rise and fall of the precious chest beneath her cheek and even the flutter of fear should the day come when it would disappear. How crazy was that?

  It was as if a huge beacon of light had finally been switched on and she danced like a wraith in the glow. She’d given up long ago thinking that she would feel this way—had, in fact, felt quite proud she was immune to being dependent on a man for happiness.

  Now she just wanted to lose herself in his eyes again, see the man she could finally admit could be the one to spend her life with, but it was too hard with her nose buried in his chest.

  Her brain began to function again and with it came fear. Would she lose this, too?

  They didn’t have long but they had some time when they arrived in London. Not much chance of a future with them on opposite sides of the world but that was for later.

  No hurry, the rational part of herself reminded her, they wouldn’t arrive until late in the afternoon. She should just savour this moment for as long as she could. Maybe even till dawn. Or was she just imagining he felt the same?

  Fear gnawed away at her. She needed to know Connor’s thoughts and turned her head but couldn’t see his face from this angle. He was strangely silent, though he held her in their tiny cocoon.

  Finally she had to probe. Quietly. ‘Are you okay?’

  His hand tightened. She heard the smile in his voice when he answered. ‘I’m supposed to ask you that.’

  She stretched her toes and rubbed his ankle under the sheets. ‘I’m feeling wonderful.’

  ‘I’m glad. But we have to talk.’

  She snuggled in. About… ? And waited with anticipation. Christmas in London? They’d already discussed the past. Was it time to talk about the future?

  ‘The train stops for almost an hour in Paris. I’ll get off and find an all-night chemist. They’ll have a morning-after pill. I can’t believe I didn’t use protection. I’m sorry. It’s inexcusable.’

  What? She blinked and her head lifted a few milli-metres off his chest.

  That’s what he was thinking? What? Poor little Kelsie needed safeguarding from the big bad man without protection? Or maybe he was worried that she’d trap him! As in the opposite to dropping him fifteen years ago? Did he think she cruised through life unprepared?

  Not what she’d expected to hear. Maybe because she’d known she was covered pregnancy-wise but he hadn’t even asked that.

  Apparently she was still too silly not to have thought of contraception.

  I’m on the Pill, she shrilled at him silently. And as for the other concerns she didn’t think that, no matter how much he’d changed, Connor was the kind of man to give a sleeping partner a notifiable disease. Well, neither was she.

  It was disquieting the way his mind worked, though. Did he trust her so little? Was he that worried about unwanted complications? Was that finally the price she would pay for her actions in the past?

  Did he think she would escape in London and not follow through? Did he want to ensure all was settled before they parted?

  Her bubble of euphoria deflated and disappeared like suds down a porcelain bowl onto railway tracks and she sat up. Slid from the bed and picked up her robe.

  ‘You okay?’ he asked.

  Umm. No. But she didn’t say anything. Slipped the robe on and belted it before she turned to face him. Saw the closed look on his face and tried to keep her own expression blank as she wondered how she could escape so she could figure this out by herself.

  She poked her feet into her slippers and unlatched the door. ‘Excuse me.’ Smiled in his general direction and fled.

  Connor jammed his fingers through his hair.

  He’d truly lost it. Their lovemaking had been torrid. The last thing he wanted was Kelsie finding out in a month she was pregnant and he’d ruined her life. Especially if this was only a one-night stand for her.

  He pushed away the stupid idea that he could live with the incredible idea of Kelsie having his child.

  A child? Imagine if she left him then!

  He shuddered. He wasn’t doing wives and children and family who could leave at any time. He needed to put his trust in his work. It was his job to make sure other people had families.

  He slid from the bed and began to dress before she came back, though he doubted even his grandmother would rouse the train to look for him—though she hadn’t worried about shocking him when she’d sent Max in to talk to him.

  He hadn’t even had time to digest that startling turn of events in the last crazy few hours. But he had his own dilemmas now.

