Kaytek the Wizard

by Janusz Korczak

And in a flash, he’s at the Royal Park.

  He sits on a bench by the pond.

  There are people walking by and children playing.

  Everything would have been all right. He would have just had a rest and gone home.

  But just then the group of rich foreign bankers was visiting the King’s Palace at the Royal Park.

  Just then the bankers come out of the palace and stop in front of a statue. The statue is of a Greek goddess with a garland on her head, holding a mandolin.

  There’s a man showing the guests around who keeps bowing and smiling in a phony way. Just like the restaurant owner.

  Kaytek just has to cause trouble.

  Make the roses in the garland change into wieners and the mandolin into a big sausage.

  And that’s just what happens: there stands the statue with a garland of wieners on its head, playing a big sausage.

  A white-haired man, one of the foreign visitors, is shocked – he starts saying something in a loud voice and waving his cane about. Another one explains that there’s no need to get mad, because each country has its own different customs.

  But Kaytek hasn’t finished. Make seven elephants, five camels, and three giraffes walk down the center of the main avenue, he thinks.

  And they’re there. The hump-backed camels are plodding along, the solemn elephants are uncurling their trunks, and the giraffes are nodding their small heads on their long necks.

  Some of the children are pleased, others are scared; and the grown-ups think it’s all to welcome the foreigners.

  But not even that is enough for Kaytek.

  Make all the gentlemen be in dresses, and all the ladies in men’s pants, he thinks.

  Now the fun really gets going.

  There’s a student with his girlfriend, and they’re looking at the elephants.

  Suddenly he says: “What have you done?”

  “I haven’t done anything, but what the heck are you playing at?”

  He’s staring at her, and she at him. He’s in a dress and a lady’s blouse, and she’s in pants.

  “What the . . . ?”

  One poor old dear has screamed and fainted as soon as she’s noticed she’s wearing pants and a man’s hat.

  And here comes a girls’ convent school outing. There are twenty pairs of schoolgirls, with their teacher lady behind them. She’s making sure there’s order and good conduct. And all of a sudden, like a thunderbolt, she and the girls are all in men’s pants. What will people think? What will she tell the Mother Superior?

  “Home, let’s go home at once!” she cries.

  She covers her eyes with a glove and they run off, as fast as their legs can carry them.

  Afterward people including the Court Prosecutor, the Deputy Minister of Communications, a senator, a literary critic, and a professor of hygiene all told how they had fled from the Royal Park wearing ladies’ silk dresses.

  But what amused Kaytek the most was the policemen who kept falling over as they tried to run along in high-heeled shoes, silk stockings, and lacy dresses.

  And they had to work fast to protect the millionaires from an unfortunate accident.

  Because as a grand finale Kaytek does one more spell.

  Make the trees stand upside down.

  The ancient trees – the pride and joy of the park – shuddered, leaped up, turned a cartwheel, and came to a standstill, but with their branches down and their roots up.

  He’s hell-bent on creating the ultimate chaos.

  And he’s done it.

  That’s what the world is like nowadays.

  It’s enough for a wizard to give a few orders, and at once nobody knows what sort of world they’re in.

  It’s enough for a wizard to twist something for a joke, and at once everybody starts to worry and think it’s the end of the world.

  What a stupid crowd.

  Kaytek gets up from his bench. He’s had enough of this by now.

  Put it all back in order again, he thinks.

  And off he goes, home.

  That’s enough fun.

  The news vendors are selling a special supplement.

  They’re yelling like crazy.

  “Attack on the bankers! Special supplement!”

  “Extra, extra! Bomb in restaurant!”

  “Gang of spies arrested! Mysterious flying car!”

  People are buying the papers. They’re gathering in groups.

  They’re standing in the street, reading.

  They’re all buying them, so Kaytek buys one too.

  He reads it.

  Kaytek’s spells are described, but they’re so twisted he can hardly understand it.

  The paper says:

  The police successfully eliminated a gang of spies who were planning an attack on our guests. Enemy forces do not want Poland to receive a loan for investments.

  What the heck: “eliminate” and “investments”? What kind of things are those?

  He reads on: The plan to kidnap the bankers was frustrated.

  “Frustrated – that means it didn’t succeed.”

  The attackers decided to blow up the restaurant where a banquet was going to be held.

  “Banquet – that must mean a dinner.”

  Their infernal machine exploded prematurely and threw into the air . . .

  “What sort of machine?” wonders Kaytek.

  Further on, he discovers that the firefighters were called, and had removed from the ceiling “waiters thrown there by the force of the blast.”

  Luckily no one had been hurt.

  An unknown kind of airplane appeared. When the police tried to check the ID of the suspicious passengers, the car flew into the air and glided toward the foreign border.

  They tore down posters announcing a talk.

  “Aha. That’s my Professor Pootle. What was it? Economics?”

  Kaytek hasn’t even read to the end when the news vendors start shouting again: “Second special supplement.”

  “Extraordinary events at the King’s Palace! Extra, extra!”

