Behind the Robe

by Barbara Sattler

  “I’ve never lied to you,” Lourdes says.

  Carlos gets another beer. Lourdes tries to choke back her tears and focus on her anger. How dare he accuse me? How dare he challenge my judgment?

  “Your cell’s ringing,” Carlos calls from the kitchen. “Government number.”

  Lourdes answers the phone A warrant. DUI. The defendant refused the breath test. The police want a blood draw. While she’s talking, she hears the front door shut. Carlos has left without saying good-bye, without saying where he’s going. Without saying anything.

  TWENTY-FOUR

  Lourdes has a hard time focusing on the arresting officer. Her mind’s on Carlos. Where is he? How could he take off like that? Threaten to tell her parents. Tell her how to do her job. Why did she listen to him? She’s beginning to like being a judge, but she’d been happy being a PD. They’d been happy.

  Lourdes realizes the officer is quiet. What should I ask? They want a warrant for a blood test. The defendant appeared intoxicated-staggered, red-eyed, smelled of alcohol, drove across lanes and went through a red light. Mood swings.

  “I don’t have to take fucking field sobriety tests. I know my fucking rights. My cousin’s wife is a hot-shot lawyer.” And three minutes later, he sobbed, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”

  “Did you explain that if he refuses the breath test, he loses his license for a year even if the DUI is thrown out?”

  “Yes, Your Honor, we gave him that information.”

  The cops have probable cause. Pretty much a no brainer. She tells Officer Hildebrandt (she thinks that’s his name) to go ahead. She just hopes the cops take him to the hospital for the blood test.

  The law recently changed and allows cops with phlebotomy certificates to draw blood. They do it at the scene of the arrest. She’d seen pictures of the defendant’s bruised arms after the cops drew blood. She was one of the lawyers who challenged the procedure as cruel and unusual under the Eighth Amendment. They lost.

  Lourdes needs to talk. She’s still not comfortable enough to call Bev. She calls Molly. Why isn’t she here when I need her? She leaves a voicemail. “Give me a call. I need to talk.”

  She doesn’t know what to do. She changes into her nightshirt and a bathrobe. She tries to read, but can’t concentrate. Decides to defrost some oatmeal cookies she had made over the weekend. Make some cocoa. A normal person would have a drink. She rummages through the pantry looking for the Mexican hot chocolate.

  The phone beeps. A text from Molly. Can I come by? I’m near your place. Lourdes isn’t sure. What if Carlos comes home and Molly is here? It’s my home, too. He probably isn’t coming home for hours.

  Yes. She texts back.

  Lourdes puts on jeans and a T-shirt. She’s still wearing the new earrings. Takes them off, flings them into her jewelry box. In a few minutes Molly is at the door.

  “What’s up, Lourdes? You okay?”

  “Come on in. Want something to drink? I got Coke, Diet Coke. I was going to make some cocoa, but I can’t find the Mexican chocolate.”

  “Coke will be fine. It’s warm outside. Why would you want hot chocolate?” Molly giggles.

  “How’s everything? You still seeing Jared?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be? Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

  “Yeah, but it can wait a minute. How’s his film project coming?”

  “He’s still stuck on the funding. But he’s going to meet with someone later this week. It’ll work out. He’s smart and it’s a good idea.”

  Lourdes walks into the kitchen and puts several oatmeal cookies on a plate. Her own recipe. She adds cranberries and orange zest. It’s one of Molly’s favorite.

  “You’re in luck, Molly. I made oatmeal cookies last Sunday.”

  “No, thanks.”

  “You’ve never turned down one of my oatmeal cookies before.”

  “Just not hungry.” Molly says. That’s a first Lourdes thinks. She looks more carefully at Molly. She looks like she’s lost weight. “Are you feeling okay?”

  “Terrific, why?”

  “Cause you look like you’ve lost weight. You’re not dieting?”

  Molly doesn’t answer at first. “No, of course not—well okay, yes.”

  “You don’t need to lose weight.”

  “I just felt like I’d look better a few pounds thinner.” Sounds like Jared’s idea. “Anyway we’re here to talk about you, not me. What’s up?”

