Ember

by Oates, Carol

  Candra lay back on the pillow and turned her head so she could watch him in profile. He was physically perfect, beautiful, from his ruffled hair to his perfectly symmetrical features and lean, muscled body. Inside he was far from perfect, but it was his imperfections that made her fall in love with him. She reached over to him, placing her hand over his heart and closing her eyes while she felt the strong rhythmic pulsing and steady rise and fall of his chest against it. Every beat was drawing her nearer to him and at the same time measuring disappearing time.

  “What are you doing?” Sebastian asked quietly, placing his hand over Candra’s.

  “I’m remembering you,” she explained, pushing herself up onto one elbow and looking down on him. His heart beat quickened, then slowed. “I’m sorry for waking you. It’s still early.”

  “Are you feeling better?”

  Candra shook her head and fell back onto her pillow again. Sebastian pushed himself up, essentially reversing their positions except that he didn’t attempt to grope her chest, although Candra wasn’t sure she would have minded. Instead Sebastian picked up a lock of Candra’s hair and began to absentmindedly twist it around his finger. Somehow it felt even more intimate and made her stomach clench remembering how she had kissed Draven the day before.

  “I was giving very serious consideration to not going through with this,” she admitted. “I guess I got scared that people have too much faith in me. I’m about as far from perfect as a person can get.”

  “You don’t have to be perfect. Just be yourself. Do what’s right for you,” he told her, still twisting the hair.

  “Keeping every one safe feels like the right thing and being honest with you.” Candra paused for an instant. “I have something I should probably tell you.” She grimaced, closing her eyes. She absolutely didn’t want to be looking into his face.

  Sebastian’s hand paused in its movement, and his breath hitched. “You kissed him,” he guessed with a strange hollow tone to his voice.

  Candra opened her eyes to see he was watching. A long piece of her hair was wrapped around his finger, and in the golden glow of the rising sun filtering in the window, his face was cast in shadow. Even so, she could see his eyes were tightened.

  “Technically he kissed me, but I kissed him back. It was only for a moment before I stopped him.” Candra was fully aware she was making excuses, making it seem less than it was, but at the very same time she knew the blush creeping up her neck and over her face was a dead giveaway.

  The muscle in his cheek twitched when he jaw clenched, and she could practically hear his teeth grinding before he sat up. In a movement almost too quick to follow, he swung his legs off the bed and leaned forward away from her. “Why tell me? There’s nothing I can do to stop any of this, so why tell me?” His voice was still hollow, sounding as if it was coming from far away, totally unlike the night before when he’d practically begged her not to go.

  “I thought…” Candra started, but didn’t know what to say. She was trying to be honest with him; clearly he didn’t appreciate her openness.

  “You thought maybe you’d torture me some more?”

  “No…no!” Candra exclaimed, sitting up behind him. “Why would you think that? I don’t want to lie to you. I was going to pretend it never happened, but I couldn’t do that to you. I just wanted to tell you the truth about everything. I’m sorry.”

  Sitting alone in her room for most of the evening before, she had come to the conclusion she wasn’t protecting Sebastian by pushing him away, despite a very large part of her wanting to. It didn’t do either of them any good going into the future wondering if what they had was real, and she’d resolved to tell him. She didn’t want it to be the way it was with Ivy: so many things left unsaid. Candra desperately wanted to hang onto the idea she could make Draven change his mind. She was clinging to hope by a thread at this point.

  “I’m going to take a shower,” Sebastian said without a hint of emotion, and Candra suddenly felt like an encroacher in his room.

  Tear prickled her eyes and blurred her vision as she watched him walk to the bathroom and slam the door behind him. Sebastian was a prime candidate for split personality, and Candra didn’t understand a single one of them. He didn’t like her; he did. He was affectionate one moment, closed and cold the next. She couldn’t keep up. She heard the shower turn on, and with her stomach twisting in knots, she leapt from the bed. Candra grabbed her shoes and coat from the floor and ran from the room, slamming right into Lofi.

