The Love You Hate: A Charge Man Novel (The Charge Men Series Book 1)

by Rachel Robinson

  Sighing, I say, “I’m reading it all wrong.” It was something I should have said in my head instead of out loud.

  “You shouldn’t have to read anything, Presley. Why don’t you talk to him?”

  A lump swells in my throat. Because I don’t want to be abandoned or let down again. I wouldn’t survive it. “I’ve tried.” No, what I’ve done is tried to layer my sexual attraction to him on top of the actual emotions forming every second I’m around him.

  Another customer walks in and Ryan says something I don’t hear as he heads for the back ovens. I continue kneading dough, a morose demeanor for the rest of the morning. The goal never should have been to make him fall in love with me, it should have merely been to make him stay. In any capacity. Nate serves the customer a quick cup of coffee and a bagel, and he gazes over his shoulder for the first time today.

  He smiles a meek, mouthwatering smile and mouths the word ‘hi.’ It affects every nerve ending in my body. One dumb word not even spoken. I smile back and the moment is broken by another customer walking in. Last night at my house, my hands on his strong arms, and our faces inches apart is something I can relive anytime I want, but it’s not enough. I blow out a breath and bring a tray of dough back to Ryan. He grabs it from me and asks if I can make some Danish pastries next. I nod and spend the rest of the morning watching Nate work, trying to scheme ways to make him stay.

  ****

  Spankies was just as scary as Nate said it would be. When he left quickly after our shift was over, without so much as saying goodbye, I decided to leave him alone, thinking I came on too strong and his indifference is my penance. Surely, he’ll talk to me when he’s ready. I really doubt he’ll leave town without saying something to me. If he does, I think my stupid heart might break a bit. A dancer named Skye gave me matching lace scraps to wear for my audition. Well, she sold them to me for a price that was double what was on the price tags, but I didn’t have an option. I didn’t bring anything else and evidently you don’t just parade around naked from the get-go, it’s a process. Guess I should have researched, but I mean, I’ve never even been inside a strip club, let alone try to gain employment at one.

  The interview was with a seedy man named Todd in one of the back rooms of Spankies. There was a pole in the corner that I swung around like a baby deer trying to walk for the first time, and well, Nate was also right. He hired me before I removed the thong or bra, which is a good thing because I was sweating thinking about removing them with him alone. I thought an audition in a back room might mean he wants to audition me in ways I wouldn’t agree to, and God knows how that would have turned out. Todd smiled, flashing his lack of teeth on the bottom row, told me I could start next week, and told me the rules. No boyfriends in the club. No real drinking while working, if someone buys us a drink it is made virgin. No stealing, and Todd gets forty percent of any money I make in the back rooms. Which makes him my pimp, I guess. I didn’t tell him I don’t plan to go into the back rooms at all… ever, because he doesn’t know this is just a check mark on my redo bucket list, not gainful employment I expect to keep for the rest of my life.

  I went home after, my whole body shaking with nerves and anticipation. Then I tried to get the internet to work so I could research tomato fertilizer and how to spin on a stripper pole. When it didn’t work, I decided to drive over to Nate’s cabin. Internet is a valid excuse, but honestly, I missed having him around today. My hands are sweating on my steering wheel as I try to steel my nerves to knock on his door. He knows I’m here because the dirt road makes a loud crunching sound and I’m parked right next to his side door. Instead of going inside, I walk down the path that cuts around to the back garden. He’s out there messing with the sprinklers.

  “Hey,” I call out.

  “I heard a car,” Nate says, standing to face me. “What are you up to?”

  I swallow hard. God, he is handsome. His smile is wider than I’ve ever seen it and I’m not imagining it, I’m not, his eyes lit up when he saw it was me. “I was wondering if I could borrow some internet to do research.”

  His teeth sparkle as his smile stretches farther still. “Sure, on what?”

  “Tomato fertilizer, and uh, some exercising tips and tricks.”

  Nate strides toward me, large body swaggering, drawing my gaze everywhere it shouldn’t be. “I don’t want to come off aloof, but I’m probably more informational than the internet when it comes to both of those things.”

  I grin. It’s the easiest way to conceal my attraction. “I’d love to see you teach me how to do a flying spiral on a pole, but, I’m not sure your body is made for that.”

