Carnival

by Jane Harvey-Berrick

  God hated me. There was no other explanation.

  She made herself comfortable, wiggling in her seat. I had to look away: left leg in a brace, a small confined space and a hard-on—not a good combination.

  I noticed that she had her camera bag with her and she started taking snaps even before I’d sat down again.

  “It’s a really great camera,” she whispered to me as I buckled my seatbelt, her breath brushing across my cheek. “Thank you.”

  I nodded, trying not to look at her.

  “Aw, don’t mind him, sweet cheeks,” Tucker laughed. “He’s just a grumpy ole grizzly with a bark worse than his bite. He loves you really.”

  Her mouth dropped open, uncertainty flashing in her eyes as her gaze flickered from him to me.

  “Shut the fuck up, Tucker!”

  Sara closed her mouth, but an almost imperceptible smile curved her pink lips into a perfect cupid’s bow.

  We drove from the fairground, the huge tires kicking up a cloud of yellow dust.

  Kes and Aimee were in the lead, followed by Zach driving Ollo’s RV; then Sara, me and Tucker in the rig; and bringing up the rear was Luke driving his and Zach’s RV with the old truck getting towed and enjoying a free ride.

  Tucker turned on the radio, some station that played country tunes, and started whistling along. I rolled my eyes—soon he’d be singing. Guy was the happiest man I knew: it was annoying.

  Of course, the fact that he’d be seeing Tera in a couple of days helped. I felt an unfamiliar lick of jealousy—not that I wanted Tera, she was like a sister to me, but I felt a pull toward something that was unfamiliar and unwelcome.

  I didn’t know the score with Sara’s family, but wondering about her parents had made me think about mine more than usual lately. In any case, I was really glad that I’d be seeing my brother next month.

  A few minutes later, Tucker did start singing, but Sara surprised me by joining in and I couldn’t help turning my head to watch her. She caught my eye and gave me a wide, happy smile. Someone else was pleased to be leaving Washington. I wondered for the thousandth time what she was running away from.

  “Tell me about your girlfriend, Tucker?”

  Tucker grinned as he cast a look at Sara.

  “You want to know what kind of lucky woman has taken this fine specimen off the market?” he grinned.

  Guy was an idiot.

  “No, I was just wondering what poor woman you conned into dating you,” Sara sassed back.

  I couldn’t help laughing out loud and she turned to me in shock.

  “Oh wow, you just laughed!”

  Tucker went into a fit of hysterics at that and I had to reach across Sara and grip the steering wheel to stop him from driving off the road.

  “I laugh,” I said, irritated. “I just don’t go around cackling like a fool, unlike some people,” and I shot an annoyed glance at Tucker, which just made him laugh even harder until he was coughing violently.

  Sara gave a small giggle and then she was laughing too, half snorting, which made them both laugh harder.

  I folded my arms across my chest, staring out of the window.

  “We’re not laughing at you,” Sara said softly, a worried look on her face.

  “I am!” Tucker croaked, wiping his eyes.

  And I may have smiled when she slapped his arm.

  “Ow,” he said, rubbing his bicep as he grinned at me.

  “So, what’s Tera really like?”

  This time Sara asked me.

  “She’s great—pretty and smart, except for her lapse in judgment when she started dating this baboon. Kes tolerates it.”

  Sara frowned.

  “Why would Kes care who Tucker dates?”

  “Tera is his sister.”

  “Oh!” Her eyes opened wide. “I didn’t know he had a sister. How come she doesn’t travel with the carnival?”

  “She’s his half-sister. They didn’t grow up together—in fact they only met for the first time last year.”

  Tucker had an uncharacteristic frown on his face.

  “Their father’s an asshole,” he said under his breath.

  Sara bit her lip, worried that she’d upset him.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  “Not your fault, sweet cheeks,” Tucker said somberly. “Family life—it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.” Then he glanced at her. “This is our family now.” There was an awkward pause before he continued. “Anyhoo, you’ll like Tera—she’s good people.”