  “Oof.” Lofi let out a loud sudden breath, holding Candra’s arms to steady herself.

  “I’m sorry.” Candra squirmed at being caught in a walk of shame. She wasn’t used to sneaking out of a guy’s room. “Are you okay?”

  Lofi released Candra’s arms and brushed herself down, checking everything was present and correct. Candra took the opportunity to wipe her face, ensuring there were no telltale tears. “I’m fine. Where are you headed in such a rush?” Lofi inquired suspiciously, crossing her arms and darting her eyes to the door Candra had just exited.

  “I’m going home. Big day today.” Candra smiled nervously.

  Lofi rubbed her hand up and down Candra’s arm reassuringly and smiled. “You are so brave. I hope you know that and understand we all appreciate what you’re doing.”

  “I do,” she answered. Her shoulders and neck muscles were so tight she thought they might spasm at any moment. She didn’t want to leave things so unfinished with Sebastian. She didn’t actually know if he was still planning to attend the ball as promised. With his ever-changing personality, it was hard to tell.

  Lofi linked her arm through hers and walked them toward the stairs. “I think maybe some girl time is in order today. How about you, me, and Brie spend some time beautifying ourselves for tonight?”

  “Oh, yeah, okay,” Candra agreed. She wasn’t sure what girl time for Lofi entailed, but if it meant spending time with Brie, she was all up for it. She hesitated on the top step with her hand on the smooth polished wood of the rail, wanting to go home and still being reluctant to leave things with Sebastian so unresolved.

  Sebastian made her so crazy. This was the last chance for them to spend time together, and he was wasting it. She didn’t even know if she would ever see him again after today. If he left the way Lofi said he would, if he didn’t show up at the ball, Candra was possibly never going to get another chance to make him see that she believed he was worth loving. She didn’t want Sebastian to believe love was a curse the way she had almost convinced herself it was. She wanted him to see that although it couldn’t work out for them, that he couldn’t just go about his life angry at everything and hiding behind his cocky grin.

  “Are you okay?” Lofi asked, leaning forward to look at Candra’s face.

  “I have to speak to Sebastian.”

  “You just left him.” Lofi giggled.

  “I forgot something. Can I meet you back at the house?”

  “Sure.” Lofi beamed. “I’ll see you later.” She pulled her arm out from Candra’s and trotted down a few steps before turning back to her. “Candra?” Her head tilted to the side a little as she gazed back at her softly.

  Candra didn’t say anything. She felt emotions catch in her throat and swallowed them down.

  “I’m sorry this isn’t working out the way any of us would have wanted. I’m sorry about Ivy, but you know there is still always hope, right?”

  “Yeah.” Candra smiled, knowing it didn’t quite reach her eyes. Her hope was fading fast.

  Chapter Eighteen

  When Sebastian came back out of the bathroom, scrubbing at his hair with a towel, Candra was sitting on his bed, facing the door and waiting. He jumped when he saw her there, clearly expecting she had left. His skin was damp, and the top button of his jeans was opened. The band darkened from the water that had seeped through, and she could plainly see from how low they hung on his hips that he wasn’t wearing underwear. Candra marveled at how she could be so mad at him an
d still find him so almost irresistibly hot.

  “I thought you left,” he observed casually and went to his dresser, pulling out a T-shirt.

  It was obvious to her that he didn’t want to deal with this now…or ever probably, but Candra couldn’t make herself entirely regret wanting to be honest. Sebastian studiously concentrated on his clothes, something Candra knew didn’t mean an awful lot to him, and presumed what he was really consumed by was her betrayal.

  He had to have fully understood it would only be a matter of time before something happened between her and Draven. In hindsight she should have told Sebastian what had happened before allowing him to take her into his bed. Candra knew him enough to fall in love. She should have known he would be angry at her admission rather than relieved by her honestly.

