by Coralee June
“Maybe I don’t want to forget. And you don’t clear my mind, you take it over completely,” I admitted. “When it’s you and me, I can’t think of anything else…” Hamilton lifted up a little, pressing his hard cock against my center.
“I like you best when you’re only thinking of me,” he admitted.
I pressed my forehead to his. “Stop talking in circles and spouting bullshit. Are you using me right now, Hamilton? What’s going on?” This felt like a trick.
“Petal,” he whispered. “I just want to be with you like this one more time.”
The hair stood up on the back of my neck. It was a shock to the system, like getting struck with lightning. “What? What do you mean one more time?” I pulled away, standing up on shaky legs as I stared down at him. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m going to help you, Vera. I just want one last time with you. Everything will be taken care of. Your mom will never have to see Joseph again. I just want you to give me a goodbye. I want to love you one more time.”
My brows rose up. My mouth dropped open. I thought we’d already said goodbye. When I found out Saint was his brother, I ended things, but there was a little something in the back of my mind, a hint of hope that made it not feel over.
“Goodbye?” I asked.
“We both always knew it would end, Petal.”
“Stop calling me that. What the fuck is up with this whiplash, Hamilton? Yesterday, you wanted nothing to do with me. Now you want to love and leave me?” Hamilton stood up and sauntered closer to me. I backed away, keeping out of his reach, though he stalked me like a predator. I propped a hand on my hip. “How exactly did you think this was going to work? One last goodbye fuck in exchange for keeping Jack’s end of the deal? That doesn’t even make sense.”
“Petal, I’m sorry,” he said.
I placed both hands on my skull and squeezed. “You’re making me crazy,” I cried out. “I feel so fucking stupid. Why are you doing this to me? Why couldn’t you just leave me alone, Hamilton? Why do you have to draw this out like this?”
“You’re the one that made a deal with Jack,” he growled. “You’re the one that put me in this position. I figure I owe you one for the article with Saint. You want out? I’ll get you out. But I want something for it. I don’t want you calling me for Jack. I don’t want to deal with his bullshit games. All you have to do is this. Right now. One last goodbye. Tell me you don’t want one more time with me and I’ll leave. We had great chemistry, Petal. Why not benefit from Jack’s deal?”
“You hate Jack. Why would you do this? I doubt it’s just because you want to get your dick wet.”
Hamilton scowled. “You’re right.”
“There’s something going on. You obviously still care about me, or you wouldn’t be here,” I pressed. “But still you want some toxic goodbye sex?”
“Why do you have to pick this apart?!” he yelled.
I shook my head and slumped my shoulders. “You hurt me,” I said. “Hamilton, I don’t deserve this. It’s not right. You betrayed me in the worst possible way. You lied to me our entire relationship—if you could even call it that. And then you just let me go. You didn’t care enough about me to fight for us. And when I called? You said some pretty cruel things. I haven’t even had time to process everything that’s happened, and now you want a quick fuck? And even worse, you’re bargaining with my mother’s safety. I thought you were better than that.” I swallowed the emotion rising up my throat before continuing. “You’re pushing me away, and I don’t know why. But I do know that it’s not my job to chase after you. I’ve spent my entire life begging to be loved. And you know what? You made me realize that it’s not enough. I could have loved you, Hamilton. Fiercely.”
“Petal. I can’t…” Hamilton’s face was twisted up with pain. But it didn’t make a difference. Can’t. Won’t. It was all the same.
“You want to walk away? Well, fuck that. I walked away first. I walked away when you lied to me and used me. You can see yourself out.”
He looked up and glared at me, fire in his eyes as he clenched and unclenched his fists at his side. “I want a goodbye, Petal.”
“Well, you don’t get one!” I screamed. “Get out.”
He ignored me and walked forward. I stepped backward. I wanted him out of here. My back collided with the wall. A shelf holding a framed photo of my mother and me at the wedding crashed down to the ground. Glass shattered everywhere and crunched under Hamilton’s boot as he continued to move closer to me.