  His face changes like it does every time I bring up Spankies and my heart races. It’s something that resembles jealousy at the very least. “Follow me and I’ll give you the laptop.”

  “The plants look good. What are you doing with the sprinklers?”

  He clears his throat. “Putting them on a timer,” he says, peering over his shoulder as I follow him up the narrow staircase to his deck.

  Just ask him, you scaredy-cat, I think. “Ryan said you took time off to go out of town.” There, blame Ryan.

  Nate nods. “Yeah, family emergency of sorts. I’ll be back in a few days give or take. I leave in the morning.”

  I follow, keeping my head down as we enter the house. “I hope everything is okay,” I say, prodding for more information.

  He’s biting his lip when he turns to hand me the laptop. Not his usual laptop, it’s a different one. “My cousin is sick.” After he says it, he looks like he wishes he didn’t. “I need to say goodbye.” And, now I feel like a complete heel. It’s obvious he’s telling the truth. There isn’t another woman he’s going to see, or at least if there is, it’s not the main reason for his visit.

  “I’m so sorry, Nate. That’s rough news.”

  He nods and doesn’t look at me. “Will you promise not to work at Spankies until I get back?”

  I nod, because at this point, I’d agree to anything because of how downtrodden he looks. “I don’t start until next week anyway, but why?”

  He doesn’t hide the ferocious protective glint in his eyes. “I want to be there for you, and I think you want me to be there, too.”

  He’s not wrong, but also there’s this mysterious air I can’t ignore. “Nate, are you going to be okay?”

  That gets his attention. “I’m fine. This is just part of the ugly facts of life. Good men die all the time.” He sits down in a chair across the room from me. His head snaps up. “You’re going to be okay while I’m gone, right?”

  I chuckle. “You act like you alone are responsible for my well-being, Nate. Don’t worry about me. Worry about your cousin... and saying goodbye. I’m a grown adult, fully capable of taking care of myself.”

  “Your face says otherwise,” Nate drawls, gaze studying the wounds on my face. I’m letting them breathe after covering them all morning at the bakery. Todd didn’t say a thing about the bandages. It was so strange that I felt compelled to apologize for my face, and explain what happened. It was obvious Todd didn’t believe it was a roller skating accident, and that made me even more uneasy.

  “It’s a scratch,” I say, trying to joke as I open the laptop and pull up a browser. I can feel his eyes burning a hole through my face as I sort through videos of pole dancers who make everything look effortless. “For the record, pole dancing is hard. Like Olympic sport kind of hard.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure it is,” he says. I don’t look up because I can’t meet his eyes when the energy rolling off him is so ominous and alpha. It makes my stomach quiver. The videos are playing and I’m watching, but I’m not seeing them, nor am I learning a damn thing. I close the lid, and stare at it for several seconds.

  Steeling my nerves, I meet his gaze. My breaths are coming rapid as I realize I have to ask him—I need to know. “If the circumstances were different, would you want me?”

  He shakes his head and my s
tomach flips, but then he says. “I want you now. In these circumstances and I’m not supposed to, Presley.” Hopefully the abrasions covering my face cover the blush. “I want you more than I’ve wanted anything else. I want you every second of the day, when I’m with you and when I’m not, but you need to know that I will never act on it. It’s for your best interest.” My breathing races as I let his words sink in, but the way his steely gaze is boring through to my soul makes it seem like he’s lying. Like, despite what he’s saying, he wants me now and he’s going to act on it. Selfishly, I hope he does. “Wanting, deserving, and being what’s best for our lives are all totally separate entities. This time away will be good for me. For you. For us.”

  When I go to respond, I croak instead. Clearing my throat, I start again. “Wow. Okay. I’m not sure how to respond.”

  He shakes his head. “Please don’t respond. Don’t bring this up again. Just let this die as I’m going to as well. Attraction can and will die. I know it can.” By the look on his face, I know it can, I just don’t know why he wants it to.

  “Why? Why would it be bad if we’re together? I like you. More than like while we’re being honest. We have chemistry even though sometimes it boils over, and other times it sizzles. We like the same things and care about each other.” I pull my shoulders back. “That much I’m certain of.”