  “I did,” Candra said just as casually, trying desperately to drag her eyes from his tanned washboard stomach, the dents over his hips and the vein that treaded over the bone there and rose slightly from his skin. She reflexively licked her lips and curled her fingers into the covers on the bed. Suddenly everything felt so much more intense, maybe because time was short. She couldn’t help thinking back to the lazy nights spent listening to the sound of his voice under the stars and very small details they’d revealed to each other through totally non-consequential actions and conversations. Now every detail felt momentous. “I came back. I have to tell you something.”

  “Great, I can’t wait to hear it. I suppose that means you’re ready to fight again?” he muttered sarcastically, flinging his T-shirt onto the chair and turning to sit on the arm of the seat, still holding the towel in his hand.

  “Why do you want to make it so hard for me to like you? I feel like every time we move forward, you back away again,” she said, lifting her hand and slapping it down on the bed, frustrated with these games he played. They had no time for games anymore.

  Sebastian’s guarded eyes fixed on her, as if he was waiting for her to say something else.

  “Are you trying to get out of coming tonight? Is that what this is about? You promised you would be there for me.” Her heart was pounding viciously, and she could feel her pulse everywhere in her body.

  “I will be there,” Sebastian said, looking down to the towel he was turning in his hand. The muscles in his shoulders and arms tensed and flexed repeatedly like tiny tremors under his skin. “I said I would be there, and I will.” Sebastian’s voice was smooth and cold as a sheet of ice.

  Candra imagined she could have been speaking to a robot and she wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference. There was silence inside the room apart from a single heartbeat—hers. The warm fragrance that reminded her so much of home permeated the air around her and extended the moment into awkwardness when she realized it was Sebastian’s scent she associated with home now. He had become a vital part of her life.

  His sucked in a deep breath and blew it out loudly. She could hardly see his face, just the mop of blond hair still damp from his shower and his hands wringing the towel as if he was mad at it. He was mad at her and he probably had a right to be. She didn’t have the decency to refrain from being physical with Draven until after tonight.

  It was then Candra noticed she was unconsciously leaning toward him. There was a weird static energy in the room, making the air thick and heated. It was drawing her to him as if she’d been magnetized. It was so ridiculous. She felt as if she was drowning, sinking further and further into murky waters she could never escape from. Sebastian was right to believe she was torturing him and torturing herself. She couldn’t seem to help it because she was desperate to force some kind of reaction from him. She needed to hear him say this was real just once before it was over.

  Candra stood up with the intention of going toward him. She didn’t know what he thought; maybe he assumed she was leaving, because his head shot up.

  Sebastian looked angry. In fact, he looked borderline livid. His eyebrows were pulled down in a scowl, the warm air made his cheeks flush a pinkish color, and he didn’t appear to be blinking at all. Candra’s legs didn’t want to cooperate in moving. The most she could manage with the extreme effort she applied was to stagger backward until she felt the smooth wood paneling of the wall against the skin between her shoulder blades.

  Sebastian stood fluidly, and golden flecks caught the light in his eyes that otherwise seemed almost black.

  His shoulders were tensed and straight. His index finger repeatedly tapped the seam on the outside of his thigh as he stalked toward Candra, stopping a short distance away. “What do you want from me? You want me to help you, and then you want me to give up. You say we are friends, next thing you turn cold on me and treat me like I don’t exist. You kiss me, and less than a day later you’re kissing someone else,” he shouted bleakly. “I know I brought this pile of shit down on your head and I should have walked away, but I didn’t expect to feel this.” He slapped his chest with his fist, hard enough to leave a blooming red mark where his heart was. “I can’t win, no matter what I do.”

  Candra pressed her hands behind her, feeling the cool wood against her palms in sharp contrast to the rest of her overheated body. Her skin practically sizzled with the electricity between them, and her entire being ached with a deep yearning to be near to him.