  “Greek goddess, sausage and wieners!”

  “Lions and tigers in the Royal Park!”

  “Hurricane overturns trees!”

  “Numerous casualties!”

  Kaytek knows there weren’t any casualties. They just wrote that to sell more papers.

  “Let them say what they like. What do I care?”

  There are crowds of people outside the restaurant.

  There are crowds of people rushing to the Royal Park.

  Kaytek squeezes through and plods home step by step, exhausted.

  He taps his finger, and in his old coat with the scarf around his neck, he goes in the gate.

  He’s anxious what his parents will say about him staying out for so long.

  * * *

  *A big cylindrical post in the street, on which advertisements are pasted.

  **This a reference to the Great Depression, the economic crisis that hit the USA in 1929 and spread to Europe.

  Chapter Eight

  Scenes the world has never seen – People, clocks, store signs, dogs and cats all muddled up – In the square and on the bridge – Kaytek’s lookalike

  Mom is in tears and Dad is mad.

  “Where have you been all this time?”

  “It’s such nice weather,” says Kaytek.

  “Nice weather, so after being sick you run off for half a day? We thought something had gotten into you again. You promised you’d come straight back from the cemetery. I went there to look for you. Aren’t you ashamed?”

  Kaytek has let his head droop; he doesn’t even try to explain. He feels ashamed: he broke his word.

  His father says some more, but Kaytek isn’t even listening.
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  It’s always like that when the grown-ups get really mad, and the child is so terrified he can no longer understand what and why they’re shouting at him. It’s just a noise in his ears and his head. He’s just waiting for it to be over, and wondering if they’re going to hit him or not.

  “Today you’re staying home, and tomorrow you’re going to school. That’s enough of this delinquency. You’re well, so you can go study. Understood?”

  Without saying goodbye, his father goes out. Kaytek is left alone with his mom.

  Mom tries to console him.

  She’s so kind.

  “Oh well, never mind, it happened. You won’t ever do that again. It’s not even your fault. I shouldn’t have let you go to the cemetery on your own. You’re all we’ve got, so we’re afraid of something bad happening to you. Don’t worry – we won’t send you to a detention center. Your dad just said that.”

  Kaytek calms down.

  “Apparently there was some fuss going on in town? Is that where you went?” asks Mom.

  Kaytek reads the special supplement aloud.

  “Yes, yes – there must be another war on the way. They just won’t leave people in peace. Your great-grandfather, and your grandfather, and your father . . .”

  At once Kaytek asks his mom to tell him how the insurgents hid in the woodshed, and how there were secret books and papers hidden under the wood.

  What sort of books were they? Why weren’t they allowed? Why were people sent to a freezing cold country as a punishment for having books like that?* Maybe there was at least one of those books left?

  It had occurred to Kaytek a long time ago that maybe there were instructions in the secret books saying how to conquer your enemies.

  So Mom tells him about the wars that happened in the past, and Kaytek thinks about the one that’s going to happen. He even wants a war to break out. Because then he could help − his strong will could be useful.

  After that his dad comes home; he talks about the events described in the papers and what he has heard from other people.

  “It looks as if there’s trouble brewing.”

  For a long time Kaytek can’t get to sleep. Because if he does, at once he’ll hear the thunder of cannons, the roar of airplanes, bombs, and grenades.

  At once Kaytek’s spells are helping to win the battle.

  All right, so Poland has Kaytek. But the enemy might have some wizards too – maybe older ones who are more careful? What if Kaytek makes a mistake, or his magic power lets him down at a critical moment, and the enemy wins the war?

  Kaytek considers what sort of unknown weapons to conjure up, what sort of fortresses to build, what sort of orders to give, what sort of armor, helmets, and masks to dress the army in.

  “Maybe a regiment of giants, or maybe some iron cavalry on horses made of steel?”

  Dad is moving in bed.

  “Dad!”

  “What?”

  “What’s stronger: iron or steel?”

  “Go to sleep!”

  His father mutters something else too. He’s annoyed. So Kaytek went to sleep. He woke up and thought: “Tomorrow I’m going to school. They’re going to ask why I ran away from home, and what I was doing in the hospital; they’ll start bugging me to tell. Maybe I’d better leave late so I can go straight into class just before the bell?”

  Or maybe he should postpone his power for another month?

  No, he can no longer do without it; admittedly it hasn’t brought any benefit, but that depends on him. He doesn’t have to do silly things with it. He must work out a plan of action.

  “A strategic plan.”

  He doesn’t entirely understand what that means, but he senses that’s exactly what it should be – there should be order, the spells should have a plan, and he shouldn’t worry his parents.

  Until finally he finds a way to leave the house whenever he wants and for as long as he likes, so that his mom and dad won’t be in the least bit worried.

  It’ll be good if it works.