  It’s Lourdes’ turn to be quiet.

  “What did Carlos do?”

  “Why do you think Carlos did anything?”

  “Come on, Lourdes, we’ve been friends a long time. What else could be wrong? He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

  “No. We had an argument and he left. Just walked out the door. Didn’t say where he was going, when he’d be back, or even goodbye.”

  “What were you arguing about?”

  “A ruling I made on a case.”

  Molly opens her purse and pulls out a tin. “Want a mint?”

  “No, thanks.”

  “You argued about a ruling? Must have been something heavy. Tell me.”

  “I probably shouldn’t even talk about it. The file’s sealed.”

  “You can trust me.”

  “A minor wanted an abortion over her parents’ objection. She was represented by Anne Levy.”

  “I haven’t seen Anne in ages. How is she?”

  “We didn’t get much chance to chat. She looks the same. Anyway I ruled that the girl could have an abortion . . .”

  “Superior Court judges decide those. Makes sense, but I’ve never seen an abortion hearing in the hundreds of hours I’ve spent in the courtroom.”

  “That’s because they’re done in chambers and the record is sealed.”

  “Duh, I should have realized that. Why was Carlos upset? I thought he was pro-choice.”

  “I never knew for sure. With me, he acted that way, but sometimes with his family, who are avidly pro-life, he seemed to agree with them. It didn’t affect our relationship since I never got pregnant.”

  “How could you? If I recall you used every kind of birth control available.” Molly looks at Lourdes and laughs.

  “It’s not funny. He’s threatened to tell my parents I allowed a young girl to ‘kill her baby.’ My dad would go ballistic. I don’t know who else he might tell. I never should have told him.” Lourdes begins to cry softly.

  “I didn’t mean to make light of it.” Molly walks over to Lourdes and gives her a hug.

  Lourdes pulls away and looks at Molly. “Molly, you’ve been drinking. I can smell the alcohol on your breath.”

  TWENTY-FIVE

  Lourdes lies in bed. She’s furious. Her husband is out somewhere. Probably drinking, probably drunk. Even he wouldn’t go to her parents’ house this time of night. And Molly. She’s been sober for seven months doing great. This jerk Jared becomes part of her life and she’s drinking again. And losing weight. Molly is not fat. If anything she’s too thin. What else does she do to please him?

  She and Molly had argued. At first Molly refused to admit that she had anything to drink. Then she said, it was only a drink or two and she could handle it. Lourdes had come close to telling her that Jack had been concerned about her, but held her tongue. Maybe Jack could help Molly, but not if she outed him. She’ll call him first thing tomorrow.

  If Steve Larkin, the head of the PD, found out Molly was off the wagon she might lose her job. Steve had been more than fair to Molly, but he’d told her one more slip and she was toast.

  Lourdes is furious at herself. She got so mad at Molly she said things she already regretted. Threatened to tell Steve about Molly’s drinking if she didn’t get back to AA and get a new sponsor. Trashed Jared. Called him self-centered, arrogant and a bad influence on her. She is smart enou
gh to know that Molly won’t listen, and worse, it will only drive her away.

  She can’t sleep, but needs to be clear-headed for court tomorrow. She recalls buying some melatonin. If she can remember where she put it. She finally does, takes two and lies in bed waiting, hoping it will put her to sleep. Where is Carlos?

  Morning comes too soon. No Carlos.

  The day goes by in a haze. Somehow she manages to preside over the trial. When she gets home that evening, Carlos is there. He’s drinking a beer and watching baseball. Acting like everything is fine. She doesn’t know what to say, not sure what she feels. Anger, sadness, anxiety. She wants to talk to Carlos about why everything between them is a mess, but if she brings it up, he’ll deny ‘it’.

  She’d bought some tamales from a man who goes building to building downtown selling his wife’s cooking.

  “Carlos, I’m heating tamales. Want some?”

  “Sure.”

  Lourdes starts preparing dinner. Not that heating tamales and beans takes much effort. Why is she acting like a good Mexican wife when her husband’s acting like a jerk? Does she think if they sit down at the table and share a meal everything will be okay? No matter what, she doesn’t want to cry. She can be so tough in the courtroom, but such a doormat at home.

