Behind the Robe

by Barbara Sattler

  She calls Carlos, hopes he won’t be upset.

  “It’s fine. Why don’t I meet you there? I’ll bring dinner from Micha’s. Text me what your folks want.” Micha’s is her dad’s favorite. Lourdes is surprised Carlos remembered that and cares enough to bring food. Her dad had never totally warmed up to Carlos. “You can do better,” was his constant refrain when they began dating. He’d think that about anyone she dated. He thawed a little when Carlos enlisted.

  His eyes light up when she tells him Carlos’ idea.

  Lourdes gives up arguing and talks about her job, her new friend, Bev, and Molly’s dog.

  Carlos arrives with enough food for a week— tacos, tamales, Spanish rice, beans, guacamole, quesadillas and sopapillas. Her dad digs in. Her mom had complained about her dad’s appetite, but he was eating everything Norma put in front of him.

  “Tell me about your new job,” her father says to Carlos taking a short respite from eating.

  “I’m in the security division. I have responsibility for guarding different areas of the plant. Sometimes I’m at the gate making sure no one brings in weapons or takes out classified documents.”

  “Why would employees take out classified stuff?”

  “Sometimes just to work at home; other times maybe because they’re selling material to a foreign government.” Lourdes hasn’t heard him mention classified documents before.

  “Is it dangerous?” her mom asks.

  Carlos hesitates. “Not really . . .”

  “Why do you carry a gun?” Lourdes interrupts.

  “Part of the protocol. I have no choice.”

  Lourdes lets it go. She doesn’t want to have this discussion in front of her parents. They have other things to worry about. Carlos and her dad continue to talk about his job. Lourdes still doesn’t get why Carlos likes it so much. Maybe he’s just happy to have a job.

  “Lourdes, would you mind getting me some coffee? How about you, Frank?” He nods his head. “Norma, why don’t you go with her. Do you good to get out of here. Take a walk.” Lourdes realizes Carlos wants to be alone with her dad. For a moment she thinks Carlos is going to tell her dad about the ‘surprise,’ but realizes that’s unlikely.

  Lourdes and her mom go down to the main cafeteria. She finds a booth for her mom. She buys a decaf coffee for herself, a regular for Carlos and Frank, and decaf Lipton tea for her mom. For once her mom doesn’t complain about the cost of a tea bag and hot water, so she doesn’t complain about her mother’s choice of tea. Who drinks Lipton when they have a choice?

  When they return to the room, her dad announces he has changed his mind and will finish rehab.

  “How’d you do that?” Lourdes asks Carlos after they leave the hospital.

  “I explained to your dad how hard it would be on your mom if he came home now.”

  “I said that and it didn’t work.”

  “I guess I know how to talk to him man to man.”

  “Well, whatever you said, I’m grateful.”

  “How grateful?” Carlos asks as he pulls Lourdes toward him and kisses her.

  “Pay attention to the road. Wait till we get home,” she says as she moves away. Lourdes never liked being sexual outside of their bedroom or a hotel. She knows Carlos thinks she’s doesn’t want him, but that’s not true. She just doesn’t want him here. Carlos, like all the men she knew (okay so it was a small number, but her friends talk), didn’t care where they had sex. She never liked fumbling in the car or trying to get it on in the bathroom at a party.

  Molly used to talk about the thrill of illicit sex. How much she enjoyed knowing people were only a few inches away. Going to a party without her underpants or bra. Lourdes never went anywhere without a bra even though her breasts were small. And not to wear underpants? She’d worry the whole time she’d be in an accident and wind up in a hospital pantyless. No, Lourdes was excited by being in her own home and in her own bed with her husband. Maybe some of that Catholic doctrine had wormed its way in.

  She grabs his hand and squeezes. “We’ll be home in just a couple minutes.”

  As soon as they get in the door, Carlos puts his arm around her and leads her to the bedroom. “Te quiero mucho.”

  “Me too,” Lourdes replies as Carlos begins taking off his clothes.

