by Matt Musson
Stuart Sonoma was behind us in line waiting to check in for the competition. I had not seen her in two years. But, not much had changed. She was the same Stuart Sonoma that we all knew and feared.
Standing just over five feet tall, she had a very light complexion and dark eyes that were reinforced with large black eyelashes. She sported a pair of ‘scientist glasses' with heavy black rims that looked even bigger and darker than Bogdon’s. Stuart’s hair was long and dark black, and for the competition she had it in braids that stuck out from either side of her head. From out of the bottom of her white lab coat jutted leggings covered with large horizontal black and white stripes. She completed her look with a pair of black Chuck Taylor high tops.
As far as I could tell she was not armed.
Bogdon and Stuart stood eyeing each other for a few seconds and then Stuart spoke again.
“I see you've brought your band of merry men again this year,” Stuart observed with dripping sarcasm.
Without missing a beat Bogdon replied, “I am so glad to see you've recovered from your sexually transmitted disease.”
I almost swallowed my tongue at Bogdon's comment but Stuart simply raised one eyebrow. Tension hung above them like a cloud.
“Enough small talk, funny boy. I hope you brought ‘The Rule’. Because, I'm taking it home today.”
“Stuart, don't you suppose we ought to let the judges make that call?”
“Oh, they will make the call. And you can rest assured that they will be calling my number when the Catawba County Science Fair is all said and done.”
Then, Stuart Sonoma dropped a bomb that demonstrated we weren't the only ones with an intelligence network.
“After all Bogdon, if you've seen one levitating superconductor disk, you've seen them all. I'm sure by now that even Mr. Meissner would agree that effect is becoming old hat.”
“Gee,” Bogdon replied. “If only I had a Quantum Computer to assist me in designing a science fair project which is up to your high standards.”
That wiped the smile off Stuart's face. This time she really got nasty.
“Bogdon, to build a Quantum Computer you have to understand Brownian motion. And, you believe Brownian motion is when a troop of Girl Scouts go jogging!”
Bog struck back, “I'd explain my project to you Stuart, but you think a Tachyon is a sub-atomic particle which is devoid of good taste!”
“Yeah?” Stuart replied. “Well, you think that black holes are something you get in your black socks!”
“You think hyperspace is where your Mom parks the car at the superstore!” said Bogdon defiantly.
About that time the little old lady who was volunteering at the registration booth interrupted.
“Children, please! You can finish your conversation later. Right now, you are holding up the line.”
Bogdon and Stuart gave each other one final ‘look' and then we moved on to the display area.
***********
Tension still gripped us as we begin setting up our displays and experiments. Unfortunately, it encouraged Shad and Freddie to try and settle us down with some of their so-called humor.
“Hey Freddie,” said Shad as he lifted their catapult up onto the table. “What do you call a green subatomic particle with a half life of 130 million years?”
Freddie was unfolding the three sections of their display board.
“Uh, if I'm not mistaken that would be a ‘Jurassic Quark'.”
Unfortunately, they did not stop there.
“Hey Shad, if you roll a orange across the table, what physical force brings it to a halt?”
“Pulp Friction,” Shad replied, looking very pleased with himself.
“I don't understand,” Freddie continued. “If sound does not travel in a vacuum why is my Mom's vacuum so noisy?”
“I don't know” said Shad. “But how do you tell the sex of a chromosome?” asked Shad.
“That's easy” said Freddie. “Pull down its genes!”
I could not stand it any longer. At that point I played a trick of my own on the comedy duo.
“Company A of the Granite Falls Rangers, I would like to make a motion - that Shad and Freddie cease and desist with these jokes, and they don't quit their day jobs either.”
Like Pavlov's dog conditioned to respond every time a bell rang, Shad and Freddie responded without thinking.
“Second!”
“Second!”
When they realized that they had just seconded the motion to shut themselves up – the two fellows looked pretty sheepish.
