How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk

by Adele Faber

  “I don’t want to do it now.”

  “Quit bugging me.”

  “I’ll do my homework when I’m ready.”

  Lecturing and moralizing: “There’s something we need to talk about. It’s your burping at the table. It may be a joke to you, but the fact is, it’s just bad manners. And whether we like it or not, people judge us by our manners. So if you must burp, at least cover your mouth with your napkin and say, ‘Excuse me.’ “

  “What did you say? I stopped listening.”

  “I feel like burping. “

  “That’s so shallow. Manners might be important to you, but they don’t matter to me. “

  Warnings: “I’m warning you. If you start hanging out with that crowd, you’re headed for big trouble.”

  “You don’t know anything about my friends.”

  “What’s so great about your friends?”

  “I don’t care what you say. I know what I’m doing. “

  Martyrdom: “I ask you to do one little thing for me and it’s too much for you. I don’t understand it. I work so hard to give you everything you need, and this is the thanks I get.”

  “Okay, so I’m a rotten kid.”

  “It’s your fault I’m this way. You spoiled me.”

  “I feel so guilty.”

  Comparisons: “There’s a reason your sister gets all the phone calls. Maybe if you made more of an effort to be friendly and outgoing the way she does, you’d be popular too.”

  “She’s a big phony.”

  “I hate my sister.”

  “You always liked her more than me.”

  Sarcasm: “So you plan to go straight from basketball practice to the dance without showering. Well, you ought to smell wonderful! The girls will be lining up just to get near you.”

  “Ha, ha … you think you’re soooooo funny.”

  “You don’t smell so good yourself.”

  “Why don’t you talk straight and say what you mean!”

  Prophecy: “All you ever do is blame other people for your problems. You never take responsibility. I guarantee you, if you keep this up, your problems will only get worse and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.”

  “I guess I’m just a loser.”

  “I’m hopeless.”

  “I’m doomed.”

  “Enough! I’m having a guilt attack,” Laura called out. “This is so much like the kind of stuff I say to my daughter. But just now, when I listened as a kid, I hated the way it sounded. Everything I heard made me feel so bad about myself.”

  Jim looked distressed.

  “What are you thinking?” I asked him.

  “I’m thinking that a lot of what you demonstrated sounds painfully familiar. As I mentioned last week, my father never hesitated to put me down. I try to be different with my own kids, but sometimes I hear his words come flying out of my mouth.”

  “I know! Sometimes I feel like I’m turning into my mother,” Karen said. “And that’s something I swore I’d never do.”

  “Okay, so now we know what not to say,” Gail called out. “When do we get to what we can say?”

  “Right now,” I answered, holding up the illustrations I had prepared. “But before I distribute these, please keep in mind that none of the communication skills you’re about to see work all the time. There are no magic words that apply to every teenager in every situation. That’s why it’s important to be familiar with a variety of skills. However, as you look through these pages, you’ll see that the basic principle underlying all of these examples is respect. It is our respectful attitude and respectful language that makes it possible for our teenagers to hear us and to cooperate.”

  Instead of Giving Orders …

  Orders often create resentment and resistance.

  Describe the Problem

  By describing the problem, we invite our teenagers to become part of the solution.

  Instead of Attacking the Teenager …

  When we’re angry, we sometimes lash out at our teenagers with words that attack or demean them. Result? They either withdraw or counterattack.

  Describe What You Feel

  When we describe what we feel, it’s easier for the kids to hear us and to respond helpfully.

  Instead of Blaming …

  When teenagers are accused, they usually become defensive.

  Give Information

  When they’re given information, simply and respectfully, they’re more likely to assume responsibility for what needs to be done.

  Instead of Threats or Orders …

  Many teenagers react to threats with defiance or sullen compliance.

  Offer a Choice

  We have a better chance of gaining their cooperation if we can substitute a choice that meets our needs and theirs.

  Instead of a Long Lecture …

  Teenagers tend to tune out long lectures.

  Say It in a Word

  A short reminder focuses their attention and is more likely to engage their cooperation.

  Instead of Pointing Out What’s Wrong …

  Teenagers tend to tune out critical comments.

  State Your Values and/or Expectations

  When parents state their expectations, clearly and respectfully, teenagers are more likely to listen and to try to live up to those expectations.

  Instead of Angry Reprimands …

  Teenagers can be especially sensitive to their parents’ disapproval.

  Do the Unexpected

  By substituting humor for criticism, we change the mood and encourage everyone’s playful spirit.

  Instead of Nagging …

  Some teenagers are slow to respond to a reasonable reminder.

  Put It in Writing

  Often the written word can accomplish what the spoken word cannot.

  Comments flew as people leafed through the pages and studied the drawings:

  “This isn’t just for teenagers. I wouldn’t mind if my husband used some of this stuff on me.”

  “On you?”

  “Okay, with me. For me. The point is, it would probably improve a lot of marriages.”