  Jack had come to her chambers at lunch today. She’d left him a message in the morning, Come by at lunch if you can. She figured he’d know it was about Molly and show up.

  “I was with Molly last night. She admitted having a few. It might be more.” Jack wasn’t surprised. They talked strategy.

  “I’m going to tell her if she doesn’t go to an AA meeting with me immediately and get a new sponsor I’ll tell Steve she’s drinking.” Jack says.

  “If you do, Molly will know I told you what happened the other night.”

  “Judge. . .”

  “Jack, call me Lourdes or I can’t have this conversation.”

  “Okay, Lourdes, if you care about Molly, you’ll agree with me. She needs help, sooner rather than later. Once she’s sober, or sober for a bit, she’ll be glad you cared enough to do something.”

  “What if that doesn’t work? I tried threats already.”

  “She knows you won’t do it. I will.”

  “Okay, go ahead.”

  “Lourdes, you look tired and sad. Is something else the matter?”

  “Yeah, it’s not just Molly. Carlos drinks too much.”

  “I’m so sorry. I suppose he denies he has a problem.”

  “Yeah. His drinking, at least his abusing alcohol, began when he came back from Afghanistan. Please keep this confidential. I think he has PTSD. He won’t admit that either.”

  “I wish I could help.”

  “Thanks. I don’t even know why I told you.”

  Lourdes is brought back to the present as she hears the pot hiss. The tamales are ready.

  “Carlos, come eat.”

  He walks into the kitchen, puts a couple tamales and some beans on his plate. Goes back to the baseball game.

  Lourdes isn’t hungry, but makes herself a plate.

  “Lourdes, can’t you hear the phone?”

  It’s the landline. Must be her parents. No one else uses it.

  “Hola mama. . .Really been busy….Como esta papa?. . .Steve’s bringing a girlfriend-that’s a first. . .sí, si. . . Que hora?. . .Okay. . .Te amo mama.”

  Her mom invited them to lunch on Sunday. Her brother, Steve, is coming down from school with a girlfriend. She knew Steve dated or hooked up or whatever college kids do, but he’d never had an official girlfriend, at least one that he told her or her parents about. She wants to talk about this with Carlos. They can speculate on what she’ll be like. But she doesn’t want to act like life is normal. How could she and Carlos show up at her parents if they aren’t getting along? Her parents will know something’s wrong. What if Carlos ruins everything and tells her family about the abortion decision?

  She walks into the TV room. “Carlos, that was my mom.”

  “I heard. So your brother has a girlfriend?”

  “Yeah. My mom invited us for lunch Sunday. To meet her.”

  “Okay.”

  “Don’t you think we need to talk?”

  “About what?”

  “Don’t be like that.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about. You let a young girl kill her baby without the father having a chance to raise it.”

  “I did my job. I followed the law. Please let it go. Don’t talk to my parents about this.”

  “Why not? Are you ashamed?”

  Lourdes goes back into the kitchen. Carlos is being calm. She’d be more comfortable if he started to yell. She doesn’t know what to do. She cleans up the few dishes.

  A few minutes later she hears Carlos turn off the TV, and pick-up his keys.

  TWENTY-SIX

  Lourdes hasn’t heard from Molly since their argument. It’s Saturday morning. She wonders if Molly will show up. And as for Carlos, they live in the same house, eat at the same table, sleep in the same bed, but don’t talk or touch. Don’t talk is a little unfair. Carlos has said,

  “Pass the salsa.”

  “Have you seen my hat, keys?”

  “Shit, we’re out of beer.” Like that’s her job.

  She’s terrified about the shindig at her parents’ house tomorrow. She isn’t sure if Carlos will go. She isn’t sure if she wants him to. If he does show up she has no idea how he’ll act. Will he drink too much? Mention the abortion decision which will ruin everything? How has her marriage gotten to this point?

  Lourdes dresses quietly. Doesn’t make coffee. Carlos is still asleep or pretending to be. She slams the door on the way out. What is happening to her?

