Fear and Aggression

by Dane Bagley

“What can I do to help?”

  “Um…could you grab those for me?”

  “Sure,” Aspiria said as she walked over to the counter and picked up a plastic container and brought it over to Tammy.

  “Two days until Thanksgiving, we’ve already got the turkey defrosting.” Bob had just walked into the lab, and couldn’t contain his excitement. Every meal brought excitement to him, but Thanksgiving was more than he could contain. “Tammy, do you need Aspiria, right now? We could use her in the galley. We are trying to get today’s meal done and get everything ready for the feast.”

  “What is Thanksgiving?” asked Aspiria, sensing the excitement in Bob’s voice. She really was curious, but she asked more as a courtesy to Bob, allowing him to exuberantly elaborate, than to satisfy her own curiosity. Either way, both objectives would be simultaneously satisfied.

  “You don’t know about Thanksgiving!”

  If Tammy had wanted to keep Aspiria here in the lab with her, she would have had an uphill battle at this point. Sensing that the battle was essentially lost, and not minding anyway, she said, “Go ahead, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it; I really don’t have much more to do here, anyway.” She had headed Bob off at the pass, and saved herself from hearing him go on and on. She’d get it anyway, she was sure, over the next couple of days.

  Aspiria and Bob left, with Bob talking a mile a minute. As they walked out the door, Aspiria turned to Tammy and caught Tammy’s eye. Aspiria gave Tammy a wink, and it made Tammy smile. Aspiria was always looking after everyone else’s interests. Tammy scurried around the lab for a few minutes, and everything was tidied and in place. Aspiria and she had given it a thorough cleaning yesterday. Her reports were nearly completed, and she was in no mood to work through them now.

  It was hard feeling like the holiday season was approaching, from the perspective of being on this ship, and on this mission. Still, she did allow herself the pleasure of remembering her last Thanksgiving at home, and it brought found memories. Steve had been so busy lately, and he had been very distant with her. She wanted to be with him, but dared not be the first to approach. I’ll give him the time he needs, she thought. When he’s ready…if he is ready, he’ll let me know. She decided to see what the other men were up to. Sometimes they provided good conversation, or even a friendly game of cards. She certainly wasn’t in the mood to be alone, or to busy herself aimlessly in the lab any longer.

  When she got to the deck, she saw that Mike, James, and Kenny were dealing a deck of cards.

  “Hey ya, Tammy, shall we deal you in?” asked Kenny in a friendly, good-spirited manner.

  “I don’t want to interrupt.” She did want to, though.

  “We haven’t even started yet, we’re just beginning to deal,” said James. “Join in.”

  She didn’t need any more of an opening; she made her way to the table, as Mike picked up what he had already dealt, and prepared to reshuffle. “I like it better with four. Besides, these guys are less likely to cheat with a woman present.” Light chuckles ensued, and Tammy was already feeling better.

  Before the hand was completely dealt, they were interrupted again. “Captain Jenners, did you get a good rest?” asked Kenny in the same cheerful manner.

  “Not bad. Where is Aspiria?” he asked, looking at Tammy.

  “Bob and Danny are starting to get ready for Thanksgiving, and they wanted her help in the galley.”

  Steve nodded, “Ah, that’s right. When is it?”

  “Two days,” said James. “Hey Captain, we could play with five. You should join us.”

  “You do look like you could use some downtime,” said Kenny honestly; but then feeling like he had overstepped his bounds, he looked down.

  “Oh sure, I’ll deal again, just deal it up for the third time.” But Mike said it with friendly sarcasm, and looked up at Steve with a smile.

  Tammy was already scooting her chair over, and looked at him longingly. Steve scanned their faces, and stopped on Tammy’s for a moment. He could see that she was seeking reconciliation; he considered entering the game momentarily, but just didn’t feel ready for reconciliation—not just yet. “Thank you, but…I think I will check on the galley. It’s more fun with four, and Mike looks like he might throw a fit.”