  “I’ll bet there are people who would look at these skills and say, ‘There’s nothing new here. It’s just common sense.’ “

  “But it isn’t common. If it were, we wouldn’t all be here tonight.”

  “I’ll never remember all this. I’m taping these cartoons to the inside of my closet door.”

  A father who was new to the group and who hadn’t spoken before raised his hand. “Hi, I’m Tony, and I know I probably should keep my mouth shut because I wasn’t here last week. But to me these examples only show how to handle the ordinary, everyday small stuff—a dirty backpack, a ripped shirt, bad table manners. I came here tonight because I thought I was going to find out how to deal with the kind of things teenagers do that worry the hell out of their parents—like smoking, drinking, having sex, taking drugs.”

  “Those are major worries today,” I agreed. “But it’s how we handle the ‘ordinary, everyday small stuff’ that lays the groundwork for handling the ‘big stuff.’ It’s how we deal with the dirty backpack or ripped shirt or bad table manners that can either improve a relationship or worsen it. It’s how we respond to our children’s ups and downs that can cause them to pull away from us or to draw closer. It’s how we react to what they’ve done or haven’t done that can either stir up resentment or create trust and strengthen their connection to us. And sometimes it is only that connection that can keep our teenagers safe. When they’re tempted, conflicted, or confused, they’ll know where to turn for guidance. When the unwholesome voices in the pop culture call to them, they’ll have another voice inside their heads—yours—with your values, your love, your faith in them.”

  After a long silence, Tony asked, “Is our meeting over?”

  I checked my watch. “Just about,” I told him.

  “Good,” he said, waving his set of cartoons, “Because I’m going to try some of this out tonight,
and I want to get home while the kids are still up.”

  The Stories

  In the following stories, you’ll see how the parents used their new skills singly, in combination, and sometimes in situations that went beyond the “everyday, small stuff.”

  Gail

  This last session was made-to-order for me. I’m recently divorced, just started working full-time, and if there’s anything I desperately need now it’s cooperation. Both my boys are in their teens, but they’ve never been big on helping out—which I know is my fault because I hate nagging, so I always end up doing things myself.

  Anyway, Saturday morning I sat them both down and explained that there was no way I could manage my new job and keep on doing everything I did before. I told them I needed them to pitch in and that we all had to pull together now as a family. Then I listed all the chores that had to be done around the house and asked each of them to choose any three they’d be willing to be responsible for. Just three. They could even switch jobs at the end of each week.

  Their first reaction was typical. Loud complaints about all the pressure they were under at school and how they “never had time for anything.” But finally each of them signed on for three chores. I posted the list on the refrigerator and told them that it was a huge relief just to think about coming home from work and finding the laundry done, the dishwasher unloaded, and the table cleared and set for dinner.

  Well, that isn’t exactly what happened. But they have been doing some of the chores, some of the time. And when they don’t, I just point to the list and they get going.

  Now if I had only known this years ago…

  Laura

  My daughter has a new way of letting me know that I’ve done something that “displeases” her. She gives me the silent treatment. If I dare to ask what’s wrong, she shrugs and looks at the ceiling, which infuriates me.

  But after last week’s meeting, I was all fired up—determined to try something different. She was sitting at the kitchen table having a snack when I came in. I pulled up a chair and said, “Kelly, I don’t like what’s been going on between us.”

  She folded her arms and looked away. I didn’t let that stop me. I said, “I do something that makes you mad; you stop talking to me, which makes me mad; then I end up yelling at you, which makes you even more mad. So, Kelly, what I realize now is that I need you to tell me directly if something is bothering you.”

  She shrugged and looked away again. This kid wasn’t going to make it easy for me. “And if that’s too hard,” I said, “then at least give me a signal, some kind of sign. I don’t care what. Knock on the table, wave a dish towel, put a piece of toilet paper on your head. Anything.”

  She said, “Oh, Mom, don’t be crazy,” and left the room.

  I thought, I do sound crazy, but a few minutes later she came back into the kitchen with this funny look on her face and something white on her hair. I said, “What is that thing on your … oh, right … toilet paper.” We both started to laugh. And for the first time in a long time we actually talked.

  Joan

  Last night my fifteen-year-old announced that she wanted to get her nose pierced.

  I went berserk. I started screaming at her. “Are you out of your mind? God gave you a beautiful nose. Why would you want to put a hole in it? Why would you want to mutilate yourself? That is the stupidest idea I ever heard of!”

  She screamed back at me. “All I want is one little ring for my nose! You should see what other kids have. Kim has a stud in her tongue, and Briana has a ring in her eyebrow, and Ashley has one in her belly button!”

  “Well, they’re stupid too,” I said.

  “I can’t talk to you. You don’t understand anything,” she yelled and stomped out of the room.

  I just stood there and thought, And I’m the mother who’s going to a class on communication. Wonderful! But I wasn’t about to give up. I just needed a better way to get through to her.