  Raging Sage is crowded. The patio is large and usually a few seats remain, but not this morning. Must be the pleasant weather. Cool for a change. Inside almost all the tables are empty. She’s a tad early, but she can’t wait for Molly for a caffeine fix. She peruses the pastry case and is pleased there are pecan-streusel, and cherry-ginger scones. She considers getting one now so they don’t run out, but she waits.

  Lourdes takes a seat inside and grabs a copy of The Tucson Dog, a new free paper that has recently hit the city. Maybe Molly would find it interesting. There’s a cute column written by a dog answering questions: how do you decide what breed to adopt; foods to avoid, can you add a cat to a two dog home? Time passes. Molly wouldn’t be outside. Even if she got a table she’d come in for the food. But what if she had Toby? She couldn’t leave her alone.

  She goes outside with her coffee. No Molly. No Toby. But a table. She sits down and tries not to look at her watch.

  “Lourdes, sorry.”

  Lourdes is so glad to see Molly she hugs her and begins to cry.

  “Lourdes, what’s the matter?” Molly says hugging her back.

  “I’m so glad you’re here. Where’s Toby?”

  “In the car. I thought we’d get our food first.”

  “Isn’t she scared alone in the car?”

  Molly laughs. “No, she loves the car. Shall we get some food?”

  The two of them go in and order. Lourdes gets the pecan-streusel and Molly a chocolate chip scone and a latte.

  They take their food to the table and Molly gets Toby from the car. This time Molly has brought a rawhide bone which Toby grabs enthusiastically. When Lourdes pets her, Toby wags her tail but continues munching. She’s adorable and several people on the patio smile at her.

  Lourdes hates herself for checking Molly’s breath for alcohol when they hug. She’s so happy when Molly just smells, like Molly. She looks tired, but PDs are often tired, stressed-out, overworked.

  “I didn’t know if you were going to show,” Lourdes says. “I thought you were mad at me.”

  “I thought you might not show. You
have every right to be upset with me. I can’t believe after seven hard months of sobriety I drank. I’m back on the wagon. I’ve been to AA every day since and I’ll keep going.”

  “I’m so glad, Molly. I’m no expert on alcoholism although I’m getting to be more knowledgeable about the drug scene. Don’t you think you need a sponsor?”

  “Yes. I’ve got one. I can’t tell you her name. Confidentiality and all that. But she’s a veterinarian. I think that’s cool.”

  “Glad to hear that.” And glad it’s not a man.

  “You’ll never guess how I got her.”

  “Tell me then.”

  “Jack was at one of the meetings I went to. He was friendly for a change. We went out for coffee after the meeting. I told him I was looking for a sponsor. He helped me find someone.”

  “Do you run into Jack at meetings often?”

  “Not for a very long time. People often go to their same meetings. I was surprised to see him there.”

  Lourdes wonders if Jack went to the meeting hoping Molly would be there. He probably knew where she went since he’d taken her to her first meeting.

  “What’d you say about Jared? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”

  “I said we had a blow-out when I got home from the meeting. He accused me of cheating on him. He saw me go into Starbucks with Jack.”

  “How did he see you there?”

  “Oh, he said he had a meeting in that neighborhood with a guy who was interested in his project. He was leaving to get his car and saw us.” Lourdes doesn’t believe that for a second. Was he following her, stalking her?

  “What happened?”

  “He yelled at me and accused me of lying. I did lie. I had told him I was going shopping. I didn’t want to tell him I was going to AA.”

  “Did you tell the truth about Jack?”

  “No, I told him Jack was a friend from work and I ran into him.”

  “Did he believe you?”

  “Not really. He’s been sulking since. We’re going out tonight. I hope he’s better.”

  Lourdes doesn’t like the sound of this. She wants to tell Molly to drop the jerk. Let her know she fears that Jared is stalking her, but Lourdes knows Molly won’t believe her. She wants to talk to her about Carlos. Bev’s her first choice. She’s smart and compassionate, but she doesn’t want Bev to dislike Carlos or think she’s in an unhappy marriage. Once you bad-mouth your spouse to someone it’s hard to change their opinion.