That brought on wave of laughter that actually did end up breaking the tension. And, we all got back to setting up displays.
************
Chapter Twenty-Three – Getting the Lay of the Land
We quickly finished assembling our projects and decided to take a pass through the room and check out the competition. But, not all the Rangers completed the circuit.
Charlie and Thor stayed behind when they found themselves engrossed in a project designed by two Hudson cheerleaders: Peanut Gibson and Twinkle Clark. The cheerleaders, presenting in uniform, were investigating “The Effect of Reparative Treatments on the Strength of Hair Exposed to Chlorine”.
The two bleach blondes had our fellows spellbound as they recounted their scientific research, and its implications for color treated hair the world over.
Next, Freddie and Shad took off looking for the snack bar.
So, Toby, Bogdon and I were left to ourselves. We were headed over to see the comedy science show put on by the State Museum of Natural Science, when suddenly a commotion broke out.
A Biological Science exhibitor was setting up her experiment exploring the effect of temperature on the chirping cycle of crickets. Unfortunately, the plastic lid popped off the small terrarium she was using to display her test subjects. The little insects were scurrying everywhere.
I considered breaking into a chorus of ‘When you wish upon a star' like Jiminy Cricket sang in Pinocchio. But, I decided that would be adding insult to injury. Instead, I got down on my knees with some other competitors and we chased crickets for the next several minutes.
It was really pretty fun sliding under tables and grabbing at crickets that would hop away just as you thought you had them cornered. And, it also kind of tickled when they bounced around in your cupped hands as you carried them back to their little glass enclosure. Of course there were those females in the crowd, (and a few males) who would let out a screech when they looked down to see a cricket crawling up their leg.
We were all having a great time until Toby popped out from between two tables and ran smack into Yogi Stinkmeyer!
Yogi Stinkmeyer was walking down the aisle gingerly carrying a cardboard box about chin high. The box contained his science fair project: a potato powered digital clock. (You may or may not know that you can power a digital clock using two baking potatoes, two galvanized nails and some copper wire.)
Anyway, when Toby ran into Yogi it was kind of like a mouse running into an elephant. He literally bounced off the massive teenager. Yogi probably weighs 250 lbs. before breakfast.
Toby realized instantly that he had just offended the biggest, meanest bully in all four Caldwell County Middle Schools, and that he was flirting with a painful death. Thinking fast and falling back on his Tai Kwan Do training, Toby utilized the energy from the collision to flop himself back to the floor. He then rolled under the table before Yogi got a good view of who had just run into him. Luckily, for Toby, there were still plenty of helpful students crawling around looking for crickets to blend in with.
Yogi Roared!
“Which one of you little meat heads ran into me? When I get my hands on you, I'm going to twist your neck until I can use it for a shoelace! This is a delicate scientific instrument here!”
Yogi lowered his potato clock and looked around. However, there was no sign of his attacker. So, he let out a great big “Humph” and kept on walking
.
Because there is safety in numbers and partly to disappear in the crowd, Toby, Bogdon and I went onto the Science show put on by the state museum of Natural History. I was even a volunteer from the audience touching the giant Van de Graff generator that threw 8 inch sparks and made my hair stand straight up. The whole thing was a lot of fun and educational to boot.
After the show, we returned to the exhibition hall / cafeteria and an unexpected sight. The exhibit spaces besides Bog's project were empty when we walked off. Now they were occupied. Stuart Sonoma was on his left. Yogi Stinkmeyer was on his right.
Bogdon returned to his post with some apprehension. But, realizing the Honor of Granite Falls was in his hands, he attempted to make the best of a bad situation.
************
Chapter Twenty-Four – Unexpected Hero
“Birds?” Stuart Sonoma asked in shocked disbelief. “Your science fair project is on birds?”
Bogdon replied.
