Life, Love, and a Polar Bear Tattoo

by Heather Wardell

  :)

  C

  Friday, August 19th

  His arms were locked around me, and mine around him. I could barely breathe, so full of shock and lust I couldn't think. All I knew was I never wanted him to let go.

  The day had started out normal enough; I'd gone to work and slaved over a hot computer for hours. Kegan had been off meeting with his lawyers and accountant all day, so I hadn't left the office once, and my coworkers hadn't gone anywhere either. As five o'clock neared, we were all ready to break free and have some fun.

  While Lou and Richard were in a meeting together, Allyson called us all over and said, "You know what? We should go out dancing tonight. Want to?"

  We looked at each other; it had never been that sort of office. The spa trip Meredith had organized had been enough of a stretch for us.

  "Sure, why not?" Karen finally said, and in the end five of us agreed to go.

  We scattered to our respective houses for a quick clothing change and general tarting up, and then met up at Setherwood for dinner, going on to Light afterwards for an evening of drinking, dancing, gossip and men-watching.

  Everyone but Allyson was married, and she had a boyfriend, but it didn't matter. As Meredith pointed out, "It's fine to look at the items up for auction, as long as you don't place any bids." And we looked. Oh, how we looked. And rated.

  We rated the men as they danced or chatted or waited at the bar for the desperately overworked bartenders to make them a desperately complicated drink. Bonus points for a not-too-girly drink, points taken away for strange clothes, or odd facial hair (what made men think it was a good idea to sculpt their faces like some sort of topiary?), or bad dance moves.

  We laughed, and drank, and danced, and drank some more, and went to the bathroom in a giggling pack, and just generally had a wonderful night. Our hilarity was obviously infectious, because each of us got asked to dance at least twice. We turned them all down, though. We were having a lovely girls-only night.

  Until Kegan found me.

  I'd thought I'd seen him earlier that night, standing just off the dance floor watching me, but when I'd looked back there'd been nobody there and I'd decided it hadn't really been him.

  Karen and Laurel went off to the bathroom together to keep each other entertained while waiting in the long line. Meredith ran into an old friend who dragged her off to meet her new boyfriend, and Allyson went to the bar, after making sure I was okay, to line up for another drink.

  I was alone. But only for a minute.

  When I heard the voice in my ear, low and terrifyingly sexy, my body reacted even before I knew it was him, heat spilling through me. "Dance with me."

  I turned to see him holding out his hand to me. I faced him, his words and their tone still rippling through my mind, our eyes locked, and I knew he'd come to the club for me.

  Staring into his eyes, I felt a delicious surge of knowing he wanted me. He didn't have to want me. We weren't married. But he did. He was choosing to want me. And that was what finally pushed me over the edge.

  I stepped toward him and he guided me past the other dancers, hand in the small of my back against my tattoo, as the heavy beat of "November Rain" rivaled the pounding of my heart. When he took his hand away, I stopped, and he turned me to face him then drew me close, sliding his arms around my waist. I rested mine on his shoulders, and he held me tightly but delicately, as if afraid I would shatter.

  We stood, barely moving, on the dance floor, the dimmed lights heightening my other senses. The pulse of the music, the heat of his body, the feel of his hands on my back, the subtly sexy richness of his cologne... I was smothered in sensation. Sensation and the knowledge that I was on the brink. I had to leave.

  It took all the strength I possessed to pull away a few inches. Before I could try to go further, Kegan's hand stroked with gentle but commanding pressure up my back and he tangled his fingers in my hair.

  "Stay," he murmured. His breath against my skin sent desire crashing through me and I bit my lip against it.

  He looked into my eyes, and whatever he saw there made him turn me away from him. I didn't understand, until he said into my ear, "If you want to go, go." When he added, "I only want you if you're sure you want me," the words "I want you" seemed to dance through my body, setting me ablaze.

  I stood, eyes closed, with his hands caressing my shoulders, fighting with myself. If I turned around to face Kegan, I'd be lost. If I left right now, everything would be fine. My life, my marriage, just as they had been. I knew what I had to do, but I couldn't make myself step away.