  He stands. “We have a friendship. That’s all we have.” Nate stands in front of me. “Do you understand, Presley?”

  “How can I not when you’re the one giving the orders? So much for it being a joint decision. Maybe I don’t want friendship then. If you’re going to put parameters on what we can and cannot be or do and won’t give reasons, that’s not something I want to be part of.”

  “You don’t understand. You can never understand, because there are things about me that will never make sense.”

  “Help me make sense of them then,” I reply, but he’s already shaking his head.

  He turns and runs his hands through his hair. “What else is on your list?”

  “How does that have anything to do with our conversation?”

  Closing his eyes, he faces away from me. “It gives me something to focus on.”

  I’m so irritated, and unused to be being brushed off. “Make your own damn list and stop worrying about mine.”

  He holds his arms out to the sides. “I don’t have a list. I can’t have a list!” he explodes, and it seems out of context. He’s more upset than he should be right now for reasons he’s not sharing.

  He’s pacing away from me but spins to come back.

  “That’s dumb. Of course, you can have a list,” I say, when he’s in front of me. “I’m going to go. Thanks for the internet. I won’t let the garden die while you’re gone.”

  “No,” Nate growls. “No. Don’t come here while I’m away. I set up the sprinklers to water the garden. You don’t have to come over here for anything. Take the laptop, it has a built-in internet connection.” His face softens when he realizes how emotional he’s being. “This isn’t about you. I’m sorry. I’m upset about Felix.”

  “Felix?” I ask, a tentative poke to gain knowledge about anything about him.

  He tilts his head up to the ceiling. “I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up,” he whispers, inhaling and exhaling deeply. Once he finishes his mantra a few more times he sits back down. “Felix is my cousin. He’s the one dying.” His neck works down a swallow. “We were close growing up and then I left for… the military, and I haven’t stayed in contact like I should, and I haven’t visited home like I should, and I’m feeling like an asshole. I’m always too busy.”

  “I’m so sorry, but Nate, why aren’t you at home instead of in Gold Hawke? You’re not that busy. You could have been spending time with him instead of being here.” I wave my arm around. He stares at me blankly, but doesn’t say a word. “I’m sorry,” I say again. “What is he sick with?”

  Something flickers in his eyes when I mention the sickness. “You really want to know? It’s real depressing shit.”

  I nod even though I’m not sure if I want to know. “An autoimmune disease that is one-hundred-percent treatable.” He exhales noisily. “When Lexington Pharmaceuticals closed due to the Lexington scandal, they stopped making the one and only drug that can help Felix.” My heart pounds and it feels like it drops all the way to my toes for a second or two. Lexington is my real surname. Lexington Pharmaceuticals was part of my dad’s empire—a huge source of his wealth. When he was found guilty, no one wanted to touch his businesses for fear of either eventual retribution, or dirty money and seedy business deals putting employees in danger. My dad is a powerful man. I didn’t realize the decision had been made to close it down altogether. The ramifications. The penance the world has to pay. There isn’t a corner that my father’s bad dealings haven’t touched.

  “They have to make the drug somewhere else,” I say, breathless. “They have to.” Tears sneak out and slide down my face. Nate won’t know the real reason I’m sobbing is because Felix’s demise and who knows how many others are on my hands. Not really, but might as well be. I was primed to take over parts and pieces of the business one day. I would have tried to make it right when I realized how dirty it was, but it would have been me. “Jesus, I’m so sorry,” I say again, hanging my head in my hands. When I look up, Nate is staring at me. “What’s it called? What’s the drug that he needs?”

  Nate smiles meanly. “You have some underground dealer connection, Presley? Don’t bother, it’s over for Felix. He’s not going to make it. It’s been too long without it.”

  “What’s it called?” I ask again, stronger this time, an aggression in my tone Nate has yet to hear. “And what is Felix’s last name? Tell me his address.”

  My stomach flips, and I get a little dizzy when I think about my dad and my former life. It’s been so long that I’ve been in this pure, hellhole, that I’m not even sure I’ll be able to get what I need, but I’ll regret not trying to help Nate, and I know that as a fact.