  “What I feel for you isn’t hearts and roses. It is gritty and painful, full of torment and frustration and darkness,” Candra argued defiantly as she pushed forward from the wall and reached her arm straight out to brush his cheek with her fingertips, before retreating to the wall again. “But it is also beautiful in the few brief moments where we open up to each other, and it is real, isn’t it? That’s what I want you to tell me. Tell me what I’m feeling is real and that you feel it too.”

  The temptation to take the next step hung in the air around them. They could both feel it, thick like molasses. It was the apple: take one bite, and there was no going back. It seemed like forever they had been hovering on the edge of this emotional precipice, neither of them wanting to be the first one to jump.

  Sebastian lifted his hand to his face, his fingers lingering over where Candra had touched him. As if he could wipe away the temptation. Instead of lowering, his hand went straight to his hair, betraying his anxiety at the situation. He ducked his head again, turning sideway away from her. His stomach sucked in when he took a shaky breath.

  “How do you feel, Candra? Do you think it’s real?”

  “Yes. I’m in love with you,” she said in a hushed voice.

  Sebastian winced and shook his head sadly—not exactly the reaction she wanted. Well, she didn’t know what reaction she wanted because she wasn’t thinking that far ahead. Everything was happening so fast. It was like there was all this time and then it simply evaporated into thin air and was gone.

  “Then it is real because…” He stopped and winced again.

  Candra held her breath, watching him fight against whatever internal struggle was perpetually going on inside him and wrangling with his instincts to lie and protect himself. In their time together he never seemed to accept that her feelings for him were genuine. Sebastian was always second guessing himself and her. He held fast to the idea she should hate him and had spent his entire existence warring with those whose only desire was to have what she was offering—human love. Candra waited and was about to give up on the hope of ever hearing Sebastian say the words when he finally spoke.

  “Because I’m in love with you.”

  Finally he looked up and met Candra’s eyes. She flinched, and if she wasn’t already holding her breath, Sebastian would have completely taken her breath away. The passion and love practically radiated from him, and it was threatening to knock her off her feet. She battled with every cell of her body against the intense desire to run from him and keep from hurting either one of them further, rooting herself to the spot and consciously willing it away. It was a struggle Candra almost lost. She wanted this, and she didn’t. She was afraid of the feeling inside her being so strong
and overwhelming that she would risk a war for Sebastian. He didn’t move. He didn’t budge an inch and when she balked; he remained waiting. After a few moments, Candra began to feel braver than she knew she had a right to, and gingerly took one small step, bringing her closer to him.

  Sebastian’s fierce eyes focused on her. She was hypnotized by him and couldn’t look away. He lifted his hand and, never taking his eyes from hers, brushed her hair over her shoulder. His hand skimmed over Candra’s bare skin and languidly traced the curve of her neck. The heat and the charges were bombarding her, crackling from where his hot fingers passed over the artery pumping blood through her body, and the pull between them, making it feel as if her skin was on fire. Sebastian’s fingers ghosted over her breast, settling in the valley where her heart was thundering. Without thinking about it, her own hand smoothed over his waist and slipped around to his back.

  His free hand lifted until it slid gently around the back of her neck, cupping it under her hair. Where Sebastian’s skin met Candra’s, heat sank through her flesh, spreading through her body, making her limp.

  His eyes were tightened, as if concentrating, and his chest rose and fell heavily with each strained breath he released. He took another small step, bringing them closer, and the pad of his thumb touched her lip. It brushed across it and tugged lightly. Candra saw his tongue peek out and run across his own lip, matching the movement of his thumb on her lip. Her lips parted slightly, responding to his touch, and she closed her eyes, absorbed by the sensation.

  Sebastian’s other hand moved in one long, sensual movement from the back of Candra’s head and along her spine. His fingers were spread, applying a firm pressure as if he was unzipping her, vertebra by vertebra, opening her up to him. She wanted to crawl out of her skin. Every centimeter was hot, alive, and raw with the energy that zinged over her like heat rising from asphalt, and then his breath crossed her parted lips.