  “Wait, let me,” he says as Lourdes begins unbuttoning her blouse. He slowly begins undressing her and kissing her body. Lourdes moans, unbuttons her skirt and they fall onto the bed. They know each other’s bodies well and each knows how to satisfy the other.

  When they finish, Lourdes gets up to go to the bathroom. She can’t sleep without brushing her teeth, taking off her make-up, and putting on one of the all-cotton t-shirts she likes to sleep in. Carlos is asleep by the time she returns.

  Lourdes planned to set the alarm, but falls asleep. Somehow she wakes up in time to meet Molly. Carlos is still in bed when she leaves. She hopes she doesn’t have the shit-eating after-sex grin. Molly isn’t that observant, unless it has to do with sex. When she gets to Raging Sage, Molly is munching on a bagel with cream cheese and drinking what she assumes is a latte. Toby is chewing on a bone, but when she sees Lourdes runs as far as her leash will allow. Lourdes pats her on the head, “Good girl, good girl.”

  “Sorry, Lourdes, I was starving and couldn’t wait for you to get here.”

  “No worries.” Lourdes goes to the counter and orders. She returns with a vanilla latte and coffee cake. Molly looks good, but seems jittery. Can’t stay on point.

  “Something bothering you, Molly?”

  “No, everything’s good. Why?”

  “You seem nervous.”

  “I’m not nervous, but I do have something to tell you.”

  “Go for it.”

  “I met someone.”

  “Who is it?”

  “No one you know. Not a lawyer. His name is Jared.”

  “Where’d you meet him?”

  “Does it matter?” Lourdes knows it does. She hopes it’s not online. Molly had tried that before and it didn’t work out well. A disaster was more like it.

  “Not online,” Molly says as if she can read Lourdes’ mind.

  “Tell me where then. Why is it a big deal?”

  “Okay, he’s a regular at one of my meetings. Please don’t tell anyone. It’s kind of frowned on for two people in recovery to date.”

  Lourdes wants to know how long he’s been clean, if he has a job, and if he’s had legal trouble over drinking, but doesn’t want to sound like Molly’s mother.

  “Tell me about him,” Lourdes says without much enthusiasm.

  “He’s gorgeous.”

  “And?”

  “Very considerate, he’s a documentary film maker, very smart.”

  “I’d like to meet him.”

  “Of course. How are things going with Carlos?”

  “Good.”

  “Really?” Molly gives her a quizzical look.

  “My dad was threatening to leave rehab. Mom and I tried to change his mind and couldn’t. I called Carlos. He brought food from Micha’s. After dinner, he talked to him and somehow got him to change his mind and stay.”

  “What did he say?”

  “I don’t know. He had Mom and I get coffee and talked to him alone.”

  “Why you do think Carlos has changed?”

  “Partially his job. He likes it and feels better about himself.”

  “Raytheon, right? I forgot what he does.”

  “Security guard. He loves it.”

  “Good for him.”

  Lourdes says nothing. She considers confiding in Molly about the ‘surprise,’ but decides to wait and find out what it is. “I’m still upset that he keeps a gun in the house.”

  “Didn’t he have a gun in the military?”

  “Yes, but that seemed diff
erent. He was defending our country. You have to have weapons when you’re in the military.”

  “Sounds like he has to have it for his job.”

  “He does. Maybe it’s no different.”

  “If it bothers you, why don’t you tell him?”

  “I’ve mentioned it before. He thinks it’s important to have a gun at home for self-defense. I’d never use it. I don’t want to ruffle his feathers. I’ve been thinking maybe he could get a gun safe. I’d feel better.”

  “If things are as good between you as you say, ask him. What kind of relationship is it when you’re afraid to tell him how you feel?”

  That night Lourdes cooks one of Carlos’ favorite dinners. Sour cream enchiladas, rice, and frijoles. She makes an effort not to talk about work and Carlos does the same. As she’s about to clean up, Carlos says, “I bought you a present.” He reaches in his pocket and hands her a small package wrapped in silver paper—jewelry. She opens the box trying not to ruin the wrapping paper. Inside is a pair of gold earrings. Each has dangling strands with tiny purple stones she thinks are amethysts.

