Rainfall

by Melissa Delport

  Doctor Sheldon pauses as the air hostess hands him two pre-packed sandwiches and two cups of tea. “Thank you,” he addresses her and she smiles, the perfect air-hostess smile. I want to slap her face and tell her to bugger off. I do not have time for pleasantries; I need to know what happened next.

  “Jack Junior is not the nicest person,” he chews slowly, and then takes a sip of tea. “When I met him, he came across as incredibly arrogant and a bit of a bully. It did not take long before he and Adam started to argue. Eventually the fighting turned physical and a fist fight culminated in Jack firing Adam.” He pauses, letting me come to my own conclusion.

  “Kyle?” I ask and he nods approvingly.

  “Good girl. Yes, I can only assume that the bullish nature of Jack Junior caused Kyle to surface again and take charge of Adam’s body. Kyle’s intention was to protect Adam, but, as we all know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” He takes another bite of his sandwich and I fight the urge to punch him in the mouth for wasting time. I am appalled at how on edge I am and I force myself to take a few calming breaths.

  “Jack Senior meant a lot to Adam. He was really his only mentor and the only father figure Adam had ever known. Adam went to his funeral to pay his respects.” I cringe; I can only imagine what happened next. “Kyle caused a scene when Jack Junior tried to evict him from the proceedings. He spent a night in jail for domestic disturbance and bailed himself out the next morning – I assume when Adam reappeared. No charges were pressed although Jack Junior did try to contest the will.”

  “What?” He has lost me, again.

  “Jack Senior bequeathed a large sum of money to Adam.” My heart expands with emotion for this kind old man who cared so much for my Adam. “He also sent me a letter which was to be mailed in the event of his death. He had left money in a trust for the expense and asked that I help Adam with his disorder.”

  “He knew?” I am speechless.

  “He knew,” Carl nods in confirmation. “Patients with dissociative identity disorder are difficult to work with, in fact, more than one third of patients are unable to work at all. Jack Sullivan was incredibly fond of Adam and sympathised. Adam would have had feelings of anger and exasperation, not to mention the emotional exhaustion. Jack became aware of Kyle and Simon, although he never met Jacob.” He smiles fondly, and then, at my enquiring look, “Jack Sullivan Senior was my father’s best friend in the navy. They maintained contact right up until the day he died.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  I am not sure what else to say and Carl chuckles, obviously aware of my discomfort.

  “Thank you.” And before you go judging Kyle too harshly,” he adds, “Jack Sullivan Junior is a jerk.”

  He takes a sip of tea and gestures at my untouched sandwich and my own tea which has probably gone cold by now. “You should eat something, Paige; you are going to need to keep your strength up.”

  I force myself to eat half of my sandwich and drink a few sips of the cold tea. Satisfied, Doctor Sheldon nods approvingly.

  “Okay. What about the other two? Jacob and Simon?” I ask and he rubs his chin.

  “Jacob, of all the three alters, concerns me the most. He was the last identity that I came into contact with. For almost six months I believed that Adam had only Simon and Kyle to deal with. Jacob is the least dominant of the four; I have only met him a handful of times in the year that I have been treating Adam. I believe that Jacob represents the younger, child-like Adam. Although he is 24 he seems years younger.”

  “Jacob is a different age to Adam?” I ask, incredulously. Adam is two years older than me – he is twenty-seven.

  “They all have different birthdays,” Dr Sheldon explains, “Jacob was born on the sixth of September 1989, when Adam was four years old.” He pauses, watching me intently.

  “You mean?” I'm not sure if I am following him but he nods encouragingly.

  “I believe that Jacob was born on the exact day that the trauma occurred in Adam’s life; the day that something so terrible and so unbearable happened, that Adam dissociated in order to be able to cope; to be able to survive.” He gazes out of the window as though lost in thought and I am grateful for the moment to collect my own thoughts and bring my emotions in check.