  We were all silent for a moment, then Tucker filled the gap again.

  “Kes talks to his brother Con sometimes—he’s a pilot in the Air Force. Ollo says, Con couldn’t wait to get away from carnie life. Our man here,” and he cocked his head at me, “he’s about the only one of us who actually likes his family.”

  “You’re lucky,” Sara said, I heard the wistfulness in her voice.

  “Still planning to see Dan at his pre-season game?”

  “Yup.”

  Tucker rolled his eyes at my terse reply.

  “Grumpy over there, his little brother is a big time football player—starting quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons.”

  “Oh wow! That’s a really good team!”

  She sounded so surprised that I raised an eyebrow as I glanced at her.

  “He scored the winning touchdown at the Rose Bowl with his college team the year before last,” Tucker proudly informed her.

  Her eyes grew even bigger.

  “That is amazing! You’re this big time stunt rider and your brother is a big shot football player! Wow! Your parents must be so proud!”

  There was another uncomfortable silence while Tucker gripped the wheel and I stared straight ahead before turning to look at her.

  “Our parents died in a car accident. Long time ago now.” I paused, wondering how they’d feel about the road I’d taken. “Yeah, I think they would have been proud.”

  And as I said the words, a weight lifted from my shoulders, a weight that I didn’t know I’d been carrying. I’d fucked up, made bad choices, trusted the wrong people, but since joining the Daredevils I’d worked hard and kept my nose clean, and now I was fairly well known and respected in the stunt riding community. So yeah, I think my parents would have been proud of me.

  Sara’s quick emotions swept across her face and she picked up my left hand in both of hers, squeezing my fingers.

  Tucker gave me a small grin and winked at me.

  “Aw, kids! Are we having a Kodak moment?”

  I didn’t even bother to tell him to fuck off.

  Holding Sara’s hand felt nice but when I looked up at her, she was wearing a worried smile.

  I squeezed her hand once more and released it, laying it carefully in her lap.

  Tucker brought the rig to a halt, slumping with tiredness as the engine died—the sudden silence woke Sara.

  For the last two hours she’d been sleeping against my shoulder, soft and warm as I wrapped my arm around her protectively.

  Her eyes met mine and she smiled, arching her back like a cat.

  There was no embarrassment that she’d been using me as a pillow; if anything, she looked pleased with herself.

  Then she turned to look out of the window and her eyes glowed with pleasure.

  The evening sky blazed pink, purple, orange, turning to a deep blue as the horizon met the Pacific Ocean. The sun was huge and blood red, sinking toward the water as waves rolled restlessly onto the dunes below.

  I swung down from the cab, stiff and awkward, then holding out my hand to Sara to help her.

  “Beautiful,” she breathed.

  I couldn’t help agreeing, but I wasn’t looking at the scenery.

  “Aimee and Kes live here?”

  “Yep.”

  Tucker knocked into my crutch, making me stumble, and I fumed as he slung a casual arm around Sara’s shoulders.

  “Kes’s family have wintered here for generations,” he told her. “But he ow
ns this land now. When he and Aimee got together, he wanted to give her somewhere permanent, somewhere she could call home.”

  Sara’s expression became wistful. Maybe she was thinking of her own home. The thought was like ground glass in my stomach.

  The three RVs rumbled up behind us, bouncing along the potholed road, a cloud of sandy dust billowing around them as they parked a short distance from Kes and Aimee’s log cabin.

  Bo came scampering out of Ollo’s RV, climbing up my crutch and sitting on my shoulder, chattering loudly as he tugged at my beard.

  “Hey, lil fella. How ya doin’?”

  “They sure make a cute couple,” Tucker laughed.

  If I’d had a free hand, I’d have given him the finger.

  “If your brain was as fast as your mouth, Tucker, it might be waking up to this morning’s breakfast about now.”

  “You’re sure gettin’ grumpy in your old age, Zef.”

  “Motherfucker! I’m only a year older than you!”

