Carnival

by Jane Harvey-Berrick

  I glanced at the others and saw that everyone was in on the secret, whatever it was.

  “Seriously, what the fuck?”

  “Dude, one foot in front of the other—it’s how you walk!” Tucker laughed.

  Sara held my hand, staring up at me quizzically, but I shook my head. I had no clue what was going on.

  After a minute, I realized that we were heading in the direction of the plot I’d chosen to build my cabin. But as we approached, my stomach somersaulted.

  Rising out of the twilight was a beautiful, ranch-style home, complete with wrap-around porch.

  I stood, speechless, as my throat ached and my eyes began to burn.

  Kes laid a hand on my shoulder.

  “Sometimes we all need a hand, Zef, and you’ve been there for me ever since I’ve known you. Everyone pitched in, plus Daniel and Lisanne wanted to help out, too. Tera is the project manager and she’s been flying here every other weekend all summer, and we called in some favors. Dan and Rhonda have been out here supervising the work since Labor Day. It’s ready for you to move into. You, Sara, and Peanut.”

  Sara squeezed my hand as I continued to stand there, wordless, my heart racing.

  “Go take a look,” Kes said quietly.

  Sara gave me a watery smile and tugged on my hand.

  I stepped up onto the deck and pushed the wooden stable-style door open. Inside was a modern, open-plan kitchen dining-living room, already furnished, and with huge picture windows facing the ocean. I could hear the waves in the distance and the rustle of the breeze as it swept lightly across the desert fig trees shading one corner of the house.

  On the walls, photos of the Daredevils in action had been framed and hung, all Sara’s work; there was another picture of me with Dan and our parents; and there were several of Sara and me together.

  I pushed open another door and saw a king-size bed, already made up with new linen. Next to it was a small wooden cradle, with a pale yellow blanket. I reached down to touch it, rubbing the super soft material between my fingers. Above hung a mobile made up of miniature motorcycles.

  I stared around, stunned. They’d thought of every detail.

  “Do you like it?” Aimee asked tentatively.

  I nodded slowly and then I reached down and hugged her carefully, one hand still wrapped around Sara’s. I couldn’t believe that they’d done all of this for me, for us.

  “Thank you,” I said, my voice gruff.

  Then I stood up and looked at each of them standing watching me.

  “I owe you fuckers.”

  They all started laughing and Sara gave my arm a smack, presumably for bad language, as she laughed with them, happy tears pouring down her face.

  “Welcome home, baby mama.”

  Sara and I spent our first night in our new home listening to the waves breaking on the shore below, entangled in each other’s arms.

  “I can’t believe they pulled it off without you knowing,” said Sara. “I feel like I’m going to wake up and find it’s all a dream. I’m almost afraid to open my eyes in case it is.”

  I knew what she meant. I hadn’t realized how tricky those sons-of-bitches could be—and I was including my little brother in that. I knew he must have paid out a lot of money to get the job done and so quickly.

  “I just don’t know how the hell I’ll ever pay them back,” I said quietly, voicing a silent fear.

  Sara rolled me onto my back and carefully straddled my legs.

  “Don’t you listen, Zef? Don’t you ever? Kes said it all—they’re paying you back. This is your family thanking you. Don’t you get that?”

  “I don’t know . . .”

  “Oh my God! You’re so wrapped up in all the bad stuff, who you were then, but that’s in the past. They value who you are now. They love you. So suck it up and instead of laying there working yourself into a state, just man up and say thank you!”

  “Are you telling me off, baby mama?”

  “Yes, I am. Get used to it.”

  She kissed me hard. I didn’t think I’d have a problem getting used to that.

  Sara gave her new address to her parents and two days later she got a package. There was a greeting card that said Welcome to your new home. She said that her dad had signed for her mom, but at least he’d sent it. He’d also enclosed her high school diploma and a letter saying how proud he was of her.

  “Seems like a lifetime ago,” she said quietly, fingering the thin card of the certificate.

  “Any regrets?” I asked, holding her hand and kissing the back of it.