  “They’re beautiful, Carlos. You know I love purple. Is there a reason?”

  “No, I realize I don’t appreciate you enough, that’s all.”

  “That’s sweet.” Or is it a bribe to make me forget what he did? Stop it, Lourdes. He apologized. He’s acted remorseful. She puts them on. Then she hugs him.

  “I’d do anything for you.” He begins kissing her. Lourdes wonders if this would be a good moment to ask a favor.

  “Carlos, there is something you could do for me.”

  He looks her in the eye. “Make you pregnant?”

  “Not yet.”

  “What then?”

  “Maybe this isn’t the right time,” Lourdes says.

  “Come on honey, tell me.”

  Lourdes pours herself another cup of coffee. She never should have said anything, but she’s stuck now.

  “You think I’m going to get angry?” Carlos asks.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Just tell me.”

  “You know I feel about guns.”

  “I know you blame guns for your Tio Andres’ suicide.”

  “Wouldn’t you?”

  “No, that’s not logical, Lourdes. If he couldn’t get a gun, he’s have used pills or hung himself.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “People who want to die find a way. Don’t you remember that teenager who was shot by the police and became a quadriplegic? He shot himself in the head and lived. An agency spent tons of money to fix his face although he kept saying he wanted to die. He tried again and the second time it worked. Guns make suicide easy. You wake up depressed and bang. No planning. If you have to plan you might change your mind.”

  “My job . . .”

  “Carlos, I know that. I wonder if you could put it in a gun safe when you’re home.”

  Carlos has his arms folded. He looks at her and doesn’t say anything.

  “Listen, Carlos. I worry. Not about you, but what if my nieces or nephews or Molly’s nephew,” shit she shouldn’t have mentioned Molly’s nephew. “What if they’re here? I’m afraid they might get hurt.”

  “I put the gun away when I come home. It’s not like I leave it on the dining room table.”

  “I know, but it would make me feel safer. The kids could find it in the bedroom.”

  “What’s the point of having a gun if it’s not available when you need it? What if someone tries to break in? By the time I open the safe, it’ll be too late.”

  Lourdes doesn’t know what to say. If she’s alone, she’d never use it. “Carlos, if someone breaks in you can handle it without a gun. You’re strong and tough. I know you can protect me.”

  Carlos shakes his head. “Okay, I’ll think about it.”

  The rest of the weekend goes by without any hassles. No emergency calls from her mom. No threats to quit rehab from her dad. No fights with Carlos. No warrant calls in the middle of the night.

  Sunday afternoon—after some heavy persuasion—she relieves her mom at rehab. Has to promise she won’t leave her dad alone. Makes her mom promise she’ll stay away at least three hours. She and her dad have a good visit. He talks positively about his future for the first time since his stroke. Even says something nice about Carlos. “Tell Carlos thanks for bringing me some decent food.”

  On Monday morning Carlos cooks her bacon and eggs. Not her thing. Shouldn’t he know she eats Eggo waffles for breakfast? She knows what he likes. Shouldn’t she be grateful that he tried? They leave for work together. She wears her new earrings.

  FOURTEEN

  For the first time, the parking lot guard waves her in without her having to show her ID. She’s getting used to parking in the judges’ lot, using the judges’ elevator. Two of the judges she used to appear in front of hold the elevator for her as she hurries across the lot from her lousy parking space.

  “How’s it going?” asks Judge Nichols.

  “Great.”

  The other two continue complaining about the attitude of one of the probation officers. “Arrogant. Thinks she should decide the sentence. Can’t keep anything to herself.” Neither mentions the name of the person they’re discussing. Lourdes gets off first. Wonders who the judges meant. She likes many of the POs from her days as a lawyer, although some are incompetent or lazy.

  Today is Lourdes’ first day presiding over Drug Court. She’s excited and apprehensive. The court is fast-moving, high-intensity. Often seventy or more defendants appear in a day. Drug Court is scheduled on Mondays so the judge can also handle jury trials which start on Tuesdays or Thursdays.