  Sara shrugged out from underneath Tucker’s shoulder.

  “Stop being mean to him,” she said, giving him a little push. “His leg is hurting.” And she turned to me. “Isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, aching somethin’ fierce.”

  She came over immediately and put her arm around my waist so I could lean on her.

  I raised an eyebrow at Tucker and he gave me a cheesy grin.

  Aimee opened up the log cabin while the rest of us took a walk down to the beach to stretch our legs, relieved not to be in an air conditioned cab any longer. She opened her mouth as if she was going to tell me not to attempt it since I was still on crutches, but I ignored the look she gave me. I hated being cooped up.

  The air smelled of salt, fresh and clean. My crutches sank into the soft sand, but Sara never left my side and I liked that a lot.

  She made me stop twice so she could take pictures, but I didn’t mind that one bit. I was happy to watch her, intensity in her expression as she framed her shot, captivated by whatever she was seeing. It was at times like this that she seemed older than her eighteen years of age. And at times like this it had me hoping for things I had no business hoping for.

  Luke, Zach and Ollo collected scrub and driftwood to make a bonfire, and Kes pulled out his phone to call a pizza place in town. We were all hungry and tired, and part of me wished we could stay here for a few days, but we’d be moving on soon, traveling on, because that’s what we did, that was our life.

  As the air cooled, we strolled, hopped and walked back to the log cabin.

  “What a beautiful place to have a home,” Sara said to Aimee.

  “Thank you. But really it’s home for all of us—at least that’s the plan.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, there used to be more log cabins on the site and although some of the older carnies have places in town, when Kes bought the land, we had an idea that one day we’d all build cabins here, too, and maybe another one that we could use as a guest house. A sort of commune for carnies,” and she laughed. “Luke and Zach have nearly finished theirs. They’re hoping to move in by New Year’s.”

  “Wow, that’s amazing! What a great idea!”

  “I really hope we can make it happen. The last two winters . . . well, it didn’t happen, but maybe this winter . . . Zef was talking about starting to build his cabin, as well. I don’t know if Tucker will now he’s got Tera in Los Angeles. And I think Ollo prefers his RV.”

  Aimee shrugged.

  “It will always be home if and when the boys want it—they know that.”

  Sara’s shoulders sagged and I longed to take the weight of sadness from her.

  An hour later, we’d just sat down to pizza when Sara got a call on her cell phone. Her face paled and she murmured a quick apology before she stood up and walked away from the bonfire to take the call.

  Aimee watched her leave, then turned her eyes to me.

  “Who’s calling her?”

  I shrugged.

  “You don’t know? She hasn’t told you anything?”

  I was annoyed by her tone but I knew that it came from a good place—just a fucking annoying one.

  “No, and I’m not asking her. If she wants to talk, she will.”

  Aimee shook her head in disappointment.

  “You’re supposed to be her friend!”

  I saw Kes throw her a warning glance which she either didn’t see or ignored, but it was too late and my temper exploded.

  “Stop pushing me, Aimee! You think this is one of your fucking fairytales? You think her happy ending should be with me? Wake the fuck up!”

  Kes was on his feet in a second.

  “Don’t talk to her like that, man. Just because you’re on crutches, it doesn’t mean I won’t beat the shit out of you!”

  “Go ahead, Kestrel,” I spit at him. “Take a swing. If it teaches your wife to keep her fucking mouth shut and stop poking her nose in my business then it’ll be worth . . .”

  And that’s when he hit me.

  I flailed backwards, tripping over my crutches and landing hard on my back, winded, staring up at the starlit sky.

  Aimee was yelling, and Tucker and Zach were each holding Kes’s arms, although he didn’t make any further move to come after me.

  As I continued to lay on the ground, furious and guilty, Ollo’s small frame came into view. He stared down at me.

  “You deserved that.”

  Then he reached out his hand and I grasped it, letting him pull me up. For a short, old guy, he was surprisingly strong.

  Aimee was crying now, clinging to Kes while he stared at me stonily. Zach shook his head and Luke looked as if he’d rather be anywhere else. I knew how he felt.