“Yes, Stuart. Scientists have long theorized that migratory birds use some sort of internal compass for navigation on their long flights. So, I have built a superconducting quantum interference device – I call it a SQUID. It consists of two superconductors separated by thin insulating layers to form parallel Josephson Junctions. With this device I can detect the magnetic fields of living organisms. I am using my device to measure the magnetic fields of homing pigeons. Then I measure the fields of regular pigeons. My hypothesis is that homing pigeons must have a more powerful internal magnet in order to navigate more precisely. I decided that a practical application of advanced physics might be a novel enough change to catch the judge's eye. ”
“I can't believe it,” Stuart indicted Bogdon dismissively. “I never expected YOU of all people to sink to the level of an experiment with a practical application!”
Following the exchange, Bogdon, Stuart and Yogi all sat quietly beside their exhibits for several minutes. However, it finally registered with Yogi that his Potato Clock was no longer displaying the time. The collision with Toby had indeed broken his ‘delicate scientific instrument'.
“Oh, Great!” Yogi exclaimed. “This stupid clock is out of order. I guess my potato batteries have run down. I knew I should have gotten the russets!”
He went on to no one in particular, “Now, Mrs. Speagle won't give me my extra credit. I won't pass Science. And, I'll spend another year in middle school. ”
“Why do bad things happen to good people?” he moaned loudly.
Suddenly, the giant Yogi had an idea. He looked over at Bogdon and spoke.
“Hey you. Smart kid. Is there a way to recharge my potatoes before the judging? There's gotta be some batteries in one of these science fair projects. I'm sure I can persuade the owners to lend ‘em to me for the competition.”
Yogi posed a question.
“What do you think? Can we rig up some little potato jumper cables and get my clock running again?”
Bog considered carefully before speaking. He realized that saying the wrong thing to the immense bully could result in his being smashed like a Dixie cup.
“Well, while I am not sure of the practicality of ‘potato jumper cables', I do believe that the project can be salvaged by reconstituting current flow into the contact points of the clock. Your problem is most likely a loose connection or a certain amount of corrosion on the exterior surface of your nails. ”
“I tell you what,” said Yogi. “If you can get my clock running – I'll make someone buy you a soda.”
Bogdon responded, “That’s certainly a generous offer. However, it is entirely unnecessary.”
Bog stepped over beside the Yogi and examined the potato clock. Out of his pocket he pulled a stainless steel multi-tool and extended the file component. He quickly removed the nail from one potato and scuffed the surface with his file. After stabbing the first nail back into the potato – he repeated the procedure with the nail from the second potato.
Bogdon flipped the multi-tool back around to its pliers’ configuration and used them to reconnect and tighten all the copper wire connections. Then, he reattached the alligator clips to the clock contact points. In about 45 seconds total, Bog had the clock blinking ‘9:99' again.
“You're back online,” Bogdon said. “All you need to do is reset the time, and you are good to go.”
“Reset the time?” Yogi complained. “Gosh. Why do I always get the hard jobs?”
But, Yogi applied himself to the task. Within about ten minutes he had the clock displaying the approximate time, although he had not quite figured out the AM/PM indicator.
************
As time wore on Yogi became board just waiting for the judges, so he tried to start up a conversation.
“You smart kids… You've got it easy. You go to class and do your homework and just glide through life. You have no idea the pressures that are on a ‘challenged' student like myself.”
Bogdon had sense enough not to respond. Unfortunately, Stuart Sonoma felt compelled to throw in her two cents.
“Oh yeah. It's a hard knock life,” she agreed. “First you have to beat up all those sixth graders for their lunch money. Then you have to give out a swirlie, stuff some poor kid into his locker and still find time to force someone to take your accelerated reader test. How do you handle the burdens?”
Then she stepped way over the line.
“It's no wonder you're the oldest living middle schooler in Caldwell County history.”
Yogi was taken aback by Stuart's comments. He was not used to being confronted about his extracurricular activities.
“Hey, Pippi Longstockings. Why don't you shut your mouth – before I decide to shut it for you?”