Shards were scattered around my bare feet, and once we were face-to-face, he swept me up and cradled me to his chest. “Let me down!”
“Don’t want you to cut yourself, Petal,” he purred before walking me to my bedroom and kicking the door open. Tears started to fill my eyes, and those annoying insecurities that plagued me filled my mind. Was I not good enough? When given the choice, Hamilton didn’t choose me. I suppose it was better than having no choice at all.
Maybe I could give him this last goodbye. Maybe it would be the closure I needed. It was like breathing with a blade in your side. Every inhale was sharp, but fuck, I was breathing.
“Please give me this. I know it’s shit. Everyone takes from you, and I’m a selfish bastard for asking. Just let me kiss you, Petal,” he urged while laying me down on the bed and crawling to hover over me. I swatted at the hot tears flowing down my cheeks. He kissed every single droplet. His hands found the edge of my shorts, and he pulled them down. I had a moment, when our eyes connected. I took in the question in his glassy stare and drowned in a puddle of self-pity that quickly morphed into rage.
“You want a goodbye, Hamilton?” I asked as the pain in my chest cracked and all the disappointment flowed out with a vengeance. What even was the truth anymore? Did he care about me? Did he think I wasn’t worth the effort?
He clenched his teeth, the move making his defined jaw harden into a sharp line. “Are you going to give it to me?”
“And you’ll help with Jack?” I asked.
His eyes flashed with rage. “As long as I never see your face again, I’ll make sure Jack’s agreement is met.”
My heart cracked. I felt cheap. Used. I was done. Done with all of it. Done with the Beauregards. Done with the blackmail. Done with my mother’s guilt. My insecurities. I was done with him.
Hamilton then choked out words that softened the blow. “I want you to live your life, Petal. I want you to be happy without me.”
I wrapped my legs around his middle and rolled us both over. Pressing him into the mattress, I shrugged out of my sleep tank and clawed at the soft fabric of his shirt. He quickly tore it from his body while kicking his boots off to the ground. “Fuck you, Hamilton,” I whispered before scraping my teeth along his chest. I savored him. I fought with him. My fingers undid the button to his pants, and he slid them down.
“Love you too, Petal,” he said in a reverent tone, his voice so soft that I almost didn’t hear it. It was the most tender sound. “I bet you’re drenched. You still want me. Even when I hurt you, your pussy aches for me.”
Shame filled me. This was some sick kink for Hamilton. He liked knowing he could still have my body after destroying my heart. I raged.
I groaned. “I want your cock. I want your goodbye. I want to get off so I can kick you out of my apartment and out of my life.”
We undressed like each scrap of fabric between us was a weapon. He bucked, I pressed him into the mattress. I lined up my sex with his and watched his lips part as I slowly slid down and began riding him. With him fully inside me, he groaned low and slow. I bent over to whisper in his ear. “Enjoy it while you can, because I’m done.”
Hamilton tensed, then grabbed my hips. He guided my movements, but it wasn’t enough. Flipping me back over onto my stomach, he pulled my long brown hair and started pounding into me relentlessly from behind. His thick cock felt like a blissful punishment. I arched my back and propped myself up as he reached around to furiously rub m
y clit in perfectly timed circles with just enough pressure to send me over the edge.
I preferred this position. I didn’t have to look him in the eye as he commanded my body to come. I didn’t have to see his expression as he moaned and grunted. I was just a body, I was just something he used in the dead of night to get off to. I felt him thrust in and out. Harder, harder, harder. The nasty sounds of our skin slapping filled my bedroom.
He pulled out and laid down on the mattress, facing me. “You going to come or what?” I asked bitterly. I already wanted him gone. He turned me, forcing our bodies to face one another as he grabbed my thigh and pulled it over his hip. He thrust inside of me once more. We were so impossibly close. I could feel him deep in my soul as he fucked me.