  “Jacob has a very dark side to him, one that leads me to believe that he represents all the pain and hurt that Adam experienced as a child,” Dr Sheldon continues as though no time has passed. “The initial trauma that caused Adam to develop other identities in the first place is borne by Jacob. He carries the burden so that Adam and the others don’t have to, so that they can lead normal lives. He is very sensitive and very troubled. He is also extremely difficult to counsel as he tends to flee from any confrontation, so the minute he gets uncomfortable talking about anything he withdraws, allowing one of the other identities to take over.”

  “Is he gay?” I can’t help asking and Doctor Sheldon laughs softly.

  “No, Paige. He isn’t gay. None of them are. And none of them are psychotic or aggressive enough to be classified as dangerous. They are just different. Each one of them is a completely separate identity. Think of it as four people inhabiting the same body.”

  “You mentioned that Kyle is aware of Adam?” I ask, changing the subject. There is so much to digest.

  “Yes. And Adam is aware of Kyle. Adam, being the host personality, is aware of all three other identities. He does not know them personally; he experiences a complete blackout when any of them are in control, but I have told him in great detail about them.”

  “What does he think of them?” I ask, my curiosity getting the better of me.

  “He feels sorry for them, as we do. He pities Jacob and even Simon, to an extent,” he pauses and a rare smile crosses his face. “He doesn’t like Kyle. He says he doesn’t need protecting and that Kyle sounds like an asshole.”

  I laugh, despite myself, and it turns into a sob.

  “I’m sorry. This must be very difficult for you,” Carl says, placing a hand on my arm reassuringly. I wonder if he is going to try and counsel me too and I put my head in my hands.

  “What about Jacob? Is he aware of the others?”

  “It’s hard to say as he refuses to discuss it. I believe that he is aware of them but he does not want to acknowledge them. He is afraid; he knows there is something wrong with him but he is terrified to confront it.” He seems to hesitate, as though he is wondering whether he should continue. “I think that Jacob is the secret-keeper, Paige. He’s the one with the answers. I believe that he is the key to unlocking Adam’s early childhood.”

  “Jesus,” I breathe. I'm so overwhelmed and wonder if I will be able to deal with all of this. I need someone to hold me. I need someone who makes me feel safe and loved and who makes me forget about the rest of the world. I sigh. I need Adam. I sit up straight and push my shoulders back. I will not lose him. No way.

  “Tell me about Simon.” I’m relieved to hear that my voice is sounding stronger.

  “Simon is an intellectual, quite a snooty academic. He is very inquisitive and demands to know all the facts about his condition. I should warn you; he also believes that he is the original personality and is quite eager to work with me to integrate the others so that he is the only one left. He believes it is his life to reclaim not Adam’s.”

  “Can he do that?” I recoil in horror. “Can he lock Adam out?”

  Doctor Sheldon puts a warm hand on my arm.

  “No, dear. He might be able to hold Adam back for a period at any given time, but ultimately the psychotherapy will integrate all the personalities and the original will always be the one that remains.”

  I heave a sigh of relief.

  “How do you integrate them?” I ask.

  “It’s complicated, but basically it’s a combination of psychotherapy and hypnosis. I plan to get aggressive with Adam this time around. I need to get to the trauma, the root of his problem. It’s the only way we are going to merge all four identities suc
cessfully and with any chance of permanence. With Adam in a hypnotic state, we ask each different personality to emerge and introduce himself to Adam, to make Adam aware of his existence. The personalities will then be asked to help Adam recall the traumatic experiences or memories that originally triggered the development of the new personalities. This is important; it enables the patient to experience the emotions associated with the traumatic memories. We then explain to Adam that while these additional personalities originally served a purpose, there are alternative coping strategies available now and he no longer needs them. The final steps involve piecing together the events and memories of all four personalities, integrating them, and then continuing therapy to help Adam adjust to his new self.” He waves his hand at the hostess who is standing at the front of our aisle smiling demurely around at all the passengers.

  “A bottle of water, please,” Doctor Sheldon glances across at me.

  “Two, please,” I confirm and then turn my attention back to him. “And this will work? Adam will be Adam and he and I can be together. Just the two of us?”

  Doctor Sheldon laughs.