  “Your beard tickles,” she laughed. “No, not really, except . . .”

  “What?”

  “I wish . . . I wish Peanut was yours. Really yours.”

  I could have just said that we could get married and Peanut would legally be assumed to be mine. That will solve a lot of problems down the road. But she wasn’t ready to hear that, and she’d had to deal with so much already.

  “He is, Sara. In all the ways that matter, he’s mine.”

  “I just wish . . .”

  “No, don’t do that. No regrets, like you said. And I promise you, as soon as we’ve done the paternity test, we’ll be down that courtroom so fast, the adoption papers will still be coming off the printer. You got that? Peanut will never want for a father.”

  She gave a beaming smile.

  “You are the best thing that ever happened to me Joseph Connor Colton.”

  “Yeah, you’re a lucky woman,” I grinned at her.

  We headed into town that afternoon so Sara and Aimee could establish themselves at the local maternity center, the interestingly named Mad River Community Hospital. Yeah, it fit us pretty well.

  A doctor examined Sara and then talked over birthing options with us. Sara seemed a little overwhelmed and kept looking at me for answers, but I was almost as clueless as her. Google had let me down. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if Tucker knew this stuff already.

  “You’ll give me drugs, right?” Sara asked, wide-eyed as the doctor began to explain in detail what would happen at the birth.

  The doctor smiled and told us that all choices would be offered. I wondered if they had good drugs for the fathers as well. Frickin’ terrible time to be a recovering drug addict.

  “One thing I should add,” said the doctor, “Just be aware that with the sudden drop of estrogen after delivery, your libido can plummet. Also, the lining of your vagina thins out, making intercourse uncomfortable. This can be particularly true if you’re breastfeeding.”

  Sara’s mouth dropped open, staring in shock.

  “Good to know, doc,” I said.

  Sara didn’t say a word.

  We took a tour of the town while Kes and Aimee went to visit his mom who was a stroke victim and in a long-term care facility nearby. He hated going there, especially when she didn’t recognize him. It was weird to think of him as having two parents when he’d been alone so much of his life.

  I was determined to be present in Peanut’s life as much as possible. Well, as much as a man who traveled like I did could be. But then again, Aimee was a trained teacher—maybe we’d just travel as a family forever, coming back to our ranch house each winter. The idea didn’t suck.

  Rhonda and Dan stayed another week with us before heading home to Arkansas. Their rodeo ponies were being looked after by friends, but they needed to get back to their own lives.

  We promised to catch up in the Spring and waved them on their way.

  Since all the efforts had been put into making a home for me and Sara, I threw myself into helping Luke and Zach finish off their cabin, as well as decorate the addition that Kes and Aimee had built for their kid.

  There was plenty of work for all of us, and Sara was still putting the finishing edits to the movie, although she refused to show it to any of us “in case it sucks”. I’d seen enough snippets to know that it was going to be amazing.

  We finished just in time for New Year’s Eve, and Zach and Luk
e hosted a party, just as they’d promised all those months ago.

  It wasn’t the liveliest party ever, since Tera and Tucker had gone back to LA for some alone time and away from all the baby talk, and Sara and Aimee were barely still awake at midnight.

  If it hadn’t been for Socrates yelling, “He’s a tosser! He’s a tosser!” every half-hour and waking Bo, they’d probably have already fallen asleep.

  Luke and Zach were planning to go to San Francisco for a few days. Luke had only recently come out to his family and was trying to establish a tentative relationship. They’d surprised him by being more accepting than he’d expected, but it was still early days.

  “I’d like to propose a toast,” said Kes, holding up a champagne glass of soda. “It’s been a helluva year. We’ve lost someone special,” and he paused while we all thought of Ollo, “but we’ve gained someone special, too,” and he smiled at Sara who beamed back. “So, I’d just like to say . . .”

  “Oh shit!”

  Kes glanced at Aimee. “That’s not what I was going to say, babe.”

  “No . . . my water just broke.”