“Hurry up and get off, Hamilton,” I moaned.
“Don’t fucking rush me,” he growled with a curse before wrapping his hand around my throat. He squeezed until I couldn’t breathe. He hit just the right amount of pressure to make me forget. The fight fled from my body, and I felt my pulse slow. I let darkness cloud the edges of my vision. He released and another orgasm made my entire body shudder. I cried out as he pumped me steadily. His lips found mine, swallowing my pleasure like it was a tasty treat. Emotions wrecked me.
“Hamilton,” I begged, I sobbed.
Hamilton came.
He pulled out.
He stared at me.
He got up.
He got dressed, his dick still coated with our combined pleasure.
He paused at the door, looked at me with sad eyes and spoke words that would haunt me for months. “I just want you to be happy, Petal. And I’m not capable of doing that.”
Then, he walked out of my bedroom.
He walked out of the front door.
And he walked out of my life.
5
Vera
Jack’s house looked oddly serene as I pulled up the long, winding drive. Light sliced through the clouds, illuminating the clean landscaping. Despite the fall weather, not a single leaf littered the lawn. It looked so perfectly Beauregard. I wanted to take a can of spray paint to the lawn so it more accurately represented the people who lived there. I could have dug trenches around the property with my dull fingernails.
I blinked my bloodshot eyes while nodding at the security guard at the gate. I’d spent most of the last couple of days in a numb haze. My mind had hit its threshold of pain, and there was nothing left for me to feel.
I let him fuck me. I let him use me up. Hamilton wanted goodbye sex, and I offered my body up on a silver platter. Love was like a pendulum, and I kept going back and forth, always stuck, never actually going anywhere.
Did I love myself at all?
In the moment, I convinced myself that it was all to protect my mother. I pretended like it was some grand sacrifice, some sick satisfaction. Just one last goodbye.
But I didn’t do it for my mother. I let Hamilton use me up because I was addicted to him. I knew that we were through, and I wanted just one more night with him. One more time to feel full and desired. I let myself be burdened with the memory of him because it was better than having no memory at all.
Fucking pathetic. Stupid. Why do I always do this to myself?
Pick my petals, world.
It was pitiful, and I could barely look at myself in the mirror, let alone attend classes this week. I hated the power he held over me. Hell, I hated how much power everyone seemed to hold over me. I let him take over my mind, my body, and my ability to function. I let my mother’s happiness and safety supersede my own. And for what?
I parked the car and gripped the steering wheel, my knuckles white from how hard I was grabbing it. I didn’t want to be here. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to my selfish mother, but when she sent an urgent text demanding I go to Jack’s house right away, I obeyed. I was chronically obedient. Pathetic. Lame.
I walked up the steps leading to Jack’s home and debated between knocking on the door and just walking inside. It was so strange, not being able to discern where I stood with this family. I hated the uncertainties.
Before I could decide, the front door was ripped open and my sobbing mother threw herself at me. The drama. The poised theatrics nearly tipped me over. I caught her—barely. And she went limp in my arms. What the fuck had happened? Who died?
“Mom?” I said in confusion. “What’s going on? Is Joseph here?”
She pulled away from me and scowled. “No,” she spat. “He isn’t here. He’ll never be here. It’s like he was never really here, huh? Gone. Just gone!” She let out a screech before continuing. What the fuck? “He couldn’t be bothered to deliver the news to me in person.” She ran her long nails into my skin. I helped her stand back up while processing her words.
I looked at my mother, with her crazed expression and baggy clothes barely hanging onto her thin frame. Her hair was a wild mess of waves, and she ran her trembling hand through her highlighted tresses while staring past me and at the winding drive.
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“He’s divorcing me, Vera. Joseph had the papers delivered this morning,” she wailed before hunching over and letting out a painful sob. “Not even a text. Not a call. Just a man with a briefcase.”