But Stuart did not let up, “Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Like Jabba the Hut!”
Yogi was agitated now.
“I can't believe this. You try to be a nice guy. You try to take the high road. Then you run into some loud mouthed cheap shot artist. And, they always make fun of the weight. They look right past the fact that I'm big boned. They ignore that possibility I might have an under active thyroid. Maybe I even have a family history. They just go straight for the fat boy jokes. And, they are soo funny. Har de har har.”
Yogi reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. Searching the inside section, he pulled out a small red and white card and held it out to show Stuart.
“There it is Smarty pants. There's my Weight Watchers membership card. It just so happens that as of my last weigh in, I have already lost two and a quarter pounds. Furthermore, for your information, Ms. Critical, I am walking the football field every day after lunch. Hey, I know I have a weight problem. But, at least I'm doing something about it. Not like you! ”
“What do you mean ‘like you'? I don't have a weight problem,” Stuart responded.
“No. You don't have a weight problem. You've got a smart girl problem.”
Yogi elaborated.
“Oh sure. You can get blue ribbons and stuff at the science fair. You get A's on your report cards. Heck, you probably even read above a 4th grade level. But the reality is you are… PLAIN!”
The word hung in the air and Stuart's mouth fell open.
But, Yogi was not finished yet! He was wound up and he just kept on firing away.
“That's right. You're plain and everyone here knows it! You do all this math and science stuff to compensate for plainness. You are plain, and you are always going to plain. Plain Jane! So congratulations. You're going to be the smartest girl at the stag table at the senior prom. Maybe your Mom will buy you a corsage to go with your lab coat!”
Bogdon stood stunned. It was perhaps the most painful episode he had ever witnessed. He was almost too embarrassed for Stuart to look over at her. However, he finally did.
Stuart was standing there. Her mouth was closed, and she was not moving. Except there was a struggle underlying her passivity. Her lip began to tremble and slowly a tear welled up in her eye
. She closed both eyes in an attempt to shut out the world, but one by one the tears dripped from her face and down on to her lab coat. And, now the trembling spread to her entire body.
That's when Bogdon Peabody did what was simultaneously the most heroic and most idiotic thing he had ever done in his entire life. He reached over with an open hand and slapped Yogi Stinkmeyer right across the face.
Yogi was stunned.
Bogdon was stunned.
And, when Stuart Sonoma opened her eyes and realized what had just taken place – the last trace of her self control dissolved. She erupted in tears and ran sobbing for the girl's room.
Yogi turned to Bogdon. “You're a dead man, squirt. I guess you're not as smart as you look.”
Yogi began advancing on Bog, when a teacher from Hudson came over to see what the disturbance was about.
“What's going on here?” she demanded. “Why was that girl crying?”
Surprisingly Yogi replied quickly and with a convincing cover story.
“Uh. I believe she's having problems with her experiment,” he replied. “It's probably just nerves.”
“Well it looked like more than just nerves to me,” the teacher said. “I am warning you boys. I'm going to keep my eyes on you. I better not see any more trouble over here, or I am going to start removing people from the competition.”
And she walked off.
As soon as the coast was clear, Yogi turned to Bogdon. With a big smile on his face and the appearance of friendship, he spoke through his clenched teeth.
“Meet me in band room at 5:00. We are going to settle this then. And don't even think about not showing. It's going to be much worse if I have to come looking for you.”
Still smiling brightly, Yogi walked off down the aisle.
************
Chapter Twenty-Five – Bogdon’s Last Stand
It took about 35 seconds for the story to shoot through every kid in the school. Bogdon Peabody was fighting Yogi Stinkmeyer at 5 o'clock.
Within minutes, kids were lining up to shake Bogdon's hand, congratulate him and offer their condolences. There was certainly not a person in the building who actually believed that Bogdon had a chance against the immense bully. They all accepted that Bogdon was doomed.