  Everyone else was fine and turned toward the game, but Tammy continued to look at him; he could see the hurt on her face. She tried to smile, but the sorrow and pain was still evident on her face. She looked down at the space that now existed between her and James—the space she had intended for Steve—and it represented to her the emptiness and the gulf between her and Steve. It would be another minute before she would shift her seat, making the table of four more evenly spaced.

  As soon as his footsteps could no longer be heard, James spoke up. “He really does look stressed. He really could use some relaxation.”

  “Sure. Nobody ever said it was easy being the Captain. This mission has gone very well though, and Command seems pleased. I’m surprised at how much stress he seems to have. You know, his little brother took a bad beating recently. I don’t think that he has been the same since then,” explained Kenny.

  James nodded, but Mike stared at his cards with no expression. He had insights into the stress that the other men did not. He knew of the pregnancy, and how much that was weighing on his mind. He also knew of Steve’s desire to return Aspiria home; that was not going to happen. He did not know of the abortion; no one did; but he believed that he sensed the situation well, and tried to think how he might turn the conversation; it could not be very pleasant for Tammy, right now.

  For her part, she did understand the stress better than anyone else. She knew that, among other things, the abortion, and their relationship troubles, must have weighed most heavily on him. Her heart was beginning to sink. She did highly value their relationship—what it had been, but she was sensing that it was slipping away. She was willing—more than willing—to be patient, but she was beginning to feel that this patience would not pay off. It seemed more likely than not, at least at this moment, that it would be gone soon. She didn’t fault herself, at least not completely, but she felt an awful sense of regret; but not of remorse. She searched in her mind for a topic of conversation that would be more pleasant, more appealing. “Stress is a funny thing, you know.”

  Nobody looked up from the cards that they were fixing in their hands, but she continued on. “Our sympathetic nervous system, along with cortisol and adrenaline are very helpful—very critical. It’s what gives us the ‘fight or flight’ response. As long as our stressors are things that we can attack, or flee from, it works great. We get the blood flowing to our muscles; we get the heart rate up; our body is geared up for the task at hand. But, in our modern world, it doesn’t work so well. We have so many stressors that are abstract. They cannot be run from nor attacked. So, the sympathetic response stays in place, over long periods of time. Our body was never built for a sustained sympathetic response. That is how we get stressed, and it can do strange things to us, mentally and physically.”

  “Yeah, there is nothing worse than being worked up about something that you can’t do anything about,” said Mike.

  “That’s why you go to the gym, and have a good workout. You hit the weights, and run on the treadmill—fight or flight,” said Kenny.

  “That doesn’t work as well, because the stressor is still there,” Tammy countered.

  “Still helps, though,” explained Kenny.

  “I like to watch a football game. Watch those guys battling for three hours. Hitting each other and trying to get an advantage. That’s my kind of stress relief,” said James.

  “Speaking of, it’s getting to that time of year. I hope that we will be back in time for some football. You know what else is good, is a great action movie; one that sucks you into the plot. If I feel like I’m there, then it makes me feel like I’ve done some battle.” Mike was starting to think that that soun
ded like more fun than a card game right now.

  “That’s what we should do on Thanksgiving; watch a great action movie. Have we ever shown Aspiria a movie?” James asked.

  “No, we haven’t. Somehow, I don’t think that she will appreciate something like that. We might have to break her in on an old Disney flick,” Tammy suggested to a light chuckle.

  “You know, she is really great. Of all the things that have surprised me on this mission—and there have been an awful lot of them—that has been the most pleasant surprise. She is an amazing person. Considering her situation—her position—she has definitely made lemonade out the lemons that she has been given. If something like this had happened to me, I would have never made it out of solitary confinement. I’d have killed someone, anyone; everyone, if I could have. She has become our friend. She helps us, and even cooks some of the best meals that I have ever tasted,” said James.

  Kenny nodded, and Tammy said, “I sure wish that I could bring her back to earth. I think that everyone would just love her. It would fix so much.”

  “It’s not happening. There is no way that the President would risk that. I know she’s great, but who knows what could happen. She’s not going to set foot on our planet; not anytime soon,” explained Mike.

  Everyone nodded, and play commenced.