  “In a nutshell, yes, but it is a massive commitment from your side, not a decision to be made lightly. You cannot abandon Adam down the line because it becomes too hard for you or too much effort,” he cautions. “Adam was responding very well to treatment. Many patients are able to obtain a full recovery but only a few can maintain it. Without continued therapy, even after the personality has become fused, a patient will often dissociate again. It is imperative that we ensure that Adam remains in therapy for the rest of his life, even once he’s recovered. A partner who is willing to ensure that happens is obviously an invaluable asset.” He peers at me out of the corner of his eye and I frown in consternation. Am I Adam’s partner? A month ago we were engaged. Yesterday we were enemies. Now I feel that I barely know him.

  I think of Jack Sullivan Senior. He worked side by side with Adam for five years. He knew two of his alternate personalities and he got along with them both. He trusted Adam enough to leave him a huge portion of his wealth. Even Jack Junior didn’t press charges against Adam; a sure sign that as much as they disagreed he didn’t despise him. Doctor Sheldon obviously cares for him too. I feel suddenly impatient. I need to see him. I need to see him and we can figure things out from there.

  Chapter 7

  By the time our plane finally touches down in Manhattan my nerves are getting the better of me. I force myself to take deep, calming breaths as we collect our luggage from the carousel. Strangely it is not Adam who dominates my thoughts, but Kevin. I can’t help but wonder what he would think of this mess and what advice he would give me. I am pretty sure he would tell me to follow my heart, and seeing as though Adam now possesses my whole heart, Kevin would probably be cheering me on from the sidelines right about now. I close my eyes and whisper, “I miss you” allowing myself one brief moment of self-pity and then I hoist my battered suitcase off of the conveyor, forcing myself to put all negative thoughts aside and focus on the positive. Kevin is gone but Adam is alive and he is going to get the help that he needs. He is still Adam. He still loves me and I love him; that is all that matters. The rest we will deal with.

  Doctor Sheldon notices me shivering.

  “I’m so sorry, Paige,” he apologises, “I should have warned you about the temperature difference. California winters are much warmer. You must be freezing.” He glances down at my utterly inappropriate three-quarter pants and beaded sandals sympathetically.

  “It’s not your fault,” I stammer, pulling a cardigan from my holdall, “I should have remembered.”

  Christmas is only six weeks away and winter is almost upon us. New York is freezing and it is only going to get colder. I need to get myself a decent coat urgently. I set my watch forward three hours. It is 4 o’clock in the afternoon, New York time. Carl has asked if I would like to rest and go and see Adam in the morning, but I shake my head emphatically. I will see Adam today; I cannot wait a minute longer than is absolutely necessary.

  We catch a cab to the Bed and Breakfast that Doctor Sheldon has booked me into. It is quaint and pretty with a beautiful green lawn, and the owners, Mr and Mrs Bass, are retired. He was a surgeon and she was a nursing aide. I smile at them both and then gratefully accept Mrs Bass’s offer to show me to my room. I dig in my suitcase for a change of clothes and take a quick, hot shower; the jets of heat stinging my freezing skin, waking me up and clearing my head. I pull on a pair of denims and a peach jersey top that Adam loves. Thankfully I brought my brown leather boots. I brush my teeth and tie my hair back in a ponytail. Pulling on two pairs of socks, I zip up my boots and I am ready to go in under 20 minutes. Carl, waiting downstairs, looks suitably impressed. He is old friends with the Bass family, having gone to the same college as Mr Bass. They politely end their conversation, but, as we prepare to leave, Mrs Bass gives a shriek of protest, rushes to the closet in the hall and bundles me into the warmest, cosiest sheepskin coat. I try to object, but she is insistent and so I thank her profusely and then, before I know it, we are standing back at the car. The doctor hands me the keys.

  “This car will be for your use only for the duration of your stay,” he remarks, catching me off guard. Not wanting to show how nervous I am about driving around an unknown city and possibly losing the freedom of having a car, I settle confidently into the driver’s seat.

  Five minutes later Carl is visibly wincing as I grind the gears noisily.