  But I didn't want my life to be just as it had been. I needed things to change. It had been so long since I'd felt like this, and knowing he felt it too... I had to have more.

  I turned around.

  The heat and passion in his eyes undid me. He touched my cheek with his finger, gently stroking it, and I let out the breath I didn't know I'd been holding in a rush that was nearly a moan. Then the finger moved to the corner of my lips, and I did moan.

  I felt like we were the only ones in the room, like the entire world had ceased to exist around us. As his finger moved on, my mouth opened, almost involuntarily. He slipped just inside, and my eyes closed as I touched the tip of his finger with my tongue, tracing tiny circles over his skin.

  When I heard him groan, my eyes snapped back open. He dropped his hand to his side and I felt bereft until his arms went back around my waist and he pulled me strongly against him. No delicacy this time, just desire.

  He stared down into my eyes, his lips agonizingly close to mine, and didn't move. I stared up at him, my mind whirling. His eyes were dark and hungry, his hands tightened on my back, but still he did nothing. What was he waiting for?

  With our bodies pressed together, the tension between us grew to the point I couldn't bear it, and I stretched upward, seeking his mouth. As soon as I moved, he did too.

  When he kissed me, I felt like a candle bursting into flame.

  He kissed me for what seemed like hours but could only have been a few minutes, slow and sweet at first then harder and more demanding. I matched him throughout, swept by so many feelings and emotions I could barely stand up. I couldn't think, didn't want to think. All I could do was feel.

  I had to stop him. But I just couldn't bring myself to pull away. It was like his kiss was the only thing keeping me alive.

  One kiss, that's it, I promised myself fiercely. As soon as the kiss was over, I'd find a way to get away.

  Somehow.

  Kegan pulled me even closer, pressing my hips into his. An electric shock ran down my spine, and I found myself grinding against him. He growled, somewhere deep in his throat, and deepened the kiss still more, and the shock came again, even stronger. I couldn't get out of this, couldn't get away.

  Because I didn't want to.

  That was the shameful truth. I didn't want to stop. I loved my husband, and I was kissing another man and couldn't stop. I'd loved Kegan once, and Ian was so far away, and Kegan wanted me, and I couldn't let go.

  It's just kissing, I told myself, trying desperately to be rational as I drowned in him. Kissing isn't so bad, I won't even have to tell Ian, it's just a silly little thing that happened because I'm drunk. I'll just kiss him a bit and that'll be the end of it.

  I almost believed myself too.

  Until Kegan pulled himself sharply back from me, grabbed my hand, and half-led-half-dragged me off the dance floor. Past a stunned Allyson before she could react, past a crowd of rather disappointed-looking guys ("Damn, show's over" drifted back to me as we went) and then out the door.

  A line of taxis waited to take the drunks home after the club closed, and we were in the first one, with the door closed and the driver told where to take us, before I knew what was happening.

  Then that gorgeous mouth came down on mine again, and I couldn't think of anything but kissing. Kegan. Kissing Kegan. Fireworks were exploding everywhere in my body and mind.

  The taxi stop
ped with a jerk. Kegan threw money to the driver, who looked both disgusted and turned on, as I scrambled out of the car. We raced up the walkway of the tallest condominium I'd ever seen, the building all sharp angles and silvered glass. Kegan slapped a small card against a sensor and the front door swung silently open.

  The lobby, serene and elegant, and its waiting concierge made us slow our pace a bit, but when we finally reached the elevator Kegan hit the button for the thirtieth floor and pulled me to him again as the door slid closed.

  By the time the door opened, my body was aching for him and my mind was numb. I'd never felt like this before, not even when Kegan and I had been dating the first time, and the only thought on my mind was, "More."

  We fell into his apartment, and he kicked the door shut and pressed me hard against it, hands strong on my shoulders. His mouth on mine, though, was sweet, almost tentative, dancing and exploring, and the contrast flooded me with heat again.