  “Listen, if you want to help me out, I’d appreciate if you didn’t maim your face, piss off Rayleen, or do anything stupid while I’m away. I want you to be safe when I return.”

  “Nate, you can either tell me what I want to know, or I’ll figure it out by myself. The means of the second option probably won’t be on the up-and-up.” He tells me quickly, so quickly I know he doesn’t think I’ll remember. I do, though. It’s one thing I’ll never forget.

  Nate stands wearily. “I shouldn’t have told you about Felix.” He shakes his head.

  “Friends confide in each other. If that’s what you’re so hell-bent on us being, you’re going to need to open up way more than that, Nate.”

  “Thanks. I mean, thanks for listening. I don’t have anyone to talk to about… pretty much anything.”

  “What about your family?” I fire back. It sounds like they’re alive, well, and living peacefully somewhere else without him. “Where are they?”

  “Montana,” Nate says. “I’ve broken the communication line with them. Not on purpose, just being away for long periods of time and life in general. Plus, I’m not the talking kind of man.”

  “Do you also have a cell phone I can borrow along with this laptop? One that will get service no matter where I’m at?”

  Nate lifts one brow. “Where are you going to go?”

  “My tin can. I want to be able to call out if I need help.”

  “You won’t need help,” Nate says, and it seems like he believes it. “I have an old phone that you can use. It gets service.” He walks into the guest room and comes out with it. He hands it to me. “You have to press this code before you dial out, do you understand?” he asks, showing me a six-digit code in the notes section.

  “What happens if I don’t press it first?”

  “The call won’t be… private,” he replies, gaze shifting away from me.

  I clear my throat. “Why do I always feel l
ike there’s something you’re not telling me. Like a big something, something I’d be pissed about?”

  “Maybe I should tell you then. At least it would piss you off and then I wouldn’t have to worry about wanting to… kiss you.”

  I smirk. “You act like a kiss would kill you.” I slip the phone into my bag and pick up the laptop. “I’m lethal, but my tongue isn’t poison.”

  Nate slams his eyes closed and shakes his head. “Can we not talk about your tongue please? What I’m not telling you is something that keeps you safe. Okay?”

  As if I wasn’t scared enough by the thought of having to talk to contacts from my old life, but now it’s like Nate knows I’m about to jump in dangerous waters. “Don’t worry about my safety. Go to Felix.” The lump in my throat gets even bigger. “I’m going to fix this.”

  “Fix what?” he says, brows furrowing. “You alone are going to bring back big pharma? Felix isn’t the only one dying. Thousands of people have already died since it went down.” He’s not using my father’s name and for that I’m grateful. “This isn’t fixable, and surely it’s not fixable by you.”

  “You don’t know me, Nate. You don’t. I let you have your secrets without question because I also have mine.”

  “Fine,” he says, exhaling. “Fine. I need to pack.”

  That’s my cue to leave, and I do have a ton to do now, but I’m not going to leave him. “Alright, well why don’t I get started on dinner and you can go clean up and pack or do whatever you need to do?”

  He shakes his head. “Okay.”

  “Why was that an exasperated okay instead of I’m grateful for you, Presley?”

  “You make it hard to not want you.”

  This is where I want to throw myself at him and tear off his clothes as quickly as possible, but he accused me of making things hard, so I choose another path. “Tell me exactly what I make hard, Nate Sullivan.” I wink, lick my lips and growl at him like a tiger.

  “Oh, that was your worst joke ever. Be ashamed.” Now we’re back on familiar footing. “There are leftovers you can heat up in the fridge,” he says before disappearing into the bathroom. The door closes, but pops open because he didn’t latch it. This is your chance, maybe your only chance, to see him naked, the rude voice whispers from the crass side of my mind. After everything I’ve learned tonight, I’m still obsessed with Nate’s body. With seeing the parts that are always covered. It’s a little skeevy, and wrong, especially because he’s finally opening up and trusting me, but I can’t help it. If I lean against the wall adjacent to the bathroom, I can see the mirror through the slit in the door. A sliver of flesh-colored skin is visible, then another, and I recognize his neck, side of his face, and then his eyes meet mine in the mirror. I panic and flee to the kitchen like a child caught breaking a rule.