  I shook off Ollo’s hand, grabbed my crutches and stumped down to the beach. I heard the rush of light footsteps behind me and Bo’s quiet chirruping distress as he climbed up to sit on my shoulder. He hated noise, hated shouting.

  “I guess you’re the only one speaking to me now,” I sighed.

  He chattered quietly, tugging my beard.

  “Yeah, I know. I’m a prick. I suppose I’ll have to apologize to Aimee, but I really wish that she’d shut the fuck up about me and Sara. I like her, of course I fucking do, but nothing can happen there. I can’t allow it.”

  I found a hollow in the dunes and eased myself down, feeling the cool sand under my hands. Bo curled up in my lap and fell asleep listening to the waves lapping against the shore.

  A full moon lit the sky and dark clouds sent violet shadows scudding across the reedy grass. Maybe the trickster was out tonight—it would explain why I was acting so crazed.

  I leaned back, staring upward, ignoring the trickle of blood that seeped from my nose to my beard. I had a feeling my lip was swelling up, too. I should probably ice it. I should probably do a lot of things differently, but I couldn’t seem to care.

  My mind was drifting, self-pity thickening the disgust in my gut, when I noticed a gleam of light further down the beach. After a second, I realized that it must be Sara with her cell phone. She was moving this way and I knew I should let her walk past me, but I didn’t. Couldn’t.

  “Sara, you okay?”

  She jumped a little when she heard my voice.

  “Zef?”

  “Over here.”

  She changed direction and walked towards me, almost falling over my crutches in the shadowy hollow.

  “You okay?”

  “I was going to ask you that,” and I wondered if she heard the smile in my voice.

  She crouched down next to me and I could see that she was shivering in her thin t-shirt, her bare legs covered in goosebumps.

  “C’mere,” I offered, lifting my arm so she could scoot under it.

  Bo woke up, chirruping his annoyance at being disturbed, then scampered off.

  “Oh! I didn’t mean to upset him!”

  “Don’t worry about him—it’s past his bedtime anyway.”

  She gave a soft giggle t
hat tugged at my hard heart and snuggled closer.

  “Thanks,” she said breathily, pressing her cool skin against the rougher material of my plaid shirt.

  “Everything okay . . . with your phone call?”

  She didn’t answer.

  “If you want to talk, I won’t judge you,” I said quietly. “Hell, I’m the last person who should judge anyone.”

  “Why do you talk about yourself like that, Zef? You’re so sweet and kind.”

  I gave a hollow laugh.

  “I’m really not.”

  “You are to me.”

  I sighed. “I’m trying not to be, but . . .”

  “But?”

  “I like you,” I admitted.

  “Like me, or like me like me?”

  I laughed softly.

  “Um, both?”

  She turned her head, her lips touching my cheek.

  “Good, because I like like you, too.”

  Her hand drifted to my chest and I grasped it quickly.

  “And the reason I haven’t made a move on you is because you’re a nice girl.”

  Her laugh was bitter as she pulled away from me.

  “A nice girl? A nice knocked up girl?”

  “I don’t care about that.”

  “You don’t?”

  I could hear the disbelief in her voice.

  “I care that it hurts you, that you’re confused about what you want . . .”

  “I’m not!”

  “That you’ve run away rather than face whatever happened. But you know I don’t think any less of you for that. We’re all travelers here, all moving on, and you’re not the only one who’s running away from something.”

  “Are you?”

  “Yes and no,” I answered truthfully, then took a deep breath, plunging into the cold waters of the past. “I’m 32 years old, and I’m an ex-con. I did two years in prison for drug dealing. Roy, the guy up in Washington, he was my dealer. And . . . I had a problem with alcohol and drugs. I guess I still do. I was an addict, but I don’t use anymore.”

  I felt her body stiffen against me, but she didn’t move away.

  “Is that why you wouldn’t take the painkillers the doctor gave you when you sprained your knee?”