  Boutique courts started in the 1990s. Drug courts were followed by veterans courts, domestic violence courts, and mental health courts, to name a few. Tucson has a court dealing with animal abuse.

  Boutique courts focus on rehabilitation not punishment. Many judges refuse to be part of them. “I didn’t go to law school to do social work.”

  Lourdes has a different view. The war on drugs has been a failure. Prisons are filled with addicts who typically pose danger only to themselves. The drug court philosophy, which includes mandatory drug testing and counseling, paired with frequent appearances in front of a judge, works. Some fail, but it beats locking up addicts who use while in prison and go home with the same habit.

  Overdoses often occur when addicts, who haven’t used, are released from jail and can’t wait to get high. They use the same dose as before they were incarcerated and die. Their bodies no longer have the same tolerance.

  Prisons try to be drug-free, but it’s a struggle. Inmates and their visitors bring in drugs in a variety of creative ways. Body cavities are old school. She’d recently read a story about cartels who use drones to get drugs into prisons.

  Drug Court day begins with ‘staffing’. Lourdes meets with probation officers, drug counselors and defense lawyers who advise her on the client’s progress or lack thereof. “She missed two out or three counseling sessions and tested positive for opioids.” “Got a job.” “She’s still positive but made all her drops.” Using their input, Lourdes will determine if the defendant will be praised or sanctioned. Jail is used sparingly. If someone messes up badly, they may get 24 to 48 hours.

  Her heart beats faster as she walks into court, and sees the gallery filled with people, mostly female, talking and laughing. A few look as apprehensive as she feels.

  “All rise, the Honorable Judge Velasquez presiding,” intones Becca.

  Lourdes sits down, waits for the room to quiet down.

  “You may be seated.”

  Today is women’s day. Research has shown defendants do better when the genders are separated. Especially women. They pay attention to court instead of men. Feel freer to talk about their issues.

  Lourdes calls he
r first case. “Lisa White, come on up.” A short and anorexic young woman with straight blonde hair walks up. Pale, but still attractive, which might mean she hasn’t been a user long. Lisa’s dressed in worn jeans-not the stylish kind, a faded long-sleeved red blouse and sandals. No visible tattoos.

  “Carolyn Burnett for Lisa White,” announces the defense attorney, one of Lourdes’ ex-colleagues. Carolyn represents all 34 of the women scheduled today. It’s a tough assignment. Each defender has a large caseload, but they don’t do trials. Defendants must plead guilty to get into drug court. Defendants can have private lawyers, but it’s very expensive and few do.

  “Where’s the prosecutor?” Lourdes asks.

  “The County Attorney’s office decided long ago not to appear,” says Dan Murray, the Drug Court Coordinator. “They feel as long as probation is here, their interests will be protected.”

  Lourdes is embarrassed. It’s true she never was a Drug Court attorney, but she should’ve known the prosecution didn’t appear. She hated looking stupid or like she hadn’t done her homework.

  The old Lourdes wouldn’t have thought about it. Good riddance. Now she wonders if hearing from the prosecutor might be worthwhile. There’s no time to think about it now.

  Lisa, the defendant, is a relative newcomer to the program. At staffing, Lourdes learned she has started counseling, is actively looking for a job, and had her first clean drug test.

  “Congratulations, Lisa. You’ve made a great start. Continue what you’re doing. If you need help, make sure you talk to your PO or PD. I’ll see you in two weeks.”

  “Thank you, Your Honor,” Lisa says so softly Lourdes isn’t sure that’s what she said, but everyone looks normal so she moves on.

  “Brandy Alexander,” says Lourdes. Brandy Alexander? No wonder the girl became an addict. “I hear you’re not doing great this week, Brandy. You’ve missed two out of three counseling sessions and dropped dirty for opioids.”

  Brandy is another tiny thing. Like many participants she is anorexic with bad skin. Blotchy or pimples. Another side-effect of drug use. She’s wearing tight shorts and a v-neck knit shirt that is very low-cut, but she’s so thin there is nothing to see. Brandy’s choice of clothing, both the shorts and low-cut shirt, violate the dress code, but Lourdes decides not to mention it. Brandy has more serious problems.