  He stared at her horror struck, then threw his glass of soda over his shoulder, sweeping her into his arms as he staggered out of the door.

  “You forgot the keys to the truck!” Zach yelled, running after him.

  I raced over to their cabin and picked up Aimee’s small suitcase that had been waiting by the door for the last two weeks, then watched as the truck’s headlights danced over the gravel road.

  I walked back to Zach and Luke’s cabin more slowly.

  Luke was mopping the floor, his face wrinkled with distaste. I averted my eyes. I didn’t really want to look at Aimee’s ‘water’ either.

  “Do you think she’ll be alright?” asked Sara, wide-eyed.

  “Yeah, they’ll be fine,” I said, doubting I’d sound so nonchalant when it was our turn.

  We said goodnight to the guys, then walked slowly back to our ranch house.

  Sara was asleep in seconds, almost passing out with her toothbrush still in her mouth.

  I lay on my back, listening to the ocean, and sent up a small prayer for Kes and Aimee.

  At 5AM, my phone vibrated with a text message.

  Its a girl!

  I smiled to myself, turning to watch Sara’s sleeping face, glowing in the pale light of dawn. I was so ready to be a father.

  By early evening the next day, Aimee came home carrying her baby daughter. It seemed kind of fast to me, but apparently that’s what happens when there are no hitches.

  She looked exhausted but happy.

  Kes couldn’t take his eyes off the baby, and spent more time holding her than Aimee did, except when she was feeding. I couldn’t get used to Aimee whipping her tits out every couple of hours, and had to look away. I was also slightly afraid that Kes would punch me.

  Zach and Luke weren’t desperately happy about it either, and I saw them glancing at each other doubtfully.

  Kes held his daughter, awe on his face. She had a thatch of hair so thick and dark it looked as though someone had slapped a toupée on her. I didn’t mention that to Kes. But she had his eyes, those weird gray eyes with a navy blue ring around them. I’d watched him use those on chicks for years before he met Aimee again. Although I heard the doc say that babies go through eye color changes in the first few days, weeks, or months, I was pretty certain that those baby blues were here to stay.

  “We’re naming her Duvessa,” he said, his voice quiet as he stared down, mesmerized by his sleeping daughter.

  “It’s Irish,” Aimee added, love welling up in her eyes. “It means ‘dark beauty’, but we’re going to call her Dove.”

  Dove yawned and opened those big silver-blue eyes.

  I had a feeling that Dove little was going to be giving some poor first-grader a run for his money a few years down the line. And if she was anything like her dad, Kes would be getting a lot of gray hairs once she started walking, let alone dating.

  Aimee’s mom and sister flew over for a couple of weeks, staying in a hotel in town. Kes wasn’t crazy happy about that, but he put up with it. He wasn’t that relaxed around regular folk, brick-dwellers, and he still held a grudge against Aimee’s mom for splitting them up when they were sixteen.

  Sara and I stayed out of their way, enjoying spending time together, wandering around Arcata and buying a few more things for Peanut’s arrival.

  She was still certain that he was going to be a boy. When she’d had the chance to find out the sex, she’d decided not to. She was going to trust her intuition. I hedged my bets and tried to get her to buy clothes in neutral colors.

  Dan sent over a tiny Falcons’ t-shirt with his number, two, and the name Colton on it. Sara loved it, and texted Lisanne to thank them both.

  A couple of days later, Kes pulled me to one side.

  “So, you remember I asked you to be Dove’s godfather?”

  “Sure, man. But if you’d rather someone else . . .”

  He shook his head impatiently.

  “Hell, no! I’ve got three brothers and I want you all standing up with me. It’s just . . .” and he frowned deeply, “Aimee has asked her sister and Tera to be godmothers, and she wants Mirelle, too.”

  Obviously, I knew that Aimee still spoke to her best friend, I wouldn’t have expected anything else even after the way we’d broken up. I should have guessed that she’d want her to be there for Dove.

  I’d heard from Aimee that Mirelle had given birth to a little girl shortly before Thanksgiving. I might have felt a small twinge, a memory of the good times we’d shared, but it was no more than that.