  I'd wrapped my arms around his waist, but slowly withdrew them, smoothing my hands over his back and sides. He shifted away from me just enough to let my hands in between us, and I ran my fingers over his stomach through his t-shirt until I couldn't stand the barrier any longer and slipped them under the fabric.

  My palms flat against his warm skin, I slid my hands over him as he played with my mouth, the feel of his muscles tightening at my touch gloriously familiar. He nipped my lower lip, and I paused, losing myself in his kiss again, forgetting what I was doing, until he groaned and murmured, "Don't stop," against my lips. As another bolt of electricity tore through me, I drew just the pads of my fingers over his skin, again and again, tracing him, relearning every inch of his chest and stomach.

  Then Kegan backed away, pulling me along with him, kissing me every step of the way. I slid my arms around his waist for balance, holding on tight. The floor beneath my feet felt like hardwood, but then it changed to a plush carpet. I opened my eyes.

  It was the sight of his bed that did it. A tiny voice started screaming in the stunned silence of my mind. You're going to end up sleeping with him if you don't leave. Sleeping with him.

  Sleeping with Kegan.

  Those three words managed to get my attention where nothing else had. I could not let this happen. I forced myself to put my hands on Kegan's chest and push him away. He didn't release me at first, so I pushed with all my strength. He stepped back then, and we stared at each other.

  It hurt not to have him touching me, kissing me. Every part of my body shrieked in protest, and I almost threw myself back into his arms, but that little voice was in control and I didn't.

  He looked as dazed as I felt as he took another step backward, still staring at me, then turned and sat down on the end of the bed. He put a hand over his eyes and rubbed his temples.

  As the desire began to subside, I realized what I had let happen, and how close we had been, and my stomach twisted. I wrapped my arms around myself, looking for comfort, but I couldn't find any. Didn't deserve any.

  Neither of us spoke for several long moments. When he finally raised his head and looked at me, the strength drained from my body at his expression, a mix of anger and hatred. I wobbled, catching hold of the open door for support.

  "God," he said, disgust in his voice. "God, I'm so sorry."

  It took a second for the words to sink in. By the time they did, he'd gone on.

  "What the hell was I doing? That's not how I wanted it to go. You must hate me."

  The last of my strength flickered and disappeared, and I lowered myself to sit on the carpet before I collapsed. "Hate you?"

  "For what I did." He shook his head. "Forcing myself on you like that."

  I stared at him for a long moment before finally finding words. "You didn't force me." I swallowed hard. "I wanted to."

  "Well, eventually, yeah, I guess you did," he said, a tiny smile flashing across his face before the serious expression returned. "But at the beginning. You didn't want that. I took advantage of you."

  For a split second, I longed to believe his side of the story. It made me look much better. Not an equal partner, but someone who'd been dragged unwilling into it.

  The only problem was, it wasn't remotely how it had happened.

  I studied the carpet, unable to look at him. "You didn't force me, even at the beginning. I never should have done it, but I did. You didn't make me."

  "Are you sure?"

  Tears rose at the hope in his voice. I nodded, unable to speak. Something about what he'd said earlier began nagging at me. I replayed his words in my mind and realized what it was.

  "What did you mean, 'that wasn't how it was supposed to go'?"

  He looked at me, and seemed to notice for the first time that I was sitting on the floor. "Would you rather sit up here?"

  I shook my head. I wasn't going anywhere near his bed. "I'm fine. Answer the question."

  He sighed. "It's not going to be a quick answer. Do you want to sit in the living room or something?"

  I didn't, but we did need to talk, and anywhere would be better than his bedroom. I pushed myself to my feet, waiting to make sure I wouldn't fall, then walked out. Following, he indicated the living room. "I'll make coffee. Have a seat."

  Four small armchairs were clustered in a group near the floor-to-ceiling windows. I sat down in the nearest, and my eyes were caught, and held, by the view. Lake Ontario filled the windows, dark and secret, with moonlight dancing on its waves. I felt small and utterly insignificant as I gazed at it. The lake had been there long before we'd been there, and it would probably still be there after all the buildings had fallen apart. It didn't care what a mess I'd made.