  Kelsie still wasn’t back as he shrugged into his jacket, the better to hide his crumpled shirt he’d rescued from the floor—he couldn’t believe he hadn’t hung it up!—and he straightened his tie and checked his phone.

  Looked again. ‘Please call urgently.’ Damn. The Wilsons. Another baby in danger. He highlighted the number and opened Kelsie’s door but she wasn’t in the corridor.

  He couldn’t phone here, with people sleeping in every cabin, and he moved swiftly in the opposite direction until finally he reached the dimly lit bar car and could phone without fear of disturbing others.

  He listened to a tearful Connie beg him to call and reassured himself that of all people Kelsie would understand when a mother needed him. Ignored the thought that flitted through his mind that he couldn’t wait to get back to a situation in which he had some rules to follow. Because he was damned if knew what the rules were with Kelsie. He dialed the Wilsons’ number.

  When Kelsie came back from the bathroom he’d gone. She’d thought he might have.

  Her shoulders drooped and she shut the door and locked it. Hadn’t she been the biggest goose. All soft and squishy over the old boyfriend and he had just been there for the night. Thank goodness she hadn’t said anything to reveal her feelings. But inside she was shrivelling.

  Mourning the silly dream she’d indulged in when he’d never said anything about tomorrow. Thanked her stars it wasn’t a ten-night train journey or it could have been really embarrassing.

  But it was a one-night journey. Breakfast would be served in the cabin in four or five hours. She wouldn’t even see him. Then would be the pause in Paris, when she’d say goodbye to Anna and Josef, and hopefully meet the new father and make sure all was fine.

  Then no doubt she’d see Connor at that point, because he’d drop in her little parcel containing the morning-after pill.

  She narrowed her eyes at that. Toyed with idea of saying, ‘No need, I’m covered,’ but decided against it. Let him tramp about Paris at six a.m. and find a pharmacy because she wasn’t feeling charitable about that one.

  She climbed back into bed and pulled the second pillow over her head so she could hide. Didn’t hear the quiet knock as it came at her door. Or hear Connor walk away.

  Oblivious, Ke
lsie was sternly analysing recent events. Did she regret that she’d seen and lost Connor again?

  No, she couldn’t. She’d had the chance to say her piece. Explain a little and apologise for the past. Something she’d wanted to do for a long time.

  Did she regret meeting his grandmother—the actual woman who had inspired her dream of travelling on the Orient Express? No way!

  Was she unhappy she’d opened herself to Connor more than she had to any man? It had been special! She wasn’t believing anything else. So how could she regret that?

  No regret in learning what amazing sex was, finally, despite the mortifying ending. No. And it wasn’t so humiliating when only she had known how much it had affected her.

  Stern talking to completed, she shifted the pillow from her head and hugged it. Tried not to notice the faint scent of his cologne, breathed slowly in and out until her body reminded her it was very tired, but she couldn’t sleep. Eventually the clack of the rails lulled her and the next thing she knew it was dawn.

  Or a slow increase of dawn. In the dim light as she peered through heavy eyes the window began to expose the houses, see the waking city on the outskirts of Paris, the flash of a waterway between houses and a tiny curved bridge reminiscent of Venice twenty hours ago.

  With the dawn they rattled closer and closer to Paris and Kelsie washed her face, dressed and unsnapped her privacy catch as the train slowed for the pause on the outskirts before they rolled into the station. What would she give for a hot cup of tea?

  There was a knock at the door and, magically, Wolfgang was there, looking sheepish, holding her dream tray with steaming water and an array of teabags.

  ‘I was told you wanted to see the young lady and her baby off the train.’ His cheeks reddened. ‘I wish also to apologise for my odd behaviour. I do appreciate all your help last night.’

  ‘Wolfgang. You darling. You were fine. And thank you for this.’ She took the tray and then hesitated, hadn’t been going to ask but couldn’t help herself. ‘Is Dr Black going to see Anna off as well?’