  “I’m okay with it,” I said honestly. “She’ll be with her guy and I’m with Sara. It worked out for the best. It’s cool.”

  He looked relieved.

  “Thanks, bro. I appreciate that.”

  I shrugged.

  “We’ve all moved on. It’s not a big deal.”

  And it wasn’t.

  “Zef! ZEF!”

  I woke with a start.

  “What?”

  “I think he’s coming?”

  “Who’s coming?”

  “Peanut, you idiot! Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!”

  Sara let out a yell so loud that she nearly perforated an eardrum. Socrates started squawking and flapping around, woken from a deep sleep and dreams of . . . sunflower seeds?

  I leapt out of bed, butt naked, and headed for the door.

  “Put some . . . [huff] . . . clothes on, you . . . [huff] douche!”

  Did she just call me a douche?

  I turned around and grabbed a pair of jeans, toed on my boots and yanked a sweater over my head.

  “Ready!”

  I grabbed her enormous suitcase that was by the door . . . and stopped.

  “Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!”

  I’d forgotten that Luke and Zach were in San Francisco, and for the last week I’d been driving a rental car. The keys were in the pocket of my leather jacket.

  I spun around, grabbed the jacket from the pile, ran out the door, and slung the suitcase in the trunk of the car. Ready.

  Oh shit! Not ready.

  “Sara!”

  “I’m coming, you dickhead! You nearly left me behind!”

  Now I was a dickhead?

  I got her situated in the car and peeled out of there.

  “Slow down!” she screamed. “Ow! OW! OWWWW!”

  I didn’t know if it was my wild driving across the uneven gravel, or the contractions that were making her yell, but she was l-o-u-d.

  We hit the main road and she screamed again.

  “Oh my God! Can you drive any slower? My Granny drives faster than you!”

  I glanced at the speedometer and watched the dial creeping toward 100mph. I put my foot down, hoping there were no coyotes or bobcats out for a stroll tonight because I had no plans to stop until I reached the hospital.

  “Slow down, you maniac!” she screeched. “Do you want to kill us?” />
  I slowed to 95mph, sweat beading on my forehead in the cool January air.

  She shrieked again, hands gripping her stomach, and I winced in sympathy.

  It was the longest ten minutes of my life, and when I spun into the space reserved for ambulances at the front of the hospital, I had sweat dripping in my eyes and my heart was beating so fast, I thought I’d have a heart attack. But at least I was in the right place.

  A security guard came striding over, but when he saw Sara stumbling out of the passenger door, he about-faced and jogged through the entrance, returning with a nurse in pale pink scrubs pushing a wheelchair.

  Her kind, calm voice soothed Sara immediately, and she collapsed into the wheelchair, her face pale and her eyes terrified.

  I was about to follow them inside when the security guard made me go and put the car in the parking lot.

  It gave me a minute to gather my thoughts. I sent a quick text to Kes in case he’d seen us racing away from the house and asked him to feed Socrates in the morning. I decided not to bother the rest of the guys until I had news. They’d all asked me to let them know as soon as Sara went into labor. Even her father. Everyone said that first babies could take their time arriving, although Dove had been in a hurry.

  My new sense of calm shattered when I heard Sara’s screams echoing down the quiet corridors. It shut off so suddenly, the hairs rose on the back of my neck. But then I heard her sobbing cry and moved faster.

  I was intercepted by a different nurse, and shown into a room where I could change into scrubs.

  “Just be calm and hold her hand. Do whatever she wants, but stay calm, okay?”

  I jumped motorcycles for a living—of course I could stay calm.

  Sara screamed again and I nearly leapt out of my skin.

  The nurse gave me an encouraging smile and led me into the birthing suite.

  Sara was still yelling, her face turning purple, and I wondered if Peanut would have the same set as lungs as his mother—I could be in trouble.

  When she saw me, she reached out for my hand, nearly twisting it off at the wrist as she gripped it. I grimaced as her nails sank in, but remembered what the nurse said.