  After a few minutes, Kegan set a mug down on the table beside my chair and settled himself in the chair across from mine. I picked up my mug and wrapped my fingers around it. The warmth spread up my hands and arms, but didn't go nearly far enough to soothe my heart.

  He sighed. "You wanted to know what I thought was going to happen."

  I nodded.

  "Tell me first, what do you think's been happening with us?"

  I licked my lips. "We're getting to be friends again."

  "Just friends?"

  "That's all we can be."

  "Is it all you want?"

  His eyes were intent on my face. I thought about all the feelings of the last few weeks, Kegan's support and kindness, and the hunger I'd felt that night in his arms, and I thought about Ian and all that we'd been through in our short marriage and how good, and how bad, he'd been to me. I looked into Kegan's eyes and told him the truth. "I don't know what I want."

  "I came there tonight to tell you I want you back."

  His words seemed almost visible, hanging in the air between us. I heard them over and over again in the moments I sat, stunned, staring at him.

  When I didn't say anything, he said, "I think it started the day you got that phone call from your doctor. You were crying, and I was holding you, and I just felt like I had to protect you. I hated that you were sad. Wonderland was so good, and it reminded me of how great we were together. And since then..." He shrugged. "Since then, you're all I can think about."

  "I'm married," I said, hardly able to get the words out.

  "I know," he said, "and it's killing me. Candy, do you really love him?"

  "I do," I said, because I did.

  Pain flickered over his face, and an echoing pain ripped through me. I knew, deep down inside, that I was far too close to falling in love with him again. "I have to go," I said, struggling to my feet. "I can't be here any more."

  "I'll drive you home," he said.

  "No. Just let me go."

  "Candy, please. We have to talk."

  "Why?" I turned on him in a fury. "What good will it do? You say you want me back, and I can't do it no matter what I want, and I'm a cheater and I made vows to Ian and you hurt me before and I'm scared of you and I have to go!"

  My voice rose to a shriek on the last words and we stared at each other for a seco
nd before my rage turned to sorrow and I began to cry.

  He tried to put his arms around me, but I jerked away. I wanted the comfort of his embrace so badly, but I was terrified of where it would lead. He stood in front of me as the tears poured down my face, then murmured my name and held his arms out to me again.

  I shook my head, then moved into his arms. He held me tight as the sobs shook me, and I clung to him as if the world were ending around us.

  When at last the storm subsided, I stepped back away from him. "What are we going to do?" I said, my voice raw.

  He shook his head. "I don't know."

  My shaking legs managed to get me past him and back to the armchair. "We have to figure it out. I can't live like this."

  He returned to his chair as I said, "After your restaurant is done, I guess we just won't see each other again." I ignored the spasm of grief that shook me at the thought. Realizing I was shivering, I wrapped my arms around myself. "So we just have to figure out how to handle it until that happens."

  Kegan got up and walked away, returning with a throw blanket. He covered me with it, then sat down again, in the chair beside me this time. "Candy, I don't want to stop seeing you."

  "You have to."

  "No, we don't have to."

  I stared at him. "I'm with Ian."

  "You could be with me."

  "I was with you, remember? You broke my heart. Why would I do that again?"

  He smoothed a strand of hair from my cheek, his touch, even now, sending shivers through me. "Because I was ten years younger and too blind to see what I had, too stupid to appreciate you. Because we were so good together until I ruined it, and I think we'd be even better now. Because..."

  Our eyes met, and I saw what he was going to say. I shook my head, trying to ward him off, but he said it anyhow. "Because I'm falling in love with you again."

  "No, you're not."

  He protested, but I went on over him. "You're not! You just want to make yourself feel better for what you did before. You don't care about me."

  "Look me in the eye and say that."

  I swallowed hard, but did as he said. "You don't... you don't... oh..."