  So I went on the Internet to see what I could find out about body piercing. Well, it turns out that it’s illegal for anyone under eighteen in my county to have their bodies pierced, branded, or tattooed without a written, notarized letter from a parent or guardian. The only exception was for ear piercing. And there was this whole section on all the diseases you could get from unclean instruments or unsanitary conditions—hepatitis, tetanus, infections, boils …

  Well, when she finally came out of her room, I told her that I was really sorry for the things I had said about her and her friends, but there was information on the Internet I thought she should see. Then I pointed to the screen.

  She looked at it and said, “Well, nobody I know ever got sick. Anyway, I’m willing to take a chance.”

  I said, “The problem is, I’m not willing to take a chance. Your health is too important to me.”

  She said, “Okay, so I’ll go to a regular doctor and let him do it. All you’d have to do is give me written permission.”

  I said, “I can’t go along with that. My original objection still stands. Besides, I know myself. Just seeing my daughter walking around with a ring sticking out of her nostril would be extremely upsetting to me. And I don’t want to be upset every time I look at you. When you turn eighteen, if it’s still important to you, you can decide then whether or not you want to do it.”

  Well, she wasn’t exactly thrilled with my decision, but she seems to have accepted it. At least for now.

  Tony

  My fourteen-year-old, Paul, walks around the house as if he’s off in another world. If I ask him to do something, he’ll say, “Yeah sure, Dad,” and that’s the end of it. In one ear and out the other. So last weekend I “did the unexpected.” Twice.

  First time: in a loud, Count Dracula voice, I said, “I vont you to take out der garbage.” He looked up at me and blinked. “And don’t make me vait,” I said. “Vaiting makes me vild!!!”

  He laughed and said, “Vell, den I better do it.”

  Second time: I noticed a bowl with leftover cereal on the floor of his room. I pointed to it and in my regular voice I said, “Paul, do you know what this is?”

  He said, “Yeah, a bowl.”

  I said, “Nope. It’s a party invitation.”

  “A what?”

  “An invitation to all the cockroaches in the neighborhood to come into Paul’s room and party.”

  He grinned. “Okay, Dad, I get the message,” and he actually picked up the bowl and brought it into the kitchen.

  I know “funny” won’t always work. But it’s nice when it does.

  Michael

  My daughter hit me with a zinger this week. She said, “Now, Daddy, I’m going to ask you something and I don’t want you to freak out and say no. Just listen.”

  “I’m listening,” I said.

  “For my sixteenth birthday party, I want to serve wine. Now, before you get all excited, you have to know that a lot of kids my age have wine at their birthday parties. It’s a way of making the night special.”

  She must have read the disapproval on my face because she stepped up her campaign. “Okay, maybe not wine, but if I can’t at least have beer, no one will even want to come. Actually, I wouldn’t have to provide it, but if my friends could bring their own, that would be okay. Come on, Daddy. It’s no big deal. No one will get drunk. I promise. We just want to have fun.”

  I almost gave her a flat-out no, but instead I said, “Jenny, I see that this is important to you. I need to think about it.”

  When I told my wife what Jenny wanted, she went right to her notes from last week and pointed to “put it in writing.” She said, “If you write it, she’ll read it. If you say it, she’ll just argue with you.”

  Here’s the letter I wrote:

  Dear Jenny,

  Your mother and I have given serious thought to your request that wine be served at your birthday party. For the following reasons, we can’t say yes.

  1. In this state it is illegal to serve alcohol to anyone under twenty-one.


  2. If we were to ignore the law and someone at your party had a car accident on the way home, we, as your parents, would be held legally responsible. Even more important, we’d feel morally responsible.

  3. If we looked the other way and let your friends bring their own beer, in effect we’d be saying, “It’s okay for you kids to break the law as long as we parents pretend we don’t know what’s going on.” That would be dishonest and hypocritical.

  Your sixteenth birthday is a milestone. Let’s talk about how we can celebrate the occasion in ways that are safe, legal, and fun for everyone.

  Love,

  Dad

  I slipped the letter under her door. She never mentioned it, but later that day, after some phone calls with her friends, she came to us with a few proposals that “might make up for not having ‘real’ drinks”—an Elvis impersonator, a karaoke party, or someone who does horoscopes.

  It’s all still in the discussion stage. But one thing my wife and I know, whatever is decided, we plan to be around that night. We’ve heard that sometimes kids will leave a party, get a few drinks they’ve stashed in the car, and come back in—all smiling and innocent. We’ve also heard of kids bringing their own bottled water to a party, only the “water” is actually vodka or gin. So no, we won’t be intrusive. We’ll try to be discreet. But we’ll be keeping our eyes open.

  Linda

  Remember I said I was going to tape the cartoons to the inside of my closet door? Well, that’s what I did. And it was a big help. Whenever I was about to yell at the kids this week, I’d catch myself, go into my bedroom, open the closet, look over the cartoons, and even though my situation was different, I’d get a better idea of how to handle it.