  “I really appreciate it,” I say, smiling apologetically at him, surprised at his excellent taste. Manhattan is renowned for its lack of private car ownership and its excessive use of public transportation. The majority of Manhattan households do not own a car. The small, sporty silver Audi is gorgeous, far more expensive than my own little Chevy, one of the perks of being a medical professional, I suppose. The interior is so luxurious that I am nervous to touch anything for fear of leaving fingerprints all over the gorgeous stainless trim.

  “I’m normally a really good driver, I just have to get used to the gearshift. Back home I drive an automatic,” I add, by way of explanation and he smiles.

  “You don’t have to apologise to me, Paige, it’s not my car. It’s Adam’s, although he never drives it, it wouldn’t be safe, in light of his condition,” he informs me calmly and I nearly veer off the road in surprise.

  “Sorry,” I mutter, trying to imagine Adam cruising around Manhattan in this sexy car. I can picture it only too well and I grin at the thought. I also now automatically adore the Audi, knowing that it belongs to him.

  Dr Sheldon says nothing more, speaking only when he needs to direct me, and all too soon we pull into the Joan Hart Institute. My stomach is in my mouth as we park in Doctor Sheldon’s parking bay and walk through the doctors' entrance at the back of the building. My heart is beating so hard and so fast I feel like it might burst from my chest. We make our way down two corridors and then the doctor stops outside a plain white door.

  “Are you ready?” he asks and I nod. I feel like I have been waiting forever to see Adam again. Dr Sheldon pushes open the door and I see him lying on the bed, reading. He glances up at me, recognition crossing his face and he swings his legs off the bed. He is so beautiful, his blue eyes warm and familiar and his curly black hair slightly longer than I remember.

  “You need a haircut,” I hear myself say and I giggle nervously.

  Adam grins wickedly, his gaze travelling up and down my body and I feel suddenly shy in front of the doctor. Turning to assess his reaction, I see a brief look of surprise on his face, before his usual deadpan expression settles back in place. I follow his gaze and see that Adam is still staring at me.

  ‘Well,” he finally breaks the silence and I notice that his voice is slightly deeper than normal, “it’s nice to see that you’ve stopped screaming, pretty lady.” He winks at me and, in the blink of an eye, I realise that this is not Adam. I am officially meeting Kyle for the first time.

  My head
is whirling with different thoughts and I suddenly wish that I had asked Carl what I should do in this situation. As it is, I am completely unprepared and there is no way that he can offer me any advice now. I take a deep breath, tell myself that this will serve as my 'something scary' for the month of November and take a step forward, my arm outstretched.

  “It’s nice to meet you,” I say confidently, “I’m Paige.” Kyle takes my hand and lifts it to his lips.

  “Kyle,” he inclines his head arrogantly and then turns his attention to the doctor.

  “What’s up, Doc?” he grins. “Long time no see.” Doctor Sheldon steps forward and shakes his hand quite calmly.

  “Nice to see you again, Kyle. Where has Adam gone off to?”

  “Aw shucks, Doc. You know, you might want to stop asking about him, I might start to think he’s your favourite.” He tilts his head to wink at me.

  “Kyle you know I have no favourites,” Carl chides, “but could I speak to Adam?” he continues. “This lady has come a long way to see him.” He gestures at me. Kyle bites his bottom lip as though considering, then he shakes his head and addresses me directly.

  “He’s so boring, darling. Why don’t you have a visit with me, instead?”

  I can see that the doctor is about to intervene but I feel the need to understand more of how this works and I very discreetly shake my head at him.

  “Sure, Kyle. Why not?” I force myself to smile and then I turn to the doc, “Does he have to stay in here? Can we go outside, get a coffee, maybe?”

  I am not sure how this all works and again I find myself wishing I had asked the relevant questions before we arrived.

  “Absolutely,” the doctor answers, moving aside and allowing us to pass. Kyle offers me his hand and after a moment’s hesitation I take it. He steps confidently forward, leading the way and I glance back at Doctor Sheldon desperately unsure of how to proceed. He nods in encouragement and follows us back along the corridor, down a few stairs and out into a garden.