  “I’ll conjure up an alter ego. I’ll summon up an illusion that looks just like me. There’ll be two Kayteks; one will be the apparition, the lookalike, the illusion, and the other one will be the real me. That’ll be good. Gradually I’ll try things out and learn: meanwhile I’ll send the lookalike to school or let him stay home. I’ll even be able to go to foreign countries – for a long time. I’ll travel; I’ll sail on a ship, and I’ll go hunt wild animals.”

  Kaytek thinks and sees what he has read and seen at the movies. His thoughts and mental images all mix together and go racing around his head. Some of the images are distinct, others are foggy, some are near, others far away.

  And now he wants to sleep.

  But his pillow is making him hot. He tries arranging the quilt first one way, then another. He puts his hand under his head, now this way, now that. He lies on his back, then on his side.

  He tries to go to sleep.

  “Get up. Time for school.”

  “Hmmm.”

  “Hurry up or you’ll be late.”

  He gets up. He sorts out his textbooks and exercise books.

  Then he says goodbye and leaves. His father is annoyed.

  Behind the wooden fence he summons up his lookalike. It makes him feel sorry, strange somehow. The lookalike is just the same as he is – it’s as if he were looking in a mirror.

  So they walk along side by side, but they don’t talk. They stop outside a store. A lady comes along with a man. She stops too, and stares at them.

  “Look how similar they are. Are you boys twins?”

  “What’s it to you?” mutters Kaytek.

  “How rude you are,” says the man.

  “So what? Why do you have to interfere? Why accost us?”

  Grown-ups think they have the right to accost you, make loud remarks, and ask any old questions just because you’re a child.

  They say: “What fine eyes that little boy has. How old are you? It’s not nice to whistle in the street.”

  Kaytek has always pretended not to hear, or he sticks out his tongue and runs away.

  But this time it’s lucky it happened, because it has made him realize he shouldn’t walk along with his lookalike. What would he say if he ran into someone he knew?

  Disappear, double.

  The apparition dissolves like the mist. Kaytek sighs with relief because he hasn’t a clue what to talk to his twin about.

  Then he bumps into a friend who collects stamps. He already has stamps from thirty-two different countries, and he knows a store where you can swap double stamps for others – it’s better to swap them at a store than with other boys, because they might cheat you, and there’s a bigger selection at the store.

  There are stamps that cost a hundred zlotys or more.

  Kaytek gets carried away talking, and forgets he’s meant to be in school.

  But at school no one takes any notice – they’re all talking about the incident in town.

  In the corridor the lady teacher smiles at him, but she doesn’t say anything either. Only in the first lesson does the other teacher start to make jokes.

  “Ah, here he is at last, Robinson Crusoe! When will you run away from home again? Did your father tan your hide?”

  Kaytek stands at his desk; he isn’t even free to respond when his friends laugh at the teacher’s words.

  Grown-ups often tease children as if on purpose. It’s unpleasant when someone you don’t like much anyway starts joking and mocking you.

  “Come on, Robinson, up to the blackboard. Let’s see what you learned on your desert island.”

  Kaytek reluctantly steps forward. He decides not to say anything, even though he could. Let the teacher lose her temper, seeing she’s in such a jovial mood.

  And why has Kaytek come to school at al
l? He could have sent his lookalike, and played truant himself.

  “Come along, write it out,” orders the teacher.

  Kaytek grudgingly picks up the chalk.

  The teacher dictates the problem, and it’s actually quite easy, but Kaytek refuses to do it.

  “Read it out.”

  He reads it out badly. Just from spite.

  “That’s wrong. So you know how to travel, but you can’t read out a stupid problem?”

  Well, exactly. Because it’s stupid and doesn’t interest him in the slightest bit.

  Kaytek is a wizard, and he’s not going to let himself suffer. He’s not going to stay at school.

  He puts down the chalk, licks his finger, and stares sneeringly at the blackboard; then he thinks in his secret way: By my might and willpower, I command it to be twelve o’clock already.

  Even though it was only a quarter past eight.

  None of Kaytek’s spells had ever caused so much confusion throughout Warsaw.

  Every person who glanced at the clock couldn’t believe his eyes. In every home, people started complaining that someone had moved the hands on the clock forward, then ran to the neighbor’s to check. They were calling each other left and right, trying to find out what on earth had happened and what time it really was.

  The clerks rush to their offices with no breakfast, and the salespeople rush to the stores.

  The trams are packed full. The conductors can’t cope. Anyone who hasn’t squeezed on board takes a shared cab. Everyone’s late – they thought it was early, but it’s already noon.

  The students come pouring out of school.

  “Those kids are a real curse, they get in the way when a person’s in a hurry.”

  “What a surprise,” the children rejoice. “Who thought of such a good idea?”

  “The foreign visitors,” says Kaytek, cheering up. “Let’s go and thank them.”

  He goes to the gate, summons up his lookalike, and sends him home. The real Kaytek joins the procession of schoolboys, and off they go to town.

  Until they have to stop the trams because such a huge crowd has gathered from all the schools.

  Afterward the papers wrote that the young students held a tempestuous demonstration outside the visitors’ hotel. Other papers said it was impetuous and spontaneous.