My initial instinct was to fist pump the air and thank God. Getting my mother as far away from her abusive husband as possible was my number one priority. If he didn’t want her anymore, then we were free to get the hell away from here. Was this Jack’s doing? Hamilton’s? He promised me that he would take care of things.
Even though I was excited, I knew that I needed to tread lightly. It took considerable effort to hide the smile on my face. “I’m so sorry, Mom,” I said softly, and even though I wasn’t sorry that Joseph was gone, I meant it. I was sorry for her heartbreak. I was sorry that she had to go through this. I was sorry that her first shot at love and normalcy turned out so bleak.
She wasn’t completely innocent, and she absolutely dug her own grave by lying about the pregnancy, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t sympathize with her pain. Heartbreak was something that bonded us, ironically. “Did he tell you why?” I asked.
Mom’s beady eyes snapped to me, her lips curled into a snarl, and she cocked her head to the side. “You know why.”
Mom poked me in the chest with her index finger, and I gaped at her, not quite understanding what she meant. “What? Mom, let’s go sit down. Where is Jack?”
“This is your fault. You couldn’t stand me having this one thing, so you had to go and ruin it!” She poked at me again, this time harder. I rubbed the spot where she dug her index finger into my chest and frowned. “You dated Hamilton. You called Jack and made some sort of arrangement to get me here. You wanted this.”
“I didn’t want this!” I argued.
“Oh? You never wanted me to marry him. Admit it.”
I sighed. “It was a rushed marriage, yes, but all I ever wanted was your happine—”
“You just want me to be miserable!”
Yes, I wanted this, but at the end of the day, ending a marriage was Joseph’s decision. He was a grown man. I didn’t force him to draft up divorce papers and serve them to my mother. “This is not my fault,” I argued. “Joseph is capable of making his own decisions. Yes, I wanted you to be safe, and I went to Jack when I was concerned for your health and well-being, but, Mom, I’m not responsible for Joseph wanting to end your marriage. It’s not fair to put that on me.”
Mom tilted her head back and laughed in such a manic way that my eyes widened in shock. She then doubled over, as if the humor of my words were so funny that she had to grab her stomach to hold in the belly laughs. “Not fair?” she asked while wiping tears from her eyes with the side of her index finger. “Not fair? What’s not fair is raising an ungrateful daughter that ruins EVERYTHING!”
I took a step back. Mom was hurting, but there was no excuse for her hurtful words. Maybe it was the residual pain of Hamilton using me, or maybe I was just fed up
with being blamed for every bad thing that happened to my mother.
No. Not today. Not anymore.
“What’s not fair is you lying about a pregnancy to trap Joseph in a loveless marriage,” I started before poking her in the chest, mimicking the toxic way she tried to hurt me. “What’s not fair is having a mother that blames you for fucking existing.” I poked her again, and we both stepped inside the house. “What’s not fair is being treated like an accessory. What’s not fair is having a narcissistic, gaslighting mother who can’t take responsibility for her own failed marriage to a monster.” Mom gaped at me, and I kept going. “You treat me like a burden, and I am sick of it. All I’ve ever done is care for you. I won’t apologize for trying to save your damn life.”
“How dare you! I just found out I’m getting a divorce, and your first reaction is to attack me?!” she deflected.
“Only because your first reaction was to blame me for your failed marriage! Get over yourself! I’m sorry you’re hurting mom. I hate that you’re going through this, but I can’t stand here and let you blame me anymore. You’re entitled to your feelings, but I’m not required to suffer because of them any longer. Do you even know what a healthy coping mechanism is? I’m your daughter. Not your friend, not your sister, and certainly not your mother. I’m your fucking daughter!”
I was screaming so loud that my throat burned. My chest heaved as I stared at the broken woman in front of me. I didn’t feel an ounce of regret.
I felt free.
“Wow,” I said to myself while nodding. Mom sobbed harder. “That felt really good.”
“You don’t care about me at all, you selfish little bitch,” Mom spat.